Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

[Misty9]

I can't remember if I've posted on here before but I am in this situation too :(

I've more or less decided to split but having the weight of being the one to broach it is making me hesitate. I've felt unhappy for years (together 11) but it would be such a bombshell for the dc (2 under 8) and one really doesn't cope well with change

I'm thinking of sharing my thoughts of separating with dh. We've had counselling and been trying for ages so it won't be a shock...

[DishingOutDone]

There's thread going on in Relationships about a woman whose husband is abusive to her and her young children and other posters have come on to talk about their experiences of their mums leaving abusive dads, or not as the case may be, and saying things like they lost respect for their mums for not leaving. My youngest teen DD says that she feels its her fault I have stayed!! But you know I think kids will always struggle with it once they are old enough to understand some of it; had I left I bet she'd be saying she felt it was her fault we split up

There's no doubt in my mind that I have done the wrong thing staying this long. Very soon there will be no choice, the house will have to be sold, DDs will be adults and I will be left facing a retirement with him or alone. Alone has to be preferable. Older DD has said to me "if you don't leave we (as in her and her sister) would find that VERY confusing!"

My mum lived in an abusive relationship in the 1960s until her death in the 1970s she was only 54 - in those days the financial and practical obstacles were enormous, so I often say to myself that I owe it to her, as well as my DDs, to get out. I am scared of being alone, even more scared of his reaction. But for now we have to stay.

[DishingOutDone]

WantToBeStrong - have you checked to make sure you are not me?! Sounds very similar

[Picoloangel]

Hi all

How is everyone doing? I am getting more rather than less confused. We have been to counselling a couple of times but I think what’s really going on is that I need to go but can’t face actually making the break. I know that if I could go to sleep and wake up in my new life I would do it but I almost don’t have the energy to move home, buy a home etc.
Where we seem to be after a couple of sessions of counselling is that my response to DP’s chronic untreated depression needs to change 🤔 I think he has no idea how miserable my life is when he’s in the clutches of an episode - he’s v anti meds.
I think I get overwhelmed by the prospect of being a single parent and all that that will entail - financially, childcare, moving house etc etc.
I lived alone for years before I met DP so I know I can do it. I can even envisage us being good friends because there’s no real anger there anymore just frustration and sadness for me that he’s no resistant to getting help. I am just paralysed by my own indecision I think I also have a fear that I will be lonely and regret it or that we both will and it will be undoable.

[purplepandas]

Can I please join too? I just can't do this anymore. Trying to steel myself to tell DH tomorrow. We keep going back and forth but the thought of this as forever destroys me. I feel so selfish as two primary aged DCs and he is a great dad.its just not enough and our house is not a happy place. Clearly awake stressing about the impact of what I need to do and whether I can do it.

[NewMe2019]

I've named changed from further up.

Divorce papers have been sent to the court. STBEXH isn't contesting it but has asked twice if there is anything he can do. Yes, if I tell him what to do and how to bloody do it. No thank you!

He reminded me after seeing the divorce papers I actually first mentioned it to him in June last year. I'd completely forgotten that. He said and did nothing. Apparently didn't know what to say to me or how to talk to me so solution was so and say nothing. And now 8 months later when he realises I'm serious and I'm leaving him, he wants to fix it. I'm just not interested in fixing it. I'm just relieved and counting down to when he's moving out (another 4 months).

DCs know, lots of family know. I've created a new email address in my.maiden name and started changing my many accounts as I know this will take time. Applied for universal credit today as apparently if you consider yourself split even if he still lives there, you can claim.

[WantToBeStrong]

@DishingOutDone I'm the same with regard to finances - I think I could just about manage living on my own on my current salary, but if we sold up and I had to buy another property, I couldn't afford two bedrooms in this area (one DC would have to live with me), and I need to live near work. I'm also late 50s. I am seeing a Financial Advisor soon to find out the reality of my pension situation. I don't want to change anything in the short term - need to get my ducks in a row (and H has been behaving at home which feels nice and normal, but confusing). I am also looking into the possibility of holidaying alone which feels quite daunting.

[Dimebag10M]

This is me... I've only realised how bad things are after I booked a holiday to Florida for just me and my 2 DC, while DH stays at home. The comments I got from other people saying how abnormal this was has opened my eyes to actually how dysfunctional we are and how emotionally run down I am with DH and his mental health problems. Its become worse lately when my youngest DC told me he hates his dad... I am fucked up in the head

[TheEndofIt]

@DishingOutDone - I'm a decade younger than you with 2 primary-aged children.

The economics of it all scares me shitless. I don't want to be living in poverty.

Just been on a night out with local school mum friends & realising I won't be able to do this when we separate. I will have to move area, possibly city.

It's just totally shit. Need to buy a lottery ticket.

