Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

Bookmarking to read later . Similar situation apart from financial I worry I’ve left it too late DC is old enough to go live with Dad who is his favourite mainly as I’m bad cop. I wish we had split up when DC were much younger now I’m nearly 50 the animosity between us is really bad now and especially since no Sex (2years) has probably had a detrimental effect on the DC :-(.

Great Thread I'm also in the boat.

You sound like a lovely mum by the way
Maybe take the pressure off yourself in terms of a deadline? There is no right or wrong time.The timeConstraint will only make it worse. Maybe think of positive steps like me. Squirrelling away money, photocopying documents, thinking about where you would live?

In my case I have a DS age 3 and I'm pregnant with my second due to arrive soon. It certainly doesn't feel like a good time to leave. But when is? The last sobering 7-8 months during pregnancy have allowed me to think clearly and put my thoughts into perspective.

I've told my DH that once baby is here im going. He's not a very good communicator so I torture myself wondering where I'm going, how it will Pan out basically going in circles in my mind. People tell me or I read that this phase is harder than the doing phase. I haven't told too many people apart from my mum/sibling.

I play down the severity of my misery as I don't like them worrying but I've looked at renting somewhere near them before my DS starts school in September so maybe 2/3 months over summer as a trial for me/kids.

Granted I'm sure it won't be easy as I love where I live and where I'd be going I won't however I'll have support from family.

The biggest catalyst for change and pressing forward for me is my kids. I know this situation I'm in isn't going to get better. There is no physical abuse but we are both mean to each other. I send him horrible texts about how he makes me sad, lonely, (he slowly withdrew Affection, Intimacy, sex) and I've become isolated, anxious, unsure when I was a bubbly, outgoing, loving person before. Yes I blame him. But I don't want my kids witnessing our relationship as 'the norm' that's my concern.

I'm hugely emotional as a person and find it hard to hide my feelings. Weekdays are manageable when he's at work but weekends are difficult when we are together and I hate the atmosphere in our home for my DS. My DH is a great father. But he's controlling and gets annoyed when things dont go his way. So even when we are trying to be civil our DS picks up on vibe.

I think ultimately life is too short to feel like this. He has finally agreed we can't go on like this. We sleep in different bedrooms. I haven't booked any holidays for next year so try and avoid making more plans together if you're Serious about leaving. I know that's hard too. It's so hard when you're in it. I think by telling people it also means you are more likely to act on it. Something im yet to do myself (fiercely private) but take comfort in knowing you're not alone. You deserve to be happy.

I would love someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it's al going to be ok. This pregnancy I've felt so lonely and vulnerable. Nurturing/growing another human being whilst I feel so vulnerable myself. But in a way I know I'll be okay.

Having my DH around and knowing I feel like this but him being so emotionally cold towards me despite me carrying his child is almost like what I needed to man up that if he can be like this during pregnancy what does our future hold together as a couple? We have no convention left.

Not a great deal in my eyes. He has proved himself to me during this vulnerable time and for that I'm kind of grateful as it's the catalyst for change i need.

Good luck!!! Stay strong

I have just taken the plunge. Our romantic relationship has been dead for years and it's time as I know we are both lonely and need to be free to make our own lives.

Our children are 12, 9 and 7. Very, very amicable so far. Handshake on 50/ 50 and staying in the family home for six months.

Telling the children will be dreadful. He is away for work next week so will do it when he gets back.

There have been no tears but so much constructive chat. We had been walking on eggshells for years and now can be honest with each other.

The relief is palpable.

Despite having a v young daughter I am 51 but luckily we have a lot of equity and I have a good job. I guess what’s stopped me so far is the thought of being away from DD for weekends let alone holidays but ultimately I want her to want better than this.

I do love DP but know that I am parenting and enabling him and he isn’t happy either - we are both just afraid. I feel so grief stricken and sad for our DD and all of our lost dreams as a family but I can’t go on.

TheEnd I know that not everyone feels like this but equally have a number of friends who are toleranting infertility, emotional coldness etc etc because they can’t face a split. One friend’s DH has just left her and after many years of apparently ecstatic FB posts she’s confessed that he’s been doing this for years.

Er, tolerating INFIDELITY!!!

