My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Tyrions is that real? Id' need to get flights to sydney of course and then from HEathrow up North...which would add a lot to it. But it's cheap. I'd never heard of China Southern Airlines.

Check out Money Saving Expert for info on cheap flights.

You said upthread flights are about a thousand - did you mean US dollars?

If your MIL is giving you money for a return, will she actually give you the cash so you can book it? How does the price of a standard return match up to 3 singles?

www.moneysavingexpert.com/deals/deals-hunter/2016/05/sub-600-flights-to-australia-how-to-find-em-and-can-you-really-get-them/

Rac thanks I am fully aware of all that. To be frank he's such a mess, I doubt he'd be capable of getting us back. He isn't functioning well at all.

OP I am sorry to read about this happening to you. Sounds very hard.
Do you or he have any siblings / relatives (other then the 2 mums) where you could ask for a loan to take your dc home to see your very sick mum and then once you are there you can make the next move?

Could you live with your mum to be her carer? Is there an allowance for that?

I would NOT contemplate leaving the children with him under any circumstances

I hope you manage to work it out

It's not just a question of him stopping you, he has to actively give you permission for you to be able to take the children out of the country. It may never happen i'm afraid.

You need to focus on getting yourself as stable as possible. Is here any way of finding out where your citizenship application is at? You are entitled to some benefits on a temporary visa, but you don't want to do anything to jeapardise your citizenship application.

Cross post with Tyrion, cheap flights is your answer I reckon...

Pissed Nobody in my family has much money. So nobody to ask. I could live in at my Mums and look after her but of course that would be hard on the kids and hard for me to work....but I'd do it to be near her.

I don't want to leave the kids with him. When I cried a lot yesterday...about what he was saying, he put two fingers to his head and said he wanted to blow his brains out.

If sh'es going to see her mother anyway, presumably he will give her permission to take the DC - wouldn't he?

Please, please please be very careful about just taking the kids to the UK and not returning. I know you say he is unlikely to object, but technically you are abducting your kids. You really need to make sure the position relating to where the kids reside, and with who, is cast iron before you move them. Worst case, kids are forced to return to Aus, and you are denied entry.
I'm sorry, I know you have enough on your plate, and this is scary shit, but please be careful. There are several groups on facebook who may be able to provide more detailed information, but I'm aware of several women who are stuck in a foreign country just so they can see their kids.

Fingers crossed some luck cones your way, and you find a legal way out of this mess

Call the british embassy, consulate advice.

Tell them he is abusive, you are scared. They may help with repatriation.

BUT be aware you may be in trouble for removing the children from their habitual residence, as per Hague convention.

AND NEVER GO BACK. He will not change or get well.

Good luck.

Sammy I think he will give his permission. I am not entitled to any benefits whatsoever. I have checked this all out. I don't give a flying fuck about my application. I don't want to stay here and if he does try to make me, I will ensure he is not in the children's lives because he's a nutter.

That’s a screenshot from Expedia.co.uk - I don’t know how frequently cheap seats like that come up, but if you can travel at awkward times then you could well get lucky!

Virgin Australia were approx £410, and they might include the regional flights much cheaper then booking separately. I know that’s the case in the uk, but not sure how it would work in Australia.

User thank you. I will call them and see. How to prove his abuse though? It's financial I think...and emotional.

Is there an Australian version of Women's Aid who'd know the law there on coercive control / financial abuse etc?

Ajas the very best of luck to you with it all.
I think it is a good idea to speak to your friend if you feel you can trust them as some real life support would be good for you. And she might have some suggestions about raising funds too.

The laws on coercive control are not the same as the Uk though they are looking at making the changes. I do have a friend who is knowledgable as she's worked a lot in community services, including housing and helped abused women a lot.

She'll be so angry.

I feel terrible every time I think of the dog! We have a beautiful dog and we're going to have to leave him.

They will believe you. Tell them about the gun motion to his head, suicidal threats.

Be careful he doesnt get wind of what you are up to. They may take your passport at the embassy, but you are going to.stay put in the uk.

You may have trouble accessing benefits if you have been out a while. Just say you are settled and have no intention of leaving. He.doesnt need to punch you for it to be d.v.

Get legal aid in the uk. I would reccomend calling women's aid, and going into a shelter on return. They will assist you with the legal side.

Please dont ever go back. It will be hard, but ignore him. Divorce. Live.

Kids and you come first.

Forget the fuckinb dog

I would never go back. I can't believe I ever came. What do you mean they may take my passport at the embassy?

You need to research the flights prices because it's very possible to travel with the 2 DC one way for much less than you think.

A quick look on Skyscanner shows that all 3 of you can fly Sydney to Manchester for £1015 in February.

How much do you have for your ticket from your mum? Assuming you were expecting to buy a return you may not be as far off as you think.

www.skyscanner.net/transport/flights/syd/man/190207/?adults=1&children=2&adultsv2=1&childrenv2=6%7c10&infants=0&cabinclass=economy&rtn=0&preferdirects=false&outboundaltsenabled=true&inboundaltsenabled=true&ref=home#results

They may confiscate if they pay for your tickets, I believe.

Please let the embassey deal with it. They are experts at this kind of thing.

Good luck, sweetie.

Embassey.
Women's aid and a refuge once you are out

No contact with asshole, apart from divorce...and you will be grand.

Please, please get legal advice before trying to remove the children from the country. You must do everything by the book. And you won't be able to ignore him if he starts legal proceedings.

Cholly thank you. I don't know...MIL hasn't given me the money, she was going to book it for me.

But the kids need new UK passports. So I need to look at ordering those as a matter of priority the moment I get some money.