Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

[Giraffey1]

Job not Jon!

[Giraffey1]

Never said at any point that he loved me.
Sorry for so many typos x

[relationshipwoes]

Thanks all, I am reading and taking it in.

I feel like it’s got to the point where the anxiety of staying together (having him around) is greater than the anxiety about splitting up. I’m sad it looks like it’s come to this. Trying to live in the moment and not think too far ahead for now.

Giraffey at least you have made the decision in your mind and there isn’t the added complication of children. I understand it still must be utterly agonising though - both the status quo and the though of parting. Do you have any firm plans to move things forward?

[relationshipwoes]

@WhyAmISoCold how old are your DC? Am just curious generally, but also, about your comment about spending time at your friends. I’m sorry you situations has become unworkable, but kind of pleases for you that you have made a decision. You’re obviously relieved, which has to be a good sign.

[Misty9]

I'm in a similar situation and it's interesting (and sad) to hear there are so many of us like this. Together 10yrs, married 8 and 2 dc under 7. I've been feeling ambivalent and going round the cycle for years now but can never figure out if it's me (as in my own unhappiness) or us which is the main issue. Probably can't separate the two. We almost split up last year, and I felt incredibly sad where I thought I'd feel relief. But neither of us were feeling terrible enough to need to escape that minute, so we agreed to counselling together and here we still are. Sex very rare, amazing dad, yadda yadda yadda. Why are they often amazing dad's?!

My situation is complicated by our very challenging eldest dc (being assessed for ASD and dh recently diagnosed) whom i couldn't parent alone as we just clash too much. I'm seriously considering being the one to leave- with contact of course - as I feel currently my moods and poor mental health are negatively impacting on the dc. Then I contemplate the enormity of it all and can't face it. But I can't keep going round in circles.

[Kittysaurus]

Hi, I was pointed to this thread after posting on another so I’ll jump in too if that’s ok!

Have been with DH 9 years, married for 6, one DS almost 3. Discovered last Jan he’d been having an affair which was utterly devastating. He’d ended it before telling me and said he still wanted to be with me so we started couples’ counselling hoping to save our relationship.

We’ve had 8 months of counselling now, using up most of our savings, and I’m so frustrated because nothing has changed. He just can’t communicate and is so selfishly wrapped up on his own guilt. I’m so miserable in this relationship and still so hurt and angry over the affair and how he’s treated me. But I’m too scared to leave! He’s a very hands on dad and does loads around the house, whereas my mental health has suffered badly and I’m barely coping. Together we’re financially stable, but he earns three times more than me and I don’t know how I’ll survive on my own. In November I lost my PIP award which was a quarter of my income, so I’m even more fucked now.

My parents had a terrible marriage and split when I was a teenager. I was so adamant I would raise my children in a happy, stable family, and he’s pissed all over that now. I’m finding it so hard to come to terms with the loss of the future I’d imagined, and I’m really stuck. I keep clinging on to any little bit of hope but feel like a mug knowing he doesn’t love me (I don’t think he’s able to admit this to himself yet).

Anyway, so I’m stuck and paralysed. I want to leave but I’m too scared, and it’s all just really really shit.

[relationshipwoes]

Ditto Misty9 that I can’t separate my own happiness with my happiness with the relationship. When I’m in a good place in myself, the relationship seems good and when I’m not good the relationship seems awful.

As I write that, it’s a bit of a red flag, as the relationship should be of support when I am not feeling good?

I can’t quite believe the extent to which I can convince myself we should split, only to convince myself I do quite like him and we just need to reconnect. In the space of a few hours sometimes

[relationshipwoes]

Kittysaurus your story is very similar to mine. I honestly don’t know what to say, but you’re not alone.

[Pieandmashplease]

Hello lovlies - I've find my tribe it seems. I've been with DH for 24 years with two older teens at home and it's been a rollercoaster for such a long time. Alcohol abuse and occasional coke use turn him into a complete twat - although to everyone on the outside he is a good looking, absolutely charming bloke with a good job. I do everything in the house - finances, holidays, admin, cook, clean etc. etc. (I work part time) because he WORKS HARD. As he's got older I've noticed the gas lighting, the awful verbal abuse when he's pissed not to mention the fact (sounds mad) that he's become really right wing. I'm called the 'left wing intelligentsia' because I'm well read and have an interest in politics.

Why do I stay? Co-dependant but working on that and really have detached now but it's financial only. Over the years we've had to deal with two parents with dementia, other parental deaths and the fall out from that along with an ectopic pregnancy and two awful miscarriages along the way. We've had counselling twice and both times he felt 'picked on'.

Where I'm at now ... Seeing a solicitor on Friday and looking forward to starting a new full time job in the summer which will provide me with financial security to a point and also will involve some travel.

