Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

[dinnafashsassenach]

TheEndOfIt I am in a very similar boat that you were. 2 young kids in nursery, bill of 2k per month, there is just no way financially we can split, and I'm deeply, deeply unhappy in the mean time. I've got another 3 years before I no longer have a nursery bill. Don't know how I will hold on that long ☹

Glad to hear you are now getting out x

[dinnafashsassenach]

In my case I discovered an affair and then that he is infact gay. I'm trapped.

[relationshipwoes]

Sorry to hear you are in this boat too dinna. It’s so painful. What does your DH think about the situation?

@TheEndOfIt it seemed like you couldn’t go through with things following your financial/legal research. Have you got any further with a way forward?

In many ways, if there was a pill we could both swallow to love each other again, I would. (Stolen phrase from another MN thread). But obviously, such a pill does not exist.

[Sicario]

For what it's worth, I got to the point where I decided I'd rather live in a shack with my children and eat at a soup kitchen than stay in the marriage. The hardest part was making the decision. It wasn't easy, and true to form, he turned nasty the moment he realised that I really meant it and he couldn't gaslight me out of it with empty words. I was the one who had made all the compromises while facilitating his life. It's like the boiling frog analogy.

I think a lot of women are terrified of the consequences of splitting, as though they have been conditioned to believe that they are not capable of standing on their own two feet and providing for themselves and their children. Yes, it's hard work, but what would you rather? It's bloody hard work living in a sham of a marriage and what kind of example is that to set to our children when it comes to healthy happy relationships?

Fear of the unknown leads us to a form of paralysis. Then the years slip by. There IS life after divorce, and it's a hell of a lot better than putting up with a heap of shit that you never signed up for. Remember the girl you used to be? All the dreams you once had for yourself? Go back to that person, find her, and do what's right for YOU.

All the best to all of you going through this. I champion you all. x

[relationshipwoes]

Thank you for posting Sicario that’s really useful. And has made me cry if I’m honest. Can I ask how long ago you split and not your DC have coped? It’s them I’m most worried about

[relationshipwoes]

*how have you DC coped?

[buckingfrolicks]

Hi all.
I had just the type of relationship you are describing. And stayed for 20 years. Good man, good dad, pulled his practical weight but not his emotional weight. He listened to me endlessly but nothing changed. No sex (his preference) for last 15 years. Is come close to leaving but lost my nerve several times.

In the end I just lost it over a minor thing he did. - I just could not take it another minute. Cue massive screaming fit from me as I packed my suitcase and was out of the house within 20 minutes. Really dreadful behaviour from me tbh and I'm ashamed that I let it build up to that.

But THE RELIEF to be out and gone was and is huge. That there was some part of me that in the end took the decision for me - well I do feel proud and grateful to that part of me.

Our DC were 20 by then and tbh the loss of the mutual child rearing phase I think revealed the utter paucity of love for each other. Like up to them we had at least loved the parent in the other person (and needed them)

I am incredibly lucky in that I could afford to leave and live alone. I had the support of my friends and my DM. Our DD understands and says she sees we are both much happier apart. Our DS hates my guts.

The weird outcome though is that apart, I really do love him. We see each other weekly, text a lot, care a lot. He's far far nicer to me now. He notices me, and enjoys me, which he simply did not do when I lived with him. I am so much nicer to him too.

But we are lucky we have enough funds to run two houses without having to sell (he's stayed in the "family" home) and that our DC are living independently .

It's absolutely appalling living in that grey, unloving, joy deprived world. I'm not saying all is perfect for me now, but I'm not that nagging bitter angry woman I was for too long.

[Sicario]

My split was over 20 years ago now when my children were very young. I knew I had made a mistake early in the marriage, but was constantly told by the husband "this is what marriage is like". As though life becomes one huge compromise and drudge. And I believed it.

The guilt of splitting up a family ate me alive, but I knew that I couldn't go on like that. He refused to pay a single penny in support, so I worked like a bastard and found that I was a lot stronger than I had given myself credit for. Yes - had to make some sacrifices and get my priorities straight, but that's pretty easy when the chips are down. Like selling my jewellery to replace the car, but so what? THINGS don't matter, and are not what make us happy.

I felt that I couldn't raise my children in the shadow of a bad marriage because it was killing me inside. And if a mother is miserable as sin, what good is that? Kids pick up a lot more than adults would like to give them credit for. They are like little barometers. They need a loving happy environment. Of course, there are adjustments to be made, but it all works out eventually.

