My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Oh love, come home. Personally I wouldn’t tell anyone, not even the kids. When it’s time to leave, tell them you’re going on a surprise visit to your Mums. The truth can wait until you’re back in the UK. If no one knows, they can’t accidentally or ‘for your own good’ tell him. If he doesn’t know cannot stop you. You THINK he won’t, but fuck only knows. Get the essentials together and get on a flight. Every thing else can be sorted out from here.

Leaving your dog is heart breaking. I’d book him into kennels for a few days then you can sort out one of your friends having him or rehoming through a suitable/trusted club or centre.

If you look at luggage allowances some airlines are much more generous than others.

I just shipped 25 tea chest size boxes from Australia for AUD800 through Britannia. Your MIL or friends should be able to organise that for you and your kids and sort the money out after.

Pack their very very important things in their luggage/hand luggage.

The important thing is to get you and them back here. Don’t jeopardise that believing he will ‘let you’. Forgiveness is easier to gain than permission. I doubt he will try to get the kids sent back and I highly doubt a judge would return them anyway.

Be strong. You can do this.

They’re are some pretty hefty cases where children are taken back.

I agree with pp don’t just do this

get legal advice asap. there isn't a guarantee you will get benefits straight away as you have lived abroad so long so do not count on that. have a plan in place and make sure it's a legal one. don't run the risk of losing your kids and getting a criminal record through being rash. get proper legal advice and get everything you need in place

Another vote here for contacting someone from the British Embassy.

Worst they can do is say No. Best case scenario is they get you home.

It doesn't sound like the Ops DH is in any position to mount a legal challenge or fight an international custody for his kids though does it?

I know what people mean about one way tickets but OP and the DC will be traveling on UK passports so no eyebrows will be raised about lack of a return portion in Aus and none expected on arrival back in the UK.

Getting a legal letter signed by the OPs DH giving permission for an opened ended UK stay to look after terminally ill mother/grandmother would be prudent and should avoid any issues should be question arise.

Surely she can get the children out on 3 one-way tickets, rather than returns, by saying that they plan to stay in the UK until her mother has passed away, but no knowing when that will be and they will be schooled here in the meantime (using DMs address as a base for enrolment). Or would they insist on Open-returns?

It doesn't sound like the Ops DH is in any position to mount a legal challenge or fight an international custody for his kids though does it?

Would you take that risk? Risk your kids being removed from your care and you being charged with a crime?
If he really wasn’t bothered, he’d let her go. If she’s having to sneak around, who knows what he’d do. Losing children half way around the world can fuel people to do all kinds of things. There’s no way I would take that risk.

You need to be really careful about your children, because of the hague convention, if you leave with them and don't have a signed agreement (and even then it can be dodgy ground, legally speaking), you could be done for abduction, imprisoned and seperated from your children until they are legally adults.
In your shoes I would be reaching out to all and any support organizations that have even the remotest connection to the welfare of children and women. hindsight is such a marvellous thing

Please don't assume you'll be entitled to government help when back in the U.K. You will have to pass the Habitual Residence Test. As a British Citizen with children you may be able to get help with housing but only if you are homeless.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/coming-from-abroad-and-claiming-benefits-the-habitual-residence-test/british-and-irish-citizens-claiming-benefits/

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Benefit-guides/Habitual-Residence-Test/What-benefits-tax-credits-and-services-does-the-Ha

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/homelessness/guide/homelesssgethelppfromtheecouncil/whoqualifiessfor_housing

I know a women who had an agreement to leave the country with her children and then her ex decided he wasn't happy after all and pursued her through the courts. International law is not a friendly place for people who want to take children between countries signed up to the Hague. Without court approval, there is no way I would risk it, personally.

It's not about getting the kids out on a one way ticket, it's about the implications of changing their country of residence, and should he decide to kick off, the law would pretty quickly come down in his favour for kids to be returned to Aus.

Some monumentally bad advice being given here. The Consulate won't help, they will redirect you to local authorities or children's services. In order to leave the country you will need the consent of the Father, assuming he has parental responsibility (if he's on the Birth Certificates he will have). If you try to take the children without his consent, you are committing child abduction and will be prosecuted. If you succeed and he pursues legal channels, you may lose custody of the children and they will be repariated to their county of habitual residence (Australia) and you will probably be denied entry.
Do not even think about it.

