Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

Yes am ok misty just such a tough situation at moment. Thank you for asking x

I’m the same . Relationship breakdown . We haven’t slept together in two years. It still share the same bet. She’s run up loads of debt but won’t talk about it or address it. We own our own house. We have two DDs aged 10. They are why I’m still here. I’d have left before now if it wasn’t for them. I just feel so guilty because of them and leaving them. But I know I need to leave . Guess I’m just a bloke without much courage. It’s got that bad that it’s destroyed my mental health over the last 12 months. I’m now being treated for anxiety and depression. I know I need to leave and end my marriage but I’m not sure I’m currently strong enough to cope with the stress that’s going to come with it .

Sorry if this had already been said but.....

For example with me, 75% of the time I know my marriage isn't right and I'm unhappy. All I think about is leaving. It's like I'm waiting for him to f**k up so I've got an excuse to leave.

But then the other 25% will come up and I'll feel happy with him. My mind is clear and I'll happily plod along for a week or so...

Until something happens and then the 75% of crap comes back. We don't argue really. Nothing really bad needs to happen.

Like I've sort of been ok, sort of. But I'm full of cold at the moment and I feel crap. We have a 4 month old baby and very slowly my dh has stopped helping me with him. We used to take it in turns to bath him and dress him. Dh would always give him his bottle on a night (I'm breast feeding but he has 1 bottle of formula every night before bed) as that was his thing to do for the baby. For the last week or so I've done it all. All of it. He's just sat on his arse and watched footy. But last night i felt so so poorly and I still did it all. And ever since all I've thought about is how he just doesn't make me happy and what my life would be like to without him.

In some ways my life would be worse. I'd be so lonely. And I can't stand the thought of him being with anyone else. It's such a head messing situation tbh. I don't know what I want

Update:

Hello all. I commented earlier in the post back in December. I've told him it's over, I told him my mind has been made up for a few months as it's been really bad for years and the arguments in front of our 3 kids isn't right. He's in denial at the moment, told him about a week ago although I've been threatening to end it for about 2.5 years. He's acting like it's a shock and would of never expected it. He says to me 'you're not going anywhere I'll never let you leave' etc I'm just standing firm and saying everyday that it's over and we need to make arrangements to see a mediator to sort things out (kids and money as well as my mums money which is tied up in the house as she lives in an annexe that has been built on the property) he's so so angry, can not control it and screams at me every day that I've ruined his life and I'm going to make my kids suffer for my own selfishness, yesterday he threw a bottle at me which hit the wall behind where I was stood. This just reiterates that I've made the right decision, I cannot live like this anymore regardless of trying to make everybody else happy. I will stay strong and give him a bit more time to come to terms with it before booking us an appointment. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that he can get over the anger so we can do the right thing for our babies. He's such a good dad and I just want to be able to co-parent nicely eventually, all the best to everybody who is going through similar, this is definitely the hardest time in my life, let's stick together xxx

Oh @confused, that sounds very tough. I think I'd be tempted to try and move things more quickly if he's started getting aggressive? Is there a risk it will spiral further? Could you stay in the annexe with your mum or would that make it worse?

Well done you on finding the strength. I applaud you and

OP my DCs are 8 and 11. Telling them will be the worst thing.

I talked to STBEXH 2 days ago to ask what his plan is. He said he hasn't thought about it (here we go, let's just plod along as usual). Until I told him this can't drag on indefinitely. He thinks 6 months before he moves out! I'm going to struggle in that time. He isn't going to do the bits that need doing to the house yet I'm still washing his clothes and cooking him food for 6 months!

I've got a solicitors appointment next week.

@whyamisocold stop cooking for him and doing his washing. Make sure you sleep in different rooms. Mark down separating date on calendar so it does not hold up your divorce.
💐 to all of you

What a shit! You are clearly not even overweight and very far from an alcoholic!!

Hi everyone

I just want to let you all know that it is so much better once you leave. I decided 8 years ago to leave, I decided I would do it once youngest child was 14. He was depressive, abusive, useless with money and basically a complete loser. I hated him a little bit more everyday I stayed. Eventually it came to a head, after an absolutely blazing row I asked him to leave 4 months ago and I’ve never been happier. I can’t believe I wasted 8 years of my life staying put when I should have left.

I stayed because of the children, and what others would think. I now realise I should have left because of the children. Although they have had a happy childhood, they’ve grown up in a horrible atmosphere.

My advise to you all is to leave as soon as possible. I felt like a weight had been lifted as soon as it was all out in the open.

