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Original poster

DP struggling with my children

304 replies

trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:09

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 02/11/2018 19:12

Six months is quite a short time to be spending time away with your children, I can understand he finds it difficult but you obviously come as a ‘package’ so either you accept that it isn’t right for any of you or you just ‘date’ him occasionally without him having any involvement with your children.

NC4Now · 02/11/2018 19:13

It might just not be right, you know. Have you spoken to him?
Does he want children or has he just tolerated you having them because he wants you? I’d be really worried by this.

gamerchick · 02/11/2018 19:16

Well it doesn't bode well for the future really. He doesn't have the right to tell them off or even parent them. Kids not yours are hard work and that's not even with ASD in the mix.

Maybe dial back the relationship and just see him without the kids ATM and do not under any circumstances get pregnant to him.

He may decide it's not for him when you get back. You may need to have a chat.

Oddcat · 02/11/2018 19:16

If he’s struggling now , I can’t see it getting any better , in fact it’ll get worse , especially if he’s telling them off already - what will he be like with them in the future ?

CottonTailRabbit · 02/11/2018 19:16

He's casual boyfirend material not step father material. If you are OK with that then just stick to meeting up without the children and have some fun.

Adviceandguidanceneeded · 02/11/2018 19:18

Call it a day , this is the honeymoon period he won't cope living together.

AhNowTed · 02/11/2018 19:19

He hasn't earned the right to tell your kids off. Why are you even allowing that.

6 months is no time.

And agree with PPs, this doesn't bode well.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:20

He and his ex weren’t able to have children. I think he would if he could.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/11/2018 19:20

I'd be Hmm at him telling off my kids, when a, you're supposed to be away having fun and b, when he hardly knows them, much less is in a parental role. He should wind his neck in.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:21

When I say telling off, I mean things like telling them it’s not ok for them to splash into puddles that then splash him. Or for them to make noise that might annoy the neighbours.

OP posts:
Sethis · 02/11/2018 19:21

It's a side of him you haven't seen before because in the previous six months, he probably hasn't been stressed, harassed, and put under pressure over his parenting ability.

Don't for a moment think that this is the "real" him. This is him very far from his comfort zone, and doing something he's not only never done before, but also is desperately trying to make work perfectly. Of course he's struggling to manage their behaviour. You've had 9 years to know how to deal with ASD. He's had, before now, what, 9 hours?

Talk to him about the best way to get the kids to do what he wants without making it an exercise in telling off. What behaviour management strategies do you normally use, and does he know what these are? Does he know the best way to get your kids to focus on a specific task, and how that's different from getting them to just be calm and quiet in general? How much did you talk about parenting styles with him before you went on this trip?

Further to that, what do you know about his own parents? What was his Dad like? What was his Mum like? Does he have any siblings? What is his experience and expectations of a "family"? Are they the same or different to yours?

Reassure him that this isn't a make-or-break test or exam to see if he can be a good father. Explain that you love him regardless and so long as he doesn't slap them or swear at them, he'll be just fine. Talk to him about when YOU want to be the one in control of the children's behaviour, and when do you want HIM to be in control. Are you taking turns, or are you just both reacting as individuals as and when problems arise, with no agreement on who deals with what and when?

We (men) tend to react much better if we know that there is some kind of plan in place, some strategy. Just tossing him 2 young boys and saying "Deal with this" really isn't particularly fair.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:22

I may have a much lower threshold than him. But that’s because I’ve been a parent for 9 years and I accept that you pick your battles. It feels like he hasn’t learnt that yet.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 02/11/2018 19:23

Your examples are irrelevant OP, that's your job, not some short term boyfriends.

Sethis · 02/11/2018 19:25

And holy shit, the people telling the OP to dump him, or say this means he's be a shit father.... you're deluded.

Nobody, when exposed to 2 children under 10, one of whom has ASD, is going to react perfectly, if it's the first time in their entire life they've spent time as an adult with children.

Him not knowing what to do doesn't make him an ogre. It makes him scared and confused and inexperienced. Fucks sakes.

Fairylea · 02/11/2018 19:25

This is only going to get worse.

Run.

Your children will forever be living on a knife edge trying not to upset him.

6 months is also very early to be trying to blend into a family type set up.

My dh met my dd when she was 5 after about a year or so of dating. At first we just had casual cinema trips etc together. We have been together 10 years now and have a son - who has asd- together. Never ever did I have feelings like you have about his behaviour towards my dd.

AhNowTed · 02/11/2018 19:27

Sorry @Sethis but at 6 months this boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with the parenting of these kids.

Sethis · 02/11/2018 19:28

@AhNowTed

So then why is the OP making him be a parental figure? Why is she then complaining he isn't doing it the way she wants?

category12 · 02/11/2018 19:30

As per pp, it's your job, not his.

And as long as he's not slapping or swearing at them is a bloody low standard, Sethis Hmm He barely knows the kids, he should be getting to know them, not telling them off.

He doesn't sound like he has much of a sense of humour/sense of fun, if he's going to get stroppy about a bit of splashing.

AhNowTed · 02/11/2018 19:31

@Sethis because she's making a big mistake.

He's nothing to them, and I can't fathom why he's being allowed to stick his beak into the parenting of these kids.

Ragwort · 02/11/2018 19:33

Who’s idea was it to all go away together? It does seem incredibly quick to be ‘holidaying’ with your children if you have only been dating for 6 months.

TwitterQueen1 · 02/11/2018 19:34

FFS @Sethis "Talk to him about the best way to get the kids to do what he wants" Why the fuck should the OP's kids do what HE wants.....

Are you for real? He is not the parent. His will does not come #1.... I could go on but I would probably be banned...

Haggisfish · 02/11/2018 19:37

I would have been shit at accepting children in a relationship when I didn’t have any, because I just didn’t get them or parenting, despite trying. I do know I would not accept this from a future partner. I chose to have dc, they always come first. No dp is learning through my dc by being crap to them.

Haggisfish · 02/11/2018 19:38

And yy to six months being incredibly quick. I would be contemplating years before going away together!

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:39

I wouldn’t say he is responsible for disciplining them, he tells them off for things that annoy him that to be honest don’t really bother me. I do discipline the children for the serious stuff that needs to be dealt with. I am also mindful that my eldest has ASD and needs to be managed in a different way, which I know would be tricky for him to understand because it’s been trial and error for me too. Therefore it’s not like he is stepping in before me to resolve an issue; to me the stuff he is nitpicking over is a non issue.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 02/11/2018 19:40

It’s really hard when you’re not a parent to spend time away with someone else’s child. I have vivid memories of struggling with it the first time with DSD. A few hours is very different to going away.
Unless the way he’s telling them off is overly harsh then I’d give him a break; the example of a puddle is something some parents would tell children off for and one some parents would decide to pick their battles with.
Maybe say to him that he seems to be getting a bit stressed and does he want to go off for a couple of hours by himself?

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