DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

I do think it's understandable that your boyfriend is struggling. If he hasn't had much time with any children in the past, then spending a few days away with two would be quite a challenge. Remember how much we all underestimated how hard it would be before having kids?

Talk to him, OP. Ask him how he's finding it. Say you realise it must be hard for him! Tell him gently that you think he's overreacting and they're just being normal kids. Ask him to step back a little and let you do the discipline.

I don't think all is lost at this stage, but obviously things need to improve if things start getting serious between you.

Thanks user, that’s a helpful insight from a step parent as to what it’s like.

OP sorry but you're not getting it.

He has NO BUSINESS correcting your children.

And again, why are you allowing this?

Have you spoken to him about it?

Absolutely agree with PP that he shouldn't be reprimanding your children anyway. It's also not going to foster a great relationship between him and the kids if he is being grumpy with them all the time.

Does he think telling them off a bit is supporting you?

My DP moved in with us two years ago, after knowing DD for two years before that. There were times he told her to stop doing something or to listen to me when he first moved in. I spoke with him about it at the time and he told me he was doing it to back me up and support me.

We decided for a long time, he should back off from any parenting and leave it to me. We read advice that parents telling children off is different to a non-relative telling them off. Children bounce back when it's a parent because they are know they are loved unconditionally but when a new person tells them off it's more disturbing for them and they can easily feel 'unliked'.

Little kids can be annoying and relentless if you're not their parent. It doesn't mean you don't like them, you just have to get used to their ways and learn to make allowances and chill the fuck out.

I would find time to speak to him while you are still away as you could still salvage the trip and ease some of the tensions. Tell him, you understand it can get a bit much, but make it clear you should be the one to tell them off. Give him opportunities to go off for a walk on his own occasionally, but if doesn't make an effort to be more patient, it's probably a sign he isn't compatible with your family.

Don't stress yourself out by trying to get the kids to behave more or treating them differently to tiptoe around him. Remember, you come as a package, he needs to fit into your family's mould, not the other way around.

He's not a step-parent tho. He's your boyfriend who barely knows your dc.

You've been together six months and he's a partner who's already struggling with your kids? C'mon, OP, he's a new boyfriend. You don't know him.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

You don't know him! He's an adult, he can learn on his own if he wants to and he has no business telling off your kids. You're trying to force all this because you want a boyfriend. Step back. See him without the kids if you want. You're pushing and moving way too fast. Why is that? Are you so desperate for a relationship and/or kids you'll foist any ol' man on your kids despite their being a square peg in a round hole?

Poor kids.

@TwitterQueen1

Because that's what the OP is expecting of him.

Half these posts are saying "Why is he telling them off??"

Like it's his fault.

Obviously the OP expects him to be functioning as some kind of in loco parentis figure, otherwise the solution to her problem would be for her to simply tell him "I'll do all the behaviour moderation, you just sit back, relax, and do nothing, ever".

But she's not saying that. She's criticising him for not being a "correct" parental figure based on her own standards (built up over 9 years).

Either make it clear to him that he's not expected to function as a parent, or actually make a plan with him about how you expect him to deal with things.

As said before, throwing him into a holiday living with 2 children with no guidance or explanation is horribly unfair to him.

@DontCallMeDaisy good post

I wouldn’t like DH telling our DS’s sons off to be honest, I certainly wouldn’t accept it from someone other than their Dad. Warning flag.

you have taken a 6 month childless boyfriend away with your children and now you're wondering why he doesn't know how to parent them?

Please get a hold of yourself. Firstly, he's a stranger ffs. Youre still in the honeymoon period. Don't take your children on holiday with a stranger....? Might help? Especially when one of them has ASD...??

Have you read any books on how to navigate step parent relationships? Has he? Have you set any expectations on what you do and don't want him to do? Is he educated on ASD? Don't put him into situations where he would be required to "pick his battles" with someone else's children until you've (a) got past honeymoon period AND (b) actually have a plan for how he's to interact with your children.

Are you honestly scratching your head over why your brand new boyfriend can't parent your children for you. Give your head a wobble ffs

He doesn't need parenting skills. He barely knows your kids and they don't know him. Why have you gone away together 6 months in??

Wow 
I've been with my dp years and he never tells my dc anything- it's actually quite hard to get him to same no to them - no you can not have sweet stuff etc.
They are great dc but still can be irritating too me, but it's all down to me to parent that side. Even though when it comes to praise and support he's full on that side.
To be honest if you read MN, it's full of poster complaining about father lack of interest to there own dc.

You need to take a break from this guy, it will only get worse. That's how relationship go

My initial post may have been slightly misleading. When I said “the hours they have spent together in the past”, I meant hours at a time, rather than only meeting them for a few hours and then going on a weekend away. We are staying at his place in another city, so not exactly a holiday.

No, I haven’t read any step parenting books. Maybe I should. I don’t expect him to discipline my children. And yes to having the conversation that I need to do the disciplining and that I am not ok with him telling them off. I don’t know how I get around the fact that we have different boundaries/levels of things that are ok and not, but I’ll th and bring it up in conversation with him.

