'Flirty' texts to my partner - yes/no?

[katy78]

Hi, I recently wrote this post yesterday about not knowing what to do about my boyfriend wanting to continue cycling with a woman I perceived interested in him (due to her texts) and me wanting him to stop: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3437896-Clash-of-boundaries-how-to-proceed

Some of you wanted to know what the texts said so I thought I would post to ask your opinions. I didn't mention last time that my partner is 32 and this woman is single and 50. However, while that may change some of your views, I should mention my partner has had sexual relations with a 50 year old before when he was 25. Please also bare in mind this is a brand new friendship they hardly know each other at work as they work in different departments.

So they went on a time trial (first cycle ever together). Afterwards:

Woman: Hey, thanks for cheering up my miserable mood last night. You're a good un! x
Partner: No problem, thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it myself despite struggling to keep up. I've checked my calandar and I'm free on the 9th September x
Woman: He he! Good! Excellent news, you'll love this route.
My partner did not reply

Two days later
Woman: Hey, went for a swim last night - first time since about May :o lung capacity is terrible! More swims required x
My partner did not reply

9th September after their first cycle 1:1 that lasted 6 hours
Woman: Ta for today, it was fun! x
My partner: Yeah I enjoyed it myself too, looking forward to going out again
Woman: Absolutely me too. Proper overfilled my bath and nearly flooded the house! I haven't done any work but it's Sunday, tomorrow is workday x
My partner did not reply.

They scheduled to cycle 1:1 5 days later. On the day:
My partner: Shall we rearrange today? Forecast isn't great.
Woman: I know - its not great in the rain is it? We'll do it one day next week instead :-) have a good weekend in (city family lives in)
My partner did not reply.
An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x
My partner phones me and reads that text out to me as he thinks it's strange. I say its strange and I am surprised (I had never thought anything of this woman until this phone call). My partner downplays it.
5 hours later my partner texts back: I know I was looking forward to it, we could do a weekday next week after I finish work? although I can't do Wednesday x
Woman: Tuesday, weather permitting? x
My partner: Yes sounds good, shall I get to yours straight from work at about 5.30pm?
Woman: Yes definitely, I shall be ready for you x
My partner doesn't reply
Woman texts again: Did you have a good journey over to (city family lives in)?
My partner: Yes good thanks there wasn't too much traffic, how was your away day?
Woman: send three mundane texts about her away day
My partner does not reply

I think she's interested but he isn't and is making a fool of herself. Tell him to talk about you to her so that she gets the message.

OP - I am closer in age to her than I am to you...
This isn’t how grown up women flirt.
This seem a bit more that she is lonely she wants to chat, to somebody, anybody

If I were you i’d not make a big deal over it. Your bf told you about the texts and clearly isn’t hiding anything.
It’s you make it more than it is - who knows if next time he’ll be as forthcoming, or if he decides to avoid aggravation. And that’s a slippery slope

Another vote for "that seems fine". I wouldn't even have a problem with the kisses, personally - it's just how some people text. As others have said, she sounds potentially a bit over-invested, but that doesn't mean she fancies him. And even if she does, there's zero evidence he fancies her. As long as he maintains boundaries, I think you can relax.

Personally I don't sign texts to men with an X (unless it's DH, DS, DF), just because I don't want anything to be misinterpreted.That said cycling seems to form quite full-on friendships fast, my DH is a cyclist and it's brought him various new friendships that sprung up quite quickly. Looking back I wonder how I would feel about a couple of those friendships if they'd been with female cyclists.

You've made your boundaries clear, he's aware of your concerns if she's really becoming a mate arrange something social? If it's a work thing it's possible that someone else might be joining them soon too, they're unlikely to be the only two keen cyclists in a large workplace.

I get why it feels off. The texts about cycling are fine but he's not giving her anything back so she's trying to kick start conversations. That in itself isn't flirting though, she might just be a sharer, or overly invested in her friends, or lonely, or bad with boundaries, but it could also be that she's interested in him.

The other texts could be innocuous or could be an attempt to get him to e.g. picture her naked (a lot of dating advice for men apparently says if a woman mentions a bath/shower that's what they're doing) but there's really no way of knowing. The 'looking forward to seeing you' raised my eyebrow A bit, usually I'd say something like ' I was looking forward to going out today' or something if the outing is related to a hobby, but it really could be nothing and she's just happy to have a friend.

I don't think there's much to necessarily worry about at the moment. Your DH clearly has his boundaries and is maintaining them even though hers are clearly different, so if she pushes them then the cycling can end, but I think stopping it right now might be a bit premature (unless it's making your DH uncomfortable).

The other texts could be innocuous or could be an attempt to get him to e.g. picture her naked (a lot of dating advice for men apparently says if a woman mentions a bath/shower that's what they're doing) but there's really no way of knowing.

