DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

I knew you were going to give examples of him undermining or criticising your parenting

Not playing tit for tat; someone asked what I said re the puddle splashing, so I thought I would explain what I mean by him telling them off. He doesn’t discipline them, although maybe that’s just pedantics.

I think you need to find a more understanding man than this one OP as it is hard enough parenting a child with ASD without having to pussyfoot around a disapproving partner. At 6 months in he should be looking to build bonds with your dcs not telling them off or telling you how you should parent. He doesn't sound like he's stepfather material, not for your family anyway.

OP please Find a boyfriend who will jump in the puddles with your children.

^this^

Sorry, I've just read your latest posts OP and I think the examples you've given show more of an incompatibility rather than a shaky start to blending relationships. It doesn't sound like he's unsure of his role, just that he has different ideas of how kids should behave.

It's massively ignorant and arrogant to call someone up about how they are parenting a child with special needs

But he’s questioning you and you are having to justify why you do things. That is not really ok. I wouldn’t even ask my own sister why she parents the way she does, they are her kids. I realised I had a fundamental compatabilty problem with my Dc father when we had our children and we just couldn’t get past it but we now parent separately as together was this battle of nit picking and undermining, and those were his biological children!

What it comes down to is his expectation of you as a mother and whether he is expecting you to modify your parenting to meet his expectations. You need to talk to him. I agree at his house = his rules, but this is going to make it more frustrating for you as you will feel that you have no choice but to try to fit in with him.

Op, it's probably just too much too soon. It's hard being around someone's kids with no escape when not used to it, you need to build up to it. I know how he is feeling because I dated a man with children. It was great when I saw them for a few hours, I could play and have a great time, then leave. I went away for a long weekend, and found it difficult. I got to see what having children is like, I was the same after listening to them fight and talk non stop for three hours in the car. I got frustrated and told them off for silly things, then he would get annoyed with me.
We went away to test the waters living together, it was a good test as I failed miserably. I ended it after that, step parenting is not for me.
Take the kids out for an hour and give him a break.

My response - “if you stomp in a puddle when there is someone else close by, the water might splash them, and they might not like it. Please be careful when you are splashing”

His response - “Hey “child’s name”! Not. Cool. You just splashed me. That’s not ok. Don’t do that.

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Imagine you have a meter of "Tolerance". At 100%, you are totally calm and at peace. At 0% you're losing your shit and freaking out.

Your comment reads as someone at 90% tolerance or more.

His comment reads like someone at 50% tolerance or a bit less.

I would expect someones tolerance level to drop proportionally to the amount of times they have already told the child off, how severe they perceive the misbehaviour as being, how tired that person is at that point in time, how much stress that person is under at that moment, and any number of other issues that might drop someones tolerance levels by a few percentage points.

Him being further down the scale than you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. There might similarly be times where your tolerance level is lower than his. That doesn't make you worse than him.

When you introduced him to your kids, and they only spent an hour or two together, did he sound more like his tolerance level was higher? Does he usually speak to them more like your first comment? Or does he always sound like his tolerance level is very low, regardless of circumstance? Is he always short with them, or only this time, now, when he's spent days with them, unable to leave?

If he always sounds like he's low on the meter, then yeah, that's a problem you need to either resolve by having some conversations about it, or find another partner. It might be that he's genuinely bad with children. It could be that the only role model he had for talking to children was his own father, who may or may not have been a good one to begin with. Certainly if he grew up in the 80-90s then attitudes on how to parent children have moved on, and it's not like he's going to have kept up with modern schools of thought on behaviour management. Why would he? He also probably doesn't read websites like this full of tips and tricks on how to deal with children.

However if he's only sounding like he's low on the meter now and he's usually higher, then simply have a chat with him about it. "I get the feeling that the kids are tiring you out and I'm sorry that it's not as perfect as we wanted it to be. Let me deal with everything to do with them for a bit, and you just chill out and get your strength back."

Either way, absolutely nothing is going to change unless you have a conversation. His meter will continue to drop if you don't do something about it.

Oh for heaven's sake, all this blather about meters and scales and his family history, etc etc. You don't need to do a bloody dissertation on this man.

This is still the honeymoon period when he should be looking to make a good impression - not criticising your parenting and nitpicking at your children. He's not likely to improve. As a parent of a child with SNs, that would end it for me.

Explain that you love him regardless and so long as he doesn't slap them or swear at them, he'll be just fine.

I can't even begin to say how wrong this is on so many levels. God, the bar is so low here.

I wouldn’t be going on holiday with a 7 snd 9 year old that I barely knew! This sounds like a terrible idea all round.

You don’t fall in love with children and suddenly forget all the things that wind you up. If they wind you up now they always will do.

I disagree- as a child free person if I spend time with my friends kids and family children I get to know them and their personalities and quirks and grow to understand them.

I wouldn’t be stuck with them on a holiday when I barely knew them though. Not at that age.

I completely agree gingerivy

It’s also all very well saying ‘he shouldn’t be disciplining the children’ but even as a non parent if children are ruining my property or otherwise infringing on me and you’re not stopping them I’m going to tell them not to. It’s not ‘parenting’, it’s just normal to say ‘can you stop doing that’ or ‘please be quieter’.

Well, I'm going to buck the trend on this. I'd met my SC's way earlier than the mandated MN limits and by around 6 months in was also on a family holiday (and a steep learning curve) with DP's kids.
If his kids, or frankly anyone's kids, were being annoying or misbehaving, I will tell them off! Appropriately and without going over the top. It's their parents decision about any discipline. But to say to a partner 'you can never tell my kids off' isn't great either.
The only caveat I would say, and it's a big one - if the way your partner does this, or you feel it is unreasonable or disproportionate - don't ignore your instincts. Protect your kids first and foremost.

