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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP struggling with my children

304 replies

trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:09

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

OP posts:
FleurDeLips · 03/11/2018 08:03

I am with you on avoiding constant negativity and like me you are an experienced parent and 1. know better 2. Don’t want to live a negative life with DC and 3. love them so don’t find them as annoying

He doesn’t love them (yet?)
Wants his own needs met not theirs ie he wants to quell his own feelings of annoyance first, with no clue as to the bigger picture of how relationships with kids work

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 08:04

The irony is that he’s the most positive person I’ve ever met!!

OP posts:
FleurDeLips · 03/11/2018 08:05

When it’s going his way Wink

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 08:08

Well even seemingly when it’s not. But that’s in his adult life. It appears when it comes to my kids, it’s a different story.

OP posts:
FleurDeLips · 03/11/2018 08:11

I broke up with a partner of about 2 years who had no fun in him. He was a practical dad. Always fed, clean and well behaved children who did well at school. But the family existence was so so dull. Every activity was carried out in the name of fun, but was no fun at all. Like there was no soul to it. This would result in the middle DC becoming mischievous and trying to find some fun (and getting told off) and the youngest getting very bored and whining for the entire time (and not being told off just ignored). The eldest just plodded along quietly. The last time we went out before breaking up it was an Easter egg hunt. We diligently did the hunt and got all the clues then got in the car and went home. No laughing no silliness and part of my soul died and I broke up with him

Not saying it’s the same but if you are trying to keep things fun and your DC have silly sense of humour and this man doesn’t he may also drain your soul a bit too

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/11/2018 08:12

When you said in your post (to him) “it’s your house” - why were you in his house with the children?

Beamur · 03/11/2018 08:13

I didn't have kids of my own when I met DP (now DH) and very few of my friends has kids. I was clueless. I found the kids frequently annoying, but also very sweet and funny. So many things annoyed me (why can't they make their beds properly, why do they trail toys everywhere, etc) but I think I respected their parents decisions, I would tell them off if needed (but to be honest, they are good kids, so this rarely happened) and I tried very hard to be kind, tolerant and fun.
The penny really dropped for me when I had a child of my own - my expectations generally were too high because I simply did not understand that how kids are.
FWIW I think your instincts are good here OP. You're talking to your bf and explaining very well your position - being a step parent, or the newish partner of someone with kids is tricky, he won't get it right every time, but the instinct to punish and ignore is not pretty.

Livingloving · 03/11/2018 08:17

How long are you staying with him? I would think about cutting the trip short tbh.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 08:18

Sethis thanks for your posts. I understand what you mean about how his background and childhood may well affect how he is with my children. And I suspect you are right. But if you are, what can I do about it?

I can’t change him. Particularly if it’s a fundamental part of his upbringing and fairly ingrained, and as he doesn’t have his own kids it hasn’t been tested before either.

So I can tell him how I parent my kids, what they respond best to, and how I would like him to talk to them.

I guess either he can adjust to my way of doing things, which is a big ask, or I have to end it for the sake of the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 08:19

When you said in your post (to him) “it’s your house” - why were you in his house with the children?

He lives in a different city and we are staying with him for a few days

OP posts:
Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 08:20

How long are you staying with him? I would think about cutting the trip short tbh

We are heading home on Monday

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 03/11/2018 08:23

Only on Mumsnet any random stranger should step in and parent children because it takes a village but heaven forbid a step parent even considering mildly telling off a child

Kennycalmit · 03/11/2018 08:29

but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before

Well no, that’s because you’ve only been together 6 months. You’ve seen barely any sides to him in this time! With or without kids, at 6 months you’re still getting to know each other.

I'd be at him telling off my kids, when a, you're supposed to be away having fun and b, when he hardly knows them, much less is in a parental role. He should wind his neck in

Really?? So he’s good enough to take them away and no doubt contribute to feeding them by buying food/drink etc yet he’s not allowed to tell them off when they’re being naughty? Sod that...

When I say telling off, I mean things like telling them it’s not ok for them to splash into puddles that then splash him. Or for them to make noise that might annoy the neighbours

But none of that is okay? I’d get pissed off with it aswell! It’s not okay to splash people. If you’ve told your kids to quieten down but they continue then yes they should be told to stop. That’s just teaching them basic manners and respect.

OP, I don’t know this man nor do I know you or your children. I also think kids should be allowed to be kids and that involves letting them jump in puddles - however if they’re jumping in puddles and getting other people wet then that’s not okay. Just like being loud and noisy around neighbours when you’ve asked them to quieten down isn’t okay.

After 6 months you barely know this man so to be going away on trips together and expecting him to have the patience of a saint around your kids that he barely knows is too much.

If he’s good enough to stay with and contribute towards your kids by feeding etc then he should be good enough to have a say in boundaries. If he isn’t, and if you don’t want him telling your kids off, then it’s too soon and you shouldn’t have them around each other!

Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. If I’m good enough to be around someone’s kids and they’re pissing me off, then expect me to put some boundaries in place. If not, get the kids away from me.

Regardless of anything, I think it’s far too soon for you and your DP to be having trips away with your children after just 6 months.

