My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Looks to me like the parent left behind still has to initiate any proceedings by making an application for kids to be returned.

Outbound from UK may not be the same system as inbound to UK.

Sorry, cross posted. You have made a good point about family possibly getting involved.

OverTheHedgeSammy - you are assuming the father can be arsed and has a spare $20,000

OP, first ports of call:

Domestic violence charities
British Embassy

You are in such a tough situation and you really need concrete advice as to your options, we can then help with advice regarding the practicalities but please don't rely on us to be able to guide you from a financial/legal perspective. of course, we're always here for moral support.

From the Australian Government Attorney-General's website:

Is financial assistance available?
"This page answers a number of frequently asked questions about the operation of the 1980 Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction (the Hague Convention) and the process of making an application under the Hague Convention for the return of a child"

"Neither we, nor International Social Service (ISS) Australia, charge for the work we do with your application. However, depending on which country your application is going to, the costs of running your matter in that country may not be covered by the central authority of that country.
Where that happens, you may be able to apply for legal aid in the other country. You may also be able to apply for financial assistance from this department under the Overseas Child Abduction Scheme."

So her EX would be entitled to financial support, but the OP wouldn't.

Look, you may be right, the ex might not care and might not make an application. But the OP would be gambling a hell of a lot on 'MIGHT NOT' and it's just not worth it. She would risk being deported from Australia and her children remaining there. NOT. WORTH. THE. RISK.

FFS you’re over complicating this with somebody already up the wall with stress. OP will make her own mind up but I know I’d still be in Australia now living in a hostel eating from food banks and my kids not allowed to attend school if I’d followed your advice. Instead I told my ex to fuck off and got on a plane. And we’re all good.

Well good for you. And how many other women have lost their children by doing the exact same thing you have done? Plenty.

The OP needs to get secure FIRST. She needs to become an Australian citizen FIRST, so that she also has the protection of the Australian government.

Why does she need to flag herself up to authorise and become an Aussie citizen now when she wants to leave. She and the DC are all UK citizens, the children were born in the UK and have UK passports.

Just don't see what that will achieve. If the DH was sane and rational and wanted to keep his DC with him, then yes the issues of The Hague Convention would be utterly relevant.

As it is he isn't bothered, has no money to do anything anyway and is a danger to them all.

Get a plan in place and get out quickly and safely OP.

OverTheHedgeSammy - to my knowledge one Italian woman who was a bloody fruit loop and the kids were best with their father.

She doesn’t need to become Australian at all in fact that’s the bloody worst thing she could do ... protection of the Australian authorities. I do not know what planet some of you live on. It doesn’t usually turn out well once the austhorities if any country become involved

Op, I hope you are there and safe x

Ajas I hope you are ok. You will find a way through this, be kind to yourself, be your own best friend.

I've told DD1 who was very upset. :( It was so hard.

I'm holding him at bay in a way....he knows I want to take the kids back to the UK but he won't admit that it's happening.

He says things which are frightening but I honestly am not scared anymore. He's all talk and selfishness.

I've decided to ask a good friend here to "employ" me for a few weeks and then to apply for a credit card. The card I saw says that you need to earn a certain amount and show 2 wage slips to prove it.

She'll do it for me I know she will. Even if she pays me wages which I then hand her back.

He says he won't stop me but then he says he won't speak to me ever again if I go.

He's always said he'd never stop me and I never had cause to doubt him but I am feeling nervous now.

Him not speaking to you ever again sounds like a win win situation. Thinking of you.

@ajaxlipstick

hi OP, sending lots of love and luck for you. 🇬🇧💐🍀

Have you tried posting on britishexpats.com/forum under Moving Back to the UK?

They are a bloody splendid bunch of super friendly posters with masses of knowledge and some posters, although they don't admit it, clearly work for government bodies.

If I was asking anyone for help under these circumstances I would ask them. X

I feel so terribly guilty for moving the DC back when they're both quite happy here. They both have friends that they like and I know that for DD1 her friends are important but I just CAN'T base MY entire future off the fact that my 14 year old has a nice bunch of mates here.

I can't.

That will all change in 4 years when they're 18 and leaving school won't it.

And I;ll be stuck here then.

At this age...it's hard but she will make new friends in England and I've never rated the school she attends here academically.

Lots of families done years abroad then move home or on to another country. It's not easy but it can work and be really positive. And that's without taking into account all the rubbish you will be leaving behind.

OtherProfile yes...it's so sad in some ways though. I keep mourning what could have been. He wasn't always like this.

I think that he's going to wake up one day and think "what the hell did I do??"

But then again, he's mentally ill so maybe not.

I am worried and anxious but I realised yesterday that the awful feeling I have been getting was more a sort of hatred of him than a sadness. I need to get home to start recovering.

I've reached out to a couple of mates now which makes everything more real. One friend here in oz and one in the uk.

He's reiterated that he won't stop me. He keeps guilt tripping me though and he's also defending his decision to leave his job. He left and we have no income bar the bit I make.

He has made no effort to look for more work and has done this to us right before Christmas as though that's fine!

The shit hasn't hit the fan yet but of course its going to.

Ive decided that I will need to keep every penny I earn..so that I canget a house when we return.

I've looked and it seems I might have to wait 3 months before I get any benefits in the UK at all. Which will be very hard on my own.

I want a job naturally but what if it takes a while? I"m absolutely shitting it.

Also worried about my DD"s who will probably be well behind academically. I just keep telling myself that they will catch up.

Can you start applying for jobs in the UK now? Are you planning to leave in January? Some people are able to get benefits before three months residence but it is very difficult.

You're absolutely doing the right thing OP. It's good that he has said he won't stop you. If you can, please try to get him to put down in writing that he unequivocally gives you consent to take your children back to the UK permanently. Flight tickets back to the UK in January seem cheaper than they are currently. Is there anything in the house that you can sell to raise some more cash. Do you and the kids all have valid passports?

Right you won’t have to wait three months because you have children. Getting a house will be hard depending on your area, I had to pay 6 months rent in advance which was actually only 6 weeks wages in Australia so if he isn’t working you’ll need to be working around tye clock.
When you get back you apply for housing benefit and fill out a nil income form. Do not take no for answer they will pay. You will get tax credits for the children.

He won’t wake up and think what did I do. Other people will tell him it’s not his fault and he will believe them and the entire script will be rewritten so this is entirely your fault in his mind. Prepare yourself and the kids for that