Over the years my children discovered for themselves what an a-hole he was/is (I never said a bad word about him). They refused all contact once they were old enough to make their own decisions. One got back in touch at the age of 25 then reported that he was still an a-hole and she would never make contact again.

I have to say that finding the strength to throw in the towel and take the consequences on the chin was the best move I ever made. I remember being utterly broke at certain points but being very happy.

[Tetrapod]

The weird outcome though is that apart, I really do love him. We see each other weekly, text a lot, care a lot. He's far far nicer to me now. He notices me, and enjoys me, which he simply did not do when I lived with him. I am so much nicer to him too
I have a very similar story, lived with a partner for about 15 stormy years then we decided to live separately and have done so for about 5 years now I'm not sure if it still counts as a relationship things are currently platonic I regard him as my significant other although I only see him a few hours a week but we are always there for each other and we message a lot

We were both just too bossy and unprepared to compromise, living together was too stressful

[yetmorecrap]

I dont know if anyone else feels this but I have stayed at the moment for practical reasons, but I do find it hard when he is going through holiday ideas or moving abroad etc, because in my head I am thinking, 'I don't want to move abroad with just you for company' and yet I kind of have to join in or declare my hand. I think if that gets serious I will have to do something. Thing is I do care about him , I do like him most of the time but after finding out about an emotional affair many years ago where he made an idiot of me and his current chronic porn habit (4/5 times a weekhe doesn't know that I know) I just don't have that kind of romantic/sexual attraction anymore, the other stuff sort of killed it dead and I don't think long term that's going to cut the mustard. Not sure I would have it with anyone else either as in my mid/late 50s now, but that doesn't bother me. I think he would be incredibly upset, partly because he has no local friends or interests , although I do think we could be very good friends.

[Tetrapod]

very good friends is worth a lot, I find it such a relief not to be in a domestic partnership
not to feel continuously furious about the unfair division of labour
my life is way easier and less stressful than it used to be

[Needsomebottle]

OP I'm with you feeling like I can't bury my head any longer. I'm going to have to do something about it or stop agonising and get on with the fact that I don't have the courage.

My circumstances are that he's a nice guy, great dad, good around the house, many things I feel I should feel grateful for, but due to circumstances I won't go into here i lost my romantic love for him about five years ago. But I care. And I know us splitting would destroy him and the children would be devastated. I'm not afraid of being alone, in fact i quite like the idea.

Can I ask, for those of you who may have been in similar circumstances and chose to make that leap, once you'd told them, how did you feel in the short term afterwards? I'm anticipating (should I do it) feeling huge guilt, wondering if I've done the right thing... But then I wonder if I'm going to feel like that is it normal? Or is that a sign I shouldn't?

Sorry to hijack OP but thought it may help you also and seemed a good place to ask.

[relationshipwoes]

Good question @Needsomebottle, more than happy for you to ask it here!

For what it’s worth, I think guilt would be a normal/natural thing to feel, and possibly unavoidable. After all, it’s not want anyone grows up wanting for themselves or their children.

Wondering whether you’ve done the right thing, again, a bit of that might be normal as few things are black and white. But I would say you would know beforehand and more so immediately after that it’s the necessary thing to do. Interested in others’ views on this and more generally.

[Mrsm14]

We reached tipping point over Christmas and DH is planning on moving out in a couple of weeks. Basically went to one counselling session, everything came to a head, and he's full steam ahead with going now. I'm furious and upset that I feel like he's just thrown the towel in without any fight, after years of me suggesting things to improve our relationship. He's already started talking about how he might need to buy a flat and how he will probably be sorted for the next person... I don't know what to think at the moment. I need to remember how shit it has been at times, and a lot of the time fod the last year or more... how we have zero sex life/chemistry and how much of a grumpy fucker he is a lot of the time. I didn't expect to feel this upset (like wanting to cry at work upset), given I was at the end of my tether, but I suppose it's still a shock when it all starts happening. I'm hoping I might start to feel some relief once he goes though.

Now to tell DD, which breaks my heart just thinking about it

[dontpointatme]

Hi all. I was in the same boat. Around August time last year we had a big talk and decided we would try couples counselling to see if we could get back on track. It took weeks to get an appointment, and after the first session we were hopeful I then discovered a pretty bad emotional affair (search my user if you want to read) and I kicked off big style.

My husband finally moved out on 23rd December and honestly it is such a relief! I was pretty much waiting for something bad enough to happen so that it would come to a head and we would end it, and I really wish now that I'd just had the guts to do it earlier as it would have saved the heartache and bad feeling over what he did.

