Being the partner of an unemployed DH

[hoopyloopy2]

It’s just sh*t isn’t it? 8 months since DH lost his job. It’s horrible for him at age 46, and the 3rd time he’s been made redundant in his career. I have been the rock he says and so does everyone else, done what I can to hold it all together, working longer hours myself...treading on eggshells when he’s inevitably moody & angry...boosting his confidence, given him my support for retraining....I could write the book - 3 times over.

But I don’t want to be the rock, I’m fed up with it. I can feel my reserves of compassion & patience getting very low, resentment & unhappiness are setting in - not just in and around his job situation but in everyday stuff. There is very little joy in our lives these days. But of course I can’t talk about that with DH as I have to be understanding of his feelings & remain the strong one, can’t add to his burden.

He is doing lots around the house & looking for jobs. Researching a retraining option too, but doesn’t think it will pay well enough. Poor guy is doing what he can. I know I just need to pull up my big girl pants & try to dig deeper to get on with holding our lives together until things get better. Can’t really talk to anyone in rl as I just burst into tears if I try. No answers I don’t think. I guess I’m just looking for people going through it to say they understand.

Sorry Cressida. That’s rough. It’s crushing when you feel like you might be getting back on track, but the wheels come off again. Hope you can both regroup.

In our case dh has an interview next week for the first time in months. He is prepping madly and getting very stressed and anxious, understandable but hard to live with. I don’t know if I dread more the fallout of him not getting the job, or him getting it - and then not keeping it again. As I said in an earlier post, one of the worst things about being in this cycle is that I have lost my sense of optimism and confidence in him.

I found the full research study which was the source material for the article I posted earlier. So many bells ringing right now.
ink.library.smu.edu.sg/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3810&context=soss_research

I've a 14 year old and a 14m old, I returned to work FT when LO was 8m old, I was made redundant 4m later after 20 years with the company. I managed to find a better paid job by the end of the month, I'm 37 and the job hunt was soul destroying and there were a few comments about my age I.e. having a manager younger than me, how would I feel etc, so while I understand your husband's position here's the flip side; DP is a US Citizen and the immigration process is taking longer than expected, he can only be here 6m of the year. He gave up his career for a chance at our life together. So while he's there he's looking for work anywhere, he's not finding any. Meantime I'm raising 2 kids (Only 14m is his, 14yo dad contributes virtually nothing), trying to keep him upbeat and working myself into the ground. I'd like to end it with him, while he adores all of us that isn't going to pay the bills and the resentment is building. Our LO adores her daddy and I'm trying to make it work, but when I fall into bed at night after only seeing my girls for a couple of hours I feel terrible. I've no advice OP but your feelings aren't unreasonable. We need support too.

Sorry to hear all this BippityBoo. Not sure what to say, just wanted to say I hear you and get the resentment you are feeling. It's a tough one.
hoopyloppy- Goodluck to your husband. Brilliant he has an interview at least. A distant dream for my husband! But yes keep managing your expectations!

Yes sorry to hear your story Bippity. Just wanted to say that I am so glad I started this thread and thanks to all of you for sharing your situations, advice and feelings too. It has made me realise that suppressing my own fears & stress completely was not a sustainable plan! Being able to open up albeit anonymously here, feeling less alone, and doing more thinking and reading about being the wife/female partner in this particular situation is helping to make me understand that I am not a horrible unsupportive b*tch (dh has never called me that btw to be clear - just what I was thinking of myself in darker moments). And to validate the way I am feeling and behaving. Hopefully that will also make me stronger & better able to cope with whatever comes next. Tiggy hope you feel stronger today & were able to go back to work?

Yes back at work. Live to fight another day!!

For better or for worse

Remember your vows

Yes it is hard. Mines been out of work since January. He's trying but barely getting any interviews. I know he applies he gets me to check his cover letters etc. He's older which I don't think is helping. I was made redundant last year from a job I loved and been in 2 awful ones this year which isn't helping. Just got to keep on keeping on. I feel very resentful at times I have a chronic condition that makes me tired. He is such a good bloke though and he's kept me going through my awful jobs. We are a partnership and he does almost everything at home at the moment. Just hoping for a better year next year.

@hoopyloopy2

The reason there is little joy is directly linked to the job loss. Unless there are relationship issues you need to discuss with OH.

As a degree qualified technical professional, I was made redundant. Spent 13 months out of work. I'm owe my parents £20k+. I picked up a really terrible job with a horrid boss. I lost that job and spent another 6 months claiming JSA. Now I have a new one I'm enjoying.

And just when I thought things were getting better after 13 months claiming JSA, I discovered my wife was shagging her workmate within 10 days of starting my last / horrible job. She wanted a seperation and left me for her affair partner.

Treat your OH the way you'd like to be treated if the situation was reversed. Enjoy having all the housework done.

It truly is soul destroying and demasculating to be out of work. He sees himself as a failure by failing to provide.

