Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

It does help to hear from people in the same boat. What really gets me is how years of this, on and off, are changing me. I am becoming more pessimistic, and fearing/expecting negative outcomes about all sorts of things, when I used to be quite an optimistic person. It’s a bit frightening really.

I totally get that you feel pessimistic about things. Me too. My experience has changed me and not for the better. I lack empathy now I think- constantly thinking no one else's problems are as bad as mine... Keep thinking why me/us? Damaged my relationship with husband and generally it's all v rubbish! I hate the lack of control I have over DH finding a new job....

Oh Tiggy. I really get it. Living like this over a long period of time can turn you inwards can’t it? Really trying to recognise that & fight it but it’s hard not to get swallowed up in self-pity.

i supported my x for around 10 years while he fannyed about I can tell you i was utterly sick of it and him by the end of it. When he eventually did get a well paid job he buggered off.
I wish I had slung him out long before.

I can totally understand how you feel. My dh is unemployed after years in a creative industry & mixture of part time teaching, art commissions and freelance work.
It has been soul destroying for both of us.
I get so angry when I hear careers gurus advising people to follow their dreams when it has meant 20 years of stress, financial insecurity and uncertainty.
It has triggered 2 bouts of depression for dh and untold stress (and repressed rage) for me.
I tell myself that it makes it easier that we have never been able to rely on his income so it’s not such a great loss.

TheVeryThing sorry to hear how long you’ve lived under this stress. For us it’s been 10 years or so (I count it since the first of his four spells of unemployment as nothing has quite been the same since). So sad that this should have been the prime of our lives, and will cloud my memories of the DCs growing up (they are 10 & 14 now). Both of us try to keep things positive around them but they pick up on things more & more.

Just wish I could somehow readjust my thinking to be more accepting of our lot & grateful for what we do have so if this carries on, I can still find a way to be happy.

how about finding joy in different things op?
autumn colours?
bake a cake?
without sounding trite,
you need a laugh, anything funny on tv?

Hi have you considered counselling to let your feelings out non judgemental? It can really help. I would say he’s probably depressed or frustrated but that doesn’t mean your not you cannot be the rock all the time. let the tears out you have to look after your own mental heath aswell. If you can’t talk to him try someone else who will listen you would be surprised how many people are probably thinking omg how does she stay so strong or keep going don’t bottle it up been there it’s not good for you. Good luck hope he finds something soon and he’s not too old.

My DH was out of work for 2 years after he retired from the Army. Suddenly there was nothing available for a 43 year old with nothing but defence force experience.

I took on a second job - I worked 5 days a week in one job and another 2 days with the other job. I didn't have a single day off for 2 years.

In some ways it wasn't too bad for the family - our kids were teenagers and since there was always someone at home , they were unaffected. And DH was very good as a housekeeper so I didn't have to cook or clean or do the shopping.

But I did get fed up in the end - it seemed that he was getting very comfortable, watching daytime TV and chatting to the neighbours . I told him to get a job or I'd leave. He started mowing people's lawns and ended up forming a little business, looking after gardens and lopping trees. But it was never more than a hobby really . I ended up leaving anyway - his lack of motivation made me lose any kind of affection for him.

I think counselling is a good idea? Would you consider that?
I’m planning to use my work’s employee assistance programme to get some support for myself. I need to find a way to be supportive but still be able to assert my own needs calmly.
I feel totally ground down & im sure you do too (10 years is a long time!).
In our case, it’s not just bad luck but poor choices as well so I feel resentment over that.

Thanks all. Prompted by advice here I had a long offload to my dsis this morning and it helped a bit. I’ll think about counselling too but money is an issue there.

OP and PPs ..my heart goes out to you. I understand as abroad, breadwinner and husband back in UK job hunting.
After much prompting...I have so much resentment as to not have had even a bit of the lady of leisure expat experience.
When we move back to the UK, I'll have to work and not looking forward to rejoining the mess of the NHS.

