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Original poster

Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

343 replies

Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:32

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2018 23:16

Ahhhhh, I remember this now ^

Nothing’s changed OP. Sorry love. Move on.

RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 23:17

Behappy2 ohhhhh I remember that thread!

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 23:17

You'll do yourself no good in the long run - or even in the short term - by being so desperate to have A Man In Your Life. This one may or may not have been a bit of a chancer; either way, he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to see you any more. He has every right to dump you and move on.

Try staying single for a bit, otherwise the next man you hurl yourself at might turn out to be a dangerous, abusive prick, because abusers really like desperate women.

Babymamamama · 10/12/2018 23:18

Keep your dignity and move on. Making assumptions about the other woman being ugly or worse than you in bed doesn't paint you in a good light. He doesn't see you as long term relationship material I'm afraid and his message makes that pretty clear. I mean this in the nicest sense: move on and never take him back no matter what he says. Leopards, spots and all that.

Behappy2 · 10/12/2018 23:18

@RyderWhiteSwan I'm pretty sure she deleted it because she couldn't face the truth. I wouldn't want her if she acted like this she seems clingy.

toffeeapple123 · 10/12/2018 23:19

Met so many guys like this. He knew what he was getting into with 'a ready made family.' He's just using it as a get out of jail card. He sounds like a commitment phobe. It's him, not you. Don't obsess about the other woman - it's likely he will drop her eventually as well.

Please don't worry - there will be other men who will be much better than him, I promise, even though you might not be able to see it now Flowers

ChristmasFlary · 10/12/2018 23:20

Quite frankly, the way you're describing the new girlfriend is just nasty. Maybe he wants someone less desperate and more pleasant Hmm

happydays1983 · 10/12/2018 23:20

Sounds like she needs to be more independent.

RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 23:23

@Behappy2 I feel OP believes she's quite a catch re looks and sex, and is astonished the 'geeky' man has left her.

I feel for her, but hopefully the posts on this second thread will hit home.

SantaClauseMightWork · 10/12/2018 23:23

Even if he was nice (no nice man would mess up a vulnerable woman just becuase he can), he clearly didn’t consider you his match. Him and his money were no match for you in his eyes. It is kind of obvious.
If I were you, I would use this as the turning point of my life. So I never find my self in this kind of vulnerable situation again. If he was a kind man, he would have given you a loan and would have tried to prop you up on your feet again. His thought process should shoukd you what he thinks of you really. You are not complicated. You are young and strong (26 and two kids) and a very hard working and proud girl it seems. Use this to build your life and then find that perfect man if you want. FlowersFlowers

Behappy2 · 10/12/2018 23:25

@RyderWhiteSwan I would feel more bad for her if she didn't describe the woman the way she has, he moved on he's allowed to do that but saying that the sex will be shit and she's probably ugly is too far in my books when she doesn't even know the woman. I get being jealous but she should be mad at him not her. Hopefully this does help now.

lostpigeon · 10/12/2018 23:28

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TwiceMagic · 10/12/2018 23:31

The guy hasn’t really done anything wrong here. He told you he was having second thoughts about the reality of step-parenting (and the financial responsibilities he’d end up with) and needed a break. Then he broke it off - that’s what ‘we should see other people’ means. I don’t think he ghosted you.

Now he’s found someone else, who doesn’t have kids and financially supports herself. He’s been upfront and honest about that. He just doesn’t want to be with you.

You didn’t introduce him to your children (in an 18 month relationship) so that means you can just get on with your life.

And really don’t be nasty about his new girlfriend. It’s unfair and unpleasant. Neither of them have done anything wrong here.

Littlelambpeep · 10/12/2018 23:33

He doesn't want to date you- you work in a supermarket and can't pat the bills and have kids.

He's older no strings and has a career

It is fairly obvious

fruitbrewhaha · 10/12/2018 23:34

It sounds like you were very different people. Maybe that's why. He may be looking fro someone on a similar footing intellectually. So maybe the clever not so good looking girl at work. Because they have more in common.

Doddlemoose · 10/12/2018 23:35

It was a year long relationship forget it and move on. We’ve all done the “shit I ended up in bed with my ex” thing it doesn’t mean anything.

It’s clear you really liked him. Just s thought - if you want to date guys with good jobs long term maybe you need to move forward a bit yourself in terms of education/training?

Do a part time course or something.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 23:35

@TwiceMagic
Shouldn’t he of thought about step parenting and financial support BEFORE he got so involved though? He told me he was in it for the long run which is why I decided to sleep with him and have a relationship and fall in love. He’s a good bloke. I can’t believe he’s not tortured by changing his mind. And so he bloody well should be.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 10/12/2018 23:35

So have you slept with him again after the last post? What’s the need to be so horrible about his girlfriend.

He’s not in to you.
He’s never going to be ‘yours’.
He may continue having sex with you if you keep offering it to him. But it doesn’t change the fact he doesn’t want you as his Gf.

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 23:37

These replies are a bit harsh, people communicate differently and have different levels of self awareness on things.

Sorry you are hurt op but it sounds like he has moved on, don't try and get him back. It will hurt for a while but you will be ok, just focus on yourself and do nice things for yourself. Don't sit there mulling on it all.

Good luck.

Dirtybadger · 10/12/2018 23:38

Relationships are by consent. He wanted to stop. He "shouldn't" be anything. He changed his mind. You could have just as easily changed yours down the line, too. Most relationships end.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/12/2018 23:38

Seriously OP? You have some growing up to do

So my DP and I met and it was chemistry we had never had sec like it ...he was vocal about how hot I was

Great lovely...i kept him in a hotel room or at his for a long time

He wasn't a keeper...until one night we started to talk...really really talk

That's the man that lays in bed next to me ,who goes to parent teacher conferences , who puts up with the no make up and the mum bun

I didn't take a penny...not a single one until he moved in

The second you start being so nasty about another woman you show you're immaturity

Real love , a real relationship transcends all the silly crap you are referring to

I'm sorry you are hurting , genuinely, we have all been there

But you can choose right now

Be the woman who moves on independently

Or be the nasty joke who takes the puss out of another woman

On leads to being your own woman and being self sufficient

One leads to being a bitter nasty joke

Choose wisely

Orange6904 · 10/12/2018 23:38

Op don't go off what he said at the start, go off his actions. People will promise all sorts at the start when they feel all rosy. Go off how he has acted.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2018 23:40

The fact is, he thought he wanted you as a package, but the reality of it, made him scared so he scarpered. You come as a package, you and your two kids, and any future partner has be be fine with that, he was not, you and your kids deserved better. Yes you need some pride and self respect, move on, and maybe find somebody who like you, has kids.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/12/2018 23:40

Financial support is not a prerequisite of a relationship

Chanelprincess · 10/12/2018 23:41

Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something.

You sound really nasty and spiteful. Maybe he's found someone much nicer then you.