Notjustanyone · 03/11/2018 08:40

I speak from the voice of experience and I am telling you now it will not get better. He will try harder but then he will slip back to his old ways. Your child who has ASD will not take negativity well and it will sap any confidence they have and make other things harder for them.
I am speaking as someone who has 2 dc with ASD and I used to have a negative person in their life but not anymore!!

TuftyBum · 03/11/2018 08:43

Tbh you don't sound compatible. You sound easygoing with your children and he wants them to be far better behaved for want of a better phrase.

I'd expect you to tell them off for splashing me. I don’t have kids and would expect them at their ages to know that if you step in a puddle you will splash those close to you. Now you can tell me that is wrong and they can be thoughtless at that age but as a childless person it would be my expectation, rightly or wrongly.

Escolar · 03/11/2018 08:47

I'll be interested to hear how the trip to the zoo goes, OP. Hope it's a fun day for everyone.

Glasshalffull99 · 03/11/2018 08:54

Let me put it from another perspective.

My elder kids aren't my partners but he took on the role. He didn't have kids before either.
I too introduced at 6 months and at first it was slowly progressive in that, he would do small things like yours to tell them off.

3 years later I'm getting my ducks in a row to leave the abusive arsehole because he loses his shit at every little thing. Instead of building a friendship with my children, he stated his authority and now expects them to listen.

My 10 year old just doesn't respect him at all anymore and answers back constantly because it's doesn't matter what he does, he is doing it wrong and he is fed up with Being told off for nothing. I'm fed up with it too.
If he hasn't remembered to brush his teeth it's an all out row about how his teeth will fall out breath with stink ECT ECT. He takes the smallest things and makes them huge, expects a child to just take it and not get frustrated because he is the child not the adult. But you get my drift.

If he can't keep his calm now, it will only get worse. I made the mistake of not seeing the red flags and now I have to sort my shit to leave and protect my children.

Glasshalffull99 · 03/11/2018 08:58

And I promise that is from a place of knowing. I wish someone had warned me. I actually wish I knew about mumsnet back then. I was in a delicate place. I had just gotten out of a 10 year abusive relationship and this guy made me feel like his was the best thing that could of happened to me.
He wasn't, he used my weakness to his advantage. I'm now a shell of the person I used to be.

HerondaleDucks · 03/11/2018 09:05

I think you've been very unfair to this poor bloke. You've clearly thrown him in the deep end.
I really don't understand why the hell women expect their partners to jump in and be parents to children straight away. He's been your partner for 6 months, you need to ease him into this gently not dump him on your kids and expect you all to play happy familys.
I live with my dp and his two children and it's hard and I've know them for years.
Go and take a look on the step parent board and have a good think about what you want from this relationship. Because if this holiday has shown him you want a replacement daddy he's probably freaking out.
Btw the absolute myth perpetrated on this site that partners of people with children know what they are getting themselves into is complete twaddle and he probably thought it would be great and he's just found out the bewildering and alien land of spending time with another person's children and realising they have no say or control in the situation and there's no rule book to guide them on how to behave or what to expect. I'm feeling sorry for him and the kids. You've forced it too soon too fast OP

Ipickedthisone · 03/11/2018 09:09

Why did you expect a thank you for taking your kids downstairs so he could have a lie in?
They aren’t his responsibility, you can’t have it all ways.

PerverseConverse · 03/11/2018 09:11

This doesn't bode well.
Last year I was with a guy for 11 months who had 2 children. I have 3. My youngest was 2 and has no contact with his dad and I have no one to look after him overnight so when we went on trips away my ds came with us. He really liked my bf, liked his children. But bf overstepped several times and he criticised my parenting and said my ds had me wrapped around his little finger, how he needed to be less dependent on me etc. He was 2 ffs and still breastfeeding. He'd never known his dad, hadn't even met him, yet here was this man telling me my son was too dependent on me, the only adult in his life. Additionally there were issues with his children who my older children couldn't stand because their behaviour was appalling and he did nothing to discipline them. I was slated on here for introducing him to my children, skated for taking my ds on holiday with him, slated for not putting my dc first. It took me a while to realise that this guy, despite being great in many ways, was actually an abusive and controlling arse. I dumped him. My older two were so relieved and I've decided to stay single now. Looking back he showed signs early on like your bf is doing. I should have paid attention then because it only got worse.
You don't sound compatible. Find someone worthy of being in your children's lives but take it much slower next time.

Oblomov18 · 03/11/2018 09:15

I disagree with nearly all the other posters and agree with Joysmum. Your children didn't just jump in puddles. They splashed someone else. And that's not ok. And the way he told them so was perfect.

Glasshalffull99 · 03/11/2018 09:16

@PerverseConverse
Looks like me and you have similar experiences.Flowers

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 09:25

I think you've been very unfair to this poor bloke. You've clearly thrown him in the deep end.
I really don't understand why the hell women expect their partners to jump in and be parents to children straight away. He's been your partner for 6 months, you need to ease him into this gently not dump him on your kids and expect you all to play happy familys

I understand your point, but don’t for a minute be fooled into thinking this is all my doing. It’s almost all his. He wanted to meet the kids. He wanted us to come here. It’s all driven by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
trytrytrytry · 03/11/2018 09:27

Perverse and Glasshalffull Flowers

My ex was an abusive arse too. I thought I would be able to spot abusive behaviour a mile off. I’m not so sure about that now. I’m worried that my path would follow yours glass

OP posts: