Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

@Mumof3dogs currently waiting to hear if he has a second interview. Hate being in limbo.

I think a lot of what @TowelNumber42 says is correct about my DP, sadly.

He is great at putting a front on his depression, but seems unable to function in the long-term & has lost jobs before.

He has now got a new one, after 6 months of being unemployed following a compromise agreement (let go on mental health grounds). It has been a bit tricky in terms of referencing due to this; his old employers have given a minimal reference.

He hasn't been pulling his weight at home either, so I ended up shouting at him in front of the kids (never a good thing).

I've come to realise I can't rely on him & don't want to go through life like this, with constant instability, stress & financial worries.

Am working on my exit strategy as I unfortunately feel that it's just inevitable that he will lose this one.

It's just frustrating getting to the point of self-sufficiency & will involve selling house, moving kids to different schools in a cheaper area. All stressful & with huge consequences (just like living with him, sadly).

My parents were in the same position and ended up losing their (at the time, our) home.

I know my mother found it incredibly tough. She was the main earner, and being a nurse, she doesn't earn a great deal.

She felt a lot of pressure. It also put a lot of pressure on their marriage but they got through it. It was sheer luck how my dad found another job - right place, right time.

She was actually put on anti-depressants during that time. It was a hard time for my dad but also such a hard time for my mum as well.

But they got through it and you will too! It's a tough time, really tough. But it won't last forever.

Glad to hear it worked out for your family, Kirsty - that must have been a tough time.

I think my difficulties lie in that this isn't a one-off event, unfortunately. In the 17 years I have known him he has lost 2 jobs, plus he lost 2 more beforehand. This seems to be a lifelong pattern & I'm fed up carrying the load for someone who doesn't support me.

It's something I would never have signed up for willingly; he kept his depression from me until 4-5 years into the relationship, when I had already moved away from friends & family to be with him. I still feel betrayed.