Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

[Needsomebottle]

Ah so true what you just said...

Sometimes I'm content enough and think I can keep things as they are, then I get fed up and want to end it etc and the cycle continues. I think if I was truely happy I wouldn't keep getting into this cycle

Yes. I decide last year I would not go through another two years feeling undecided. If I'm undecided then that appears to be a decision in itself...

Sorry, been watching and reading a while. Just wanted to say you struck a chord.

[Redskyandrainbows67]

Me me me...

I tried to leave. Told my family - they didn’t want us to split up so I went back to the norm and we fight daily. It’s awful. I worry constantly about the effect on the kids. But I can’t leave on my own without any support - it feels like there’s glue keeping me and nothing pulling me.

[Kitkatmonster]

I think for long periods that it’s ok, it’s not that bad. I can put up with this etc. But then I think what if I regret staying when the kids have left Home? Why do I not deserve to be happy now?

I don’t hate my dh. But I dislike lots of things he does and I don’t much like my life when I’m at home. I’d rather be alone.

[WhyAmISoCold]

I know. I worry about the future. Staying for the kids is all very well, but I've read posts on here from now adults who's parents did this and they said it made them think their childhood was a lie. They also say about the unhappy atmosphere and that they wish their parents had split.

In a selfish way, I want happiness. And to feel alive with a partner who's bones I want to jump. I miss that feeling so much. I used to think it wasn't important and I could live without intimacy but I'm heading for 40 and feel my life is passing me by. You only get 1 shot!

[NotScrewingUpNow]

Your relationship sounds just like mine, but I only stay for financial reasons. I want to kick start my accounting career then I'm out the door. Won't be for a while though.

[TheEndofIt]

I've had a few very sobering days after seeing the lawyer & IFA. Reality is hitting & I'm having serious thoughts about whether I can follow through on this.

It's the upheaval - I'd have to sell the house, move to a really shitty area or another city (if he agrees). I have no family support & DC would have to change schools.

Am just not sure I've got the strength to face it.

[Mrsm14]

Me too. Together for 12 years. Great dad, lovely man, but been unhappy on and off for several years, mostly with physical side, and definitely gone downhill in last 2 years.

Sex big issue. He has no interest in sex and it's pretty much been over since we had our DD 3 years ago. I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened in last 18-24 months. I thought it was something I could live with, as he is a great guy and i do care deeply for him. He ticks so many boxes - kind, good job, trustworthy etc. But I miss wanting it, as well as doing it!

I am also in charge of everything and am the only one who tries to improve things. I endlessly plan, book, suggest etc - date nights / holidays / dinner with tv off / talking / family times. I plan everything for our daughter. I manage all life admin, finance stuff, life to do lists. Things only happen after I write it down, remind, nag, shout, cry and totally lose it. It improves for a bit, then goes back again. I'm now starting to be mean, because I'm so full of anger and resentment. He has no get up and go or drive and will put up with anything for an easy life- it's infuriating and unattractive. The weird thing is, he's successful at work and so must be able to manage shit and be proactive. Which is even more infuriating!

We're going to try counselling, because I've realised I need to move it on. Don't think I can stay in a relationship with zero romance/ sex/ intimacy/ excitement for the rest of my life and keep going through this pattern of nagging and blowing up. Feel hugely guilty for even contemplating leaving an ultimately very decent man, just because of this though. My DD adores him and I can't bear to hurt her, or even him. Also scared I'll look back and think I was stupid and should ignore physical relationship as a trade off, since he works and does his fair share of housework and childcare and maybe I'm a selfish, greedy, awful person

[HollyLM]

[relationshipwoes]

Oh God, I could have written much of these posts. How rubbish that there is not an easy solution. It really is rock and hard place.

YY especially to “if I was truly happy I wouldn’t keep getting into this cycle”

What are we going to do?! Just want to scream sometimes. Argghhh!

[relationshipwoes]

I wonder if lots of other couples encounter this but are better at just either riding it out (and things improving) or just settling long term.

I am not the kind of person who can easily hide my feelings or put up a front and I am also quite “needy” of emotional connections (rather than superficial small talk for example). Maybe people who aren’t so like this can weather the storms better and/or just settle long terms for something that is at best mediocre.

There is also a saying that sums up what a couple of posters have said:

Men marry women expecting them not to change and they do. Women marry men expecting them to change and they don’t.

[Deadringer]

My dh and I no longer have a loving relationship. We have been together since our teens and are in our 50s now. Our lives are completely intertwined, I have no idea how we could possibly separate if we tried. He is a decent person, he loves me, has always been faithful, has supported me through tough times etc, but I just don't think I love him. On a day to day basis I feel that he doesn't listen to me and even belittles me. He can't see this, but it has killed my feelings for him. Sometimes I think it might be salvageable but in the long run I think it's over. What complicates things further for us is that we are foster parents, I just couldn't put the foster DC through a separation, especially when we co parent well and rarely argue. Sometimes I wish he would meet someone else and sail off into the sunset, it's not looking likely though. I feel better after writing that down, have no one in irl I can tell.