If you think your suffering, try on his shoes

ss77 sorry that happened to you.

I couldn’t agree more that this is soul-destroying for him. If you look back at all my posts you’ll see I haven’t suggested otherwise. He is doing his best and I really do get how awful it is for him.

But that’s why I posted. Most people, including me, appreciate how tough it is for DH. They ask how he is...how hard it must be...how strong I am being. My point is that it is ALSO bloody hard to be the supportive partner of an unemployed husband when it’s repeated and over the long term - which is not always recognised.

@hoopyloopy2

Make hay when the sun shines.

It's not all about money / earnings.

Relax. Enjoy life. Don't let economic circumstance dictate your family life.

You can't control his chances of getting a job. He knows it. You know it.

For better for worse. 👍🏽

Don't let something you can't control, impact your feelings for him.

All the best.

Anyone got any good news/ updates?

For us after interviews for 4 positions he still doesn't have a job
We have been told that it is a "fit" issue whatever that is . To me it's that he could do the job but his personality would cause issues.
Recruiters wouldn't say anything negative or constructive which to me is frustrating.
He has convinced himself that he needed too much money or that the job was too small for him.
Back to the drawing board again and chances are he will have to go interim which is 6 months here and there - not secure -argh!!

Hope to hear some good news from others

I know how hard it is to be out of work. Primary school teacher with 15 years' experience and can't even get to interview. The feeling of being a failure is overwhelming.

Hi all. OP here. Thanks for asking @Mumof3dogs. In our case there has been good news. DH started a new job in February - a pay cut with a long commute but it’s a different industry which he feels he can be more passionate about. Obviously it is a massive relief for him and for me. I am so proud of him for keeping going.

We are slowly trying to rebuild as the stress has taken its toll in lots of ways. And I think when you’ve been through this multiple times, you never feel secure again. So who knows what will happen in the future.

I thought about posting an update here but didn’t want to jinx it or rub others’ noses in it - because I know how bloody hard it is obviously...being the one to start the thread!

But hopefully this might help somebody reading this, to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Thinking of you all still in the thick of it.

Wow what an eye opener of a thread. I thought I was alone but sadly it seems I am not.

This is week 53 of unemployment. I am despairing beyond belief. My H says I am unsupportive. I say that he is not active enough. He took 3 months off last summer which I didn't agree with. Then he failed to actually apply for any jobs until February and since then it has been very half hearted.

We have done marriage counselling where he promised the earth moon and stars and failed to anything. He won't go back.

I have started individual counselling to try and work out what I want and to stop being so angry at the world. I am constantly angry.

I hate the situation and I am beginning to really hate my H.

On reading this post I was struck by how few of these senior guys seem to be prepared to look sideways at self employed consultancy or taking a bit of equity and buying a franchise in an established business etc. If they have good business skills and contacts and work at it, you CAN be successful in some of the strangest businesses, ok it’s a bit of a risk, but so is sitting there doing bugger all

I was on this thread late last year but have name-changed.

DP was made redundant earlier this year, and has had a few interviews but nothing has transpired.

He also has depression, which is treated now, but is the cause of his job loss.

He's been home full-time since late January & the redundancy payment is running out. I am working, but we have 2 young DC & have had to keep paying for childcare in case he gets a job as there are long waiting times locally (if I give up places won't have childcare so it's catch 22).

He is doing minimal amounts round the home; it has never been messier or dirtier. The vast majority of the time, he is not cooking or cleaning, but doing his hobbies & lazing round the house. And he is home full-time

The resentment has totally killed my feelings for him. If he was pulling his weight at home, that would be a valued contribution. But he isn't.

I just want to run for the hills.

But I cannot afford the house on my own, he can't afford anything either without a job.

I'm trying to get a job elsewhere (cheaper area) & separate - frantically checking the jobs page daily but I work in a small profession so there isn't a lot of work out there.

I just want to run for the hills.

MoreProcesscoNow - sorry to hear you are in similar circumstances. I am busily applying for new jobs to improve my personal financial circumstances and prospects as I am not prepared to wait around whilst himself dosses around. He is doing some stuff around the house but really it is minimal so he minds the children in afternoon and serves up the dinner I prepare but everything else is left to me. There are a few jobs that could be done around the house - painting here and there but he wants us to do that together. So I work all day, come home tidy house and then do DIY whilst you do what all day? I have no clue.... He is definitely on another planet.

@OctoberCarrot - do you still have feelings for your DH?

Unfortunately mine have been killed off by years of living with his depression/underemployment/financial stress & lack of engagement.

I'm still part of this gang as DH is still unemployed 🤦🏼‍♀️

To me he really isn't trying hard enough and as others are finding, this kills off my respect and then love for him.

He's so busy feeling sorry for himself that he can't see how this affects me and DS who is studying hard for his exams to finish school.

I have been accused of being uncaring as I don't fuss around him and get on with my own thing or in reality what is needed to get on with life in the real world!

