My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Do Women's Aid offer any advice for women & children trapped abroad?

Gina No. If that was a possibility I'd have done it by now.

Carnage that's all I can think too. I suppose I will be able to do it but not if he doesn't find some work. That's also causing me massive worry that I can';t even ask him about his plans for work now!

Crowdfunding?

Be aware that legally he could stop you taking his dcs out of the country
(This happened to another MNer who split up with her Australian DP and wanted to return to the UK where she would have had family support). She had no choice but to stay in Australia.

So, I strongly advise you to take your dcs to the UK now and then start divorce proceedings. Do not discuss this with your MIL. She will have a vested interest in preventing you and her dgc from leaving.

Your ill mother (sorry to read this) is a very good reason to bring your dcs to the UK immediately for a holiday. Then once there 'decide' not to go back.

The kids do have dual nationality. He could probably stop us but I don't think he will. I think he's set on having some sort of rebirth as a free and single man. I think that he'll be ok about us going.

I will be able to get the kids onside. The younger one no issues and the older one will need to understand that I can't stay here....I have no support to look after them properly here.

I miss England so badly too.

Yes agree with PP - if you can't feasibly get them out after Christmas, can you open a secret bank account and squirrel away a tiny bit each week? Cut down on the food bill, eat beans/ lentils etc. Can you get a cash in hand job on top of your freelance? Cleaning or something?

Perhaps just google then - in some circumstances you could be inadvertently committing abduction and that sounds like the last thing you need.

Haff I know enough to know that just deciding not to go back is no protection. He could probably apply to have us returned to Australia anyway.

I don't think he will.

Mizz I have my own bank account so no need for a secret one. We already live on the cheapest diet imaginable. But I will do it somehow. I have to. I hope it's going to be ok. I"m shitting myself and I'vwe currently got a horrible flu as well.

Do not mention to anyone in Oz if you are planning to bring them to the UK. You cannot second guess their views. If anyone tries to stop you - then you are scuppered.
Any furniture you can sell? Bikes? Instruments? Can your mum get a 0% credit card and buy the tickets and you pay her back ASAP?

In your situation I would apply for a credit card, say your self employed and lie about your income. This is an emergency, he sounds unstable and you should at least for the short term take your children with you when you visit England.

ALso I've been looking for a job for two years and have yet to find one. I've tried all the local pubs, cafes and shops to no avail. Cleaning positions here require drivers licences.

OP, if you are married to an Aussie, then you should be entitled to Medicare. You would be able to redgister with a bulk billing doctor and get free treatment.

I presume you are a permanent resident. If this is the case, then after 3 years you should also qualify for Centrelink payments.

Have you asked at Centrelink regarding benefits or have you just presumed that, because you are not a citizen, that you don’t qualify?

You should definitely contact you local CLink office and clarify your situation regarding this.

On that note, another 12 months means you can then apply for citizenship. This would make you more secure and maybe give you the confidence to leave your DH.

What is MILs feelings about her son giving up work and not supporting his family? Maybe she could talk to your DH and encourage him to seek help regarding his mental health/drug taking.

I am sorry that you are in this shitty situation.

Where your children born in UK or Aus?

Tralala My Mum has dementia. She cant get a credit card.

Nothing to sell.W e've been living hand to mouth.

*Guitar( I could try that. I don't think I'd worry about the ramifications of lying about it as much as the ramifications of staying here! Can you draw cash out on credit cards?

I ask because then I could use that towards a rental in England.

Can you try any charities for short-term help - Vinnies, Anglicare (you don't have to be Christian)? I just wonder if they could point you to any other places that might be able to help in your situation.

Social services? Is there perhaps a duty of care to get you and your kids to a safe place?

Can you call your husband's GP from the bottom of the garden and say you are worried about him?

I am with the other posters who suggested taking your kids to see your mum and 'deciding to stay' once you are back.

Well you can but there’s a higher rate of interest. I think I would be tempted to just buy stuff on it and then try stay with your mum unti you get work

Cherry no I'm not a permanent resident. They haven't given that to me yet. I applied when we first came and it took a while to do the paperwork but we'ree still waiting. I am not entitled to any Centerlink help or medicare.

I fucking feel like a pauper it's horrible.

DC born in the Uk. MIL knows he's a nightmare. She tries her best. She's offered him some 'work; next week which is basically him going round hers and fixing a few things and she;ll give him a few hundred dollars.

If she knew what he'd said to me she'd be angry I think. She genuinely cares about me a lot.

What about the children, what visas are they on? Or d they have citizenship by descent?

Tabby what help? They won't help me move back to England. The most they'd do is a food parcel or something. He doesn't even have a doctor.

Didn't want to read and run, but unfortunately have no clue what to suggest. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP and hope you manage to get out safely

Sammy by descent. I need to get them a new UK passport each too.

I don’t know where in Australia you are, but I had a quick look on Expedia and you can fly Sydney to Heathrow for less then £400 each - much more affordable then £1kpp.

Thanks Owl. It took me a lot to post...but I was going mad with it all on my own.

I think I will need to tell my friend over here soon just so I have that other person in the know as it were.

Be very careful about just removing the children from oz. oz is part of Hague convention and he could have you returned.

Also if you went to court the court are likely to side with him as an Australian.