Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

Not great at times. If I'm in a mood then I can be more snappy with the DC, especially when they are bickering and driving me mad. I try to remember it's not them I'm annoyed with. It's not very successful though. I definitely snap more when I'm in a bad mood with H.

@WhyAmISoCold are you me??! Husband does do stuff but only when I push and if he's getting the kids ready and saying things like 'come on guys get dressed get your teeth brushed etc' it always feels like it's because I've been the one leading it and he's doing it for my benefit? Does that make sense? If it wasn't there in the morning on top of them they'd probably manage to get dressed but no lunch and definitely do brushed hair!
We have separate accounts but I have access to his accounts so even then I'm in charge of his money and make sure he's not going overdrawn 😩
Feels like our lives are so intertwined that I'm not sure we'd manage to successfully split. I also think if we did split I'd still have to deal with all the shit and organise him with the kids stuff so this would never improve

It's so frustrating when you have to micromanage everything. What doesn't help is I have builders here at the moment. Who are very competant, get things done and do a bloody good job. We've been chatting away and one of them sounds like the other half of me and he has to battle with his wife to get stuff done as she doesn't do it etc. He also has cleaned my window frames etc because the dirt was bothering him and tidied all the cupboard under the stairs when there was nothing else to do! I would kill for a husband like this. Unfortunately he appears happily married.

@WhyAmISoCold he sounds amazing! I would to have someone who noticed those sorts of things around the house and just get on with them! I have to tell mine about 10 times that something needs doing and then end up doing it myself!

In answer to Reading's question - I keep smiling by reminding myself that ultimately it is my choice to stay.
I used to feel much more animosity towards DH when I felt 'trapped' but now I remind myself its my choice to stay. Ok so the other option where we split would be much worse financially, logistically, etc etc so much so as to be extremely unappealing, but it IS a choice and one I'm choosing not to make because at the moment, despite his irritating faults (and I second the having to micromanage him and his inertia driving me mad) it's a better option to stay.
I realised that my annoyance directed at him doesn't change him, it just eats away at me and creates an atmosphere for the kids and makes me more likely to snap at them.

So while I'm choosing to stay, I remind myself that it's an active choice on my part, which stops me feeling like a victim of circumstance and ultimately leads to a much more harmonious atmosphere.

If I cant change the situation I can change the way I react to it.

TheBookThief that's a very interesting post. I find I think the same at times, I'm choosing to stay for the financial security and not to cause great upheaval to my DCs lives, and when I'm in that mindset it's better but I keep slipping back and get grumpy and irritable. Sometimes though I get affected when DH is grumpy and irritable and his mood affects my mood. It's really hard as I flip flop so much. Ultimately I struggle most when I really want sex, but I won't sleep with DH. It's been years. He knows I won't sleep with him but would rather just stay together without any sort of sex life. I think it's that that's killing me the most.

Me too. He is a really kind and good man and a loving father to our two teenagers. Married 18 years. We are just two very different people, growing apart more every day and we can't face talking about it. It's so very sad and I'm terrified of the shockwaves through the family if we do separate, plus I've no idea how we could manage financially. But it just cannot go on like this.

I think that’s a really good approach TheBookThief

It’s not very relevant or useful, but I do wonder how many people are truly happily married after a decade or two and after having had kids. And, mostly, I wonder how they managed it, if they have.

In terms of sex, I think I read here or somewhere, something about sex being about everything domesticity/being a mother isn’t.

Also to answer Reading’s question, I dig really deep to keep upbeat for the kids, using this logic: if part of my reason for staying is for the kids then I may as well leave if things are unpleasant whilst staying. Hope that make sense

Following on from the lawyer last week, I've got the IFA tomorrow to see what is realistic financially.

I've been unhappy now for about 5 years; I can't even pretend to be happy any more.

Another question to those that have posted here: What are things like in your homes at the weekend?

I’m having a particularly bad one where I can barely stand to be in the same room as H and am finding it hard work to “be nice”. It’s awful.

Similar OP. I get so annoyed when he's around. He seems to appear in whatever room I'm in and it irritates me. I want him to just go away if I'm honest which then makes me irritable. He had some time off.work this week and I was irrationally annoyed because he was off on my day off and was here when I finished (I'm part time) and I've been enjoying my chats with the builders and don't feel like I can be the same with DH here as he always appears then as well and doesn't go.

I feel like such a cow for thinking like this. Bit at the same time I feel resentful that he is aware of some of my feelings, has certainly picked up on my irritation with him and will plod along doing zero about it. If I'm honest, I am losing respect for him because he will live like this forever rather than end it. It has to be me to say 'we're done' like it has to be me who says everything about everything and I get sick of it.

