'Flirty' texts to my partner - yes/no?

[katy78]

Hi, I recently wrote this post yesterday about not knowing what to do about my boyfriend wanting to continue cycling with a woman I perceived interested in him (due to her texts) and me wanting him to stop: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3437896-Clash-of-boundaries-how-to-proceed

Some of you wanted to know what the texts said so I thought I would post to ask your opinions. I didn't mention last time that my partner is 32 and this woman is single and 50. However, while that may change some of your views, I should mention my partner has had sexual relations with a 50 year old before when he was 25. Please also bare in mind this is a brand new friendship they hardly know each other at work as they work in different departments.

So they went on a time trial (first cycle ever together). Afterwards:

Woman: Hey, thanks for cheering up my miserable mood last night. You're a good un! x
Partner: No problem, thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it myself despite struggling to keep up. I've checked my calandar and I'm free on the 9th September x
Woman: He he! Good! Excellent news, you'll love this route.
My partner did not reply

Two days later
Woman: Hey, went for a swim last night - first time since about May :o lung capacity is terrible! More swims required x
My partner did not reply

9th September after their first cycle 1:1 that lasted 6 hours
Woman: Ta for today, it was fun! x
My partner: Yeah I enjoyed it myself too, looking forward to going out again
Woman: Absolutely me too. Proper overfilled my bath and nearly flooded the house! I haven't done any work but it's Sunday, tomorrow is workday x
My partner did not reply.

They scheduled to cycle 1:1 5 days later. On the day:
My partner: Shall we rearrange today? Forecast isn't great.
Woman: I know - its not great in the rain is it? We'll do it one day next week instead :-) have a good weekend in (city family lives in)
My partner did not reply.
An hour later woman texts again: Blood weather! I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ x
My partner phones me and reads that text out to me as he thinks it's strange. I say its strange and I am surprised (I had never thought anything of this woman until this phone call). My partner downplays it.
5 hours later my partner texts back: I know I was looking forward to it, we could do a weekday next week after I finish work? although I can't do Wednesday x
Woman: Tuesday, weather permitting? x
My partner: Yes sounds good, shall I get to yours straight from work at about 5.30pm?
Woman: Yes definitely, I shall be ready for you x
My partner doesn't reply
Woman texts again: Did you have a good journey over to (city family lives in)?
My partner: Yes good thanks there wasn't too much traffic, how was your away day?
Woman: send three mundane texts about her away day
My partner does not reply

Adora10 If that was the case though why would he bring the OPs attention to their texting in the first place when she wasn't even thinking about it before?

I don't know Trinity, I just don't like it esp going by the OPs previous thread on this, they are arguing continually about this woman.

I just think he could go cycle with anyone else; why does she have to keep a regular dialogue with him, they are not friends, this is all new so he's hardly going to be letting her down and honestly, if it was my partner, I'd shut it down right away.

The kisses, the looking forward to seeing you and the six hour cycle, just seems a bit OTT for me.

Oh I agree with you on that, I wouldn't like it at all and I don't think my Dh would if it were reversed.

I’m with Ineedsome, I’ve done boxing classes with a married male friend and have sent texts about ‘Jesus I needed that bath’ when we’ve worked out hard. Meant nothing other than, exhausted muscles.

Sorry haven't read all the replieds but it sounds very much like she's flirting, it's subtle but it's intentional

There's no need to mention her having a bath, it's the sort of thing I'd say to a potential date to gauge interest she's giving him a lead to start flirting...

The 'looking forward to seeing you" mentioned twice is also a flag, I might say that to a good friend, but not a work friend. She's letting him know she misses HIM not the ride.

And of course the mundane nothing texts that aren't needed, she's pushing him to start a back and forth conversation and he's not playing, which is good! But this isn't innocent from her side and he does need to be careful.

Think it sounds more that she simoly trying to be more friendly. Theyobviously are friendly when they cycle so she’s trying to keep it up outside too

The differences of opinion are really interesting. To me, as a bloke, it is about the bath and the missing you and the get ready for you (not the x at the end of the message, that's nothing).

BlokeHereInPeace I suppose the X's depend on how you text. Like personally I only send X's to my DH, kids, mom and a couple of my best friends sometimes. So it would seem odd to me for that reason. But i agree ready for you is an odd way to phrase what she's saying. The "for you" is totally unnecessary and makes the sentence sound odd. Normally a person would say I'll be ready or ready to go, not for you, it's kind of suggesting a double meaning but not one you couldn't wriggle out of, same with the the looking forward to seeing you rather than looking forward to the cycle, it's inviting a come back in a subtle (ish) way

She's hoping he'll be turned on by the mention of the bath and her fitness. He's not. She wants him to say that he's disappointed about the postponement. He has not. I'd feel sorry for her if she weren't chasing a married man! I think he should give her some space to get over her crush.

I know it’s not the done thing on here but I would be having a word with her reminding her he is married. And I would not be impressed if he continued seeing her, shared hobby or not.

