Being the partner of an unemployed DH

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It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

Been there and done that. It is remarkably hard to continue to be supportive, whilst worrying yourself about the situation. It is really really tough. In the end I had to be honest and tell him how hard
It was for me as well.

I completely understand OP..... who is supporting you ... who is giving you a break... cherishing you.... yes I understand... you need a break...

Did that help Godots?

It would be better if he just takes whatever he can to bridge the gap, regardless of how much the salary is! It makes it worse him being around the house all day, and at least it would get him out of the house and beginning to feel part of the human race again! He can always carry on applying for other jobs at the same time.

Yes, he needs to get any job. Be it a bridge job, or his last job. But a job.

My DH had a couple of periods of unemployment - around the same age post redundancy.
He did a short term contract in his old field (but for less money, lower level). Bit soul destroying but it was money and slightly out of his original experience so he did learn a bit.
Then I was working overseas for a bit and he did some volunteering and an OU module.
Then he went to Uni (and skipped a year on the back of the OU module which was a great bonus).
We felt the key was to keep busy. He'd worked non stop since he was 18 so it was also good to have a break. He didn't study then so no long vacations.

Thanks single, turns out it’s not as easy as that in your mid/late 40s & with a senior management cv but several gaps in it & a huge loss of confidence.

We always said it was better to study or volunteer than do e.g. retail where he had no experience. But he had a few months on JSA where they did show him a few, er, unusual jobs (as he was about to go to Uni they didn't expect him to e.g. move).
Topless webcam operator, male, in their 50s, a bit overweight, anyone?

Been there, got the T shirt. My husband works in the building industry, so retrenched every 3 years or so. Generally gets a job within 3 months but has been off as long as 12 months.
It is very hard, and I did get very resentful at one stage. I wanted to do more school Mum things like canteen, and couldn’t because I had to work full time.
Now, we have contingency money in a set account so we can pay bills for a period of time.
He knows he can’t quit a job unless he has another lined up as he is in his 50’s. We also joke about working at Bunnings or as an Uber driver if he can’t get work.
Good luck 💐

Thanks drspouse, appreciate the ideas but I’m posting here to talk about the impact this has on the other person ie me & the relationship, rather than for practical career advice for him.

I totally emphathise. I’ve supported my DH after redundancy through retraining to establishing his new career. I found it and still find it really hard. I worked full time with a long commute and a tiny baby, tried to be positive and supportive but at times just wanted to scream. Even now I still do feel resentful that our savings all went on retraining, our quality of life dropped drastically but we are a partnership. I was also made redundant on maternity leave but got a new job quickly so I suppose whilst I do know the feeling of redundancy I didn’t have a long period of unemployment.

Does it matter if you cry when talking to someone about it in real life? Surely letting your feelings out could be helpful. Have you any good friends who would just listen to you offload?

But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

Partners should be able to freely share their worries, regardless of either person's long term situation. In fact he might even get an ego boost out of it by being able to be the strong man who cheers you up for once, rather than his wife always cheering him up, and him feeling useless and emasculated by it.

Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try.

Bursting into tears mid-sentence is not a good reason to not talk. Anyone who's actually a real friend won't give a damn that you're crying incoherently into a cushion. Do it anyway. You'll feel better, they'll feel a bit more aware of your problems, and they might even offer to help out later on when you need it even more. Crying is something that you should do as and when you need to do it, not something to bottle up forever and ever. That's how lasting damage gets done.

On the plus side, he's helping around the house and being proactive in chasing options - a lot of people can't even manage that much.

It’s shit. I work in an industry where practically everyone I know has been made redundant, at least once, some several times over since 2008. Easy for the more junior team members as there are always plenty of low to middle level positions but it can take the senior guys years sometimes, and I’ve known some to take jobs a rung below where they used to be (as a team member rather than manager) to get back into work. I don’t have any practical ideas but just wanted to let you know that’s it’s shit and you are not alone. Be gentle on yourself, your husband is lucky to have you.