Since his last drunken outburst just before Christmas where I was every type of cnut imaginable, I was 'disgusting', he hated me and wouldn't sleep on the sofa I decided enough was enough. He was, of course, remorseful as per usual but I can't help but think he meant it. Sad times (and apologies if it's a bit of a ramble) x

[user1479305498]

piesandpeas, --- you know I think some of these men are unhappy in themselves for all kinds of reasons, getting older, career issues, looks issues, parental stuff, responsibilities etc, etc and rather than just admit that in a calm rational way and discuss, they feel they have to 'vent' on usually their nearest and dearest, whereas many women have similar issues, but internalise it or find other outlets/friends to vent to. (like Mumsnet!!) Their is no wonder so many of us suddenly feel the need to detach or divorce or we would have nervous breakdowns!

[Pieandmashplease]

Hello @user! He started taking antidepressants a few months back but I think his issues are rooted in his childhood (cliche I know) - he was a mollycoddled only child and I think he always felt slightly resentful of his very strict parents. My counsellor earmarked him as a narcissist and I do see the traits are there. I've seem to have evolved and grown up, him not so much :(

[buckingfrolicks]

Something that helped me get to the point of going - I'd thought it some months prior to my walk out and I think it simmered away in my subconscious- is that one day very very likely, you'll be alone anyway, given the chances are he'll die before you. So imagine being 60 or 80 and suddenly alone. It's far better to go now while you can still evolve into a happy single woman.

[PlantagenetQueen]

Me too. New to Mumsnet, joined to get some advice about when best to break the news to the kids that we had decided to separate. I got one reply which basically said “tell them, it’s cruel not to” as we were putting it off until the holiday period was over. In the end we told them (both teenagers) the day before New Year’s eve. DD was fine, almost pleased for us, DS shed a few tears. Both now seem OK about it. DH and I have opted for a “no blame” divorce which means we have to be separated for two years before divorce proceedings. We are back-dating this a year or so to when I found out about his emotional affair and opened a big can of worms. I had been suppressing my doubts and fears about the relationship for a long time, he had gradually withdrawn from me emotionally, I totally went off sex, this got him down, he is now depressed and though he admits he doesn’t find me in any way attractive, claims he still loves me and is reluctant to split. I can’t wait until we’re leading completely separate lives. We have been married for 20 years (he refused to acknowledge our wedding anniversary which was before we split and which was one of the many nails in the coffin).

[Misty9]

Oh amicrazy that sounds awful is there any way you could leave with the kids? How has he been behaving since hat conversation? He surely can't expect things to just carry on as normal?! He can't stop you talking to others - do you have a close relative or friend you could speak to? Or women's aid..? What has the relate counsellor said?! Who's looking after you?

[Halfahunnerstillastunner]

amicrazy this stood out to me in your post:
saying I will destroy everything he is.
It's ALL about HIM. Absolutely nothing about how he loves YOU, what is the best thing, what you want or feel. It's utter narcissism defined in one sentence. It screams selfishness and self absorbed to the point he literally can't see beyond his own needs or wants.
Be very careful. Make sure your counsellor gets your side of the story too. Seek support from outsiders. These type of men turn so so nasty when they lose the control they've had over someone.

[blinkerss]

Joinjg this thread with interest. I keep thinking about leaving. Married, 3 DC's (only 1 to DH anf he is only a few months old).

For me I'm not scared. I can be a single mother of 3. That's fine.

It's a case of is the grass always greener? I'm not particularly happy with him but I'd be incredibly lonely without him.

And the thought of him being with someone else kills me!

And the tbh.....i am still massively attracted to him.

It's just life with him is so hard, he's a recovering gambling addict for one. Sometimes he's controlling. He has 3 kids to 3 different mother's (me included). I get on very well with his eldest but I really do struggle with his 2nd child.....yeah he's quite a catch

[Pieandmashplease]

I think it's so sad that we all seem so reluctant to change despite being unhappy - for me my rather chaotic background (nothing too awful but constantly on the move as a kid, parents abandoning my sibling & I to avoid a massive debt and leaving a country) meant stability (to a point is/was everything) That said, I've been looking for a document and found screenshots of emails I discovered where he was looking for hookups early last on Craigslist - cannot believe I've forgotten about them (shows how normalised/desensitised I've become - shame on me) He said he didn't follow through on any of them and finances bear that out - we don't have sex anymore as I find the thought just makes me want to shudder.

Life is too short to put up with shit and no-one can make you stay.

[LouMumsnet]

We're deleting this thread as the OP has concerns that her privacy has been compromised.

[LouMumsnet]

Apologies...please do ignore my last message, which I posted in error. I won't be deleting the entire thread at all, don't worry.

It's been a long evening....

[Misty9]

Hope you're okay amicrazy