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Original poster

'Flirty' texts to my partner - yes/no?

146 replies

katy78 · 30/11/2018 11:22

Hi, I recently wrote this post yesterday about not knowing what to do about my boyfriend wanting to continue cycling with a woman I perceived interested in him (due to her texts) and me wanting him to stop: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3437896-Clash-of-boundaries-how-to-proceed

Some of you wanted to know what the texts said so I thought I would post to ask your opinions. I didn't mention last time that my partner is 32 and this woman is single and 50. However, while that may change some of your views, I should mention my partner has had sexual relations with a 50 year old before when he was 25. Please also bare in mind this is a brand new friendship they hardly know each other at work as they work in different departments.

So they went on a time trial (first cycle ever together). Afterwards:

Woman: Hey, thanks for cheering up my miserable mood last night. You're a good un! x
Partner: No problem, thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it myself despite struggling to keep up. I've checked my calandar and I'm free on the 9th September x
Woman: He he! Good! Excellent news, you'll love this route.
My partner did not reply

Two days later
Woman: Hey, went for a swim last night - first time since about May :o lung capacity is terrible! More swims required x
My partner did not reply

9th September after their first cycle 1:1 that lasted 6 hours
Woman: Ta for today, it was fun! x
My partner: Yeah I enjoyed it myself too, looking forward to going out again
Woman: Absolutely me too. Proper overfilled my bath and nearly flooded the house! I haven't done any work but it's Sunday, tomorrow is workday x
My partner did not reply.

They scheduled to cycle 1:1 5 days later. On the day:
My partner: Shall we rearrange today? Forecast isn't great.
Woman: I know - its not great in the rain is it? We'll do it one day next week instead :-) have a good weekend in (city family lives in)
My partner did not reply.
An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x
My partner phones me and reads that text out to me as he thinks it's strange. I say its strange and I am surprised (I had never thought anything of this woman until this phone call). My partner downplays it.
5 hours later my partner texts back: I know I was looking forward to it, we could do a weekday next week after I finish work? although I can't do Wednesday x
Woman: Tuesday, weather permitting? x
My partner: Yes sounds good, shall I get to yours straight from work at about 5.30pm?
Woman: Yes definitely, I shall be ready for you x
My partner doesn't reply
Woman texts again: Did you have a good journey over to (city family lives in)?
My partner: Yes good thanks there wasn't too much traffic, how was your away day?
Woman: send three mundane texts about her away day
My partner does not reply

OP posts:
MrsMiggel · 30/11/2018 13:29

The only bit I wouldn’t like is “I was looking forward to seeing you”. That’s a bit too intimate. The rest is fairly mundane.

Catalicious · 30/11/2018 13:33

She seems lonely. He has behaved himself impeccably. You should be able to trust him to handle this, and why would it cause fights?

ErickBroch · 30/11/2018 13:41

She is 1000000% trying to continue a conversation and be chatting. For what it's worth, I think your partner seems solid. But she is definitely not to be trusted!

'I was looking forward to seeing you :/ x' - that is massively bloody flirty!

Woooman · 30/11/2018 13:41

At first glance the messages are not flirty at all. It's all pretty dull. However, on second reading I do think she's subtly putting out the feelers. The message about swimming could be her trying to see whether he would want to go swimming with her, or to try and get him to imagine her in a swimming costume or even actually being a bit subtly rude by talking about her "lungs" and their "capacity". It's just an odd way to phrase it. Normally people would say they got out of breath quickly or they felt unfit. I've never heard anyone refer to their "lung capacity" when talking about going swimming. I definitely think there is more to that message than just innocent conversation. The one about looking forward to seeing your dh is odd and definitely putting out feelers. In general it's all pretty mundane but she's obviously trying to encourage the communication between them both.

If I were in your situation I wouldn't be rowing about it. I think it's all so subtle that it's making you look ott and controlling to him which is making him stubborn because he doesn't see what she's doing wrong. I completely get why you're suspicious but I think you need to calm down and let him nip it in the bud when it crosses the line for him rather than demanding he stops seeing her out of work now. He isn't going to agree with you at this point as he doesn't see it but given time he will and when that happens if he's a decent person he will sort it out and you will know it's been sorted because he wanted to deal with it rather than because you told him to.

Woooman · 30/11/2018 13:45

Oh and the message about being ready for him. Come on! Blatant flirting there!

lizzie1970a · 30/11/2018 13:47

You don't get to being a 50 year old woman not knowing how innocent things like an x at the end of a text can be misconstrued by men (plus "I was looking forward to seeing you"). As a woman even the most innocent chats with male work colleagues (or men in a pub or anywhere else) can give the wrong impression. I've had a number of situations where I've worked with someone and we've chatted over time, all innocent, definitely not flirting, just talking to him as I would chat to another woman, and he's got the wrong end of the stick. Either something friendly but innocent you've said has been met with a subtle or not so subtle mentioning of a wife (or girlfriend) and you think hang on mate we were just passing the time of day as we've been doing a while, in your dreams if you think I fancy you, or they say something suggestive, inappropriate back as they think you're "up for it". This woman knows what she's doing. She's fishing. I'm very careful now although naturally friendly and if they get the wrong end of the stick it's their problem but I wouldn't be doing what this woman is doing - the x and the looking forward to seeing you is too familiar and your DH is a bit of a numpty to put an x back as he barely knows here, it's a kiss he's putting out there.