I do unload with my Dsis from time to time. But not sure I want to let all the emotions out as I’ve become so conditioned to being the one in control after the years. Bit scared to let it all hang out I guess.

Feel like I could have wrote this post myself. My DH recently lost his job after a collapsed lung in June and found it difficult to find another job until after he fully recovered. Soooooo frustrating. Especially because he doesn't appretiate how difficult I'm finding it to hold everything together and keep on top of things and how stressed the financial situation is making me. Sometimes il come home and he will be sitting on the couch playing the Xbox with not one thing done.... But if I moan of complain, I'm the selfish one as he was went through a majour health scare, his scar hurt, etc etc. Rant over!!!! Thankfully he starts a job on Monday..... fingers crossed

Thanks Josella. People keep saying how lucky he is to have me, being so strong for him etc. I think that’s one of the reasons I bottle up my feelings.

I understand. When it was us, I used to say sometimes ‘you know, this is happening to me as well.’ I don’t think he ever really got that though. Fingers crossed it’s not much longer.

I'm glad to hear you unload to your DSis! Having nobody at all is horrible.

Remember that even the foundations of a house need to rest on something, and the keystone of a bridge needs to spread its pressure onto the stones surrounding it. Ditto a pressure valve needs to have some release mechanism, etc etc etc

Venting and talking emotionally isn't weakness, it's an essential mental health device to keep you sane. You don't have to disintegrate into a hysterical mess (although you can if you need to) but I would strongly urge you to talk about your problems to your support network more, not less, as you go through difficult times.

If you're not happy about doing it with people you know, there are plenty of hotlines out there to support people in your position. Find an hour or two where you're going to be 100% alone in the house and give them a call. It couldn't possibly hurt you, and might help!

Thanks Sethis. I know, I do need to open the valve on the pressure cooker. Just worried it might not go back in again!

I used to get resentful if jobs weren’t done. I also got resentful if he ‘wasted’ money on non essentials ( in my opinion).
We had to allocated jobs and he had to think of house husband as a job in itself.
It did get him to understand about family work and how much time arranging family life takes.

I can wholeheartedly understand! My DH has been made redundant for time no 4 and to add to the mix we are living abroad and have been for the last 15 years
Needless to say any ideas of career etc got me are non existent and now the kids are leaving the nest I should be having the chance to rediscover myself- but no yet again I must be supportive , understanding, quiet accepting etc plus also the practical one who actually determines how we move countries.
Frankly now I am tired. I have a granddaughter now and grown up kids who do still need me a lot. I want to go home - to uk ..
I have told DH who says he is listening but then last week told me that we would accept if a good offer came up in Europe.
Happy wife / happy life . Why is this so hard to comprehend??

This is one of the reasons I left my H. Not redundancy, but years of fucking up every job opportunity he had, by either getting into trouble or making complaints, meanwhile I was left to carry him and hold it all together. By the end, the resentment and anger was making me ill, so I left. He was also a narcissistic twunt, nothing was ever his fault, which made it all even worse. If resentment has set in, it will get worse, and trust me, bottling it all up doesn't help, it makes it 100 times worse when it all blows up. You need to tell him how you feel.

I am in same position. Live abroad which I think is even harder, I am working full time, taking extra hours where possible. It's unbearably hard and I am almost done tbh. 3 teens thrown into the mix doesn't help either. If it wasn't for the children settled in school here, I would move like a shot back to UK. Just tired of the stress and feeling DH is not doing enough to find another job. Financially we are ruined. I can no longer put on a brave face mostly. It's soul destroying and my only advice is to look after yourself and your own mental health. Fingers crossed both our fortunes change soon !

Mumof3dogs sounds like a very tough time for you. I do think having my own job is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes and being abroad when you don’t want to be must be awful. Sending lots of understanding & really hope you find a way through.