'Flirty' texts to my partner - yes/no?

[katy78]

Hi, I recently wrote this post yesterday about not knowing what to do about my boyfriend wanting to continue cycling with a woman I perceived interested in him (due to her texts) and me wanting him to stop: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3437896-Clash-of-boundaries-how-to-proceed

Some of you wanted to know what the texts said so I thought I would post to ask your opinions. I didn't mention last time that my partner is 32 and this woman is single and 50. However, while that may change some of your views, I should mention my partner has had sexual relations with a 50 year old before when he was 25. Please also bare in mind this is a brand new friendship they hardly know each other at work as they work in different departments.

So they went on a time trial (first cycle ever together). Afterwards:

Woman: Hey, thanks for cheering up my miserable mood last night. You're a good un! x
Partner: No problem, thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it myself despite struggling to keep up. I've checked my calandar and I'm free on the 9th September x
Woman: He he! Good! Excellent news, you'll love this route.
My partner did not reply

Two days later
Woman: Hey, went for a swim last night - first time since about May :o lung capacity is terrible! More swims required x
My partner did not reply

9th September after their first cycle 1:1 that lasted 6 hours
Woman: Ta for today, it was fun! x
My partner: Yeah I enjoyed it myself too, looking forward to going out again
Woman: Absolutely me too. Proper overfilled my bath and nearly flooded the house! I haven't done any work but it's Sunday, tomorrow is workday x
My partner did not reply.

They scheduled to cycle 1:1 5 days later. On the day:
My partner: Shall we rearrange today? Forecast isn't great.
Woman: I know - its not great in the rain is it? We'll do it one day next week instead :-) have a good weekend in (city family lives in)
My partner did not reply.
An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x
My partner phones me and reads that text out to me as he thinks it's strange. I say its strange and I am surprised (I had never thought anything of this woman until this phone call). My partner downplays it.
5 hours later my partner texts back: I know I was looking forward to it, we could do a weekday next week after I finish work? although I can't do Wednesday x
Woman: Tuesday, weather permitting? x
My partner: Yes sounds good, shall I get to yours straight from work at about 5.30pm?
Woman: Yes definitely, I shall be ready for you x
My partner doesn't reply
Woman texts again: Did you have a good journey over to (city family lives in)?
My partner: Yes good thanks there wasn't too much traffic, how was your away day?
Woman: send three mundane texts about her away day
My partner does not reply

I honestly think it is pretty benign and wouldn't be remotely concerned.

Another vote for she's definitely interested. To me it's obvious!

Maybe ask him to take note every time she advances another unsolicited piece of information about her life, or says she wants/wishes she could see him. That might be an eye-opener for him (assuming innocence)...

Why does it matter if she is interested? He isn't, that is clear from the number of times he doesn't answer her texts. This seems a stupid thing to be having arguments over.

Does she definitely know about you? I'd get him to invite her over for lunch one day to meet you. Or you could go meet him for lunch at work and he could invite her to meet you too.

Another vote for you're being too generous.
Your DH is not interested (so far), but she definitely is trying (and he's not responding but not stopping it either).
You are unsettled about it (with good reason), and he's going to carry on doing it?
Bearing in mind she's not a close friend this is very inconsiderate to you and encouraging to this woman with no boundaries. How does he justify not taking your feelings into account and finding a different cycling partner (or cycling on his own)?
I would not be happy.

"proper overfilled my bath"

This sentence rings bells to me. They weren't talking about a bath initially, so it suggests to me that they've either had a previous conversation about the bath or he was with her whilst she was running that bath.
Why did it over fill? Were they doing something together which made her forget about the bath?

I'd be very suspicious, not just of her, but of your DH too. Sorry

OP I have been/am in a similar situation with you, except this woman is not only a ‘work colleague’ but a neighbour so I know her pretty well too. She has form for EA’s as she had one with another neighbour two years ago, and is v flirty.

DH and I argued about them spending time together, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it takes two to Tango. If she tried it on with my DH then I know he would tell her to fuck off. There’s no question in my mind. And you need to be able to trust your DH like that.

I feel sorry for my neighbour in a way, that she gets her kicks from trying to get attention from men (it’s all she talks about, even though she has a DH herself)

Our arguments about her were damaging our relationship so now I just keep repeating the ‘it takes two to tango’ mantra because it really does. Even if neighbour threw herself at DH naked I know he would not be interested.

Your DH is being very open with you about the messages, and he’s probably resisting stopping the friendship as he thinks you feel you don’t trust HIM. Remember the tango thing when you next argue.

Also remember (and this sounds harsh) if he wants to stray he will find opportunity. These things don’t happen by accident. A person who loves and respects their partner will not be tempted,

Whilst I agree someone can’t be made to stray and it’s their decision, it doesn’t hurt to minimise risks and opportunities.

