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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

262 replies

AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 16:09

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

Hmm

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

OP posts:
user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:20

You cant buy one way tickets, they wont let you out with the kids if you arent planning to return.

You have to be going on vaction, otherwise parental child abduction, you won't make it out.

Take this seriously if you are leaving.

costacoffeecup · 08/12/2018 17:20

What's the timescale on full citizenship for you, do you have any idea?

user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:21

Ajas, the embassey will sort tue passports.

If you are truly scared, and he is that dangerous, call them. They will sort the damn passports.

Rayn · 08/12/2018 17:21

You need to contact the British embassy over there for help. Also there will be an equivalent charity to women's aid

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:22

No idea Coffee they don't give you any times.

User I remember that now. I am taking it seriously...I'm bastard well LIVING it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:23

I have to go to bed. It's almist 4 in the monrning. Thank you all so much. I will come back tomorrow.

OP posts:
whatamessitallis · 08/12/2018 17:23

If you don't mind a long stop over in China, then you can get tickets for all 3 of you for under £900

Takes 43 hours. That's on 15th Jan and I found it on Sky Scanner (look at the whole month view to see cheapest prices).

Or if you want a quicker flights, then the cheapest I can see on the same website comes to £1174 for all three of you.

That's the same day, but 27.5 hours.

Both are Sydney to Heathrow.

user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:24

I just want to see you successful, not turned away at the airport, having wasted the tickets, and having to return to a potential family annihilator.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:27

When I leave with the kids, I will have returns but will I need a letter to say I have permission from him?

OP posts:
MorningCuppa · 08/12/2018 17:28

Can't you set up a gofundme page, I mean people set them up for far less emergencies than this and get the money for all sorts.
It doesn't even sound like you and your dc are safe with him.

user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:29

Sweetie, you might need a letter saying you may go. Talk to the embassey.

Pm me if you want to talk.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:30

Cuppa I did think of it but I'd be so frigging ashamed. The thing with those pages is that you need to share them on your social media. All my friends and relations would know what we're going through. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:30

User Can I consider the embassy a friend to me? Or are they just another government body. Will they be on my side?

OP posts:
titchy · 08/12/2018 17:31

If he wants the single life would he agree to you and dc's moving to England, maybe if you couched it as moving back temporarily while he finds himself?

user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:31

..and he might get wind of a go fund me page. Too dangerous

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:31

And how can they help me sort the kids' passports?

OP posts:
user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:33

Ild say they would be very concerned for their three British citizens. Ild trust them if I was you.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:33

Titchy that's part of why I think he'd be ok with it. He just doesn't seem to want the responsibility of a family right now. But he's expecting us to live together so he gets to enjoy the kids....and for me to "try harder to earn more?

I've been trying my hardest for 3 years now. He insisted they went to a private school over here...not that expensive but still a lot to find. So that's been a big drain.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 08/12/2018 17:34

Can you ask MiL to pay for the cheap tickets so the 3 of you can go back to see your mum? It’s not at all strange that the children would want to see their gran.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 08/12/2018 17:34

User he's been violent in the past but not for years now. I don't know if that part of him's gone now but I hardly recognise him....he's like a completely different person.

He's lost a lot of weight and is very abrasive and people are wary of him.

OP posts:
user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:35

Ajas, im just a concerned person. Embassys can provide emergency repatriation in dangerous circs, and as the British government representative can help with passports etc.

Im sorry I cant help more. But call them. It cant hurt and they will advise better than mumsnet.

mimibunz · 08/12/2018 17:35

I think the worst the embassy will do is ignore you.

MarshaBradyo · 08/12/2018 17:37

Sounds awful, you sound so stressed : (

They’re in private school? But no income and govt pays rent?

The biggest problem will be leaving with them as you know

user1469572804 · 08/12/2018 17:37

I truly hope you guys make it out safely.

Is he on drugs? Sounds like speed perhaps?

LeslieKnopefan · 08/12/2018 17:38

I'm sorry but the people who are basically saying kidnap the kids and take them to England are completely wrong.

Your partner would then be in his rights to go to the police under the Hague agreement. Before you do anything you need proper legal advice. This place is ok to let off steam and I appreciate money is an issue but please do not take legal advice from here.

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