Kittykat93 · 30/11/2018 13:50

She's definitely flirting!! Talking about the bath, wanting to see him, being ready for him. Finding excuses all the time to text. Kisses on each one.

I'd be asking my bloke to cool it off a bit I think.

MrsCar · 30/11/2018 13:52

She's not flirting, but she's clearly trying to engage and initiate further conversation with him.

I find it a bit odd that she does this, given that he didn't reply to so many messages.

I mean really, take a hint Confused

MrsCar · 30/11/2018 13:53

Actually, I'll agree with the previous poster. I think there was something in it when she mentioned the bath Hmm

Yoyooyo · 30/11/2018 13:53

People are saying she sounds lonely like she's old Dorris who chats to the postman for half hour daily because she has no living relatives left. XD

She's 50 has a life goes swimming and works. She's not that old and alot of people send msgs that are ambiguous so they can always retreat if rejected or if anyone like yourself was reading them.

I feel a lot of these msgs are her putting out the bait so say. Getting him to picture her in less clothes and the bath and probably saying stuff about her fitness in a hope he will say no you look really fit or something.

I remember when I was dating my partner I'd msg stuff like that but once we were actually dating.

RavenLG · 30/11/2018 13:58

I feel a lot of these msgs are her putting out the bait so say. Getting him to picture her in less clothes and the bath and probably saying stuff about her fitness in a hope he will say no you look really fit or something

Exactly this. She's going out of her way to text him, ask about his day, engage with him. Then dropping weighted texts like "I was looking forward to seeing you" in the hopes that he will respond in a similar fashion. I wouldn't like it either to be honest.

ineedsomeinspiration · 30/11/2018 14:09

That doesn't seem flirty at all to me. I can't see anything flirty at all and if a Male friend had said it was a shame he had to cancel as he was looking forward to seeing him then I expect you'd have thought nothing of it.
My husband runs with a female work colleague, I don't even read their texts.

MaryJenson · 30/11/2018 14:11

Are you sure he’s not deleting his replies?

ineedsomeinspiration · 30/11/2018 14:11

I'd also put a x on messages, in birthday cards etc to the majority of people so would mean nothing coming from me.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/11/2018 14:24

Doesn't seem flirty to me. And he appears to have behaved impeccably. And, even if she is interested, it takes two to tango.

So no - it isn't reasonable for you to control his friendships and hobbies. Either you trust him, or you don't. If you don't, then banning him from seeing this woman isn't going to solve that - there are clearly deeper issues that you need to work on. And, if you do, then he isn't going t o do anything anyway.

It isn't okay for spouses - male or female - to be controlling.

Thankyounext · 30/11/2018 14:39

Definitely too flirty for my liking ie I was looking forward to seeing you.

Also inviting flirting from him eg referencing the bath, swimming and I shall be ready for you. Why mention she went for a swim or was in the bath?

As it happens it doesn’t look like your partner is biting but she sounds well up for it to me.

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 14:42

Yeah hopefully he's not deleting his replies, not difficult.

Doonewanker · 30/11/2018 14:43

Yep. The swimming and bath mentions are for him to visualise. She's setting him up to say something sexy back. Plenty of cheating men would use that as bait to ramp the chat up. She's testing the waters and setting him up for that. I think he's answering well. If he carries on like that she'll probably give up in the end but it's bloody annoying for you to have to watch her.

Trinity66 · 30/11/2018 14:45

Are you sure he’s not deleting his replies?

It doesn't seem likely if he actually showed her one he thought might be a bit dodgy.

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 14:48

Is a 6 hour cycle not a bit excessive also.

Trinity66 · 30/11/2018 14:56

Is a 6 hour cycle not a bit excessive also.

Not if you're really into cycling I suppose but I actually re read those messages and I've changed my mind, she's definitely really into him. They sound worse the more you read them. If I was you OP I would tell your DP to invite her for coffee or something, see what happens there

BlokeHereInPeace · 30/11/2018 15:07

A 6 hour cycle ride, either your old man is very healthy or they are stopping for lunch.

MaryJenson · 30/11/2018 15:12

Does he log his rides?
Strava or something else you could check

Adora10 · 30/11/2018 15:19

Sorry maybe just me OP but I also think it's strange he answers some messages but not others, that's why I am wondering if he is deleting some of his replies, that's what it looks like to me with those gaps.

ineedsomeinspiration · 30/11/2018 15:22

I've just re read those texts and they are the sort of thing me and my friend (we're both female) send to each other. I've mentioned a bath for sore muscles before. I'm not trying to get her to picture me in the bath.
My votes still for it seems innocent.