Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

This was me two years ago. Married 16 years, two teenagers. Should've split after 2 years I reckon. It wasn't that bad but it wasn't that good either. As time went on I reached a point where I just knew it was time. The dc were doing their own thing more, I could feel the resentment building so I told him. He completely agreed and we separated a month later.

Two years on and it's the best thing we could've done. Kids doing good, he remarried and I've met a marvellous man I love to death.

Hugs to you - I was at your point last year, but this year it became clear - I can't live with someone who clearly doesn't like me. Although its still scary as we are still living together, I feel better as each day I'm closer to living a better life. xx

If me and DH were on the same page about it, it would be so much easier. But he wants to stay together and will do whatever it takes and despite me saying I don't want to do any of that and it's not what I want, he refuses to hear what I'm telling him without bluntly spelling it out, and will sit and wait for me to make the decision. I actually find that even more annoying. He knows I'm not happy (when I told him he said he already knew and I was so pissed off that he never said anything or tried to do anything about it). Just for once I'd like him to be proactive. We have even discussed how we could live together as parents but have separate lives (which is basically how we do live) and he still wants me to be the one who says 'I'm done'.

Well, another one here. 8 years of marriage, 2 years of depression. Now just walking around daydreaming about different life and don't know how to stop.

Same here : try to talk -> things getting better a bit -> then gradually getting back to how it was.

I was a blind fool, we've been different since the very beginning. I'm quite close to the ground, scientific type. When I was at the uni, he said he didn't like my field. He said let's do business together, help me with my startup. Well, I was helping as I could. Ended up completely depressed and isolated in a foreign country ( online based business). Had son, he improved things slightly a bit. But then it all went wrong somewhere. We discussed everything and now, after 8 years he admitted I'm not happy and agreed for my master's, and then PhD, so I can get back to science. But as I'm preparing now to it, we drift away from each other.. I seriously afraid he will meet someone eventually somewhere.. can't say I wasted my 20's, but yes, I've given them to him.. and I have nowhere to go too. I don't know what to say..

Oh it’s pretty hideous isn’t it?

I also had doubts from the start and so blame myself.

He’s not a bad man, and infact is a great Dad. I think part of my reluctance to end things is due to my own parents splitting and the impact that had on me.

Can I ask - does anyone swing from feeling like they just end it NOW, to actually then feeling more optimistic about it and “we just need to make mor effort and it will be fine?

I sometimes feel like until I feel consistently crap about it then the time hasn’t come.

Though like you Fawnsett I think it’s quite possibly a big factor in previous (current?) depression.

WhyAmISoCold I have slightly been in your husband’s shoes in the past... so can give you that view if you like? However, that is not good that he knew you were unhappy and had not said or done anything. Is he proactive in areas other than your relationship?

canary does you DP/DH know you want and are going to end the relationship?

To be honest I'm scared a lot to be lonely. Yes, he is fantastic dad actually.. that holds a lot.

Sometimes I have a hope. Sometimes not, completely. No one understands me, my friends adore him, and say it will be mistake from my side, "you should try harder (both), bring back romance" etc (like it's that easy)..

I'm scared to ruin what we have, yes. And then there are periods when I think I just want to run away. And also feel awful, because generally speaking I have known nothing but good from him.

relationshipwoes yes I would be interested in hearing it from your perspective please.

I swing all the time. From thinking it's not that bad and I can put up with it for the sake of the kids from being desperate to end it and want to find out he's having an affair or something so we have that excuse (he never would). We have no physical relationship at all and haven't done for years. I really want sex, just not with him. He thinks it's my libido that's the issue but it isn't.

He isn't proactive anywhere else either. Either I sort it out or it doesn't happen. People joke about me being a control freak but if I wasn't we would do nothing, go no where, nothing would ever ever happen. Every decision is down to me. It's like I'm 100% responsible for everything.

Another one in your shoes. We’ve been married 10 years, he’s had one affair (that I know of) when our DC was only a baby. I didn’t want her growing up without a father so stuck it out. He struggles with alcohol abuse and depression but we’re going through a ‘good’ patch at the moment. I doubt it will last.

I always have a reason why it’s not a good time to leave him so I’ve set myself a target of £10k savings and then I’ve told myself to walk away.

It’s a rubbish situation

Joining!

Together for 13 years
Married for 8 years

Two children aged 6 and 3
Husband full time employment and earns an excellent wage
I am part time and earn about three times less than husband.

He has two hobbies. I have none.
He tends to his hobbies and outdoor tasks in relative peace whilst I juggle housework and kids
He exercises and has successfully lost weight when I am doing bedtime routines
On my days of work I am out the house for 11 hours and husband then puts his feet up, tends to his hobbies or goes and exercises. I have to tidy up, clear tea dishes, empty the dishwasher, sort kids, do their homework (I have stopped in protest that’s it’s always ME), bath and bedtime routines, stories etc.

