Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

Tween, the lack of consultation was the killer for me. My ex told me, in quite a nice way actually, when we were abroad that he knew one thing for sure, and that was that he would not be going back to the UK. Ever.
I had got in so deep that I didn't even see how shocking this statement was - the lack of discussion behind it, and lack of consultation and lack of planning or communication. He had decided for me and for the children. In fact, I just said nothing and worried even more about how to tell him I hated the new country. I was examining my conscience about whether or not I was being controlling, was I being supportive enough, was I giving him and the foreign country a fair chance.
He was also too arrogant to take menial jobs. And when he did work it never lasted, I think he had a problem with authority.
He still cannot see where he went wrong and has mentioned lack of support and lack of luck in a recent message to me.

‘You never feel secure again’.
This really resounded with me.
Yes he is currently working, but I don’t feel secure.
When he comes home and threatens to quit his job, I panic.
He has always had me to support him when he is out of work, I haven’t stayed at home full time since youngest was 8 months old.
He is 55 years old, friends retrenched at his age are still out of work 5 years later.
I don’t think he realises how stressful it is for me.

I agree ImpossibleTolgnore. I have just read another article recommended on another thread and to be honest I now wonder wether we were ever really married for the last decade. There was never really any us or we in the conversation just I or you . I too spent many a night wondering how we had got to this position . We have moved country 4 times in the last 11 years and I have no idea how that happened. Coming back to the UK I hoped for some normality but now he is spending all his time trying to leave again. Meanwhile I have to sit around and wait until he decides what my future will look like again.

Weenurse your last statement terrifies me that is exactly what happened to my father lost his job at 55 never worked again (he retrained in a trade but never really made a proper wage again it was a really tough time). I explained all this to my DH before we left overseas . I wanted him to stay where we were get another job (he was on a 2 year contract so we could see what was coming for a long time, he wasn’t made redundant) head down for the next 3 years and then come back . He would have then been in his 60’s and could have taken early retirement but no he decided he had had enough and here we are!

@changedfor - I agree that many of the comments on here about men would be considered totally unacceptable if they were said about Sahm. I don’t accept that it’s any more difficult to get back into the workplace after taking time off for children than it is after redundancy. In fact redundancy has a stigma that childcare doesn’t which can make it harder. But each have their challenges and Ofc personal circumstances and industry mean each case is different.

I was previously the higher earner and my dp did more childcare and housework than me (but still worked full time). We broke up and I am now a single parent and now the sole provider (and resident parent).

I do at times feel jealous of school mums who have so much more time than I do and are not run ragged trying to do everything. But I try to remember that there are advantages to my situation too - among other things I can choose to do as I want with my money and I feel a sense of pride in being responsible. It’s hard though.

It’s hard to be a relationship with someone who is not contributing financially. But getting a well paid job is never entirely within someone’s control. It might be helpful for some of the women on here to also adjust their expectations that their dh is there to be a “provider”. If he is doing a good job as a sahd why not look at your own career development? It’s something that is at least more within your own control.

I think the key to it is if you are still a team & the person at home pulls their weight - whether male or female.

In my case, I've always worked with young children & did a better job of managing the home situation than my DP does now.

He is home alone Mon-Thu 8-6 & is doing the minimum. The house has never been messier or dirtier, the fridge was empty last week & the laundry basket overflowing.

I would hugely value coming home to a cooked meal, the dishwasher emptied, the laundry done.

And that's where the resentment comes from. The loss of respect. Not liking someone, never mind loving them.

What you say resonates so much MoreProseccoNow. My H is still behaving as if he is working and does nothing around the house. He was very angry when I wanted to keep the cleaner which I pay but there is NO WAY i was adding cleaning or fighting about cleaning to the list of grievances. He does the homework and cooks the prepared meal. He does absolutely nothing else. I really resent it. I am washing clothes - not his I might add as I gave up on that a LONG time ago, folding laundry, paying for all the activities, doing the supermarket runs, planning meals etc. I can have an au pair again to do what he does so I do wonder what value he is adding to the home. Obviously with the resentment I cannot bare him to touch me.

Saying that I did love him and I would really love a happy family life so am trying not to give up on that.

thenightsky - I know 3 months off whilst the children were in camp so just hanging around. Now he was suppose to be doing job search prep and having CBT but did nothing except buy a very expensive car which he promised to sell. Guess what he still has it and is going to justify keeping it as the sales role he is going to get is not going to have a car. It is ridiculous.

exDH was made redundant and that was 8 years ago.
He completed a degree in a high demand area and is still unemployed. It was just a plaster to get out of having a job.

I realised he doesn't want to work. He was fine for me to do it all while while he watched tv and played video games all day.

Needless to say, we aren't together anymore.

No in anyway being sexist, but men work best when they have "actions and fixes" - likely your DH feels disempowered and doesn't quite know what to do next, which demoralises him and undoubtedly frustrates you.

Which leads me to ....

Can you suggests he spends time doing a complete career audit, listing down all skills he has acquired through his career.

