My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Is there any way the children can go with you to visit your mum? Say you want them to visit their grandmother as she's poorly, and then just stay in England?

No money for that Mizz. And all our things...I'd have to leave everything behind...all their books and my stuff.

I can't afford tickets for them nor would MIL.

Oh and you haven't been stupid; don't give yourself a hard time. You weren't to know how things would turn out. He sounds awful; no wonder you want to escape.

The difficulty I am in is mainly down to my sort of ghost-like status in Australia.

I am not entitled to anything! If I wanted to leave him and say get housing myself...I couldn't get assistance.

I can't afford to visit the dentist or the doctor.

You haven’t been stupid. You believed in him and your love and you had two great kids together. Now, time to move on. Find your fiercest self and do what needs to be done for your children. Can you get a loan for the costs of their flights? Can you take on any extra freelance work? You might not be eligible for government assistance but there are charities and churches/spiritual groups.

Can you talk to your MIL about her son?

Best wishes, OP

Mimi thank you.x

If there was extra work I'd be all over it. I'm doing all there is.

I might have to speak to MIL about it. She knows he's been very difficult. I feel bad though. She's 70 and not in perfect health. She might help me make an exit I suppose.

She might not of course...his Dad is more in a position to help. Perhaps MIL might talk to him.

At the moment, it sounds really stupid but I want to try to give the kids a nice Christmas. I can't get out before then...so might as well try to fake it.

I'm always overdrawn in the bank here. When I get to the UK I"ll have to start over completely and have no idea where we;ll live!

My Mum is as I say, in poor health and we'd probably be able to stay with her for a little bit but then what? I need to get hold of about 10 grand....so I could pay 6 months rent in advance and then get my poor kids into school.

Forget the things - books and so on. It's just 'stuff'. I know it seems important now, but not as important as the three of you. These things can be built up again one day - even charity shops for things like books and clothes. And once you're back in the UK then you'd all be entitled to help. How much would the tickets cost to add the children to your flight? Anything you can sell? Even your wedding rings if necessary?

If you do get back to the UK do you have somewhere to live? Can you stay with your mum?

If so, can you take out a loan/credit card to cover plane tickets and shipment of your stuff?

I wouldn't tell MIL your plan to leave if DH is that mentally unwell but could you talk to her about helping the DCs visit your mother? I know it's a bit back stabby but things would be easier once you're in the UK. Could you get a credit card or a loan?

If you have to leave the DCs make sure you tell a friend in OZ so they can keep an eye on things.

How long before you get full citizenship?
Would he move to a city with you? Or could you move to a city with the children and get more work?
Can you persuade him to stop smoking weed and see a doctor for a psych analysis? (Hard, I know. But perhaps his parents can help persuade him).
I wouldn't worry about Christmas. It's just one day of the year. If you have problems to sort, the children will have already picked up on them.

No my ring's worth nothing really. Nothing to sell. I haven't booked my flight yet so not sure how much extra the kids would be but they basically charge adult prices...so about a thousand pounds each I think.

Diana I don't want to have anything more to do with him. He's too unpredictable and scary now. I've been with him for 17 years now and it's enough.

Fleet I'm always overdrawn....I don't think I'd get a credit card. When I've looked it said you need to be in employment.

Really sorry about your situation. Just a couple of thoughts. Your children, I know you said one of them has anxiety. Are they his kids or from a previous relationship. Also what are their feelings towards your partner. And also how would they feel about potentially returning to England?

He's paranoid a lot....gets ideas that people are out to get him or that he's been treated badly all his life (he hasn't)

He's angry and petulant about not being famous or successful. Every time he gets a new job, he finds someone to hate there and then leaves.

He had work with an old close friend who put up with a lot from him but last night, he cut that off and told the friend it was done and he wouldn't be back.

He won't sign on. We have no income whatsoever apart from the few hundred a week I scrape together and the government money which pays the rent.

Are you in a temoorary visa or permanent visa?

Forget the 'stuff' you need to get out of the country with your kids. You have money for your ticket so that's good. Work out what you need as a total to enable the kids to travel with you (end to end costs of the journey, including getting to and from the airport) and work towards getting money place however you can.

Sell you stuff, pawn your jewellery, put everyone on a diet of lentils, whatever you have to do in the short term to get out.

You might need legal advice to permanently remove the children from the country...

Carnage they're his kids.

I don't know. The one with anxiety might not take to it so well...she doesn't like change. But I think once I have a really good talk with her about her Dad's mental health, then she'll see. The younger one is very much mine...she lvoes her dad but is wary of him because of his mood swings.

She struggles academically but their school here's shit in that way so at least I might get her more help in England.

Look for cheaper flights - awkward hours, regional airports etc maybe you can stretch the money you have for your ticket further?

Sammy I am on a "leave to remain" which means I can stay until they decide if I can have permanent residency. They haven';t decided yet....so I can't get any government support.

Cholly I don't have any jewellery. My income is about 200 dollars a week...we eat with that lately as he's earned very sporadically.

Malice I have no money for legal advice

I fucking hate that he's sound asleep right now. It's 3.10am and I'm up here crying and he's fucking slumbering like a baby.

He's a controlling arsehole. He has controlled what food I buy for years. He has I think, orthoxia and obsesses over weird shit like drinking vinegar.

If I buy say white bread once in a blue moon or some biscuits, he's on my case. I HATE HIM.

Can family send you money for the kids tickets?

First up kudos on calling me Carnage

And thanks for the extra information. Sounds like you’ve got two big issues. Returning to England and potentially the kids. I agree with the other poster, check the legal ramifications of moving your kids back to England. Also I’d make sure, once your in a position to move, that the kids are singing from the same hymn sheet. They may not see things the same way you do. And I’d hate to see them become resentful or bitter over it.

As for moving. It’s a tricky one when you’re so financially hamstrung. I don’t know if there’s more family you can appeal to or friends who might be sympathetic. If there’s no obvious way to generate the cash, all I can think of is keep putting away what money you can and perhaps finding extra work, even if it’s basic or menial. Every penny counts.

Do the kids have dual nationality?