Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

I think there is a gender issue. Men do tend to be more defined by jobs. Women are supposed to cope better.

My DH was out of work for a year and had severe depression, the two were linked, he’s still not acknowledged how har£ tha5 was for me as that would be acknowledging how bad it got.

I coped by making sure I got time away on my own with friends, just a tea or coffee or a walk. I did tell good friends as I needed to vent and ge5 support. It was awful. But it passed, it’s now much better.

Yes I do think employers are probably less forgiving of a man who has taken time out to look after kids. Probably don't quite believe it.

jewel1968 I meant that the stonewalling had all but destroyed our marriage. The job/lack of was a symptom, not the cause - one of the options I had tried and failed to discuss was him becoming a SAHP, and us cutting our cloth accordingly. He was paralysed with fear of failure and wouldn't engage on that or any other plan for the future. I was taking unilateral decisions on huge, life changing things that should have been joint plans but there was a vacuum where my partner was. I gave up my career plan - to move to a lower paid but more flexible role so I could be more present for the DC - and got a higher paid role which means 14 hour days, to buy us time. Unfortunately, time and support, or the fact that his DC were missing our, did nothing to motivate him. In the end I felt like we were living a lie - there were so many no go areas we could only talk about the DC. I told him I couldn't see us staying together as I couldn't see a future if we couldnt make plans, have fun or solve problems together. It wasn't intended as an ultimatum in the manipulative sense, I was in despair and had identified a solicitor to talk to next- but the reality shook him out of his denial.

I do think that in several of the stories on this thread and certainly in mine, the unemployment thing isnt the root cause. It exposed an underlying problem in our relationship. It's that which causes the long term damage.

Onemoreforextra - thanks for sharing. I understand better what you mean.

I do think that in several of the stories on this thread and certainly in mine, the unemployment thing isnt the root cause. It exposed an underlying problem in our relationship. It's that which causes the long term damage.

Having read the whole thread, that really seems to be the case. It seems like hard times are easier to bear if you're already in a partnership that involves good communication and equal respect. The key is to both feel like you share the load (the mental load, the childcare, the housework, as well as the money-getting work) before the loss of a job, so that when disaster happens you know you can just shift the balance of what you're each already doing.

EllaEllaE I think that's it. Well put. Most of the frustration and resentment comes from the way the problems are manifesting in the relationship, not from the problems themselves.

Yes but for many of us on this thread, including me, the spells of unemployment have been going on for many years. So it’s not a clean before/after comparison. Pretty difficult to say whether problems in the relationship were there anyway or are a result of how you have both reacted to very challenging circumstances. It changes you as a person, and the relationship, irrevocably, to live like this over a long period of time.

I agree hoopy, the impact of dealing with long term, moderate stress is huge.
Also, the partner has no control over the situation. I cannot find a job for dh, I cannot make the decision for him to look for any sort of work.
When you feel your dh bears some of the responsibility for the situation then there is bound to be resentment. It’s difficult to be critical because that feels like kicking someone when they’re down.
In the interests of finding an assertive way of dealing with it I have just bought Anne Dickson’s ‘A Woman in Your Own Right’.
I’ll let you know how I get on with it.

I think gender is relevant - lots of men had mothers who didn’t work and fathers who provided for them. That does influence how people see their own lives, even if the influence is minimal or just subconscious.

Your DH will need to take a part time ‘any’ job. 8 months is a long time to have blank on his CV if he isn’t re-training or doing something purposeful like travel.

He could do something smallish (sell on eBay) from home but it sounds as though he would be better off with colleagues. You sound lovely but there’s a danger you are enabling depression to take hold. He needs a change of scene.

The stress part is key for me.

I developed extreme gum disease which ironically cost over £2k to sort out. I have lost 2 teeth and have another on the way out. My dentist said it was stress related.

Having this happen at perimenopause was just dreadful. I ended up having a major panic attack when my work schedule (I travel A LOT) seemed insurrmountable. It was then that I gave the ultimatum.

I also honestly believe that my weight gain and inability to lose it is down to high levels of stress hormone.

I think the gender thing is really interesting. I know lots of men who support their families who don't have panic attacks because they have to go to Stockhom and whose teeth are not dropping out. It is, I think, due to our hard wired expectations of gender roles.

I turned into an absolute witch in those couple of years- so bad tempered and bitter. Starting to take 5HTP and St Johns Wort really, really helped.

I feel sorry for my partner having to do his 'any' job. But I feel lots better and our relationship is much better too.

Has he asked you not to talk to him about this OP? Or is that something you’ve kind of guesstimated. Because if it’s the latter, the reality might surprise you.

We do talk about the practicalities Janetloves & we talk loosely about this being a difficult time for us. We don’t talk in detail about how I am feeling because I don’t want to make him feel even worse than he does already.