We live abroad and have to move back to the UK pretty soon- rules of where we are..
And who is the one who is now sorting through the boxes of stuff we still have from previous moves and finding ways to get rid of or sell stuff?? Bingo!! Me again!
His pathetic comment the other day? I'm staying out of the way to help you aka I'm too lazy to try to help you !
Rant over ..

Anyways , there is a chance for another 2 jobs, let's hope one comes off before we have to move back.
At this stage I think he should take a job if it's offered ; he's now 57 so being realistic can't afford to be choosy as the gap in his CV is growing by the day .
My bet? He will say one is not at the right level and the next we will find that he's not the right fit for the company he has applied for 🤦🏼‍♀️

Wish me luck!
Thanks to MN I am also sorting all paperwork out pre move so all my ducks will be in a row.
I will give him a chance but once the dust has settled and boxes are unpacked, I am not holding out much hope for us as a couple.
The thought of another 25 years with someone like this fills me with dread!

Gosh - I can relate to you all so much.
My OH has been unemployed for 7.5 years now. I'm done. I've told him it's over. Now he has to find a job to support himself but it's too late for me. I feel too resentful

MoreProseccoNow. I don’t know? I don’t respect him. We fight so much. He’s a broken man and it’s hard to see him so down. I’m hoping he gets work soon and I can seperate my feelings about his lack of work and him. We will see how that works.

My story is similar. Except I have now left my husband. After a patchy employment history he became self employed but his business never got off the ground. He persisted for seven years with it. He told me, there is no Plan B. This is it, I know it will work, just you wait and see. My earnings kept us afloat. In the end he was earning nothing and paying for nothing. But according to him his big breakthrough was always imminent, so close he could almost smell it. And every time I got stressed he told me to have faith and relax.
It slowly killed off my feelings not just for him but for life. I felt so trapped, so frustrated, so not listened to. His pride got in the way, he became totally focused on it to the point of insanity in my opinion. Any reasonable person would have thrown the towel in or just kept it going on the side while picking up a job. Any job.
Instead he was at home all the time. Then he wanted us all to emigrate and went abroad. I tried it, hated it and yet again, there was no money. I came home and ended it shortly afterwards.

Actually he wasn't useless around the house and He was good with the children etc but there was this big gap between how he seemed to think his business was going (or what he told me) and the reality. And I thought, what happens when the children go to school, whose fault will it be then that his business hasn't done better. It was always someone else's fault. HMRC. A customer who was a poor payer. A deal he narrowly missed out on.

It had become not just a financial problem but a communication problem. He would not listen to me.

Do I feel better now we're apart? Yes, it was the right decision for me. Being a single parent is hard financially but for me there isn't much difference, if anything I'm better off. And I'm in control and don't have to be feel like a nag/ negative /ye of little faith.

However he is still abroad, hasn't been paying maintenance and has at the eleventh hour FINALLY admitted that he is penniless and soon to be homeless and at the end of the line. So no, I don't feel good about that. I called his bluff and wish I had been wrong about him/ the situation. It's impossible for me to suddenly not care. But I am so glad I "escaped".

Glad I found this thread. I think mumof3dogs and I are leading parallel lives . We were abroad also for 10 years .Last placement DH took a 2 year contact which finished last year. He was really keen to get back to the Uk but never really planned what he was going to do when he got there
Having had a father who lost his job when he was in his fifties (DH is 57) and never worked again I was particularly concerned about having some sort of plan but he just brushed my concerns aside.
Well we will have been back a year in June and he is still unemployed and our marriage is effectively over . I think he blames me for not being supportive enough and I blame him for not listening to me and taking in my concerns. I think this situation has really highlighted our differences. I wanted him to take a small job locally (we have enough savings such that a small part time job would suffice which would allow time for hobbies etc ). He regarded most of the jobs I suggested as demeaning and below his station! He has been looking for similar professional jobs to what he had abroad (he was a director) none of which are local most are overseas or other side of the country which would leave me effectively a single parent , there has been no consultation on this and it is is not what I want. I am expected to just suck this up. So far he has had no success with this job hunt which has resulted in him becoming more detached and I think now he actually blames me as he knows this is not what I want. Anyway I have had enough i can’t cope with it anymore. I often wonder if this hadn’t happened wether our marriage would have survived but I guess there is always some catalyst which causes a marriage to break down I guess this is ours.
But this thread has been really helpful for me to see others have also found this situation difficult as it is very easy to think that maybe I haven’t been supportive enough , maybe I am being selfish or giving up too easily etc

OctoberCarrot How can he take 3 months off from doing nothing?

My DH has been made redundant 4 times in our marriage and always at difficult times such as my mat leave or just as we've paid for a house move etc.

He's always treated each redundancy as a job in itself by getting up at his normal working time and putting in an 8 hour day on applications and CV tailoring to fit. Its been bloody scary at times and I still panic like mad if he turns up with flowers (his default, sorry I've let you down and lost my job).