DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

What did you say to your DC when they were jumping in puddles and splashing people?

To be fair OP isn't forcing him to parent.

If my DP had brought two children who weren't mine, to my house, for a time period of days and nights rather than hours, and had given me zero information on how to deal with them (or not deal with them), then yeah, it'd feel like she was forcing me to act as a parent.

What's he supposed to do? Ignore children messing up his house? He's a bachelor for chrissakes, he's not used to having children running amok under his feet 24 hours a day in his own home. He's probably not sleeping well either. But that's alright, because mumsnet is telling his DP that he's a shit dad, will always be a shit dad, and it's a warning sign for the future of their fucking relationship.

It's almost like none of you are men, have no idea how men think, and assume that everyone (man and woman) knows all the ins and outs of who is responsible for what when it comes to children, even when you've never had any, don't work with them, don't spend time with them, and their last experience of the parent/child relationship was 20 years ago with their own father and mother. Talk about crucifixion without trial.

Look, it's really simple.

Someone brings a child to my house.

I see that child doing something I don't think the mother would approve of.

I think "Oh, I'll help the mother by dealing with this, so that she doesn't have to. She must find it really hard to live with this all the time, so I'll try to give her a break by helping out as much as I can"

Later on, the child splashes me in a puddle, in my good jeans. I've never had a child before, so I don't have any child-proof clothing to wear. I get somewhat irate that the child has possibly ruined a £50 pair of trousers, and the mother doesn't seem to care. In fact she seems angry at me when I tell the kid not to splash me. Why?

I'm also confused as to why the mother seems totally okay with her kids doing things that I think are bad behaviour. If they were my kids I'd definitely say something. Why isn't she saying something? Is she waiting for me to step in? What if I don't step in? Will she think I'm useless as a parent if I don't say anything? Why am I feeling so defensive in my own house? Why are the kids so noisy? Do they never shut up? I'm really tired. Why did I think this was a good idea?

But no, never mind. Mumsnet obviously knows best, and he's a horrible person and you should get rid of him because he doesn't understand automatically how parental responsibility is assigned in this situation.

The mind boggles.

If the OP has to start anticipating this man's every need and parenting her dcs differently in accordance with that it's a recipe for disaster imo. It will damage her relationship with her dcs long term because they'll perceive the change and that she is putting dps needs first. Not worth it.

I had a stepfather and he never acted like this, he was nothing but kind.

What did you say to your DC when they were jumping in puddles and splashing people?

My response - “if you stomp in a puddle when there is someone else close by, the water might splash them, and they might not like it. Please be careful when you are splashing”

His response - “Hey “child’s name”! Not. Cool. You just splashed me. That’s not ok. Don’t do that.

We have had some conversations about parenting (my parenting). He called me up once on something that the kids do that to me is playful banter. He sees it as disrespectful. I explained to him why I allow them to do it (it’s a game, it’s banter, I don’t mind it, I pick my battles etc). We also discussed another occasion where I explained stuff to the kids rather than “punished” them. I can’t remember the exact situation, but basically he said that he couldn’t understand why I was calm and explained with rationale why the kids should or shouldn’t do something, rather than there being a consequence of them doing it. I explained it to him, and he said he got it. If they need consequences, they get them. It’s harder because of 9yos ASD, so I try to use distraction or change a situation if I can foresee a meltdown. I do tell DP if I can see DSs behaviour beginning to escalate because I know he wouldn’t see that and would only think he was misbehaving.

Yes, I chose to take the kids to stay with him after only 6 months together. I get that a lot of people don’t think that’s a good idea. However, I’m in the middle of it now, so there’s not a lot I can do to change it!

Splashing in a puddle and making children noise is not ‘bad behaviour’. It is children behaviour. OP has already clearly stated it wasn’t bad or on purpose behaviour and it is nit picking. It isn’t to help her out, it’s because he doesn’t approve. He isn’t struggling to parent them he has different ideas about how children should behave than OP does. OP doesn’t mind if her kids splash in puddles or make some noise. But her brand new partner minds enough to tell the DC not to do it. And OP is concerned that this nit picking comes from somewhere worrying and she is right to be worried about it.

If you spend any time with any DC’s it is common sense that it’s probably going to involve an element of mess and noise. If this annoys this man then there isn’t much hope that this will suddenly change. You don’t fall in love with children and suddenly forget all the things that wind you up. If they wind you up now they always will do.

Fleur I think your last post pretty much sums it up

@trytrytrytry

I knew you were going to give examples of him undermining or criticising your parenting. Honestly OP, this is not good for the 3 of you. Parenting has to be a mutual match of values respect and understanding. He’s already being disapproving and controlling

It sounds like he's not trying to take into account your 9 year olds asd tbh.
why does he think he should be giving you advice on parenting?
This is all wrong OP. It really does not bode well.

I do not have a conventional relationship with my DC and some people find that hard to understand, but it is my way of doing things and it works for us. That is all you need to say too.

Your boyfriend is struggling, but clearly doesn’t want to admit it.