@Picoloangel - I've gone on for years like that! His indefinitely & lack of honesty have caused me to shut down & just cope with getting through the days. When DC were younger, I could not have afforded childcare on my own, so shutting down emotionally was my coping mechanism.

Then about a year ago, I thought I'd give things one last try, but just can't get past it. Kids are at primary now, so I can make it on my own. Just dreading the upheaval.

In exactly the same place and I’m fed up of wondering which version of DP is going to come downstairs. He’s so irritable some days. I shouted at DD this morning because I am so stressed with doing everything and trying to keep it all in. I am so sad that I shouted at her. I don’t quite know what happened but I have just told my Mum - I have never done that before. I’m getting there I think.

Me too; I told my sister yesterday & some friends over the last week or so.

It has taken me YEARS to get to this point; I know I should have left (for myself) a long time ago but needed to get in the right financial position.

He has a job interview this week so I need to pick my moment.

It’s taken me years too. We also split when DD was 1 but somehow I talked myself out of it. On top of everything else I have the MIL from hell and the thought of not having to deal with her anymore...every cloud eh?

Almost not also! Bloody autocorrect!

I have just done it TheEnd feeling v v sad but I know it’s for the best. He agrees that we are both v unhappy. We are going to try and have counselling to help us keep things amicable.

Mixture of relief, terror and sadness.

@picoloangel well done. Sounds like the wrong thing to say as I know you will be feeling sad and scared. But you've done the hard part, now you can look forward to taking control of your life and bringing happiness back! It's taken so much courage. I've read all your posts and it's impossible to see a future if he won't get help for depression. God why won't they just go to the bloody doctors?! Similar situation here but just totally and utterly unsure of what to do, like many others. Also convince myself I have to leave one minute and then within 30 mins I am back to trying to make it work. I just feel like I absolutely don't know if I am over reacting or if in fact most would be long gone by now. Anyway, how are you feeling tonight? I guess work has been a distraction today. I hope you are OK. You sound like you are very competent and bright and a great mum, I am sure things will be sooo much better for you and DD now.

Thanks What for your kind words. I haven’t slept all night and of course now we are getting along brilliantly!
I am trying not to catastrophise and to take baby steps and make small changes. I have suggested we stay living together for a while and that we have counselling to keep things amicable for DD. He’s open to that.
He’s talking now about getting help but I am holding firm and saying that I can’t see a way forward in the absence of lasting and real change. I’ve pointed out that he’s buried his head in the sand for years and blamed me for everything that’s wrong in our relationship without taking ownership of anything and that I am not prepared for this to be the blueprint of DD’s childhood or future relationships.

For all those who have talked themselves back into staying, maybe you’re not ready yet. I don’t think I have been until now. Something in me has changed this time and I can’t pretend that this is happiness any more. I think this is v v common and we are all hiding in plain sight.

Hi @pina - I am in a similar situation. Told my H very nearly a month ago now that I wanted to end the relationship. We are still living together (I am sleeping in with DC) but I am finding it very hard. He won't leave and is being a bit suffocating, super dad (where for previous years he has been so disinterested and avoidant).
I have been a SAHM for last few years and I wish I had got some of my ducks in a row beforehand (savings/work/a plan) rather than hoping he would understand and leave. I could have acted a lot more swiftly in the following weeks rather than feeling I'm stuck in purgatory!
Hope you are doing OK.
Sending

Someone said to me about not worrying about the big stuff because it’ll take care of itself and that’s turned out to be v good advice. At the moment we work opposite so that we can share the taking and collecting DD - For years I worried about how all that would work but I am in a mindset now where I just know it will. I am v v lucky because I have a reasonably well paid job (though I don’t particularly like it) and have in many ways been a single parent for years. Unfortunately though we live in a v expensive part of UK where I will barely be able to afford a 2 bed place let alone the life that DD has enjoyed until now. Unfortunately I know that there’s going to be a huge price to pay for my happiness.

@amicrazy thanks sending back! I hope it gets better for you soon. How is it in the house? Do you have a social life yourself that you can top up your strength with? My trouble is that I am really stuck in to a lot of home child with Sen as special school is only mornings and they don’t do a huge amount - so getting a job would mean to me my child dropping through a big hole - and I’d have to pick up the pieces for the rest of my life! So I am truly quite stuck. On the positive, DP is being super helpful and nice to be around, so no nasty atmosphere. It’s just the relentness doing holidays, outings, everything as a single person plus kids. Last Christmas and new year made me feel very alone even though I was with people. I just want a partner!