I don't want to lose my house though. I put a 55% deposit down as I had an inheritance and I've paid for all the work inside, kitchen, bathrooms etc etc and probably spent nearly 20k in the last 4 years on the house. I can afford the mortgage payments alone as they are low but I can't afford to buy him out as I wouldn't be able to borrow enough. I adore my house and have got it just how I want it and because we're married he is entitled to half. Although he has a decent pension an I don't so I could offer a deal with that.

Thanks WhyAmISoCold. It seems we’re in a very similar situation. Do you have any plans or inclination to try to improve things? Or equally to take steps to leave...eg like a PP seek legal/financial advice?

How did you get on with the IFA TheEndOfIt?

I am till at the point of wanting things to improve rather than to leave and am hoping I can find the strength from somewhere. It’s not easy at this time of year when there is so much other shit to deal with (and invariably falls to me to sort).

The IFA was mixed @relationshipwoes .

Basically, I need to increase my hours to FT & take a bigger share than I put in from the house sale, plus move area to make it work economically.

I definitely can't buy him out the house.

So it's pretty daunting; and if he doesn't agree then it could potentially go to court.

Very sobering, and a huge upheaval for the kids, who would have to move cities, schools & homes.

But there's pretty much no relationship between their dad & I; we haven't had sex in 6.5 years!!! I don't love him anymore. I thought things could turn around, but there's too much water under the bridge.

I've had counselling on my own; I don't think counselling together will change the fact that I don't have feelings for him.

So next I need to see an accountant re: some investments I have to see how that can help the financial situation.

So utterly depressing; I wish there was a simpler solution.

That sounds tough @TheEndofIt, although it sounds like you are set on what you need to do. Do you find that's more of a relief rather than being in limbo?

@relationshipwoes I don't know at the moment. If we didn't have the house, I'd split. But when we did talk before he did say he would be the one to move out. I wouldn't even want him to go straight away. I have suggested splitting but living as co parents, which tbh is what we already do although we haven't outright said 'we aren't together'. He still hopes it will work out. It won't though. I don't love him. And I'm finding it harder and harder to just keep going. It's affecting my mood, which affects the household and the DCs. He's also almost permanently moody, moreso than I am even.

But it doesn't stop me feeling guilty and bad for him. He isn't a bad bloke at all. I just think I settled down too young (met when I was 18, married when I was 21, he's over 6 years older than me) and I've outgrown the relationship. It would be easier if he felt the same, but he doesn't. He offered to have marriage counselling and I told him it's not what I want. He offered to move back into the bedroom (he sleeps downstairs) and I said it's not what I want. He thinks it all started after DC2 and it's because we don't share a bed. I've told him it's not that. Short of spelling out 'I don't love you' he just isn't getting it. I think telling him I don't want to share a bed with him, I won't have sex with him again and I don't want counselling really does spell it out but he isn't getting it at all. Or he does and he just won't say, like he knows I've been unhappy for a long time but didn't say anything. I don't even look at him a lot of the time.

I think I'm getting to the point that I need to say 'we're done' but not yet. Get Christmas out of the way. But then it's DCs birthdays although that shouldn't make a difference. But we are going away for DDs and I really don't want to share a bed with him.

Oh dear, not good for either of you. I’m not sure if I have my head in the sand that things can better or not. I do sometimes think I still have feelings for him but not sure if is a more wistful yearning to have the “happy family” set up and the feeling is more of familiarity/comfort than anything resembling love.

Have you been and gone through this phase?

I do know the wondering and the limbo ain’t good though.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that he would do something like cheat so that it would be ‘justifiable’ and ‘bad enough’ to leave. I’m aware that’s pretty twisted....

I’ve changed more than him in the time we’ve been together I think, so I feel like it’s not fair on the children to have their lives so disrupted because I have ‘changed my mind’ about him.

I used to wish my ex would die in a car crash! I guess I was hoping for the non-responsibility way out!

This is not uncommon from what I’ve read on various threads on here. I have had both of those thoughts. Not a good way for things to be.

Bloody hell I've found my people hello!

DH and I have been together 8 years married 2. Two DC aged 2 and 4. I'm mostly a sahm. It's bloody hard. For the last 5 years we've had the recurring argument that I'm exhausted, feel unappreciated and would like him to make a bit more effort. It slightly improves and then goes back to how it was. He is a good person, genuine and honest and a brilliant dad. I recently decided I had to look at myself too and not blame him for how I feel and I'm now on antidepressants as I cried all over the GP and they have helped but not enough. I also wish he'd do something awful so I could throw him out but it won't happen.
I can't leave him because I can't face what it would do to the kids right now. They adore him. I also think it'll be so hard on my own as I find him so helpful at times and can't wait for him to come home from work to share the load! Unfortunately he only shares the fun bits and I'm left to do 99 percent of the housework and he makes it harder by leaving mess everywhere. I hate how he'll open a packet and leave part of it on the worktop instead of putting it in the bin and it's things like that that add up! I have explained that I need help with the mental load but he just says he has his own mental load too. He doesn't seem to take my concerns seriously and thinks we have a good life so why am I complaining?

