Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

I do think gender conditioning is a part of this, maybe men just find it harder to cope and adapt when they are faced with a career hurdle.

We ALL do, look at how many SAHMs stay off work because they do not find the perfect job to suit their every whim???

The truth is that we all have the luxury to be pickers and take our time to find a suitable job when we have someone to pick up the bill and keep a roof over our heads.

Take that person/savings/benefits out of the equation and ANY job that can bring an income is a dignified option.

Still not sure where you are coming from? Are you the main earner and feeling resentful? If so, I don’t understand why you think you’re in a different position to most of us on here.
As has already been said, giving up work to look after babies and toddlers is very different and it’s not so easy to re-enter the workforce.
Our kids are in school now but my ideal scenario would be both parents working 4 days or so per week and sharing the domestic load equally.

@TheVeryThing quite the opposite, I think I'm in a very similar position to many of the people posting here.

To be fair women do this all the time choose to be a SAHM and let their partner pick up the bill.
Men seem to get judged more harshly when they stay out of work.

Again, none of these men chose to give up work to do the hard slog of caring for babies and toddlers. It is not the same.
Quite frankly I don’t give a flying fuck what other people do.
This thread is about the op and those of us in similar situations.
changed if you’re in the same boat why did you not join the thread to listen and empathise, like the rest of us?
I suspect you assumed that as women we were all SAHMs wanting to be kept in a good standard of living by our poor husbands. If you had read our posts properly you would have seen that most, if not all, of us are in full time work. You certainly berated Tiggy based on a false assumption.

I berated Tiggy based on her opening sentence.

TheVeryThing - thanks for defending me 😉 I do work full time (was a SAHM for 6 years by mutual agreement) but still not earning enough to keep our heads afloat.... it's all very shit for us all. Let's just do what we know best- one foot in front of the other, keep on going....... I am not playing a martyr as husband says in arguments. Just doing my best. If he could get something, anything... that income would be hugely helpful. But most importantly his self esteem would be better....

Changed- oh because I said I wanted to strangle him (metaphorically speaking obviously). It is the utter frustration of watching someone you love, lose their self esteem, their drive, their identity....It drags everyone down and down. And the lack of any kind of plan to get out of it and the lack of ability to take any advice from anyone.... So excuse me if I spoke harshly

... and that, I understand and empathise with completely. I am running out of ways to express support and give advice to my partner when it just keeps leading nowhere, I can't help feeling that the urgency is reduced as financially we are surviving (just) but it's extremely precarious, we have little in the way of savings to call upon at the moment, so even something small would soon start to add up. But every time it's another reason for not taking it forwards, the urgency just isn't there.

@OneMoreForExtra

With all due respect it sounds like you're more conditioned by traditional roles than your partner. You say you threatened to leave your husband and take his children away from him if he didn't essentially 'up his game'. Classy.

If he was a friend of mine I would have advised him to call your bluff and divorce you. Then as the primary breadwinner you could enjoy paying child support/maintenance and only seeing your kids part-time. Then we'd really get to see your 'hustling' skills put to the test.

How could she leave her kids with him if he cannot even support himself and is not acting as a SAHD either?

@NotSureThisIsWhatIWant

The same way millions of primary breadwinner men have to act after they get divorced. They have to adjust their lives and expectations. Move to a nice little rented flat, still pay the mortgage on the family residence and see the kids part-time. Them's the breaks of equality.

He currently earns only 25% of what she earns and this has meant that he has lost her 'respect'. Apparently intimacy is no longer on the table anymore either. Any man reading her post would definitely understand that what they were brought up to be told is true. You are what you earn. I wonder if he earns more will he get to sleep with his wife again?

'He currently earns only 25% of what she earns and this has meant that he has lost her 'respect'. Apparently intimacy is no longer on the table anymore either. Any man reading her post would definitely understand that what they were brought up to be told is true. You are what you earn. I wonder if he earns more will he get to sleep with his wife again?'

Erm, what the problem really is, is that he has done dribs and drabs of work/been under employed for TEN YEARS. It took the threat of her leaving for him to up his game.

But yeah, you're right, as soon as he's on an executive salary plus perks she'll open her legs for him again. (Sorry poster/s who is/are going through this.)

So he can't get any job? Or is that he won't apply for any job as it's beneath him? Why does he get to be irritable and moody and angry and you have to put up with it, but when you need support you have to go to your sister or you're 'adding to his burden'? What burden is that? He's an adult. His behaviour isn't on. Are there young children at home, and he's being a SAHP? It's odd that you can't even talk to him about your valid feelings because he's such a delicate flower. But you sound happy in your role of enabler so best of luck with that.