[TheEndofIt]

I so agree with that last quote, @relationshipwoes .

I wish I could wind back the clock & see the red flags: that it was all about him, that he wasn't good at caring about my needs, how utterly shite he was about the house.

And more fool me for moving cities (away from friends & family) to be with him.

Hindsight, eh?

[user1479305498]

Funnily enough I don’t necessarily agree that men don’t change , not all of us have red flags early on, I certainly didnt expect to find in my 50s I was married to someone who had an emotional affair for quite a period in the past and kept it to himself for years or developed a chronic porn habit. Many men do change, whether it’s through stress or dissatisfaction or whatever, but there aren’t always obvious red flags early on

[relationshipwoes]

Yes but how often do men change for the better versus how many women?

Most women I know really grow as a person through adulthood, develop themselves in some way. Men not so much. Invariably they take a turn for the worse.

But actually, as we seeing here, men who just stagnate and are passive are nearly as harmful for a relationship as the adulterers and abusers. No offence to those who have been abused and cheated on, obviously it’s more harmful to the individual, but I am talking about the relationship.

Again, screaming frustration!

[user1479305498]

Ah, I agree about very few changing for the better!!

[Sarahandduck18]

We talk about splitting every few months.

Things get better for a bit then back to normal.

The thought of 30 more years of this is depressing.

[Chesntoots]

I am.

I think the world of him, but it will never work, for various reasons. He will be devastated. I cannot keep going like this though.

[Googlybearwazowski]

Yep, my DH hasn't changed and I have changed massively. For the better, I feel. I have become a mother and a feminist and have developed interests in politics and psychology and suchlike and he just... Doesn't get it. Isn't interested in debate, isn't interested in broadening his views, isn't unpleasant or fixed on his giewsy and does support me but doesn't DO anything himself... no initiative or particularly strong feelings about anythint. We're annoyingly like my parents and I don't want to be like my mum, who would be much happier alone but is staying with my dad because she's worried he wouldn't cope without her and she couldn't cope financially without him. I don't want that.

But we have two kids and a dog and a life and it all looks good, not perfect (we're skint) but good. I just wish he adored me a bit more and showed it. And pulled his weight a bit more.

I feel I can't even complain because he only goes out a few times a year! He's not down the pub every weekend or away for work ever, he comes home straight after work. He looks after the kids. It's just not enough for me and I don't know if it's because I'm being unreasonable or unrealistic or what.

[relationshipwoes]

Me too Googly. It baffles me why they don’t want to broaden their views etc. So dull!

[WhyAmISoCold]

Funny, I was having this conversation with my builders today. I think they have gauged how I'm not happy from comments I've made about DH. One got divorced 2 years ago and was saying how awful it was, how hard to was to unentangle their lives (and they didn't have DCs), how it was going wrong a long time before they split and ultimately the best advice he was given was end it before you get to the point where you hate each other and you can keeo things amicable. The other, not sure, I've wondered if he's in a similar situation to me. He was saying how hard it is to split when you have kids (he has a child) and have lives together. I remember both of us joking before that we are due upgrades due to length of time in our relationships (his is over 20 years). We were also once discussing our laminated lists and he said about having a weekend away with his then going home and the other one said 'you wouldn't go home after' (they're friends as well as working together).

DH has actually asked me this evening if anything is wrong as I've been pissy all week apparently (I have). I said nothing as if I admit what it is, the only thing left for me to say is 'I'm done' and I'm being a coward about it.

[relationshipwoes]

I flit from burying my head in the sand about this, to googling divorce lawyers to feeling I won’t give up on it (the marriage) and we just need to work on it.

Going round in circles big time.

I do think the advice about splitting before you end up hating each other is worth listening to.

[Needsomebottle]

Much the same here. But I've buried my head a long time and feel like I'm in a now or never situation. The next couple of months I'm either going to have to decide to push all these thoughts of ending out of my head and crack on making the most of it or follow through with splitting. Gosh though, the thought of how difficult and angsty that will be.

[WhyAmISoCold]

@needsomebottle, this is the conclusion I've come to as well. Doesn't help (or maybe it does) that I've seriously had my head turned and had a lot if fun (just laughs) with another man. It's really made me see how dull, boring and stagnant my life and relationship is. I had completely forgotten what it felt like.

[BettieSweaty]

Reading with interest. In the same situation. Haven't got time to read all right now or offer my perspective but will come back later. Hopefullybettersoon sums it up so well ...

[relationshipwoes]

Hi all, I’m the OP, needing some handholding again. Now that the distraction of Christmas is over, I feel like I can’t bury my head in the sand.

How is everyone else doing?

@hopefullybettersoon can I ask you (as you had already made the decision to split) how did/have you DC coped? Assuming you have DC.

I don’t know quite what my point of posting is, but I do know my mental health is deteriorating living like this.

I was reading the “When did you know it was the end?” thread, thinking I can recognise some of the signs. I’m scared.