Then he can some web research into "Portfolio Career" which is a flexible approach to having various strands to one's career, applying skills to different contexts. So instead of him typecasting himself as "I'm an electrical/gas installations engineer" or "I am a software developer", he recasts himself as "I am a person who has project management expertise/knowledge of Python, .NET, SQL languages/ electronics knowledge/experience in managing teams on 1-2 year projects" etc

By unlocking himself from being a fixed role, it frees him up to look at new openings where he can reapply past skills into new context. Has he tried short term contract work where they need someone to start "tomorrow" - CW Jobs is a great portal.

@Tweennightmare I can't believe the similarities in our stories!
I have to say it does make me feel a whole lot better and not so alone.
I was beginning to think I was being unfair and unsupportive etc
I can see us being in a similar position in another year sadly..

Like others my DH has a specific kind of role in mind ( senior director level)and is determined that it's ok to hold our for it - despite 4 roles being available and he missed out on them all- not at all his attitude and demeanour!

@nightsky
Your DH devoting hours a day to look for opportunities is to me what should be done, not laying in bed until lunch , making a mess around the house and expecting the work to ring the phone for his convenience!

I would like to think that he could take stock of his career and think out of the box and look for something else - not likely at the moment though
Any ideas has had have involved lots of work on my part - like running a pub or a b&b or a kennels business - err no thanks!!

Well folks just wanted to thank those who have added to this thread for doing so-
It has helped me a lot! I feel less weird, crazy and alone in my feelings I hope our DH s can consider how they act and behave really impacts our love and feelings towards them.
Loss of respect is a real love killer!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through or gave gone through. Sounds tough and disheartening.

@ImpossibleToIgnore

You say "when we were abroad" and it sounds as though you and the children are now back in the UK. What is the situation now - are you now actually divorced and working in the UK and he's still dreaming impotently elsewhere?

@Tweennightmare

Coming back to the UK I hoped for some normality but now he is spending all his time trying to leave again. Meanwhile I have to sit around and wait until he decides what my future will look like again.
Sounds like you've been as supportive as possible with all the moves he's initiated. Can you not tell him that you (and your children) need stability and so you won't move again? What is yr current housing situation? Can you work outside the home/check what benefits you are entitled to in the UK? (Eg www.entitledto.co.uk).

Good luck to you all for the future- you all sound so strong but it must be so hard being in the situations you are in, and harder when your partner is not being as realistic as you are having to be. 🌹

Yes, @Happynow001
Exactly that. I have come back to the U.K. Not divorced yet but that is the plan. I shiver when I think what life would be like if the children and I were still abroad with him, as you say, impotently dreaming and living in such a precarious financial situation.

My now ex OH was in and out of employment for years. Made redundant a few times, paid off and asked to leave quietly, sacked, packed one in to 'freelance'. Never updated his training or skills in his field so earning potential dropped a lot as his skills became less sought after. Also had no insight into why he was repeatedly being asked to leave for various reasons. I kept the family afloat and increasingly worked more and more overtime to cover the debt I was accruing due to the shortfalls. He still wanted the same lifestyle out if work while working and I had to keep paying childcare in case he suddenly got work. Didn't pull his weight, procrastinated, told me to stop worrying etc etc. I lost all respect for him when I was doing 60+ hours a week for ages and felt like crying with tiredness and I would come home to children running riot, fuck all been done in the house and him deciding he fancied steak for tea on a bloody Wednesday! Was rude to me and disrespectful of everything I did for the family on top of full time ++ working. Told him to leave which he did eventually and he is the same now he's on his own. Driving a car far beyond his income, living a life he can't afford, being hopeless when it comes to organising contact with the children and doesn't give them any structure or routine. Gives me hardly any maintenance as well yet acts like lady bountiful when he does. I'm better off without him emotionally and financially (I still work long hours but I'm not subsidising his lifestyle as a result). Plus my children aren't growing up thinking that being a rude, grumpy, lazy, entitled waste of time is a good thing.

Thanks for the reply Happynow. Believe me I will not be moving overseas again . We couldn’t even if I wanted to as my youngest is now year 12 half way through A levels. I am just waiting to see if I will be adopting the role of single parent or not again (last redundancy and subsequent job overseas coincided with eldest A levels leaving my single parenting 2 children for 18months while he swanned off to live the single life overseas before we joined him. Luckily I have a job I can do remotely so I am working but don’t earn enough to cover all our expenses so we are dipping into savings slowly and our savings are too high so not entitled to any benefits. My main concern with this is we are both in our fifties now so should really be saving like crazy for retirement not spending it now. I fear a retirement living on baked beans and no heating at this rate!

You are in a tough place Tweennightmare and I hear your worries about the future.

No doubt you've already spoken to Citizens Advice to see if there are any so far unexplored avenues where you might get help.

Also it sounds like you may be working past your State retirement age to support yourself and your children. Have you considered, therefore, deferring claiming your State Pension for as long as possible and therefore getting either a lump sum or an extra monthly payment once you do claim it. I know that this won't help now but thinking of future finances. Speak to Citizens Advice, Pensionwise and/or take a look at this information. www.gov.uk/deferring-state-pension.