Hereharehere1 ignoring the deliberate goadiness of your post (why so hostile? projecting much?) it's as ToEarly has it. I found myself being stonewalled by someone who's supposed to be a partner as you go through all of life's ups and downs, but actually won't face problems in his career and finds the alternative, of sinking lower and lower into a pit of lost confidence, eroded self esteem and missed opportunities, easier to face. I'm the one in an executive role and have earned more than him from the start of our relationship- and have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the lonelibess of being the sole decision maker / forward looked/ planner and dreamer in a relationship with someone who's hiding from reality. We were maintaining all the expenses of a dual income arrangement (childcare, cleaner, 2 cars) on a single income, to maintain the illusion that it's just a slow patch for him. In the end, our lack of ability to communicate meaningfully about this spread to all areas of our lives, and he was so closed down that he'd change the subject if any intimate or emotional topic was raised. He was completely miserable. We'd run off the end of God knows how many 6 month plans, offers to support him to retrain, move house to somewhere better for him, pay for a business development consultant, see a doctor for possible depression etc. We were over. I told him I couldn't pretend any more. It was the only thing worse for him than trying. So he started to try. He's much happier, and so am I. But the effects of that time don't vanish - ultimately I know I can't rely on him.

@OneMoreForExtra

I've been lucky that I've been employed for my all my adult life so far, so haven't had to experience what your partner has. He has my sympathies though as I have friends and family whose working lives haven't worked out the way they hoped or planned it would.

It was your blinkered comments on gender conditioning I found amusing. Criticising them in one breathe and then seemingly reaffirming them in the next with the need for your partner to be a better provider.

As you say though you simply wanted a partner to go through life's ups and downs with. Just as long as the downs aren't too low. Anyway, I'm glad he's feeling better and hopefully if the roles ever find themselves reversed you don't get issued with an ultimatum of divorce and the taking away of your children.

'hopefully if the roles ever find themselves reversed you don't get issued with an ultimatum of divorce and the taking away of your children.'

Interesting. If that were to happen, let's hope she tests her husband's patience wrt looking for work and being despondent about her options despite endless support and suggestions. All whilst their financial position is floundering and him feeling like a mug.

In fact my crystal ball tells me this is exactly what he said:

We were over. I told her I couldn't pretend any more. It was the only thing worse for her than trying. So she started to try. She's much happier, and so am I. But the effects of that time don't vanish - ultimately I know I can't rely on her.

This is a post-affair level of trust/distrust.

Onemoreforextra - can you epand a little on:
'We were over. I told him I couldn't pretend any more. It was the only thing worse for him than trying. So he started to try.'

It could have meant the one thing worse than not having a job was not having his marriage. So, pretty much under extreme provocation/blackmail he decided to properly engage with the process of looking for / finding work.

If that's what it took, I'm not surprised onemore feels she can't rely on him, even now.

My DH has lost his job at least 3 times due to redundancy and once due to an agreed termination.

Each time he’s been off for a while and it’s been hard work both mentally and financially!

It’s hard work being the only wage earner and carrying the mental load. DH also did little in the way of homework, filling his time with his own annoying ‘projects’.

He’s in a 6 month temporary post now but as he’s coming up for 57 it’s going to get harder every time.

Tooearly - I thought that is probably what was meant too. Do you feel that is an ultimatum too far?

OP here. Wow this ended up being a bit of a gender divide. Didn’t intend that. I’m not saying for one second that it’s harder for me than for DH, or in our case that he’s not trying to find work. It is devastating for him and he is doing his bit. My intention was to highlight that the partner of the long-term/repeatedly unemployed person has a totally horrible time too. And the specific difficulties that it brings to be that person.

Changedfor it is not at all the case that DH ‘supported me’ through the childbearing years. You sound very bitter. We jointly agreed that I would take maternity leave and then work part time while also doing the other job of bringing up our very young children - therefore taking a step down in my career prospects in the process (I have since built hours back up but realistically those years meant I continued to have less earning power than him). He could then pursue the more senior career path. For many couples that is the case, not a case of the woman being lazy & enjoying coffee mornings a bit too much.

I don't think gender is that relevant. Or am I missing something. I know the worry of being the sole earner - 9 years. I imagine the worry would be the same if I were male.

jewel gender for me is a relevant point - i do think it’s harder for men to be long-term or repeatedly unemployed as their identity is more defined by their job. And some pps seem to feel that their partners have fallen into a state of inactivity, lethargy & depression as a result - when perhaps they themselves would behave differently.