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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tyedye...ive left him

221 replies

tyeanddye · 24/06/2007 21:35

He assaulted me and ive left him at last.crying alot but ok.

OP posts:
americantrish · 04/07/2007 17:45

tyeanddye>i just read over this thread.
please stop going into the house to see him with your child. i know its hard. (oh god. i do.) dont do it. he is a dangerous, unstable man. YOU ARE NOT responsible for him and his lack of money. he did this to himself.
i saw you are already seeing someone from woman's aid. fantastic!! they have places called contact centres he can see his child at, they are safe. he might not like it, but tough shit. he doesnt deserve any liberties now.
i know you want your little one to see their dad. they are in danger too.
if you havent, find a solicitor (your counsellor can help you there), you will get legal help and legal aid. start doing this legally. and dont let that bastard hurt you anymore.
you have a strong case, you do. and you have the support of so many.

dont you EVER feel guilty for leaving!
you did the best thing for you. AND for your kids.

it will settle. it will take time. and i hope it doesnt get nasty (in court, etc.)

oh i'm so happy you're out. cries xx

Original poster
tyeanddye · 09/07/2007 22:43

Hi,
was offline for a while,during which he has taken my carkeys off me again so i cant leave,stolen my phone from my bag and refused to hand it back whilst reading my texts bold as brass right in front of me,pinned me in my car door whilst trying to confiscate my keys yet again and taken my shopping and locked it in his shed,told me in front of the kids that i stink,that i am an "old tart"cross questioned our 6 yr old about strange men in my mums house(the plumber)
thrown said keys and hit me in the head....
I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow re non-molestation order
rang his mum in hysterics after he pinned me in the car in front of our 3 yr old daughter who kept saying she was sorry.
after calming her down and leaving i had a MASSIVE panic attack,phoned the old bag who told me it was my fault for treating him so badly and that i was disgusting.She stuck up for him over and above her little grandchildren that she professes to love so much.
I ended up in a laybye with a lapful of pills and the samaritans on the phone.
He is killing me,i had a photo of all my kids on my lap and calmed down and drove home.
I remeber you american trish,xx
thank you all for amazing advice,an injunction is next.

OP posts:
Original poster
tyeanddye · 09/07/2007 22:45

I have never felt so desperate in my life,and thats saying something,im still battling my first ex re custody of my older children,i will never be free.

OP posts:
Mercy · 09/07/2007 22:47

Oh shit tyeandye.

Where are you now? at your mum's house? (I hope)

Pinkchampagne · 09/07/2007 22:55

Oh goodness, tyedye, this all sounds horrific - he seems to be getting out of control.
I hope you are somewhere safe now. Stay as far away from him as possible & take care.

Mercy · 09/07/2007 23:08

I have no personal experience so it's easy for me to say BUT he is manipulating you via your dc, and vice versa. Your youngest is only 3, she does not need a person like that in her life. She will almost certainly forget him if you go forever, the 6 year old too. DO NOT go back to the family home, please.

I'm very sorry if I'm talking out of turn (I'm sure I am) but I am concerned.

Can you report back tomorrow or asap?

Original poster
tyeanddye · 09/07/2007 23:24

Im at my mums who is beside herself but i only visit house tomorrow whilst he is at work.
Its not me being a drama queen then?thats what he and his family think,and that every word that comes out of my mouth is a lie.
Im a sensitive loving hippydippy twit,and need to listen to reason....not brainwashing.

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/07/2007 23:30

tyedye - stay strong. You know you are doing the right thing and all this crapola is just that. You will come out better for sticking to your guns, however difficult it is right now. Don't give up - you have come such a long way.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 09/07/2007 23:32

Hi trib!xx thanks.