Sorry to make things even more complicated but another consideration is if you did all come back to the UK, you'd not be eligible to claim benefits due to the habitual residence rules.

It may well be that moving in with your dm at least while you get established and find a job would be the easiest way to manage.

Good luck.

Agree that you need to get in contact with the Embassy before you do anything. Who knows, they may help you more than you expect. They are the British Embassy and they are there to help British Citizens, which is you and the children.

I agree with Saucy99, the most you will get from the embassy is redirection to local services. They will not sort passports for your kids (unless you have lost valid existing passports and need an emergency travel document) and they certainly won’t repatriate you.

Your best, indeed only, course of action is to get an agreement in place with your husband stating you can leave the country with the children and then get three cheap single tickets.

Will all due respect they won't help you break international law. The law in the country applies to all living in that sovereign state British or not. Please contact you local authorities.

Where do you need to fly from? Is it Sydney or is there somewhere else closer to you? Ash your MiL if she can lend you money to take dc to see your mother. Tell her you will pay her back for dc fares when you can. If you explain you will fly budget so won't cost much more than your fare. If you can just get to UK you would either to be able to get a job even if not high earning or claim benefits with children. Don't worry about the things as they can be replaced. Just travel with warm clothing as cold in UK. Ask friend to look after your dog 'until you return' you can always ring and ask them to take it to a shelter if you think your dh can't/won't look after it form the UK. You say your MiL will pay your dh to do some jobs at her house but he won't go, would she pay you and oldest child to do them instead?

Don't do anything without knowing the legal implications. Hopefully some knowledgable Ozzie MNers will be along shortly with info about Women's Aid equivalent organisations

The embassy won't repatriate the OP and kids - they only do things like that following a disaster like a tsunami or terrorist attack (and then only if commercial flights aren't available). I can't think of any assistance that they are able to offer at this moment in time.

Is anything about your DH's behaviour and drug use documented? That would be very useful if you do ever have to go to court (in Australia or the UK) to argue that the DC should be resident with you.

Would MiL help persuade him to go to the doctor's? That might get him some assistance, as well as start the evidence trail you might need in the future.

Could you consider moving somewhere else in Australia? Would MiL let you live with her? Or would she take in DH?

Some embassies will repatriate you on the proviso that you do not return to the country for 1 year. Not sure whether it's the Australian embassy or the British embassy you'd need to contact.

Do you think he would agree to you and the children returning home indefinitely?

Please can people stop saying that an embassy will repatriate? They won't! (And certainly not the Australian embassy - they have nothing to do with OP, as a Brit Cit, and they have no interest in removing the dual citizen children to the UK. Plus of course there is no Australian embassy in Australia...)

perhaps you can get some advice from a mental health helpline such as this one www.sane.org/ SANE Australia? He needs to be assessed for risk to self and others it sounds like.

What is you current visa status? You should have been able to apply for citizenship by now.

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/expat-money/10820465/Down-and-out-abroad-There-are-places-to-turn.html

I found this article.

*Generally, in determining the level of assistance they will provide, governments emphasise personal responsibility first and foremost, since international travel is viewed as a luxury. But bad things do happen, and the more blameless and desperate your case, the more likely that limited financial assistance will be provided. Case studies revealed through Freedom of Information requests detailed that the UK government provided a loan for an emergency travel document and a return flight to the UK when a man lost all his money, was facing overstaying his visa and his family was unable to be of financial assistance.

In another case, when a man with health issues missed his return flight and ended up sleeping rough, a UK government loan covered his emergency travel document and trip home. Public money is made available only after rigorous inquiries to determine that there is no alternative. In Thailand during 2013, the UK posts issued 28 loans for which British nationals had to sign an "undertaking to repay" and relinquish their passports – not to be reissued until the loan was satisfied.*

Hague convention has provisions to ensure women are not penalized for escaping domestic violence.

If she was in the uk you lot would be telling her how much danger she is in and to get out. That danger isnt diminished by her location.

The cheap flights mentioned earlier were based on an adult and two kids but kids are generally charged adult fares once they are 12. The OPs kids are 13 and 11.