My DD is only 2 but doesn't seem to have been faxed by anything so far, Daddy has his own house and she goes for sleepovers. She's closer to him now having more 1 on 1 time than she ever was before. I'm relaxed and happy at home. Finances will be tight but I'm a great believer in it all comes good on the end.

If you have kids and want to maintain a reasonable relationship, then I would say if you're unhappy don't wait for the bomb that will cause more problems. Give yourself (and him) a chance to make a really happy life separately, and be able to co-parent in the best way that you can.

Hugs and to all of you, I know how hard it it.

[WhyAmISoCold]

Well my situation has moved on.

I decided I couldn't do it anymore and basically just had to get through Christmas. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom in the evenings, something H was grumpy about and is constantly appearing. I just went through the motions at Christmas. 3 days after H came upstairs, I told him he was trying to make me feel guilty for needing time alone and that wasn't fair. He asked if id been thinking about relationship and I thought 'this is it' so I told him it's run it's course.

He just said ok. That was it. Now he can't move out yet as he has no money for deposit and 1st month's rent so this is likely to drag on for another 4/5 months so we cant tell the kids yet. I've started telling people though. He's told no one, so he says. I'm spending a lot of time at my friend's house because I can't bear the atmosphere at home. I've also made an appointment with a solicitor for next week. If I don't start doing something, nothing will happen so I know facilitating this will all be down to me.

[hopefullybettersoon]

Hi OP just to answer your question about my dc, I suppose I'm quite lucky in that they are both still quite young. The baby hasn't really cared. The 3 year old, to be honest, did play up for a couple of weeks, but there were some other changes going on when we split like me going back to work and I think it was that as much as anything. I'll be honest I had about 3 weeks where it was really fucking stressful, but I still never questioned my decision. It was helped by him acting like a dick, which actually just helped to cement it. I was also surprised at how quickly I adjusted to life as a single parent. I felt lonely for one night and that was about it. Again, it helped that I'd done so much alone with the kids anyway that suddenly doing everything actually wasn't that much of a change.

As regards how I felt, I honestly didn't feel any guilt. Partly I suppose because I felt, and still feel strongly that it was his behaviour that ended the relationship, so although it was ultimately my decision I don't actually feel that responsible. The most overwhelming feeling was relief. All the uncertainty, all the worrying and anxiety about the future, all the wondering about whether we could make it work and the mental energy that was taking up was suddenly lifted. Making the decision made my future suddenly seem brighter and full of possibilities. I started to feel like myself again. I started to realise how much he'd worn me down over the years and I'm now starting to get my confidence back.

The situation many of you are describing here feels so familiar. I know making the mental leap of deciding not to be together is so so huge. I couldn't face it for ages. The thought of selling the house, splitting up all the stuff we'd acquired together over the years, the thought of dc growing up with two homes. I simply couldn't think about it. All I can say is that once you get past that and accept that it's all going to happen no matter what, it does just get so much easier. And it doesn't seem so huge. It doesn't happen all at once. You just deal with one thing at a time. Yes, I do feel sad about my children but I know I am making this decision for them as well. I wouldn't want them to stay in a situation where they were chronically unhappy, so I don't feel that I should either. My parents split and it was hard, but they both ended up with people so much more suited to them and they were so much happier as a result.

Yes, it's hard doing everything, but it's so much better to have no partner than to have a shit one. I don't have to clean up his mess. I don't have to wash his clothes. I don't have to resent him not helping with the kids, because he's just not there. I didn't realise how much energy all of that built up resentment was taking until he was gone. And now when he does have the kids, I have some time to myself, which I never seemed to get when we were together.

I've realised I was never really happy with him, and that a lot of our relationship was me trying to convince myself that I was happy so I could try to make it work. In contrast, the happiness I feel now is completely different. It's mine, it's real, and it's got fuck all to do with any dickhead man. That's a lovely feeling.

[WhyAmISoCold]

Oh and I just felt relieved. No guilt or sadness. The only guilt I feel is the fact the DCs lives are about to implode and they have no idea.

I also just want to get on with it. But can't. Which is really making even more irritated with him than usual.

[WhyAmISoCold]

"The situation many of you are describing here feels so familiar. I know making the mental leap of deciding not to be together is so so huge. I couldn't face it for ages. The thought of selling the house, splitting up all the stuff we'd acquired together over the years, the thought of dc growing up with two homes. I simply couldn't think about it. All I can say is that once you get past that and accept that it's all going to happen no matter what, it does just get so much easier. And it doesn't seem so huge."