Hi @confusedat30 I just wanted to say well done for making the decision and sticking to it. That's honestly one of the biggest hurdles to get over. Just be careful please. My ex also went from being low level abusive to outright abusive once he realised I meant it was over. I was also accused of being selfish for 'putting myself above the kids'. Ignore it. He's just trying to get control of you again. Throwing a bottle at your head, however, is not on. That is domestic violence. Please be careful because it could escalate. I was tolerating living with my ex (because he refused to leave) until one day he sexually assaulted me. Then I asked him to leave. He went, but if he hadn't I would have used the police or social services or whatever I had to to get him out of the house. At the least I made sure they were all aware of what happened. You should not have to live with someone who is violently abusive towards you. Were your children in the house at the time? It is completely unacceptable. Please, please take care of yourself.

Just catching up as I've had flu - so sorry to hear some of the stories posted recently. I went to a solicitor on Friday and was told I could possibly use a Mesher order - I didn't know about this and wondered if anyone had used one with success. I don't see my DH agreeing to this - he's bitter and twisted enough that I don't bring a huge amount of money into the household as it is (and have recently been made redundant). So rubbish that money is basically making me hang on.

I lost it on Sunday morning and came very close to leaving . My one daughter hadn’t listen to what her mum had said to her and she did something silly , it’s really a small thing and of no big deal. My wife told her off. Fair enough. But she called her an idiot ! I hate children being called names by adults. It’s a real trigger for me. It makes me so angry when I her children being called names by their parents like calling hem stupid or somthing . Anyway I had a go at her and reminded her that name calling is not on and that she’s a 10 year old . 10 year olds don’t listen and they do silly things. That’s she’s an adult and she doesn’t listen to me . She acted as guarantor for a £7000. Loan to neighbors that’s now fallen to us to pay back. All behind my back. I knew nothing and we had been paying it for months. It’s an high interest loan with amigo loans. I told her back in October that she needed to go to the CAB and get advice about it . That she needed to sort it out and get money off the other people. We are broke . We can. It afford this loan. We have no money till the end of the month now. The council tax hasn’t been paid. And she still hasn’t done anything about the loan or getting some money off the other people.
I came so close to walking out . But yet I didn’t . Things haven’t been good for a few years and we haven’t slept together for two years now. I love my daughters and I feel so guilty to break their family apart . But I can’t carry on like this. I just don’t know what to do or how to do it. I could go and stay with my brother for a bit. He and his partner have a big house and no children . So they have space for me. My brother also knows about the loan.
We have been together for 18 years this year . Married 14 this year. We started going out with each other when In our early 20s so we were young and we’ve been together a long time. We have a mortgage . These other debts she has built up too. She wastes so much money . She normally spends £90 a month on average on iTunes . Some of it buying music . Most of it playing games . I’m really sick of it . But feel stuck and guilty for my girls.
I know I need to give my head a wobble ! I know I need to do something about it .

Well I've had my solicitors appointment. He agreed my offer of me keeping house and STBEXH keeping pension is a good one. H agreed. Now he's seen a solicitor who has said he isn't getting a good deal and he wants a second opinion. Which makes no sense because he claims he's still ok with that, so why ask a different solicitor.

We have also agreed unreasonable behaviour from him for grounds and sol said we can go ahead even though we're still living together. So I'm going to crack on soon.

Think we're going to tell DCs as it feels like we are lying to them and his way it will give them a lot of time to process it before he actually leaves. These 6 months are going to be looong.

Good gracious Homer, that's a ludicrously large loan to guarantor for what are neighbours. What possessed her! Was it to show off or something? I wouldn't be at all ok with that and I'm not tight with cash .

I've spoken with an accountant; the final part of the process in trying to work out the economics.

Was out with friends tonight; they are all happily married.

It's got me ruminating over my poor choices in men, I have caused myself such unhappiness (and of course financial disadvantage ) through this.

Feeling it acutely in middle age; this should be the time when life gets easier (having done the hard years with young DC); the thought of starting over again is horrendous but needs doing.

I could have chosen an easier path, had my boundaries & self-esteem been better. Urgh. I look at those around me who are in good relationships & realise happiness is a choice.

Yes. Living together. Separate beds. We’ve done ‘the talk’ to death. We know we are done.

DP just doesn’t want to leave the house. I’m not prepared to disrupt the kids lives until I can move city, which is 2 years away when there’s a break in education.

It’s so tough and sad. I holiday on my own with the kids. I spent my birthday with just the kids. No DP at Christmas. Yet we still live together.