The mention of the bath, the swimming, missing you and her really trying to keep the conversation going are all red flags

She's totally flirting. Posters saying "me and my friend do this" are missing the point - they are not friends as they have no real history. OP said this happened after very limited time together....that makes it totally different than if they had known each other for years.

Too invested in this thread. Want to know what happened. Hope op is doing okay

Haha. Well fortunately due to the weather and it getting dark early, he hasn't been able to go cycling and I have requested he not go on weekends as they are for us after we have been working all week. I've took all your comments on board and after receiving 90 replies to this thread I think 10 people think it is innocent and the rest think she is interested in him. So I am really grateful to know I am perhaps not going mad thinking along the same lines. I have decided to heed Woooman's advice specifically:

If I were in your situation I wouldn't be rowing about it. I think it's all so subtle that it's making you look ott and controlling to him which is making him stubborn because he doesn't see what she's doing wrong. I completely get why you're suspicious but I think you need to calm down and let him nip it in the bud when it crosses the line for him rather than demanding he stops seeing her out of work now. He isn't going to agree with you at this point as he doesn't see it but given time he will and when that happens if he's a decent person he will sort it out and you will know it's been sorted because he wanted to deal with it rather than because you told him to

So this is my plan and hopefully she will reveal what she wants without me being the bad guy. It hurts that he doesn't want to take my feelings on board but he just sees me as reading into the situation completely wrongly and making him suffer as a result (by asking him not to cycle with her). I hope in time he will realise. I guess I will try and set some boundaries (ask him not to cycle more than once a week, not go into her house afterwards and not cycle on weekends).

I think you are being very generous there.

Me too

I don't see any flirting at all - just being friendly. I think a lot of people just add x to the end of all their messages - one of my workmates always does that. She sends me messages with an x and I am very very sure that she wasn't trying to chat me up with references to sexy spreadsheets.

It's funny how different people communicate.

I’d find her texts pushy and over-familiar, if they only newly know each other. She seems to be reaching out to him and trying to create a connection. On a group/club chat, it would be fine and innocuous. Direct, just to one person, and unsolicited: not so fine.

I had a very similar situation with my Dh and a work client. Her emails were so over familiar and some really crossed a line. She talk about work then add about how wonderful my Dh was and how greatful she was to be working with him. Dh just couldn't see an issue, he kept saying, I’m old enough to be her Dad, she’s not interested. I said he needed to be careful, she’s just come out of a relationship with someone she thought she would marry and imo was lonely. —and desperate, she is 30, DH is 53–
He finally got it when she arranged drinks after a meeting. He turned up, assuming others were going and it was just him and her. He stayed for half an hour came home and admitted I was right.

I’d be really upset if my H had acted like yours OP. He’s basically not really giving a damn about your feelings and spending a lot of time with this other woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you had someone sending texts like that, then you spent half the weekend with them.

"I'll be ready for you " and a smiler is flirty!
As OP said she's being subtle as she knows he's not single, and trying to engage him / flirt just a little - that's how it often starts. Obviously is he doesn't fancy her, she won't achieve anything.

She's attempting to flirt but she's shit at it. Doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about.

Listen to your gut .

If the arguments do continue, and given that it wouldn’t make things worse, I’d be tempted to let him read this thread to be honest... so many good points that he won’t of considered. Make help him see sense and at the very least be more cautious.

Agree she is flirting/testing boundaries, he is not reacting at all. Cycling is not an activity that is particularly conducive to intimacy though unlike say working on a project together. But yes I agree to stop arguing, back off a bit yourself, maybe find your own activity and be out while he is off cycling. He needs to realise for himself that putting you in a situation like this is unfair, and he may realise that faster if you are a bit cool rather than angry.

I have read both threads and see Big Red Flags. You were right to take action and put your foot down!

My theory is that she is trying to seduce him with her sexual innuendo. I think he knows it and is intrigued, hence his strong demands to continue being alone with her at the expense of your feelings. He is gaslighting you by denying her intent and by accusing you of misreading the situation and being irrational/controlling.

His detached demeanor in the texts does not match his emotional behavior during your “horrific arguments,” when he threatens to resent you for asking him to cease their day-long journeys and cozy togetherness at hers.

I agree with a poster on the other thread who believes he created (faux) transparency to throw you off the scent and get you onside by sharing the texts, feigning confusion and then downplaying her interest. Perhaps, as others wondered, he deleted some of his responses or refrained from responding to prove to you his disinterest. He doesn’t seem disinterested now.

In your other thread you say that you two have never fought like this in your entire 8 years together. You say it’s like “living in hell.” Why is he fighting so hard to be with her? Why is he so willing to hurt and disrespect you, risking your relationship?

This feels like EA/PA territory to me. Are you sure that he only recently met her and that he hardly ever sees her at work? Certainly they have now had quite a few 1:1 experiences. I think that at some point in all this, something has developed.

If my husband treated me with such contempt and fought to be alone with another woman for extended lengths of time under these circumstances, I would tell him to leave.