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Original poster

Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

343 replies

Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:32

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 11/12/2018 00:05

Give her a break, she's lashing out because she's so hurt. Why is that a bad thing on an anonymous forum?

I bet he’s having really shit sex with her and will be back before too long.

This is possible. However he still probably won't want to take on your children so you would likely just be an amusement until the next woman.

I don't think you did anything wrong in accepting money from your partner of the time. It's normal. People in relationships don't let the other suffer if they can help prevent it. He's just using it as an excuse now.

TwiceMagic · 11/12/2018 00:09

He’s not using it as an ‘excuse’. It’s totally OK for him not to want to have to financially support another adult. And take on 2 young stepchildren. He is not obliged to do either of these things.

It’s not like he’s demanded the money he gave the OP back or anything terrible. He’s just said that he doesn’t want to have any more to do with the OP and when pressed for reasons has said that he likes his new uncomplicated GF who doesn’t need his money.

Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 00:09

How do you know it's an excuse? I'd say a lot of people don't like the idea of supporting children that aren't their own. It doesn't make you a bad person, either.

ThanosSavedMe · 11/12/2018 00:11

People can fall out of love as well as fall in love.

I’m afraid you just have to accept that he has fallen out of love with you.

It’s not necessarily that you’ve done anything wrong or that there’s anything to fix. You just have to accept it and move on, you can’t force him to be in a relationship with you.

FantasticHarryPotter · 11/12/2018 00:19

Yandere personified.

butterballs9 · 11/12/2018 00:22

I’m going to go against the flow and say he probably did like you as much as you liked him. He then probably freaked (possibly influenced by third parties as is often the case unfortunately) and was genuine in suggesting you both explored other possibilities.

I think where you probably went wrong (although what you did was completely understandable) is that you contacted him and then slept with him. I other words, you showed him your cards. This would have given him security (yeah - men are so bloody selfish and thoughtless) and he would have thought: ‘Great, she hadn’t met anyone else that she really likes.’ He then decides to test you further (yes - this is what men do especially when they like you but are insecure and freaked by it) by proclaiming he has met someone else. This again had the desired reaction as you were further upset which would have given him the added reassurance that not only do you still like him but you are worried he has moved on.

The new woman could be anyone. He may not give two shits about her. In fact, I bet he doesn’t. I think the ready made family stuff is irrelevant too. You either like someone or you don’t.

In short, he is playing you. Maybe seeing how you react. Yeah, it’s rubbish but this, IMO, is what happens when a man is falling for you.

All you can do is get on with your life. Date other people if you can be bothered and enjoy your children and friends. Affect indifference. I can guarantee you that he will then come crawling back at some point. It is then up to you whether you want to bother - assuming you have not met someone else by then. Yes, it’s game playing - do you want to play those kinds of games though?

It’s a way so many men (and women?) behave - come on strong then pull back to gauge the reaction - so effing pathetic/boring/upsetting but you just have to get on with your life. I don’t agree with other posters, though. I think he did like you, probably still does like you but is playing you to see how you react.

There is a myth that men are less complicated than women. I don’t buy it. I think they are far worse in terms of manipulation and emotional games. The problem is, the games aren’t funny, or fun and the best thing to do if it’s no longer enjoyable is to walk away. I guarantee you that if he sees you getting on with your life and - especially - being happy - he will pop up again full of contrition and professing undying love.

It’s really then up to you whether you want him back and can trust him or whether it’s once bitten, twice shy. And of course you might meet someone who isn’t an arse and doesn’t play games in the meantime!

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 11/12/2018 00:28

He was lucky to have you? Um, yeah, I don’t think so. Perhaps his new girlfriend is solvent and not spiteful? I am starting to see why he may have chosen her...

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/12/2018 00:35

Oh ffs Butterballs, don’t encourage her. He wanted to go, he’s gone, end of story.

Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 00:35

The new woman could be anyone. He may not give two shits about her. In fact, I bet he doesn’t. I think the ready made family stuff is irrelevant too. You either like someone or you don’t.

There is no way of knowing if he does or doesn't give two shits about the new woman.

Many people do not want ready-made families, not irrelevant at all. It is a massive commitment to take on a ready-made family.

Maybe it would be better to just deal with the facts: he has moved on and so should the OP.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 11/12/2018 00:36

His new girlfriend may have money (yeah, I looked up solvent) but he’ll never get the sex off her like he did with me. Stupid cow

OP posts:
Alfie190 · 11/12/2018 00:36

I don't have children, neither does my DH. During our first year or two together I made the greater financial contribution and was happy to do that as we lived together, planned to marry and I earned more than him.

I have got to say though, that if I had met a dad with custody of two children, was not living with him and I had never even met his children, I just cannot see that I would be happy paying his rent and expenses. I'd probably lose some respect if he wanted me to.

I really do think this is about him coming to the realisation that he doesn't want the ready made family. I don't agree with the comments about him showing his true colours and so on. People date and sometimes they split up. He would like a more straightforward relationship, it is not hard to understand what he means by that. You need to try and stop tormenting yourself.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 11/12/2018 00:37

At least I get to know that he’s thinking of me whilst he’s having shit sex with her

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/12/2018 00:38

Every cloud OP.

Alfie190 · 11/12/2018 00:39

Oh for heavens sake, give up with the insults about his gf.

Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 00:40

If be wanted sex with you, he'd be having it with you. He knows you will give it to him.

MarthasGinYard · 11/12/2018 00:42

'At least I get to know that he’s thinking of me whilst he’s having shit sex with her'

If this is straight up then I'd get some help.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 11/12/2018 00:44

He chose her. I would say that it is because he prefers everything about her. Even the sex.

Original poster
Whattheelf · 11/12/2018 00:45

I’m sitting here fucking crying my heart out.

He DID love me whatever anyone says here I know he did. I pushed him away by not appreciating him enough. It was MY fault he left. I never had enough time for him cos of my kids. And now he’s gone and met someone else.

OP posts:
butterballs9 · 11/12/2018 00:46

The ready made family thing is a red herring as is the lending money thing.

You either like someone or you don’t.

It is a total myth to suggest that just because someone does not have obvious baggage (ie: a child/divorce) they are ‘straightforward’.

The OP’s new squeeze could be a total cow for all we know...

Good night all!

TwiceMagic · 11/12/2018 00:49

That’s just not true @butterballs9. In the real world people might like someone but realise that the relationship is untenable for all sorts of reasons.

Not wanting a financially dependent adult and/or a stepfamily are good reasons to walk away even if you like someone.

And there is no reason to suppose the new girlfriend (who is not an OW) is a cow. The OP is being really awful about her for no reason at all.

Shallowshallow · 11/12/2018 00:50

Neither are red herrings, both are legitimate reasons for leaving a relationship.

Op, you are not the first to regret how you behaved in a relationship. You are a mother, of course you have to spread your time between a partner and children.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Breakups are rarely pleasant. He has, however, made his decision. This is sadly out of your hands now.

Travisandthemonkey · 11/12/2018 00:51

Are you 14

puddled2 · 11/12/2018 01:00

He doesn't want you or your family , move on

BrendasUmbrella · 11/12/2018 01:03

I pushed him away by not appreciating him enough. It was MY fault he left. I never had enough time for him cos of my kids.

If that's true, it's for the best. You should prioritize your children. If he couldn't respect that he didn't deserve to be in their lives or your life.

Mourn the relationship but don't try to get him back. I'm sure you'll meet someone who is right for you.

Alfie190 · 11/12/2018 01:05

@butterballs9

I think the realisation that he doesn't want a ready made family to support is far more plausible than your idea that he is playing a game to test her reaction.