Wish wish he’d move out.

user1479305498
I don’t know what she was thinking or
Why she did it. She refuses to talk about it. Every time I try she just sits there and stays nothing .
It’s a mess.
I’ve managed to destroy my own mental health over the 12 months. Trying to keep
Things together , I now I need
To end it or leave . But I feel so
Guilty because of my kids . That’s the only reason I’m still here. But I know I can’t carry on like this .

Wow! So many of these posts I could have written myself.
13 yr relationship with one DC aged 7. I knew from the get go if I am really honest that we aren’t well suited. He has MH issues but lacks insight and when he shouted at me 2 months ago it’s like something finally changed - after years of talking myself into staying. I am on the brink. His MH (depression) is now compromising mine.
I so want my DD to know that this isn’t what she should aim for.
I don’t know what I’m doing or even if I am doing anything but suddenly the sadness of ending doesn’t seem as bad as the sadness of staying.
We have a lovely home and a fabulous dog and it’s all breaking my heart but I can’t seem to make “the talk” work this time.

How is everyone doing?

I have been living half a life for what seems like years and talking myself around sometimes within hours as someone else said. I have always known that we had little in common but somehow our DD became our common interest.

In all but name we are separated - he’s gradually opted further and further out of family life. We have separate lives and opposite working patterns and do little if anything as a family. We tend to spend time on our own with DD.

There’s just a sense of constant irritation from him and it’s stressful and dispiriting to live like this. I’ve stayed because I thought it was best for DD - my own childhood experience of divorce was horrendous and it’s no exaggeration to say that it has adversely affected me for most of my adult life. I have been so afraid of repeating this pattern for DD.

Now I feel like our unhappiness is impacting on her and on my relationship with her. I do almost everything - shopping, finances, washing, cooking, homework as well as working v v long hours in a v high stress job. I get irritable and overwhelmed by doing so much and that’s not fair on her. We are v v close and I sense that she knows that her parents’ relationship is not possible.

DP has a well paid profession but barely works. I feel resentful that I wore so hard in a v tough and high pressure job. He shouted at me at the end of November and something just changed. I have always been blamed by him for giving him nothing but I know that I have tried my hardest but am in a relationship with someone who is chronically depressed but untreated. I don’t think he’s motivated to change.

I don’t hate him. I want him in DDs life and in my head we will have an amicable and good co-parenting relationship but I am worried that I am being very naive to think this is possible. I’m completely unable to move forward at this point and can’t see how I can get from here to where I need to be. 😞

Still slogging away. Heard back from the accountant this week & things are looking more promising.

His birthday is out the way now but he has a job interview this week so need to hold off a bit before "the big talk".

Just feeling really guilty, due to the impact this will have on him & DC.

If only he'd been honest with me about his depression before I moved in and not shagged his secretary whilst I was pregnant, this whole mess could have been avoided.

TheEnd I have been beating myself up Over poor choices too and how much easier life should be at my age BUT my choice did give me my DD and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m feeling guilty too but at the same time I have been clear with him for a long time that i couldn’t stay unless he gets help and he hasn’t. That’s a choice too.

I can’t face the big talk at the moment and we have a lot of family stress and an imminent birthday so maybe not the right time right now but am getting myself
some support and hoping to navigate my way slowly through this.

I wouldn’t be so sure about others’ happy marriages. Some people settle for v little in order not to face what you’re being brave enough to do. No one in our circle would have a clue about us. This thread shows that there are a hell of a lot of unhappy people playing happy families. I would hazard a guess at most people.

You’re being v v brave and living a happy life will be better for your DC. I have a number of friends whose unhappy parents stayed together and that impacts terribly too

Thanks for understanding @Picoloangel - your thoughts are very similar to mine!

I had some counselling on my own, which was a real eye-opener (realised I had co-dependant traits).

I think most people are happier than us; I see friends whose husbands pull their weight, contribute & are emotionally engaged. I've heard comments from those in good relationships about how lucky they are to have their partner, how they wouldn't change their lives etc. And I just think the opposite!

I'm pretty sure people have guessed; the lack of interaction & affection, no socialising together etc.

And yes, facing this in middle age isn't fun. At a time when I should feel secure, with the hard years of parenting behind me, to face starting over again. But I know I can't go in to old age like this; and I want to split up while DC are still young - really don't want to do it in teenage years as I feel they will be more damaging. Plus I need to move house & can't wait till my 50's to get a re-mortgage.

At a time when I should feel secure, with the hard years of parenting behind me, to face starting over again. crikey yes I feel like this, except I still have a child to bring up. And the mortgage after 50! I’m dreading that. I’m stuck, I can’t work, I’m isolated, my life is miles from where I am, waiting for me. I hope! I’ve been trying to re establish it but the constant travelling is wrecking me.