"I've realised I was never really happy with him, and that a lot of our relationship was me trying to convince myself that I was happy so I could try to make it work."

Just wanted to say absolutely agree with the above.

[TheEndofIt]

I'm sorry to read some of these sad updates & that some people are struggling

I'm still working on my plan; it was very clear from the IFA & lawyer that I must increase my hours/income. At the moment, it's temporary & I need it to be permanent. I need to see an accountant next & that's my target of the week.

DP has lost his job (through mental health issues) & finishes soon. That complicates things, as I cannot rely on maintenance & will have high childcare costs. But in other ways it makes it easier, as the house will likely need sold (I can't buy him out) & I can move somewhere of my choice. But I'm going to feel such a cow; dreading the fallout & realise things will get worse before they get better.

I felt there was a lot of tension over the holiday period & when he was back at work, I felt happier with the kids on my own - more relaxed & fun.

It really hit me on NYE; I couldn't face sitting up with him & just went to bed early for a bit of a cry.

[WhyAmISoCold]

"I felt there was a lot of tension over the holiday period & when he was back at work, I felt happier with the kids on my own - more relaxed & fun."

This exactly how I have felt for a while and one of the reasons I knew I was done.

[Mrsm14]

Yep, recognise a lot of that. The weird thing is though, having finally given up, I'd been less angry than before as I accepted he's not changing. No amount of shouting or nagging or seething has had any affect. So weirdly, as I got to the end of my tether and gave up, I started feeling less angry and things weren't quite as bad!! I think it's definitely a temporary respite though and it's probably good he's in agreement. Think I'm just a bit hurt that he didn't try to make a final stand (I know this is ridiculous)

[Mrsm14]

I def felt calmer and more positive when he went away recently. Plus everything just ran smoother too. I am worried about finances though. We used to earn the same but I now earn a third of his salary. Feel like an idiot for taking a step back and focussing on his job and not thinking about my own enough.

Good luck to everyone else in this position x

[Focus2019]

@relationshipwoes I split from my H last December. I was married 16 years together 19 I knew the marriage was a mistake within 1st year but got pregnant so stayed. Like you H was a good man not abusive or mean.

Looking back now however I can see how he was very passive aggressive and controlling in a subtle way - only distance had opened my eyes to this.

I made the decision to leave in July 2015 but it took me over 2 years to leave as I needed to get things in order then had family illness. What finally made the decision for me however was when I found out my old boyfriend was single I met him and slept with him after that I left my H within the week. I saw the old boyfriend a few times but it was never going anywhere.

I wished I'd left years before we did split 7 years previously but I was not strong enough and he won me back with promises.

I would say make a plan and leave you can do it and you will feel so much better for it. I know you feel like you could try harder but it sounds like you have been you deserve to be happy.

Good luck

[Giraffey1]

Sad to see so many people in a similar situation.

I’ve been married now for 14 years - no children - and have been unhappy for most of that time, if I am honest with myself. I realised years ago I’d made a mistake but I’m a coward when it comes to confrontation.

I gave up trying to have proper conversations with him years ago because he would take any comment, no matter how constructive, as criticism and take everyone so personally - it was so horrible I just avoided the discussion altogether. This made it it feel impossible for me to tell him how I was feeling and that I wanted out. I just kept putting it in the ‘too difficult ‘ box.

In March 2017 we had a a row where I just saw red and told him I wanted s divorce. It wasn’t a good way for him to hear my feelings and I wish I’d done it in a more grown up way, but I don’t regret having finally been honest, at least in part. Even then I couldn’t tell him some of the real reasons - that he’s racist, opinionated, selfish and lazy (has no Jon but does little to no housework); that we’ve not had sex for years and he doesn’t understand why this matters to me. And so on.

Nearly two years later we are still under the same roof because again, I’ve been a coward and not pushed for a formal separation or sold the house. I know I need to get a grip.

For me, there was no doubt in my mind that we were done, and I’ve not ever fell like it was worth trying again. This is partly because he refused any suggestion of counselling, and partly because when I told him I wanted to split he nevertheless o cue said .. but I love you, can’t we try again, or tried to persuade me to stay. He just said, oh well, I can see you have made up your mind ... and that was it!

I would encourage anyone feeling like they are at the end of their relationship road to try and talk about it calmly and not have a meltdown like me! I’d also say enlist the help and advice of any wise friends of relatives you have - a third party can sometimes cast things in a new light or simply tell you some of the things you’ve been feeling inside but hadn’t dare articulate.