Oh that's an interesting point actually

Bloke here. If I was single (or up to no good) I would be certain that I would have a good chance with this woman. Maybe i am wrong. Great that they can cycle together but all that stuff about getting ready for you? Game on!

Yes OP I agree with you, it's a subtle way of her hinting that she is sad she can't see him. Also scoping out if he feels the same about her. She's treading carefully because I guess she knows he's married, but for her this is a bit more than a bike ride.

Your husband has done nothing wrong and him being clear with you and not responding to her texts when unnecessary shows that he is not initiating anything. However, I do feel the more time they spend together the more it will progress even if just on her end.

It's a tricky one, if he refuses to stop something that makes you feel uncomfortable then I think that's really unfair. Yes to him it may not seem much, but he needs to pick your feelings over a bike ride with some random. Imagine if the roles were reversed, not sure he'd like it so much.

Sorry OP just re-reading your message, given the age difference and that they know each other through work is she senior to him? That's potentially a tricky layer of awkward for him if so.

If it does continue I know eventually he will come to you with some overly suggestive/flirty message he's received and ask you what he should do about it.

I think she sounds keen to be honest otherwise the texts would be more straight to the point. She is trying to get him to engage in extra chat and asking too many personal things. The looking forward to seeing him text was the real giveaway.

A similar thing happened to my husband at work a couple of years ago though he was about 40 at the time and she was 50. She would get possessive at work functions and have to sit with him etc. I've got to say it didn't really bother me as I knew my husband wasn't interested in that way and she was going through a tough time.

I dont see anything wrong. These are the type of texts i send my friends ( just not about cycling!)male and female

She's definitely trying to get him interested. Why does he reply with the x on the end? Is it just habit?....he needs to stop doing it straight away.

It's too familiar bordering on flirtatious. I would text a mate saying 'I was so looking forward to seeing you' etc it's a bit much

She's definitely flirting with him. Get him to invite her back to yours after after their bike ride for a cup of tea so she can see what she's messing with. Just don't drive him to her by being jealous, he's not interested in her YET!

There’s nothing flirty at all in those texts..

Although ..as a previous post says, if she had put ‘I was looking forward to getting out for a ride’. Then it could be a different matter 😂

Wow - they are not flirty!!!

That is what two friends would say to each other in including the looking forward to you bit.

And i hope he gave you permission to share those...

God to my reading it is completely obvious what her game is! She’s totally “putting the feelers” out there. And it’s obvious she is into him when she says she was looking forward to seeing him. Totally understand you feeling uncomfortable OP, I would too if it was me, and I’d be asking him to cut contact. It’s just not appropriate. Obviously he likely the shared interest but moreso the attention. He can cycle alone, with other people etc, it shouldn’t be a big deal as he shouldnt be attached to cycling with this woman.
Also kisses at the end of messages to a ‘collegaue’, big no no

I dont think the messages are flirty at all but I wouldn't like the "I was looking forward to seeing you" bit.
I do a lot of climbing and so tend to go out with men for this (just because I know more men than women who climb). Many are married/in relationships (as am I). We never put kisses at the end of messages aand whilst we enjoy each other's company we might say something like 'looking forward to getting out' something similar, it is always very clearly about the climb and not personal. I do think it's weird to say, "I was looking forward to seeing you" because then it's not about the cycle.
I do think however that if it is causing arguments and you are uncomfortable with it then your DH should be listening to that. At the very least I would suggest he stops putting kisses at the end of messages just to make sure there is absolutely nothing she could pick up on as a potential sign of interest.

Why are you arguing? If you trust your husband you’ve nothing to worry about. If I read this correctly he told you when he felt a message was inappropriate.

She says looking forward to seeing him rather than looking forward to the cycle also she'll be ready for him - what on earth does that mean? Hate all the kisses like they're teenagers. Totally inappropriate.

I'd let him go cycling with her. If something happens it would have happened anyway if he's a cheat. If he's not and he turns her down he'll come back to you with his tail between his legs knowing he was out of order. I'd be signing up to a gym and mentioning Andy or whoever. The very fact that he doesn't mind it upset you would be annoying in itself.

I'd maybe do something like taking a crucial bit of kit out his bag and offer to take it to him to meet her and I'd be giving her a quizzical raised eyebrow, smirking stare as if she's ridiculous chasing a married man she's old enough to be the mother of.

What if he told her you would be joining them?
I would think her reaction would be revealing.

Thing is there is no friendship yet - they barely know each other so the x at the end is insincere nonsense - they have no history of a friendship.

You need to meet her I think he can agree to that as he wants to carry on the friendship at the very least.

Is she really worth all this angst, for both you and your husband, getting ready, kisses after messages and looking forward to seeing him are all inappropriate if not flirty; why oh why can't he just bin her off, they don't even have a history of any kind of friendship.