Somebody said upthread that you can't get a job for them. Does anyone have as any practical advice that helps someone find a job assuming they ask for help? We are talking 9-10 years out of job market.

my now ex husband who was out of work for a year. Never once said thank you for working extra hours and keeping things together. It was a terrible time, made worse by the fact he wouldn't talk about it after getting sacked. Everything was always about him. No support been there. Write a list of things that are upsetting you.you are entitled to feel how you do. If the tables were turned would he support you?

Jewel, I would say that after 9 years the best advice I could give you is to bury the “glorious” past and start afresh from scratch.

What did it for me was finding a phrase that said something along the lines “there is no point to say you are a ballerina, after 10 years rearing pigs you are not a ballerina, you are a pig farmer”. So I swallowed my pride and started again from the very bottom in a different profession as when it came to my area of expertise I was 200% stuck on catch 22: You are overqualified for junior roles and no one will give you a senior position after spending years unemployed.

Simple as that.

hoopy I can empathise totally with that. You really do need to make sure you have support for yourself. I have occasionally let loose my feelings about the situation but most of the time I suppress it, which is very unhealthy for me.
NotSure, well done to you on starting again. My dh really worries about ageism - are employers really open to giving entry level positions to a man who is almost 50?

TheVeryThing and hoopy- the stress is the part that is killing me slowly. I feel I have aged about 10 years. I am irritable and angry at home with the kids all the time. Always on a knife edge. I ask when I get home to DH what did you do today and get some mumbled response. Never anything constructive. NEVER. I get it's soul destroying, but it is for me too but apparently I don't matter. I am pretty close to calling it a day. I can't live like this anymore and the kids deserve a better me. I have become a bitter, horrible woman and I hate it.
Does anyone have any constructive ideas for getting DH back into work, into searching etc??? I have no hope anymore. 

I really feel for you Tiggy, I wish I could help. My dh is currently doing an MA and in some ways if feel that's just putting a sticking plaster over the problem and I have no confidence that there will be a job at the end of it.
I feel at this stage that it is not my problem to fix, i can talk things through or provide advice but he needs to find a solution.
A serious talk is needed and you need to lay all your cards on the table. Is relationship counselling an option? A safe space to tell him how you feel?
I'm afraid that's where we will end up, that I will be forced to say that I'm prepared to end our marriage.

Thanks TheVeryThing. This has to be the most(only) helpful thread on MN! I think we are beyond counselling tbh.... This is so massive in our lives. And there is no easy solution. I don't want to leave but feel I have no choice anymore. I find it hard to love and respect someone who is not actively doing something to find work. Any work. Cleaning, dog walking, not some executive position. How can that be worse than doing nothing at all??? I am lost tbh how we have got to this stage.

With you on most of that. I agree that the solution has to come from him, not me. I can lightly suggest things - which I am doing. But he has to take ownership of a plan and I still have some hope that he will. Whether that plan works out is a different matter but having a plan at all and committing to it, is for now the biggest priority I think.

I am desperately trying to dig deep, tiptoe around, stay positive & hope that we’ll find a way forward. I like the idea of exploring my own identity through reading etc. In a detached way, I find the gender politics of this situation interesting, maybe we should co-write a book Tiggy & TheVeryThing

On the gender thing do you think women are more likely to do any job to bring the money in? I have been thinking about this and whilst I understand the argument that men's identity is wrapped up in their job role, isn't there also something about society expectation that parents provide and to provide any job will do, which could lead to better more interesting jobs?

I know how you feel. My DH was unemployed for most of last year. I am self-employed and worked ridiculous hours to earn enough money so we could get by. I suffer from anxiety and the situation sent it through the roof. When I told DH how I felt I was accused of "not being supportive". He now has another job and has decided he doesn't want to be with me any more, so I feel like all my efforts have been thrown back in my face. Please try to take care of yourself, even confiding in other people like friends, other family members to get through it.

I'd like to join this thread. We are due to have our first child soon and as I'm self employed will only get maternity allowance if I'm lucky. DH decided to start up his own business and go self employed about 8 months ago and is barely earning anything and talks about how great it is that his "work is flexible". It's not work- he's not being paid!

He's still supporting the household using a small amount of savings but at the moment our income is £0 and he doesn't seem to realise how bad this is- it's stopping me from sleeping. When I try and talk about it it makes things worse.

Worriedgem- welcome , wish none of us were here! I can totally understand how worried you must be when you should be excited about the new baby and everything that brings. I can't offer any advice. I just wanted to say I get it. You have to just worry about yourself right now. Easier said than done I kinow. Does your DH know how you feel? What is his plan financially?

Yes worriedgem, welcome to the club that no-one wants to be in! With a baby on the way, I can really understand how worried you must be. Is he talking up his flexibility because he’s hoping/planning to be the primary caregiver of the baby and you go back into a full time working pattern quite soon after the birth?