Getting child maintenance payments from your DH sounds remote but that may be another avenue to consider when the time comes. Good luck.

I've not been in this position but my ex suffered from depression and I felt myself sinking as a result. I got absolutely fed up of people saying that it was only his problem - it affected the whole family and no, it's not selfish to feel resentful.

I'm surprised that so many of you are staying with your partners when they are doing fuck all around the house and expecting you to support them financially and emotionally and not make any demands of them. It would drive me crazy and I think I'd be out of there. (And I think the chance of the partner coming to his senses and behaving differently with his next partner is really, really high.)

I don't know if anyone else experiences this but I have a lot of rewriting history from my H. I have emails from H explaining he hadn't applied for jobs and yesterday he was like no-one will give me a job. I had to haul him up on this and say well actually you didn't look for a job you told me that in email.

I just find it all so draining and don't know which way is forward.

I would love a sun holiday but I can't balance the books to get one. I find that quite upsetting in a very first world problem type way.

So I am now playing baddy as H emailed looking for cash from me and I have refused. He took money in December and March and I advised in March that there was no chance that I would give more cash and here we are again in May looking for money. I am sick of it. He has a second interview on Wednesday which he is suppose to prepare for and he hasn't done anything. It is like he doesn't want a job.

I had to tell my now ex OH that if he didn't take the job he was offered that he thought was beneath him he could leave there and then. He was full of there will be another amazing job round the corner. He's in the same 'beneath him' job 7 months later. If I hadn't given him his marching orders I would have been propping him up another 7 months on top of all the other times I had done it before then. @OctoberCarrot can you not issue some ultimatums and stick by them?

My OH is at the stage now when he is beginning to realise that he will actually have to lower his sights for a lower paid more junior post. Or take a short term contract job.

It frustrates me because this is what i said he should do months ago!
It's like bashing your head against a wall sometimes 🤦🏼‍♀️

He still is making this all about him and how fragile he is and how with some of the failed interviews, he wasn't in the right place mentally thus it's not his fault.

What he is failing to notice is how it is affecting the rest of the family- therein could be the underlying problem- he's actually a selfish twat!

Heyho, well I feel better after that little outburst at least.
Fingers crossed something comes off in the next couple of weeks so we can make proper plans to move home🇬🇧

I hope everyone else on this thread is making some progress or having some positive news
😃

I get the bot in the right mental place either. It’s all a bit mad and frustrating. He had a full on tantrum this morning. He also expects me to take a half day off work to mind the children and help him. He’s absolutely insane.

Any updates folks ?

Mine is now accepting having to do contract work and is still possibly in the running for a permanent job

Why do I have to tell him to chase the recruiters up/ keep them updated / push them ?
He's happy to sit back and let them do all the work
🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Finally!!Dh has secured a 6 month contract on a good daily rate - phew!

He's unrealistic as to how it will all work but in a month or 2 it will be ok

He's still being a grumpy arse so is as far as I am concerned on probation..
We have found a house to rent for a year so it's a start of a new life for all !

How's everyone else??

God I'm with you, OP.
Dh made redundant/company went down the pan/let go short of 2 years/etc, in total 5 times. Was fuck awful. For me aswell. None of it was his fault. Once, He got a job in Tesco's. Fortunately he always got another job.
But no one understands how awful it is, unless you've been through it.

I am going to say things you probably don't want to hear.

I am thinking of all the senior managers I have seen fired/made redundant/pushed out after year or so. There have been a lot throughout my career (I specialise in turning around failing things). So many incompetents. So many totally incapable of realising it is them who needs to change workplace behaviours. I have also been shocked at how many get new senior roles again, given their repeated ineptitude and resulting fragmented CVs.

That said, I think LinkedIn is reducing their ability to get away with it. People contact other people quietly on the side for senior roles and hear the "oh dear god no, don't go near him." I have had a few of those conversations myself.

Also, as they get older there is more evidence of them being shit so it's harder to get new roles. The excuses are less believable when it keeps happening (who is the common element?).

It can seriously fuck up an organisation to have a shite senior manager. For senior roles it can be months before it is clear this fella can talk the talk but not walk the walk, or is a dickhead under pressure, or can't make a decision, or has some other deficiency that has the whole department underperforming.

Anyway, it's not a pleasant message but if your partner is middle-aged, is in senior roles and keeps getting laid off (when that's not the norm) then you've got a duffer. He most likely suspects it and feels shit about it. Or has a horrendous ego and still believes he's god's gift. You'll know which type.

I'd recommend spending some money on a few sessions with an executive coach for them, who will likely spot the pattern and help them work out which roles might not be a disaster.

Don't hold back your happiness and showing your own joy when you have it. Don't put your life on hold until they get a nice stable senior job again. Assume it will get worse and build your life around that reality so you can salvage yourself and the best of a bad situation.

I often think about their families and whether they are such dicks or are so useless with their wives