I'm more swayed towards she is interested in him and is flirting. Even if it is totally innocent and she sees him as a friend, she still wants more from him than he's giving and that's a little inappropriate. The fact he's not replying to some of the messages and she still keeps trying is what makes me think she has an interest. I would ask him to mention in the texts some of the plans with you and see how she reacts.

OP, I have a very finely tuned radar for this kind of thing so am interested in your posts.

She sounds lonely and needy. Probably really pleased to have found a cycling friend to spend time with. I think she just doesn’t have that sense of when friendly messaging toes the line and could be interpreted as over-friendly. She is only thinking of herself, not anyone else.

Your DH’s reaction shows he is uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do. The reason he gets angry is because of that. He enjoys cycling, is happy to go out cycling with her on a casual basis but never wanted it to be complicated by her sending friendly texts which have nothing to do with cycling! He will be worried that all this is going to impact on him enjoying his hobby and that suddenly it is also impacting on his relationship. His defensiveness shows his discomfort. He will be worried that he has done something wrong / invited this when actually I don’t think he has...he thought it was a straightforward cycling buddy arrangement which is now becoming texts about other crap that he isn’t interested in.

Do I think you have anything to worry about? No. He told you about the text. But don’t get angry with him otherwise he will stop communicating with you about it. She may have a few boundaries issues and think that it is more of a friendship than it is. His responses to her texts show that for him it is purely a cycling buddy arrangement.

OP...there are a lot of women out there who lack insight about their interactions with others. Just stay aware from afar but don’t let this ruin your relationship because he is trying to communicate with you and while he is doing that it is positive!

I'd be uneasy

I can't see anything flirtatious in those text messages.

Tell him it ends now. He can't contact her again. She won't give up but I would suggest he changes his number

He is replying which is encouraging her and that's not on

I think the main issue is that this woman is assuming that your partner is available for big chunks of time at the weekend and has time to get into conversation over text, when he has a partner he should be more inclined to spend his time with.
Next time she asks to meet up cycling, it wouldn't do any harm to say sorry I am spending time with my partner/ wife. Needs to make it clear that you are his priority and he doesn't see her in that light.

He should not even be replying

it's unfair to you that he is encouraging her

I don't think there's anything sinister in them, it's the seeming grappling for attention....maybe she's really friendly....maybe lonely.....maybe enthused at having a fitness cycling buddy....maybe has a slight crush on him.

Whichever it is....there's too many maybes

Why don't you invite her over with you both for a Christmas drink...she sees you both as a couple...you get the lay of the land.

She mentioned the bath which had absolutely no relevance to anything that is clearly flirting- she's trying to put an image in his head.

Op you mentioned earlier you want our opinions to know if you are right or wrong but the simple truth is that if this very new friendship is upsetting you so much he should put an end to it because he doesn't want to hurt you. Your not asking him to stop seeing a childhood friend or someone very important to him.

Actually, if they had been for a long bike ride the bath reference could be relevant

She's definitely trying to engage with him. I don't think the xs are appropriate and he shouldn't use them in replies.

I would assume the bath was a reference to having a hot bath to relax aching muscles after long bike ride.

"An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x"

No - she's over-stepped the mark.
Totally inappropriate in my book.

I wouldn't be happy about the kisses either.
Does she know about you?

If yes, she hasn't got any respect for you.

She is definitely putting the feelers out. Bringing up swimming and baths when they weren’t topics of discussion = think about me in a bikini/naked. Talking about her lung capacity is setting him up for a ‘your lung capacity seems fine to me love’ nudge nudge, wink wink.

She tells him more than once that she’s looking forward to seeing him. Not going on the bike ride. She’s letting him know that the attraction of the bike ride for her is spending time with him.

His detached demeanor in the texts does not match his emotional behavior during your “horrific arguments,” when he threatens to resent you for asking him to cease their day-long journeys and cozy togetherness at hers

This is the thing I have a problem with. I can’t square his defensiveness with his protestations that it’s all innocent. He seems too invested in keeping up the arrangement. You’ve said you’re unhappy with it. You haven’t said he can’t go cycling at all, just that you’d prefer he didn’t go with her. The easy solution is for him to listen to your feelings and say, okay if you’re uncomfortable with it then I’ll go on my own and knock the arrangement on the head. But why isn’t he doing that? He barely knows her, he doesn’t need to cycle with her in order to pursue his hobby. Something doesn’t sit right.

OP I’ve not read your other thread but @mudcity has it bang on thus:

Do I think you have anything to worry about? No. He told you about the text. But don’t get angry with him otherwise he will stop communicating with you about it

And frame the cycling “restrictions” differently to sound conciliatory and not dictatorial.

“You know how I feel about this arrangement but I’m not gonna ban you seeing her. Just know that weekends are time for us and if you do want to use one to go cycling then fine - just knock it off after four hours or so”.

I’m married to a cyclist. The get hella precious when they think their hobby is under threat. This approach will help you in the long run x

Why aren't more cyclists going on the ride? I'm a cyclist and we often go out in groups.