My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

@kmmr

I agree this is not making sense. We emigrated to Australia (since returned) but have been through the permanent visa and citizenship processes.

No such thing as "leave to remain" in Australia. There are visas and if OP has been there for three years, she must have a permanent visa by now because it simply does not take this long. If it has it can only be because they have not dealt with the paperwork, but if she leaves husband and explained to immigration, it would be granted immediately. She can then move out, stay in Australia, claim the very generous benefits that are available, all whilst seeking permission to leave with children.

5 It's going to be very hard for me to get anywhere near enough money. Not impossible but hard.

I can't work around the clock here because I don'thave that much work.

Alfie I do not have a permanent visa. I am allowed to stay until a permanent visa isgiven but I don't have one as of yet. I have a partner visa, subclass 820 at the moment. And no recourse to benefits.

Should have said, DH isn't "dh" but dp. I always say DH on here.

Alfie190 - it’s all changed since even we were there in 2016 - processing times are up to 4 years for s partner visa

AjasLipstick - by hook or by crook you will have to cobble together the money. It’s amazing what you Dan do when you have to

I will 5 you're right. I will do it somehow. If I have to basically stop sending the dc to school here to save on fees then that's what I will have to do.

He's been so controlling over the years that I've not even been able to buy the fucking food I wanted at times.

Someone please tell me that the kids will be ok. I'm so worried about them.

I told DD1 that it will be so much better for us in the end...that her anxiety is probably largely down to mine and her Dad rows...and the stress of him being controllling.

It's incredibly difficult to move school and country at 14 - I had to. When we moved from Aus to UK, my DD skipped ahead 18 months of school. So you might be bringing a child who doesn't want to move to the UK and basically forcing them to be really behind their peers because of the age differences.

And then she'll start GSCE's next year?

There are charity's who help non-residents in Oz leave domestic violent relationships. I think you need to leave your DP and move to an area with more work if there really is none.

You are going to need a LOT of money to leave Australia. New passports for your children. Flight tickets. living costs when in the UK. We had to pay 6 months rent up front as we had no credit history here. Plus a bond of 6 weeks. Plus agency fees which were £400 more.

I think you would be better off leaving your DP, getting your visa sorted, leaving the children near their friends, and setting up on your own. Or asking your DP to move back to his mother's and getting MIL support on board even if you phrase it as a temporary thing while he sorts his mental health issues.

There ARE benefits in Australia. There IS help available. Reach out for help over there. I don't think your answer is not to leave and return to the UK.

“I won’t stop you” probably isn’t enough though. Legally you need clear permission from him that you can take them. Saying I won’t stop you and actually giving permission for you to go are very different.

Right you won’t have to wait three months because you have children. Getting a house will be hard depending on your area, I had to pay 6 months rent in advance which was actually only 6 weeks wages in Australia so if he isn’t working you’ll need to be working around tye clock.
When you get back you apply for housing benefit and fill out a nil income form. Do not take no for answer they will pay. You will get tax credits for the children*

This is incorrect information, since 2014 the rules have been tightened and so it is a 3 month wait for benefits unless you find a part time job and then its easier to get benefits.

I think benefits are the least of your worries, your mum will support you plus there are food banks who can help.

As soon as you arrive you can apply for jobs, preferably ones that don't need a DBS check as yours would take ages as you have been out of the UK so retail/cleaning jobs but not in schools and preferably one that pays weekly so you can get some cash quite quickly.

It isn’t wrong. I was in the same boat in 2015 and received tax credits. You aren’t entitled to JSA or income support for three months but child related benefits are immediate.

Your dc will be OK, OP. I'm not just saying that. They will be far better off in the long run if you remove them from this situation now. They may not think that, but you are the parent who needs to make the decision in their best interests. You and your children are living in a damaging and abusive situation.

It will be tough to move a 14 year old from their friends in the short term of course, but far better to do it now and establish a life for them in the UK while they are still younger teens than to wait until they are any older living in that toxicity. By the time your dd is 16 she very likely wont agree to changing countries and wont be able to qualify in the UK educational system as a home student (rather than overseas) if she wants to go to uni here.

Go now. Immediately. Borrow the money from your friend or mum. Stay with your mum in the uk temporarily and get a job - any job just to get established and pay back the money. Get your dcs registered in school and start legal proceedings to establish residency and contact with their df.

Good luck.