OP posts:
hermykne · 09/07/2007 23:36

tyeanddye
please get all the support people on board as fast as possible...
lie to your children in this case that he has gone on holidays so you dont go to the house with them. its not fair for your little ones to see that even though they are beig affected. get help for them too. its so important you keep talking to help you get throu this. you poor woman , you will get through it. you are moving things along, its hard but you are very strong, think of your children and you in 1/2/4/6months time, things will settle.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/07/2007 08:53

Being a drama queen? He assaulted you. There is no way you deserved that, and no way you should be expected to put up with it. The fact that he terrified a child in the process just makes it all more criminal. Obviously his mother is going to stand up for him - she wouldn't want to believe she was responsible for bringing up a horrible, horrible man, so it MUST be your fault. Don't expect any support from her. Thank God your own parents are supportive.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 10/07/2007 21:45

Hi,
weve switched all the phones off after legal advice,access is now through a public place only,I asked my solicitor if he thought his behaviour was bad,hes a city solicitor and i thought the abuse must be comparatively mild,
My solicitor said his behaviour is REALLY bad,and potentially very dangerous.
I must sound pathetic but i have been ground down and brainwashed for years and years!!!I am applying for an injunction now.

OP posts:
Original poster
tyeanddye · 10/07/2007 21:47

Im still in pieces about pissing him off mind you.....mediation on thursday but my lawyer even warned me about staying safe seeing him for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
tyeanddye · 10/07/2007 21:48

When he flips properly and kills me,will his mum still blame me do you think?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/07/2007 00:46

Oh, I expect so. She'll be furious with you for causing her innocent son to have to go to prison. So do the poor old lady a favour and don't get killed, huh?

americantrish · 11/07/2007 15:30

hi again tyedye!
i am SO glad you remember me! i am so happy you left! you CAN CAN CAN do this. its hard as hell now, but like someone else said, it will settle. your children WILL thank you in time to come. build your support network however you can. ask your HV if there is a local DV support group (or ask your counsellor.)

GET that injuction! to me, it sounds like you have plenty of grounds for it. dont wait!

meditation in DV cases is often NOT a good idea. just be careful. do not go alone if you can.

you are NOT NOT pathetic. yes, you were brainwashed. but he did it to you!!! dont blame yourself. don't! oh gods, i want to ring men's necks who do this bullshit to women! oh i do!
do not worry how you sound to us here, this is a place for you to vent.

have you been to court yet? (re: contact or residence orders?)

my thoughts, prayers, strength and love are with you. stay strong. you CAN do this.

and you WILL.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 11/07/2007 17:50

He roared up my mums drive this morning at about thirty miles an hour because i wouldnt answer the phone,our little girl was howling and would neither look at him nor go to him for a cuddle,he refused to leave until mum said she would dial 999,he nearly ran her over!!!He marched into her house without an invitation,she had a panic attack afterwards,lots of faxing between solicitors now.....
I have been warned about keeping safe in mediation thanks,x

OP posts:
americantrish · 12/07/2007 12:36

dont delay, tyedye, get that injuction before he seriously comes in and hurts someone (again.) worried for you..x

Original poster
tyeanddye · 12/07/2007 22:11

mediator suggested a "contract of communication" which he wants to try,we will see...

OP posts:
Original poster
tyeanddye · 13/07/2007 18:12

hes now upset and wanting to be friends,he reckons he could get a non-molestation order against me!!!?for what,preventing him from crushing me in the door of my car?

OP posts:
americantrish · 14/07/2007 19:30

he's trying to mess with your head and lure you back in, don't fall for it.

Original poster
tyeanddye · 14/07/2007 21:27

Oh i know that!I almost feel sorry for him,so many controlling techniques defused and redundant!
He will never learn new behaviours,just reinforce his tactics on the next partner.
Its hard though,i fell in love for all the right reasons,and i am mourning the loss of that still,particuarly now as it draws to a close.
The life we dreamt of and built together,that became my prison.

OP posts:
EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 21:28

Oh bloody well done!

I missed this when you posted it.

Stay strong sweet.

EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 21:31

he was a bad bad man, and he did this to you and your life - you did not do this to him.

suezee · 14/07/2007 21:36

i am so soory that uve had to live with such a horrible man, jst know that u have done the right thing and u have nowt to be soory for.of course his family are going to think ur a fruit case because he probably only tells them what he wants them to know, i hope ur ok and it all works out for u