Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

I don't know if that's his plan but I don't want that. This morning I told him I wanted us to talk about finances and we have just had a brief, initiated by me, conversation about it where he said we are living off savings. I said I feel very vulnerable as I've never not been able to able to earn before and it's coincided with him and now our income is £0. He has agreed to start looking for employment for 3 days a week from tomorrow so he can work on his new business and bring some money in. However that's no guarantee he will actually find any but hopefully it will give him the kick up the backside he needs to realise he needs to start bringing money in. He's never had the best work ethic but has always been a decent earner and I feel he's partly using the new business idea as a smoke screen to hide behind to take the easy option and do nothing which is making me furious.

Gosh, that’s us stressful worried. I think you need to nip this in the bud (easy to say, I know) or you may end up where some of us are a decade or do down the road.
Have you done a budget for childcare & all the other costs?
Looking back, I would have agreed a minimum income by a certain date & a back up plan if it doesn’t work out. Don’t agree to go back full time to support him if it’s not what you want.

No we haven't done a budget. We've always been a bit "free and easy" with money as a couple but now circumstances have changed completely and I am so anxious about things. One thing going for him is that he has always paid the bills and doesn't have debt, but now seems to have thought it acceptable to "start a business" and live off savings. When I say "business" it's not something he couldn't try part time and keep earning at the same time. I really hope tonight will spur him into action and he will start getting some paid employment- my plan is to ask for an update next week and see if there's any progress.

I'm upset that I can't enjoy maternity leave and look forward to things because I have the stress of this hanging over me.

@TheVeryThing that's a good idea about minimum income and agreeing a back up plan- the problem I have is even having a brief discussion with him about this is difficult- he hates talking about it and will just shut it down at the very earliest opportunity.

For example I'll say "I feel vulnerable and we need some kind of income" and he will respond with "fine I'll look for work tomorrow now let's just leave it". If I try to go into further detail he just refuses to engage.

Well done for talking. As you say, easier said than done to find a 3-day week job but at least he has responded positively to your chat. Really hope you are able to relax & enjoy having your baby. Hard & long and horrible as it has been for me, I didn’t have to deal with this at that point in my life.

theverything, he is right to worry about ageism, it difficult to start again and yes, ageism is definitively an issue. But then, you are more likely to progress surrounded by very career aggressive graduates than sitting at home 😕

I have worked in my new “profession” for more than 10 years, I am nowhere near to having the earning power I had 20-25 years ago, but it pays the bills, gets me out of the house, allows me to talk to other adults and IME that has been much better than dying inside slowly, sitting alone at home, getting regular news of unsuccessful job applications.

Ive been here, and you all have my heartfelt compassions. He is now my ex, for reasons not completely unrelated. I struggled with feeling I was being 'hard' or 'mean' but I soon came to realise that far from being anxious to get a job and contribute to the household expenses he was just fine sitting around, watching box sets, tinkering with his hobby and contributing nothing meaningful at all to the home. He was a DP and not my children's' father, but he sponged off me for years. In the end for me it was not the being unemployed, it was te lack of any interest in changing it. You have to ask what the point is of an adult who brings in no money, does no housework, is grumpy 95% of the time and has no interest in changing the status quo. I lost all respect for him, and quickly after, all love or even affection.
It's not the being unemployed, its what they do and how they deal with it, IMHO

Just checking in here to see how everyone is.... had a very bad week last week and a bit of a showdown with DH. Basically said I couldn't take anymore of him not actively looking for work.... I threatened to leave and of course being the weak woman I am, failed to follow up on this. All boils down to the DC. Feel at a total impasse. Had 2nd session with psychologist and even she is at a lose what to suggest in how I deal with it. I don't need to pay someone to tell me that! So life rolls on, with me as a mere passenger . Hope you have all had better times!

That sounds rough, Tiggy, how did your dh react?
I’m away with work until late tomorrow night.
We’re in limbo while dh is doing this masters but he’s stressed & fed up with being at home so much and I’m struggling to sympathise.
A work colleague left last week for a better paid job so that his wife could take a step back from being the main earner. I was so jealous!

Actually I’ve had a slightly better week. Nothing has particularly changed, just that I think airing my feelings here & venting to dsis has helped me feel a bit calmer and better able to cope. It’s a rollercoaster, no doubt the pressure will build again.

hoopyloopy2, Tiggy321 and all - just wanted to say how sorry I am. This is happening to a dear friend and it is very tough for her. I am sure she feels as many of you do and i am never sure what to say or do to support her, but am reading this thread for ideas how I can be more supportive.

I am really surprised there aren't more people posting on this topic. I thought this situation was relatively common now? Maybe not.

Thanks jewel. I think it is common. But in my experience the ‘early’ days of middle-aged unemployment aren’t too difficult to cope with as the spouse, as you’re in full supportive mode & convince yourself this is just a blip that you’ll move on from. So those people may not feel the need for support on a thread like this one.

It’s when job losses start happening over & over again, with protracted periods without work in between that you start to crumble - as the fear, doubts and emotional exhaustion sets in. And it gets harder to seek support from people in rl as it’s just been going on for too long, they don’t know what to say...and you’re trying to pretend that you’re still strong. I guess there are fewer of us in this particular boat, though for me it’s been so so helpful to hear other stories and just to know that others get it.