[DishingOutDone]

evening all, how's it going?

I've been thinking a lot this week about living alone. I am late 50s hardly any family. My DDs know my plan to split up, DD who is unwell doesn't know any detail she's still at school in any case. But she said she thinks of my future and how I will be having lots of lovely holidays and coffee mornings and seeing lots of friends. She says I will be a "strong independent woman". But she doesn't realise how little money I will have, and that I may have to move a very long way to afford more than a 1 bed flat. In fact my older DD probably doesn't either or she'd be really upset. I stand to have to leave the few family members I have and start again.

They talk a lot about me being independent; I think I owe it to them to show them I can be, but it would be very easy to just put up with his shit, avoid him as I do now, we're sat in separate rooms at the moment, but at least know that our pooled money is enough to live comfortably on, and that if I become ill I won't be alone, and if he becomes ill he wont be sniffing round the children to look after him.

Its a mess. I should have done this 15 years ago. There must loads o women in my position, later life divorcees who slip into poverty once they split up - where are they though? I even crept over to Gransnet and I didn't see any there....!

[Amicrazyornot]

Hope you are all OK

I am slowly making baby steps - speaking to benefits / housing etc
Trying to figure a way out as he won't leave.

He still is very much in denial and wants me to go to counseling with him so he can "come to terms" with the end of the relationship.
Another good comment was "how can you say that you want the best for the DC when this isn't it"
No - it's what isn't right for HIM. I truly believe the DC will be fine, because I will do everything in my power to ensure that they are.
I have found it interesting as I have my boundaries clearly defined and he cannot cope with it.

Apologies for the rant

Xx

[Picoloangel]

Hello all
We have been to counselling today. As usual I was sitting there admitting and acknowledging all of my faults whilst DP sat there apparently perfect. She’s suggested we think carefully over the next few weeks what we want. I feel angry with him again because it’s just so bloody frustrating? He has answer for everything and makes me question myself.

I guess what want is never to have found myself in this position and to have any kind of hope that it could be better. I don’t think I believe it can. I am going to see a financial advsior too so that I am clear about my position and what I’m likely to be able to get in terms of a mortgage.

Having had a bizarre couple of weeks of pretending I hadn’t said that I want out it’s back down to earth for me today. I can’t even be bothered to pretend tomorrow. I know DD will wonder where the cards are but I just can’t do it.

I am thinking about you all and hoping that life changes for all of us in a positive way. 💐

[narcissistseverywhere]

Relate to so many of you. DH is the classic, passive, nice guy and I am screaming with frustration. I make all the decisions, have to micromanage everything he does. He's currently upstairs snoring, after I asked him to check the teens were asleep, no doubt he hasn't bothered, and they are probably still on their phones. When they leave home I am absolutely dreading being alone with him. I look after his finances too as he just spends his wages (no doubt there will be no Valentine's card as he's probably run out of money) he cannot budget.

[TheEndofIt]

Hoping everyone is holding together ok?

Not looking forward to another fake Valentines Day, where I have to pick my cards carefully to avoid the ones which say "I love you" on them.

Getting cross with myself for my inaction; I need to move forward. I'm being honest with myself that it's not salvageable but can't seem to torn this into direct conversation or action. Just feel I'm wasting my life away....

[WantToBeStrong]

@Dishing - welcome to the thread we'd all rather not have to be on. Your situation sounds difficult with your DD being unwell.

I agree it is such a sad situation to be in. I also have friends of similar age with futures that look secure (although you can't always know that that's the case). And yes, everything is up in the air - I feel as though I can't make any plans other than for the very short term.

[DishingOutDone]

Evening all, can I join in? I was all set to make 2019 The Year I got him out after 30 years. I went to see a solicitor, calculated how I'd cope alone, was looking at an occupation order so not likely to be pleasant. My DD15 already had mental health problems (exacerbated by his behaviour) but then she got worse, much worse - and it became clear no one was going anywhere. Since then she's decided he's a good guy. Whilst she is so fragile I've had to put everything on hold and concentrate on her recovery so we can't have any upheaval. H has reigned his behaviour in a bit as he is worried about how it might look, and I don't bother with him much as I have so much to do sorting out her care.

I can't plan much now but due to our ages it would be much better if we split within the next 3 years so just waiting to see how it plays out and if DD recovers. If not, will think again. I'd come out with so little equity I'd need to move somewhere cheaper so I need to look at Midlands/North, depends on where older DD goes to uni and where she might decide to work after that. Huge changes afoot for us all.

As its become more of a reality, I've been thinking how sad it is; I'm late 50s most of my friends are happily married, mortgage paid off and they are looking forward to a long well funded retirement with a supportive partner. I daren't even imagine that; I think its very sad that H wanted to vent his nasty temper more than he valued what he had and now we will both be alone.

