Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

343 replies

Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:32

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2018 22:40

Please have more self-respect than to do the "pick me" dance. He's moved on and so should you. He's just a fucking bastard. Raise the bar.

Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:41

You don’t want him back as he doesn’t want you and your kids. Move on.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 10/12/2018 22:41

Didn't want to read and run. But Thanks&Brewfor you x maybe someone will come with some wise advice soon

DawgLover · 10/12/2018 22:42

Meant in the kindest way possible, you don't.

He has clearly said he isn't interested in having kids, and is looking for someone on an equal level in terms of finances. Based on what you described that's not compatible with your situation.

He's been clear that since you parted ways he's started seeing someone else. It's time you moved on too.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 22:42

OP - it sounds like you have not dated him for very long.
He isn’t the Love of Your Life...
You didn’t really even know him.
It takes a while to get to know someone, to move from the initial infatuation of being ‘in love’ - where the object of your affection seems perfect, and the only one, etc;
To move from there to the next stage - Love - where you see the real, imperfect person and still want to be together...
It takes a while to get there, to be sure.

I am sorry you are hurting, and no doubt you had strong feelings for him.
He didn’t share them. He may have given you an impression he was all in, but in reality he wasn’t.
There isn’t anything you can do to change that.
It’s a good thing the kids didn’t get attached to him.

Mourn what you lost, and then move on!!

RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 22:43

What should I do to get him back?

Nothing. He would be with you if he wanted to be, but he's moved on. Don't let him use you for sex if it goes tits up with his new GF.

You'll get over him in time, OP.

DawgLover · 10/12/2018 22:43

*isn't interested in having kids = meant as, not interested in playing step dad to your DC

HereIgoagainxx · 10/12/2018 22:44

I'm so sorry. He has been very clear he doesn't want to be with you. Why was he paying your rent? Could you not afford it? Is the children's dad not supporting them?

I think he has been very clear, he does not want to feel financially responsible for you and he doesn't want a ready-made family.

I know you love him and want him back, but you want different things.

You need to cut contact and give yourself time for your heart to heal. If he was right for you, he'd still be with you. Again, I'm so sorry x

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:45

Thanks did the replies. I have to disagree though about him not feeling the same. He absolutely 100% did. But he changed his mind because he got scared and I was stupid enough to accept his money when things were tight. I regret that so much.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:48

You never introduced him to the kids?
If someone loves you they don’t suddenly change their mind. He wasn’t that into you.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:48

I think if I hadn’t accepted his money he wouldn’t have got scared about taking on me abd 2 kids. I relied too much on him being in love and didn’t think he’d ever leave. I’ve been so stupid. And if I could play it all over again I’d do things so differently. How do I put this right?

OP posts:
Karenspolos · 10/12/2018 22:50

How long were you seeing him? Did he move in?

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:50

By the way I need to make it clear that I absolutely wasn’t just into him because he’s rich. I was struggling and he offered to help that’s all. Because he’s a good man.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:50

You walk away. Don’t take money from the next one and don’t delude yourself that it’s love before you’ve really started.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:51

We were dating a year and a half

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:51

Good men don’t shag you and ghost you for a couple of weeks. He’s a chancer.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:51

Thing is though, what’s wring with accepting money from a partner if your struggling? Isn’t that part of a loving relationship?

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 22:51

OP, honestly if he felt about you the way you feel about him, he wouldn't be with someone else. You'll have to accept that and move on. Happens to most of us at some point in life.

Borelis · 10/12/2018 22:52

Sympathies to you OP. No you were not in the wrong to accept money etc. from him. From what you've written, HE offered all this to you (not like you forced him to offer you money) so he can't now turn around and use it as his excuse to leave. That's like him saying he only offered it as a formality and didn't mean it. Better for him not to have offered anything at all than that.

Perhaps he does this with everyone he dates? Takes them out, gets what he wants etc. and then uses the "oh you're too needy for my money, attention whatever else" to get off the hook and move on.. Sounds like a classic commitment phobe. He'll likely do the same to his next target. How old are you and him if you don't mind saying?

Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:52

You weren’t together that long. You want different things.

SandyY2K · 10/12/2018 22:54

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids

I agree.

He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids and that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean

It's obvious surely.

He doesn't need the baggage of your kids and having to pay your rent.

A woman with no kids is much less complicated.

You just need some confidence...because I'm getting the impression you're physically attractive and wouldn't have a problem getting into a relationship with the right man.

Maybe one with kids which puts you on an equal footing.

Costacoffeeplease · 10/12/2018 22:54

You can’t put it right, he doesn’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s children - that’s all

He’s moved on and you need to do the same and stop torturing yourself

CupsAndPentacles · 10/12/2018 22:55

I never took money off a man and several have ''taken me for a spin'' and then walked away with a loftier plan in their minds. Woman with no kids, younger woman, woman who they COULD (if they deigned) marry.

It's nothing to do with taking money when you were broke, you weren't a big blank canvas and the connection between you wasn't obvious enough, special enough for him to feel that it was worth it.

I agree with the others, don't do anything to get him back.

Sorry to say when you have kids, you have to move slower. I have kids and the men always seem to do a u turn after professing their keenness at the beginning. It is hard.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:57

I’m 26. He’s 38. We’re total opposites. He’s a geeky IT guy who earns big money and doesn’t really know how to talk to girls and I work in a supermarket but have loads of friends and guys who fancy me on a night out. He’s not obviously fanciable. But I noticed him cos he’s nice and decent and was really kind to me.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/12/2018 22:59

You need to raise your standards.
Shagging you and not contacting you for a couple of weeks isn’t nice.