He spends a lot of money on his hobbies and he moans when I buy a dress (or glasses since I need them! ) Tells me all the time to have a word with work for them to pay for them

Generally negative towards me.

I am depressed. I know I am but am burying my head.

He has negative opinions about mental health. He will look down his nose.

I am struggling to find the positives.

But yes, I swing and roundabouts from needing to end it to I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Most nights we sit and don’t talk. He’s sat on the other sofa whilst I type this. He hasn’t a bloody clue!

Thank you for this topic. It's so good to know you are not alone. Hugs 🌸🌸🌸

Wow, so many people in the same predicament. I was there too a few months ago. I don't know what finally did it. We had a chat about our relationship and I just kind of realised there was no solution to it (I'd lost my trust in him after years of cheating and realised nothing was going to get it back). It wasn't like a eureka moment, just a slow dawning. Then when I realised, I saw that I'd been planning my escape for years, and whilst I'd been telling myself we could make it work I'd known deep down for ages that it wouldn't. He'd been emotionally blackmailing me to stay too and I just finally broke free of that. It's hard because we own a house together and our kids are still young but I cannot tell you how much better I feel for having made the decision. Like I can finally move forward with my life and see myself being happy again rather than resigned to a lifetime of never being quite happy. There are ups and downs but I know 100% that I've made the right decision and there's no way in hell I'd get back with him now. It kind of helps that since we've split he's dropped the nice guy persona and is showing himself up for the selfish abusive prick that he is. Good luck to all of you. Getting past the thought of leaving is such a big hurdle but once you've done that it gets so much easier. It's hard in a practical sense but so much easier emotionally. You just realise that you are worth more and that life can be so much better. And you'll feel strong and be proud of yourself for it.

Checking in too.

I am emotionally done with the marriage, but despite recently having 2 very major periods of soul-searching I decide to stay because;
he is a great dad,
it would be very very difficult (almost impossible actually) for us to split from a (lack of) finances POV,
and ultimately I am not a single entity now, there are 5 of us and as a family unit it is much much better all round for us to stay together, there's just nothing in it for 'me' emotionally and more (due to a lot of history but none of it is his 'wrongdoing')

I also see so many friends who've split, and from my viewpoint, and with my priorities, the grass doesn't look that greener in their new field. Sure they tell me it is in 1 breath, but in the next they tell me they are dealing with the same level of shit but its just different now. Out of the frying pan into the fire it seems.

Also DH wants us to stay together, and the kids are happy. Our marriage isn't dysfunctional or toxic or unhealthy.

So at the moment I am staying- he's making more effort and I've readjusted my expectations of him, its not him that's changed in 20 years, its me, I'm a different person now.

But its not an easy situation by far, but currently given the 2 options I believe its the best one.

It's sadly rare to see marriages last a long time these days.
Life is hard and it's fast. Working hard and paying massive childcare bills, utilities and now even food bills. Leisure and family happy sharing times are out of the window for most.
It must take some expert working.
I admire those that gave enough forethought to begin with.
Almost a legal agreement before you even start. Which is so dam unromantic you don't go there
You need to know exactly what you're getting. Believe me.
As for those marriages that do last happily, I doff my cap. Respect

Joining in too.

15 year relationship with 3 DC. Together since 17. Rocky is an understatement, lots of horrible past events that I think have damaged us too much (he doesn't seem to give a second thought- mainly because I was on the receiving end) and although he has changed to some extent, the resentment (on my part mainly) is huge. We have recently tried marriage counselling which has been painful, I have had my feelings validated in some way, whilst he accused the counsellor of destroying our marriage
I try to convince myself I am in love with him but it is driving me crazy, the anxiety I have when he is here makes me look neurotic. He is quite a controlling character without meaning to be I think. I am financially dependent on him (& he is terrible with money/dishonest) after quitting my job on his say-so (he was launching a business at the time and needed me at home he said.) I have used alcohol to black out (in a binge drinking sense) over the years and I feel like a grey shell. He is pulling out all the stops at the moment which just makes me feel worse. DC on the whole seem pretty happy, we don't argue anymore, I gave up pouring my heart out years ago so live in a world of "what's for dinner" or "what's on TV". Which suits him fine. Writing all this down has been very cathartic actually. Off to ponder life. Thanks for reading

It's hard as I feel responsible for him. Which is ridiculous. But I think it's because I've spent our whole lives in charge and took responsibility for almost every little thing. I'm realising how unattractive not being proactive is. I'm still waiting for him to paint the coving in the kitchen from when it was done over 3 years ago. I've mentioned it several times. Even my builders have noticed and commented. I was embarrassed.

Are you codependent in relationships WhyAmISoCold?. That comment you wrote about being responsible for him smacks of codependency. I would read up on this and see how much of that reflects with your own experiences and behaviours.

And no, you are not responsible for him. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children, for them to see that a loveless marriage is their "norm" too. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your H gets what he wants out of this (I.e. you making all the decisions here mainly and simply because he sees that as your job and beneath him) but you, what are you getting out of this?.