But do you all feel like your life is in constant flux? That as you know you will have to leave or split up eventually, everything is up in the air?

[WantToBeStrong]

@Picolo and @Amicrazy (and others) - it sounds as though most of us are marking time until something happens either to make it possible to split, or until we are forced to do so whether we are ready or not.

It is really hard spending time together and having this 'phoney life' - I sense many of us are doing that too. H has gone to work today (I think genuinely but who knows?)

I'm also taking baby steps (I have been doing this for some years, then things seemed to be better for a while). Increasing my working hours and therefore my salary was one step. I've now arranged to see a financial advisor to talk about my pension etc. I will probably have to have a separate appointment to find out about implications if we split. Baby steps. And keep playing the lottery!

[Amicrazyornot]

@picolo I could have written your last paragraph! We are still no further along here. I am loathe to bring it up again and be subjected to hours of talking about it (we have already done this several times).
He is happy to co-habit and "pretend" happy families until the children are older (10+ years)

I have been taking baby steps - applying for housing / ebaying things / applying for jobs / making longer term plans.
The hardest thing I find is going out at the weekend together & him acting like everythings fine. I just can't do that anymore so am making excuses and staying at home. The kids are not too pleased all the time about it, but I suppose at least they are getting used to spending 1 on 1 time with him without me there (a very rare occurrence for last 7 years!)
Always here if you need a chat

[Picoloangel]

Sorry for the late reply @Wanttobe What a horrible betrayal by SIL on top of everything else. I wonder whether on some level SIL wants you to know. It’s v bizarre that she would put a post on FB knowing that you would see it.
I can see exactly why acknowledging it would mean taking some sort of action. I also understand the anxiety and sense of injustice about losing your home. On the other hand you deserve to be happy and whilst losing your home would be awful, a gilded cage is still a cage and all that.
Your DH is behaving terribly, not only the suspected infidelity but his callous disregard of your feelings and trying to pretend that you’re the one that misunderstood his arrangements.
I have no answers for you only a sense that you’re a capable and clever woman who deserves infinitely better.
My situation is bizarre. Having the THe Big conversation we haven’t discussed it since so I have no sense of where his head is at but I think the seriousness of our situations is beginning to dawn.

[WantToBeStrong]

@Picoloangel Thank you for asking. I am feeling alternately angry, sad, lonely, upset... H was actually out all weekend, which I was not expecting. I told H this and he said he had told me he would be out, which he hadn't. He shrugged and the conversation ended there. SIL posted on Facebook Sunday evening that she was at a (different) restaurant (one with a Travelodge/ Premier Inn attached) with BIL, OW and H. I have not commented on this to H, nor have I reacted on Facebook. I feel as though if I acknowledge this I will have to do something about it. I suspect that this is where H and OW spent the night(s) and if OW, SIL and BIL met up on Friday night and Sunday night SIL and BIL must have had a good idea as to where OW spent the night(s). We have always got on well enough and I don't know how I can look either of them in the eye again.

Yesterday evening was almost normal in terms of conversation (as I thought it might be).

I think my overall feeling now is "Why should I lose my home because he is behaving badly?". So I am ignoring the bad behaviour, pretending I don't know, whatever. If I let him know that I know what he is up to, I feel I will need to do something about it, which I am not ready for.

Bizarrely (and this seems to be a common reaction when women discover affairs), at times I am more angry with OW than with H. I also want to tell her H (I don't know him, or their address, so can't tell him, and probably wouldn't).

So I'm trying to carry on as 'normal' and not think about it all too much. I usually throw myself into work when times get tough, but work is stressful at the moment too.

[PinaColada1]

I’m just sending to you all. It must be so rubbish.

[Picoloangel]

How are you feeling @wanttobe

[WantToBeStrong]

@Hello50 Tell us about your situation.

[WantToBeStrong]

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I am 99% certain he is meeting OW tomorrow, not going to a stag do. Tonight, well, he could be drinking with colleagues (he has done this very occasionally), but unusually he has the car - his normal habit if drinking after work would be to use public transport. And SIL has posted on Facebook that she is in a restaurant local to her (about 20 mins from us) with BIL and OW. OW lives an hour's drive away and she and SIL do meet from time to time - I would not be suspicious of this were it not for what H has told me about where he might be this weekend. SIL makes a big deal about not lying - of course H could be with them also and 'running OW home'.

Reading that back it looks as though I am over-thinking, but I really don't think I am.

I also feel that once H has got past this weekend and his little adventure, things will return to relative normality - if they do, I can also cope with relative normality for a little longer while I consider what to do.

I am sorry to have highjacked the thread.

I hope everyone else is ok.