Ugh.

Have just written about exactly this. I’m literally waiting for Christmas to pass it’s a sad and depressing way to live! Did the same last year and but didn’t see it through because of the usual reasons, feel bad to the kids, youngest is only 2 and wakes in the night or mega early and just need the bit of help even though like @googly he makes more mess for me to sort! I actually feel bad for him too as I know he wants to stay despite the misery

Can I please ask how you broach this with your partner in the first place? I feel similarly to lots of you on here, and am trying to decide what I want (in terms of whether my marriage has a future) but I don’t really know if my H has a clue. We don’t talk (part of the issue...) and as much as I think he must be as fed up as I am, I am not sure what I say in the first instance.

Oh hi H, shall we just call it a day on our marriage because we don’t actually seem to give that much of a shit anymore do we?
I’m not really trying to be flippant but I just have no idea how to even start the conversation.

@kitkat it's so hard out of the blue but I suppose a... We need to talk (cliche!) I'm feeling really unhappy and I want to explain why and find out how you feel too?

My DH rolls his eyes and goes oh this again? When I bring it up now

I accidentally missed a couple of days dose of my antidepressants and have felt more amenable towards my DH this afternoon now that they've presumably kicked back in. I don't like it though, I want to know how I ACTUALLY feel, without depression OR pills clouding it. Not sure how to achieve that.

A problem I think I have is that DH doesn't take my concerns seriously and thinks I'm reacting badly to him and everything. I.e. if he doesn't do the dishwasher even though it's literally his only job it's fine, he will just do it in the morning. It's not fine! I have to Scrabble through the sink or unwashed stuff to locate a mug and spoon for the coffee I'm like a zombie without while holding a hefty two and a half year old on my hip and trying not to get flattened by the dog and cat both demanding breakfast. Then I have to wash bowls out before I can give the kids breakfast. Where is he? Well sometimes he's up but most days he's either still in bed or already at work. He might help by holding the DC while I find the kids etc but really couldn't he just have done it?! He lies on bed on his phone for ages. He's not tied to a breastfeeding light sleeping toddler like I am, I frequently get up after falling asleep at bedtime to do chores and he's on his phone or asleep. If I ask him to help he will but I don't want to ask all the time!

It's the same with date nights as someone has mentioned. He shows no initiative. He did suggest one a couple of months ago because I had complained a few days previously but then said there was no point as I was on my period I ripped him a new arsehole over that but he laughed it off and said he didn't mean it like that. Twat.

@Kitkatmonster I had a friend going through the same thing and they were actually in the process of splitting. When telling DH this, I said my friend hadn't been happy for a long time, and actually neither was I. He then told me he knew . Which has annoyed me because if I hadn't said anything he never would have.

I've also been hoping to discover an affair so I have a reason. I found messages (on Facebook when DS was on his tablet) between him and a woman from work where they were just chatting but it was the tone, didn't sound like him at all. I asked if I could look at his phone, he said sure but went to the toilet first, came back and handed it over. Hardly any messages at all. But he forgot the logs which showed over 40 messages backwards and forwards. Conveniently couldn't get them back and he said it was more of similar to what I saw on Facebook, but couldn't tell me any actual content. He denies cheating, and I really don't think he did as he's straight as a die but I reckon there may have been an emotional element involved as he did talk about her a lot. He denied an attraction to her though and never really mentioned her again, which considering he works with her and used to mention her often, I found a bit odd. No where near enough for me to suspect an actual affair though. She was also seeing someone else in their work place. She certainly confided in DH a lot about very personal stuff with regards to her marriage breakdown. I told him if he was then just do the decent thing and end it (our marriage) and he just denied it. I was actually a bit disappointed. I've also given him permission to go and find someone else as I was clear I wouldn't sleep with him again. He doesn't want to and thinks that's weird.

"I’ve changed more than him in the time we’ve been together I think, so I feel like it’s not fair on the children to have their lives so disrupted because I have ‘changed my mind’ about him."

^this

I go through phases OP. Sometimes I'm content enough and think I can keep things as they are, then I get fed up and want to end it etc and the cycle continues. I think if I was truely happy I wouldn't keep getting into this cycle.