Home educating that should read

@pina - it is fine during the day as he is at work - it is the evenings and weekends I struggle with. I tend to just hide in the bath/go to bed. Weekends are super tough as he still wants to do normal family things with the kids and I can't bear it.

I have had no social life for last 6 years, but managed to go out for one evening this last weekend & I had such a great time. Made me realise I was on the right track. Felt more me then I have done in years.

Totally get about the SEN side of things - my eldest has ASD and why I have not worked l (I am on the other thread too I've just realised - partners with Asperger's)

Just taking it day by day, small steps. Console myself with at least I have made those steps in the right direction.

Xx

@amicrazy. Yes I think if we are going in the right direction, and know why we can’t just go tomorrow, maybe we shouldn’t beat ourselves up. I’ve just given in and do some family stuff with DP at the weekends. Mainly because he’s the only driver and if I don’t he then takes sen child to my SIL who hates me and it was affecting him. Sigh... it’s all a lot of uncomfortable compromises in limbo but it will have an end at some point. I hope!

Hello - I think I'm getting to this point. So much that others have said rings true for me.

Married 30+ years, young adult children, one at Uni, the other settled with partner. H and I had some problems a few years ago - I wasn't happy with certain aspects of our sex life; he wouldn't listen "this is what you have to do if you want to stay married to me" (that sounds truly awful written down). At that point I decided I would put up with it until DCs were no longer dependent and we could split. In the meantime, I would try to save some money - luckily I have had the opportunity to increase my working hours and go full-time at work. Then something happened which gave me the courage to say "enough is enough". The rubbish stopped, but it has never really been replaced with a good physical relationship. During this period, we have had some happy times, some bad times, and a lot of dull times. I have felt that I am just marking time and waiting for things to get either worse or better.

Well, now I have reason to believe he is having an affair. I think it has only just become physical, but he has known the OW for many years. He doesn't know that I know, but I think he knows I am suspicious. I am not sure how to play it just yet. Anyway, that's my story. I'm still getting used to the idea that there has been a shift in the situation and am not sure what to do.

I am also scared about the actual process of separating, selling up and clearing the house. When I have felt reasonably positive about our relationship I have thought about decorating and improving the house (which it needs). Now I think it would be wasting money. I like where I live - we have lovely neighbours and it's convenient for both our jobs.

@WantToBeStrong - that sounds tough, especially if his affair is forcing you to make a decision you're not ready for.

On MN, it's always "LTB". As if people can just chuck a bloke out & move on, in an instant.

In reality, most of us are wondering how the hell we'll be able to keep a roof over our heads on just our salaries & contemplating massive lifestyle changes (not of the "gosh, I'll not be able to afford 3 foreign holidays this year") type.

Having to think about selling or moving homes, areas, schools, perhaps away from families, changing jobs or working hours. It's HUGE. No wonder we are agonising over the decision.

Agree @iwantibeatrong and the end - the affair is making your ability to stay very fragile, fraught and difficult. I am staying at least 2 years, for several good reasons, mostly my kids wellbeing and education. However I think that there is a line, and I’ve discussed this with DP. After quite a few months of feeling incredibly insecure, I said to him that while we were living in the house we are Sitka effectively in a relationship. No matter what either of us want long term, or whether we are in love or not. We are just, matte of fact, the main relationship for each other until one of us moves.

Therefore, we should still treat each other, with respect and kindness, as those in a relationship do. We shouldn’t lie, cheat or be disloyal. We should support each other’s lives.

Of course he can choose to do this or not, but for me that would mean I’d have to leave. No matter how tough.

Pina and TheEnd - think you for your responses. It is comforting to know someone understands - although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Got to go soon - I will try to come back to the thread this evening.

I echo what everyone has said. The reason this takes years is because we care about our children and no one wants to put a bomb under their lives. It’s also a huge loss - it’s grief about what was going to be, the relationship you always hoped you’d have, feelings of failure etc. It’s hugely complex and v v few people can leave and not pay a huge price in some form or another - be it financial or emotional. The sheer heartache of not seeing DD every single day is almost more than I can bear.