I know very few people in this situation in real life. Loads have had redundancy but then things have been sorted out relatively quickly and they've moved on. Quite a few women who are the main earner but that can work fine and it's not really an issue in itself for me.
In my case (and others on here) it's years and years of instability, under/un-employemnt, constant insecurity and anxiety, as well as financial difficulty.
If my DH was happy to be a SAHD and was good it it (and all it entails) it would be different.
Basically I'm sick to the back teeth of being in 'supportive wife' mode whilst working my arse off to keep the show on the road.
It has definitely helped me to hear that I'm not alone, and not a complete bitch for feeling as I do.
hoopy, yes yes to not being able to talk to anyone in real life.

I hear you. Yes the financial insecurity is tough - financial limbo I call it. Other people around us make plans for next year, next 5 years etc while I feel like we’ve been stuck in short term crisis mode so much of the last few years. I dread social conversations with other people about holiday plans at the moment. We can only consider holidays when DH is working, as my income only just about keeps us going day-to-day. Thankfully we have savings but without knowing if & when we’ll have more money coming in, we can’t really justify committing to holidays or other luxuries, as I want to keep what we have for DCs university fees etc

This has come at an exceptionally bad time for me. I totally understand everything you say hoopyloopy and the realthing. We are facing dire financial circumstances and just had a talk about selling our lovely house. I am devastated but I know it is the only thing left to do now. I am so distressed and angry I can't even express myself. I work full time but it's not enough. Life is v expensive where we live (not Uk) and our outgoings are more than I earn. I have NO idea what the future holds but at the moment none of it looks good. DH is broken and so depressed. I can't even be angry at him anymore as he is so distraught. Need to get some debt management advise and try to put one foot in front of the other. I just want to climb into a dark hole and not come out! I wish you all well.

Wishing you a way out of this stage Tiggy. Sounds like you’ve hit a real low point. Hope the debt management advice gives you some constructive way ahead.

You are right there isn't much talked about this scenario in RL or on the net. I have looked. Do any of you ever wonder if you are an enabler? In my case I went from PT to full time and secured 2 promotions. All to try and keep the wolf from the door. But I can see the wolf every day. I often wonder what would have happened had I not secured the promotions.

What do you think would happen if either you couldn't work (for whatever reason) or were made redundant and followed a similar path to the path your DH followed?

I ask partly as I have health issues that are likely to get worse which could result in not being able to work.

That's really rough Tiggy, I can't imagine how stressed you are. I know what you mean about not being able to be angry at your DH.
I am fortunate that, because I have always worked, I have a decent salary and we can manage on that (but it is just managing).
jewel, I think I'm definitely an enabler and i need to work out how to stop it. My job is a secure as it could be but I worry about ill health and retirement. DH as virtually no pension and not much time to accumulate one.

Yes my own mh has taken a battering recently. Really can't take anymore. I actually phoned in sick to work today (something I have only done 1 or twice in 7 years when I genuinely was sick). Just couldn't face going in. I know I have to go back tomorrow.
I need to take action as feel so helpless. If I am taking some action then hopefully I will feel a bit more in control. Next step is to find out what action to take! Just think about what a totally shit Christmas my kids are going to have and that gets me all upset again. Arghhhhh. Hate being a gown up

Yep Christmas looming large in my mind too.

Jewel you mentioned not finding much online about this situation. An article which has resonated with me is this one - about the role/impact on the wife or female partner of unemployed men. It doesn’t cover specifically long-term/repeated unemployment scenarios, but interesting all the same and resonated with me on several points. gendersociety.wordpress.com/2017/03/01/the-woman-behind-the-man-unemployed-men-their-wives-and-the-emotional-labor-of-job-searching/

Interesting article. Would like to share it with my husband but feel sure that he will say I have shown no emotional support over the years. In his eyes I have just interfered ! And his joblessness is partly down to me as I don't boost his confidence enough/ ever! But I want him to realise the emotional toil it's taken on me too - hugely impacted how I look at and feel things now.

Hmmm. I do talk about the worry but it doesn't seem to be heard. I hate Christmas, holidays, events at work where people think cos I am pretty senior I must be flush and so expect me to pay for stuff. Occasionally I say 1 salary 5 mouths. I am sooooo tired of it all. The lack of fun. The constant worry. The feeling you are letting kids down. The exhaustion. The constant wondering what I can do, what I should have done .. The debt.

I echo everything you say jewel. The lack of fun is a big one. I have cancelled 2 years in a row my annual meet up with my best friends from school/ uni. They offer to pay of course but tbh I can't face hearing about their happy, successful lives. And for sure they are fed up of hearing about my situation.
I just keep thinking I didn't sign up for any of this.....it's really not too much to expect your husband/ partner in life to work is it?!

I spoke too soon when I said DH had a 6 month temporary contract, it finishing after 2 months, he’s only got 2 weeks left.
I was just starting to relax and stop fretting about money.
He’s going to be unemployed again just before Christmas.