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Original poster

Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

343 replies

Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:32

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP posts:
Benjaminbuttonschild · 10/12/2018 23:42

I don't want to kick younwhukst you are down, inget that you are hurt but dwelling on this is doing you no favours. You need to move on. Be happy with yourself and your kids.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 10/12/2018 23:42

You whilst*

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2018 23:43

Op does sound very bitter, and quite frankly immature, she does need to work on that, before having another relationship. Maybe your ex new partner is more mature, and more suited to him, than you are. Maybe he got fed up of bailing you out financially and could see where that was going.

Bungalowbeth · 10/12/2018 23:44

Your amazing looks and great sex do not change the fact he doesn’t want to take on your 2 kids. He had a relationship with you for a while and decided it wasn’t worth it,

Move on.

PickAChew · 10/12/2018 23:47

You can't and you shouldn't. Have a bit more self respect.

user1484424013 · 10/12/2018 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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Doddlemoose · 10/12/2018 23:48

I also agree with pp (sgb?) who said you do sound a little bit vulnerable?

It shouldn’t take someone being normal nice to you to show you “real love” rather than just being “a nice man as an addition to my already ok life”

You have your children, maybe try to have some other things in your life? So a man is the icing on the cake to your already sorted life, not a white knight to rescue you.

Because a LOT of nasty controlling types would see your situation (physically attractive, single mum, not financially sorted) and really try to do you over.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/12/2018 23:48

I thought this sounded familiar.

OP, he moved away. He told you it was over. He has a new girlfriend. He doesn't want any more contact with you. He doesn't love you.

He chose her because he wanted her.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 23:48

what’s wrong with accepting his money though? He offered and I needed to keep a roof over my kids heads. Why do people have a problem with that? What was I supposed to do? Say no and he homeless?

OP posts:
Shallowshallow · 10/12/2018 23:48

Looks and good sex wont keep a man who wants to be gone.

Let him go.

TwiceMagic · 10/12/2018 23:50

I can’t believe he’s not tortured by changing his mind. And so he bloody well should be.

People are entitled to change their minds about a relationship at any time. And he didn’t get in too deep: you weren’t living together; he hadn’t met your kids.

He doesn’t need to feel tortured. He’s told you the truth.

MutedUser · 10/12/2018 23:50

Sounds like he had a lucky escape

Shallowshallow · 10/12/2018 23:50

You were just saying you wish you hadn't taken the money?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2018 23:50

Nothing op, it is fine for him not to want to do that anymore, and to walk away too, he does not owe you a relationship.

CountessOfNowhere · 10/12/2018 23:52

Why are you so focussed on him giving you money?

Either he was never that into you or he changed his mind. Whichever it is, you need to accept it and concentrate on your children. And stop being such a nasty cow about his gf.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2018 23:52

Are you managing to pay your rent and bills without him now?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2018 23:53

They are not his kids, and he has a right to leave the relationship at anytime, maybe he thought that he could do it, but felt that he did not, and that it was not right for him.

TwiceMagic · 10/12/2018 23:56

Having bailed you out in the past doesn’t mean he’s obliged to continue to do so. He may have started to see that the financial issues were recurring and decided he didn’t want dependents. It’s totally ok for him to do that.

The best thing that you can do is to concentrate on getting your life sorted so you don’t need a boyfriend to bail you out (or face homelessness).

Tbh, from how many times you’ve mentioned his money on this thread, I am wondering if you feel that’s the bigger loss here.

Nicknacky · 10/12/2018 23:57

So the good thing is that he realised early that the whole ready made family wasn’t for him.

Move on and you will find some that wants what you want too.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/12/2018 23:58

No you do what the rest of us do...you manage your own affairs

God knows it will be a cold day in hell before I allow another person yo be the difference in a roof over my DC heads and being homeless

You are the patent

You step up

It's not his responsibility

Dirtybadger · 10/12/2018 23:58

If a woman posted saying she had a new boyfriend whose kids she was supporting financially after less than a couple of years and whilst not living with them she would be told to leave for sure.

I would accept money (as a loan) to keep a roof over my head. Or small amounts as a gift (like double digits only) but I would expect to then reciprocate/pay the money back. I imagine even a nice and generous bloke might resent propping someone up financially in early days of a relationship (especially their kids they aren't involved with). I would just count yourself lucky he isn't asking for anything paid back. I know you probably don't feel lucky but it was in a way. Delete his number and try to move on

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/12/2018 23:58

*parent

Yulebealrite · 10/12/2018 23:59

He may well have loved you and was prepared to take you all on earlier in the relationship. He probably was completely genuine, however at 18 months, a relationship has developed enough to know whether it's a keeper or not. Unfortunately for you, all things considered he's decided for whatever reason that he can't see himself being with you long term. He's decided he wants to move on. And you must let him.

He's ended it as nicely as he can. Obviously he shouldn't have slept with you again but he probably cares for you and wondered whether he'd done the right thing finishing it. He's decided he has, and however difficult that is for you, you must respect his decision and behave with some self respect and maturity. Being nasty about the new gf isn't the way to go.

Kennycalmit · 11/12/2018 00:00

I think if I hadn’t accepted his money he wouldn’t have got scared about taking on me and 2 kids

That’s not true, OP. If helping you out with money was the reason why he left you then he would never have offered in the first place. You accepting the help he offered to give you had nothing to do with him “getting scared”.

He wasn’t scared. He never got scared. He just doesn’t want to take on somebody else’s children.

Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something

He told me the sex we had was the best ever. I bet he’s having really shit sex with her and will be back before too long

Oh come on OP. You’re better than that. This whole situation has nothing to do with this woman so please don’t start insulting her. She’s just happened to meet a man who’s still loved by another woman. Her looks have nothing to do with you. And obviously their sex isn’t that bad if he’s choosing to have a relationship with her. Hot sex (alone) won’t keep a man. If it would he’d be with you, not her.

Without being horrible or anything he was lucky to go out with me and he use to say it all the time. What a lucky guy he was. So why her and not me? It doesn’t make sense

Because when it comes to compatibility, looks don’t come into it. You could be the most beautiful woman he’s ever met but the fact remains that he doesn’t want a ‘ready made family’ which means you’re not compatible.

I can’t believe he’s not tortured by changing his mind. And so he bloody well should be

I doubt he’s tortured. And no, he shouldn’t feel tortured either. He ended a relationship that wasn’t making him happy - nothing wrong with that.

So why did he change his mind?

Because he can! Because he did! Because people change their minds about relationships/marriages every single day!
But really... it doesn’t matter why he changed his mind. You could spend months/years wondering why but it wouldn’t change a thing - what matters is the fact he no longer wants to be with you. And you have to accept that regardless of the reason behind it.

MOVE ON!!!! He doesn’t want to be with you. He is happy with somebody else. No matter how many times you post on here or wait around for him or insult his new girlfriend, it isn’t going to bring him back! You need help - you need help realising what a decent relationship is. It isn’t a contract, there’s no rule book to say that because he lent you money and told you he loved you that he’s gunna be around forever - it doesn’t work that way.

Rachelle3211 · 11/12/2018 00:03

He's just not that into you. It doesn't matter what his girlfriend looks like or how good the sex is (although it's crazy you are assuming the worst), he likes her more. You need to move on.