Im about to consult male couples counselor. We got nowhere with the last one five years back. My husband is so afraid of his own mother it makes him physically unattractive

Just wanted to add my story. Together 25 years, no celebration for our silver anniversary this year. My 60th birthday also this year ended with me in tears because of his controlling and demanding ways.
Ten years ago he left me to live with OW in a house he'd been secretly doing up behind my back. It was a shock but I was actually happier, lost weight, off anti-depressants, felt and looked great. He was always asking to come back but I said no ... after a while he stopped asking to come back and (pathetically) I panicked. A year after he left I said he could come back, which he did, even though we both knew it wasn't right.
We're still here and things are no better. We're still together for a number of practical reasons (dogs, house, elderly parents, financial) but we haven't had sex in eight years and I don't think we ever will again.

Wow Op you could be me! Feel very similar we've been together 9 years and have 3 children. We got married 4 years ago and to be completely honest we should never have got married.
We don't have sex we get on but to be honest spend most evenings sat next to each other on our phones. He is a great dad and really loving and does stuff for them but everything we do is down to me. All of Christmas is organised by me. Everything. Everything to do with the house or kids is down to me. I have push for things or they just don't happen. Soul destroying but I just don't know which way to go. I know I'm not being a nice person to him but it's so frustrating.
I think we should split up but I just am so scared on the impact on the kids. My parents spilt up when I was 16 and if I'm completely honest I still blame my mum! Urgh horrible situation xx

WhyAmISoCold in terms of giving a possible small insight into your husband wanting you to be the one to say “I”m done” - I have felt like this. Mainly because I feel more “wronged” in the relationship and feel why should I look like the bad guy to end it - in reality I would hope my DH would be a grown up, but the last thing I want(ed) is for him to be able to say “it was her decision”, “she threw me out” etc.

Also, any “damage” that could ensue re the DC would then be my fault. I know that is rather irrational. And maybe even a bit messed up? But like I say, overall he is not a BAD person and actually is a fantastic father really. So I can help thinking I would feel guilty if I made th had choice to end things.

But if the DH is not proactive in other areas then that is pretty damning. I do see a bit of that in mine and it is enough to drive you to thinking very lowly of them, not to mention at the same time likely increasing your general stress levels because you are the one DOING EVERYTHING!

"loving and does stuff for them but everything we do is down to me. All of Christmas is organised by me. Everything. Everything to do with the house or kids is down to me. I have push for things or they just don't happen. Soul destroying but I just don't know which way to go. I know I'm not being a nice person to him but it's so frustrating."

Word for word I could have written this!!! If I didn't do stuff the house would look exactly as it did when we bought it, it would usually stay a bit of a mess, cleaning would be sporadic, holidays wouldn't happen, days out have stopped because I haven't been arranging them, all Xmas and birthdays are arranged by me, I just get him to hand over half the money (we have separate finances), I had to buy him a car because he doesn't save anything and I've said he needs to pay it back this time and if I didn't remind him every month I wouldn't get it. I've bought tickets for the 4 of us to a show, I've mentioned it's on my credit card and I don't know who's paying, unless I say 'you need to give me x amount of money towards it' he won't offer. I HAVE to be the one to suggest, think, say and organise everything other than him going to work. DCs wouldn't even have regular shower nights unless I made it. DDs hair never got brushed unless I pointed out it needed doing (he asked why ffs), he won't get DCs to get dressed or do teeth at weekends unless we are going out and even then I need to say the night before that he needs to tell them to get dressed (they all get up earlier than me).

It's soul destroying and I have a reputation for being a control freak. I ask his opinion and don't get one so I don't bother. Or he'll just say we can't afford it even though we easily can.

AttilaTheMeerkat I read up on codependant relationships but it doesn't sound right. He isn't abusive in any way, far too passive for that. I walk all over him. However my reaction sound very much like it which is odd.

What do I get out of it? Security. He is the breadwinner. I can only work part time as I have health issues. I could afford the mortgage payments with my wage, benefits and maintenance as our mortgage is low due to an inheritance I received, but I wouldn't want to lose my house. When we originally discussed potentially splitting he said he would move out but I wouldn't need this to happen straight away. He also will do a lot of the running around, shopping, taking DCs to clubs and he has to do most of the housework now I'm working as I need to rest when I'm not working. Housework isn't consistent though and not done all the time. The kids also get a 2 parent household although when I'm unhappy I can be snappy, DH is also snappy quite a bit, especially at the DCs as I try not to take it out on them.

Question to everyone who has replied on this thread. How do you keep smiling for the kids? That’s my biggest challenge. Take last night - long day at work, on the back of silent arguing since Sunday (as in neither of us saying anything but both of us being pissed off with the other), constantly squabbling DC......and I just run out of patience and loose it with DC. They were being v annoying, but on a better day I would deal with it differently (not shout). I think I’ve got better at not crying in front of them......but every human being has a limit to their patience. How do others manage?