I've looked into counselling but can't afford it here. I am now on anti depressants.
I try to keep it together for our sons but I spend many a night crying myself to sleep.

I talk to friends/relatives irl but they keep saying all the look on bright side, count your blessings and as we're Christian God has a plan. We'll I've no faith left and have no positive bright sides reserves left.

So no advice but to say I understand..

I think poor choices & low performance may have come into it for my DH too, i’m not sure anyone loses their job over & over down to pure bad luck.

Thanks sandandc sending support & understanding your way too.

Does your employer have a counselling service op?

Have some me time, do something for yourself op

Thanks - employer is a smallish company, so no counselling option there unfortunately. I agree I do need to start looking after myself better. Just need to work out how really. Quite tricky with little energy & not much money.

I just want to say to everyone on here- I understand! It's good to find other people in same predicament (though I wish none of us were here). You are all voicing stuff that I think every single day. I have had one session with a counsellor. Not sure if it will help and can't really afford it but feel like I am cracking up. Need to talk to someone outside the family. Keep you all posted!

@sandandc - do you mind if I ask how much of the "expat man of leisure" experience your husband got? Or was he giving his previous employer their pound of flesh?

Thanks Tiggy. Here’s wishing happier times ahead to all of us going through the same thing

I have been there too. Same story- senior management CV, at age 52 he couldn't get arrested. Nothing for 3 years.

It was hell for me. I am self employed and felt so pressured. My peri menopause started at the same time, so it was a very difficult time.

He was trying to set up a business, which failed to go anywhere.

In the end I had to give an ultimatum. I said I would give up work myself if he didn't get an 'any' job.

He got a very humiliating (to him) minimum wage job.

He then decided to downplay his achievements on his CV and try to get an entry level job in the industry he used to work in. He got offered both his first two interviews.

It is hard for him. He is working with a load of 20 somethings who are just starting out, his managers don't know half what he knows and it is long hours for low pay ( just above minimum wage)

In February we are moving away, realising the equity in our house and starting a little business by the sea. Mainly because it is just not sustainable for him to do an 'any' job for much longer than the 3 years he has been doing it.

It is shit that people are not utilised or wanted after late 40's.

Changedfordoha not sure that’s very fair. Sounds like she has moved countries for his career, and presumably both their expectations were for her to be the non-working spouse.

Changefordoha ..we came abroad for my job... he's had jobs on and off..So I'm the one who has given the pound of flesh..
And often don't do the school run because I dislike how envious I am of the other mums..
And I know how many of them were successful in their careers and had to give it up... I've had quite a few of those heart to hearts wish we vould trade places with other mums

I can list all the positives of him being a stay at home husband/dad...he is great and I am grateful but I'm tired and tired of putting on a brave face hence the rant here..

Hoopy...thank you

Tiggy... I may have to do the same but I know I'd need about 6 sessions (have had counselling before) and know I can't afford it.

Hi hoopy I don't have any experience of this but really hear your suffering. I second a PP's advice to get some counselling for yourself. I know you said that money is a problem, but some GPs can refer you to someone for six weeks free. I did a while ago, saw a lovely woman and she saw me for another four on top. Really helped to talk things through and feel that someone was on my team, as it were. Sounds like that is what you need too.

You may have to wait a while but if you get on with asking for it, the sooner it will happen. Best of luck.

Thanks @sandandc - that's cleared it up, you have in fact pretty much described my own situation with the sexes reversed but a little further down the line. I am now working away again on a very difficult and varying schedule with the stress of a very precarious contract that does not compensate adequately for the work, level of responsibility or time away from family, but that's all there is ...

I am finding it increasingly difficult to be encouraging to my partner as they go through the motions of job hunting while they and everyone else get to enjoy the benefits of my toil while I'm away. I know they'll get something eventually but it's tough to find a gentler perspective when you're under the cosh from a vampiric employer at one end and trying to hold your family together at the other. Your own self care then becomes a very low priority unfortunately.