Cut the trip short. You do NOT have to force ‘happy family’ scenarios.

I’ve been with my significant other for 4 years and I’ve never been away with his kids, nor he with mine. It’s just not necessary. In our case, it would be me that would struggle, and I know myself well enough to know that.

I would cut him some slack.
I mean, if a friends kid did that to me, I would say “that’s not ok” because it isn’t ok.
But it does seem too soon. He’s never been a parent, let alone adjusting to someone else’s parenting style for their precious ones!
You’ve given one example of puddle splashing. And I don’t think his annoyance was unfounded.

But it's not just the puddle splashing is it. They have had other conversations about OPs parenting already.
OP already comes across as nervous having to anticipate her dp reacting badly to the ASD situations (apologies if I've misinterpreted that though OP)

OP please Find a boyfriend who will jump in the puddles with your children.

I'm not sure if he should be parenting your children after 6 months.
Maybe it's a bit too soon, I know my friends have usually left it at least a year before introductions.

Well all said and done, puddles aside, at his house, his rules. If kids come to our house for a party for example and do stuff they have been asked not to they get told off. If their parents have a hissy about it, tough luck, dont come back.

He shouldn’t even be commenting on Op’s parenting choices so he gets no slack from me. It’s bloody rude

I wouldn’t like to be splashed and his response was the sort of thing I’d say too.

I’m quite happy for any adult to raise an issue with my daughter but not shout or discipline her.

My mother’s partner was like this. It started similar to how you are describing. Small things he would ‘discipline’ us for. Mum would stand by and do nothing. It basically turned into bullying and made me feel uncomfortable in my own home. He would walk into a room, I would walk out. She stayed with him for years and I resent her for it. Our relationship never recovered.

I would never let a man like this be around my child if DH and I were to break up. It is good this is something you have flagged up early on- please trust your instincts and don’t stay with him.

This will probably get worse. Your children might be ok for you- but could be hard for him. My best friend had a similar situation although I did think her kids were actually a handful for him and I felt for him. 6 months is a super short time and it’s probably all magnified. He shouldn’t be “telling them off” though.

Tell him your concerns- see what he says. At this point in time though... I’m not sure he’s got it in him.

And what’s an example of disciplining them?

And what’s an example of disciplining them?

An example of me disciplining them? He doesn’t discipline them, I didn’t say that he does. But he tells them off, as per the example re the puddle splashing.

If my DP had brought two children who weren't mine, to my house, for a time period of days and nights rather than hours, and had given me zero information on how to deal with them (or not deal with them), then yeah, it'd feel like she was forcing me to act as a parent.

What's he supposed to do? Ignore children messing up his house? He's a bachelor for chrissakes, he's not used to having children running amok under his feet 24 hours a day in his own home. He's probably not sleeping well either.

That's not what's happened here. They've both decided to go on holiday so they can all spend time together presumably, not so her children can run amok and she can offload some of the responsibility on another adult.

It's almost like none of you are men, have no idea how men think, and assume that everyone (man and woman) knows all the ins and outs of who is responsible for what when it comes to children

There's nothing to work out at this stage. They're HER children. She doesn't need to outline responsibilities, because the responsibilities are hers.

But no, never mind. Mumsnet obviously knows best, and he's a horrible person and you should get rid of him because he doesn't understand automatically how parental responsibility is assigned in this situation.

Do you reassign parental responsibility if you take your children anywhere in the company of other adults - to visit their house, on a day out or a trip away? No, why would you?

An adult is entitled to ask a child not to splash his £50 jeans, but the same adult is surely also aware if they're getting too frequently grumpy with the people they're trying to forge a bond with? Whether they are used to children or not.

Surely they should be mature enough to step away and defer to the parent rather than being moody with them. Especially when he is fully aware one has special needs.

If he thinks she doesn't discipline them enough, then that is an incompatibility that can either be worked on or they might decide is a deal-breaker.

It might have been unwise to go on holiday so soon, and it's understandable he'll get irritated sometimes. He had no idea what to expect, but similarly, she had no idea he would be unable to hide his impatience.

It's all a learning curve, she didn't need to hand him a manual, he's there to spend time with them.

OP already comes across as nervous having to anticipate her dp reacting badly to the ASD situations (apologies if I've misinterpreted that though OP)

Not nervous as such. But nobody else can read him like I can, and it’s bloody hard work! I try to minimise the risk of meltdowns for everyone’s benefit!

Have just noticed I got facts wrong about holiday/staying with new partner

Honestly OP I doubt he will stick around. You will either dump him or be dumped.

Unless your DC are unruley they are just being children and thats ok.

He expects them the children to modify their normal childish behaviour to suit him. He the adult should be the one to lower his expectations and remember they are children not adults.

If he cannot change then I tell you from a place if experience hou will stress uourself out stop enjoying your DC and your relationship trying to please him!

Speak to him. Tell him kids are not adults. They make mistskes. They make mess. They cause a fuss. If he needs to know how to play eavh situation then he can look to you for guidence. Otherwise shut up.