Took me a few years as a new parent to learn what and which battles to pick and why etc. He's been with you all of 6 months...I'd back off with having the kids around him, tbh. Keep them seperate for now, have your boyfriend life and then mother life. It's a lot to ask of someone when they've never been a parent before.

Put your children first OP, not some bloke you have known for 6 months. Your children will be with you for life and are the most important relationship, not somebody you're dating.
I would leave him and not tolerate anybody who didn't respect my dcs. Or, as pp has said, keep him as a boyfriend only, not in a 'step parent' role, he's not cut out for it.

So your kids are just being kids and your new boyfriend is correcting their behaviour after only meeting them a few times?

Sounds off to me. Its not his place at all and at this point in your relationship, if you two are serious, he should be trying to form a friendship with your children not trying to 'parent' them.

My DH is not my eldest dad, it took years before I was semi comfortable with him correcting anything my DC did. 6 years in, married, DH has a great relationship with DC1 and I'm still not 100% on the rare occasion DH tells DC1 off!

I don’t expect him to discipline my children.

Does he know that?

Unless you've said otherwise, he probably legitimately thinks he's helping you.

You need to have a conversation. To be honest you should have had that conversation literally the moment either of you suggested spending more than 1-2 hours together with the children present.

Even if the hours he's spent with your kids adds up to days or weeks (which I doubt) it's still too early for him to be attempting to discipline them.

*Obviously the OP expects him to be functioning as some kind of in loco parentis figure, otherwise the solution to her problem would be for her to simply tell him "I'll do all the behaviour moderation, you just sit back, relax, and do nothing, ever".

But she's not saying that. She's criticising him for not being a "correct" parental figure based on her own standards (built up over 9 years).*

To be fair OP isn't forcing him to parent. Going on holiday is possibly too much too soon, but really they are just spending time together and getting to know each other.

I spend time with friends and family members and their children very often. Occasionally go on holiday. There's a difference between being one of the adult members of the group and being the parent.

As an adult, if I was part of a group with children that weren't my own, and I was the one to spot them doing something dangerous or outright wrong, I would tell them to stop. And would expect and be fine with another adult in the group doing the same if it was my DD.

If they did something to me (such as splash me), I would ask them to stop if I didn't like it. However, if I was just getting annoyed by them, I would try to ignore it. If it was intolerable, I'd speak to their parent.

IMO, by going on holiday, the OP hasn't foisted any parental responsibility on her boyfriend. And it's not for him to assume any parental responsibility unless told otherwise

It sounds like he's just finding it a bit full-on and is getting annoyed by them. It might be a learning curve or a sign of incompatibility, but it's not unfair on him. It's unfair on the kids to be moaned at constantly by someone who's not their parent.

How to put someone off in one easy step - take your kids to his home for a few nights! Good grief! Bad enough in a hotel but he's got kids in his own house, no wonder he's not relaxed. Nightmare.

I would definitely advise keeping him as a boyfriend you see when you are not with your kids for a good while longer

A new partner nit picking at my kids is my worst nightmare. It would drive me up the wall

OP not sure you want to hear what you have heard but a lot of the time other people already have in the same position so know how this turns out

As much as I have wanted to say something to my DP’s children i do not and I have not known them much longer than yours. It is not my place. I may say in a polite voice something obvious ‘oops, better pick up that cup on the carpet shall we pick it up and put it up there?’ but that’s the limit. I always think it’s best that you remain the polite, cheerful visitor as that’s what you are, a visitor in the DC’s lives. DP has the privilege of meeting my DC and he is also a visitor in their lives.

DP brought his DC to my house for a cup of tea and they both jumped on my sofa which I do not allow my own DC to do. He immediately told them not to do it. I on the other hand if I happened to be in the room alone would have said ‘oh let’s go play with that game over there’ and just distracted them.

He can learn, but if he has a quiet God Complex (that you haven’t discovered yet) that all men are always right and must be obeyed especially by unruly children as god forbid someone might be looking so need to keep up appearances of complete control no noise and mess then you will have your work cut out

OP it doesn't matter what his boundaries are. He needs to respect you when you tell him that he is not to discipline the children. If he's not good with the DCs it wouldn't be for me if I'm honest.

A man you've known 6 months is nitpicking at your children. Why are you letting him? Things will only get worse

@DontCallMeDaisy

If I was with my sisters children or close friends kids I would tell them off if it was required. But this is based on us all being parents and understanding each other’s rules of what is acceptable. I also would feel like I had a close enough relationship with the children for it to not be an issue with the parents. But this would only be the case if the parents were not present, and even then I would firstly try ignoring it, moving away or simply going to get the parent

You seem to be avoiding answering the question of why on earth you think it is acceptable to take your children to stay with a boyfriend you have only known for six months, imagine the reaction if it was a Dad who took his children to stay with a new girlfriend .