DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

Hmmm I have been with my partner for a year, my children get on really well with his and they think he is great but I still wouldn't have him with my children as much as you have within a week. I keep it to once every few weeks just so they don't feel he is impacting on their lives...I don't want them to worry that 'their family' is suddenly going to change. I see him on my child free night every week and when I have child free time sometimes at weekends. It just feels like you're foisting your partner on them and neither party is particularly enjoying that right now! It doesn't seem fair on them to me.

Part of the problem is that when we met, he was living in the same city. So seeing each other more "casually" was easy, and he wasn't around when the kids were around. He is now living 4 hours away, so we either don't see each other at all or he is staying with us. It's currently the latter. Then I won't see him for 3 weeks.

Regardless then of abuse issue. This is a nightmare. Your DC don't need this, and neither do you. Please end this relationship.

Up to you, but if you don't look at how and why this has/ is happening you are in danger of finding yourself here again. As I suggested you could contact WA for other suggestions re support groups.

OP, put aside considering abuse for a second, as that may make the situation seem too overwhelming and even complicated.

The blunt truth is that you are, as bad been said, currently subjecting your children to a man who isn’t great towards and more to the point, you’re doing it in intense bursts right now. Then you’ll have a 3 week break, meaning the children won’t see him for at least as long. I have an ASD child a similar age and they would find the all/nothing approach to seeing a new person in their life confusing and overwhelming, especially if that person made them feel inhibited because he didn’t like their behaviour. My husband and I frequently say the “wrong” thing to our ASD child as they are so sensitive, and that’s with us both having the best of intentions, living and being used to our child, advocating for them and doing parenting classes to understand them. So god knows how someone like your partner, who doesn’t seem able to easily see the positive or is motivated to understand, will make your son feel.

And when it comes to how you are impacting on your kids, I have to say you don’t seem to be prioritising them as you should be.