Oh for heaven's sake, all this blather about meters and scales and his family history, etc etc. You don't need to do a bloody dissertation on this man.

Absolutely. Let's judge him on an anonymous internet forum where we don't know any of the facts at all. Let's instantly assume the absolute worst about everyone.

There's this thing called "Grey". It's a fairly new invention, but I hear it's actually some kind of combination of black and white. I know you're shocked, but it really does exist. Maybe try incorporating it into your thinking.

It’s not about puddles. Puddles was one example that annoyed her.

He’s questioning OP on her discipline, her methods and ways of doing things. That is what concerns me the most.

It is one thing to tell off a child in the moment - likely we have all done it, but it is another to question your new partner on why they aren’t stricter, why they ‘allow’ certain behaviours. This is a clear sign that he has different views on how children should behave and is trying to influence OP into changing her parenting he has only known her 6 months

We have had some conversations about parenting (my parenting).

Really inappropriate with a new partner and experienced mother

He called me up once on something that the kids do that to me is playful banter. He sees it as disrespectful. I explained to him why I allow them to do it (it’s a game, it’s banter, I don’t mind it, I pick my battles etc).

Fine to ask why if it’s bothering him, but could suggest he is feeling that she ‘can’t control’ her own DC. Red flag

We also discussed another occasion where I explained stuff to the kids rather than “punished” them. I can’t remember the exact situation, but basically he said that he couldn’t understand why I was calm

Perfectly normal example of good calm parenting from OP, again with the same theme from the BF of suggestion of lack of discipline from OP. Him expecting kids to be punished and not able to understand calm discussion is something to keep a close eye on

There's this thing called "Grey". It's a fairly new invention, but I hear it's actually some kind of combination of black and white. I know you're shocked, but it really does exist. Maybe try incorporating it into your thinking.

Nope. Every post you've put on here has either blamed the OP for putting too much responsibility on the male or trying to make excuses for the man's behaviour.

I'm tired of women being made to feel like they have to find a million reasons why they should put up with shitty behaviour from men towards them or their children. They're tired, they're inexperienced, they're stressed, they're nervous..... FFS. All this "look at their history in their family, look at this, look at that...." No, that's looking for excuses - reasons to overlook the way he is dealing with her children (and her).

So yeah, I judge. He'd be dumped.

This is all happening so fast. Your poor kids.

I mean things like telling them it’s not ok for them to splash into puddles that then splash him.

This would annoy me and I'd tell my own DC not to do it.

As a mum to 2 SEND kids i know we absolutely have our own groove that I have hammered out with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. I couldn't cope with a potential partner who didn't have experience of not just kids but SEND kids. I do have my beady eye on a SN teacher, yum.

Back to OP - dump him, no point.

Tbh he sounds like any childless person who’s struggling to handle being around children. My sister and her DP are the same with my two when they come to visit. They both get irritated at things DH and I have got used to - being splashed by puddles is a really good example. DH and I will move out of the way fast with an «oi - watch where you’re splashing!». Dsis will smile through gritted teeth, do a fake laugh and get out of the way. Her DP will tell them that they really shouldn’t splash people and get their trousers muddy. They just don’t have any experience in hanging out with children, so they tend not to pick their battles and they take things very seriously.

The difference here is whether the DP is future step-father material or not I guess? Kind of early to judge.

OP please Find a boyfriend who will jump in the puddles with your children

Yeah, totally this.

We had a talk about it last night. He said he is finding it really hard. He asked about disciplining them; I said that they are my children and therefore I should be the one to discipline them. I told him that I understand that it’s his house and therefore he will have rules here, but that if there is a problem maybe it’s best to tell me so I can them talk to the kids. He told me that he would discipline them if, for example, one of them ran into the road. I said I considered that an issue of safety and an emergency, and so that was ok, but otherwise it should be me. I also said that I had to be careful myself not to pull them up on every little thing that they do, otherwise I would be telling them off/talking negatively to them most of the time. I suggested that distraction/humour works well for them rather than telling them off (he thought I was mad yesterday when we went out walking, the kids were moaning about it and said “are we at the car yet?”, so I said yes, and pretended to climb into a hedge - he said that the moaning annoyed him so much that if he were out with them by himself he would have completely ignored them).

I have no idea if things will change. He said that he was ok with the conversation, but didn’t look happy with the suggestion that I should do the parenting because they are my responsibility.

This morning when DS1 woke up and came into the room, DP turned his back on him, which is something my selfish prick of an ExH (DCs Dad) used to do. I thought he (DP) must be tired, and so decided to get up with the kids and leave him to have a lie in. I didn’t even get a thank you.

Trytrytrytry You must understand that you have committed a cardinal MN sin and must be corrected.
You are a mother. You have no right to be having a relationship. You must remain single until they have all left university and have settled in to stable relationships of their own. Then and ONLY then are you permitted to consider a relationship with a man who has years of parenting experience. Oh - and he MUST be a widow. Because any man who has a relationship, with a new woman - after leaving a previous woman with whom he had children is always a selfish fucker.
So - if you don't mind, please have the decency to wait another couple of decades . Put your children first !

Alternatively, in a normal world . Don't go away together yet. He's a 'learner' with regards children and you have just taken him in the parenting motorway for his first lesson.
Go slower. Visits to the house. Trips out. No sleep overs while kids are around. Six months of that and you will know if he has potential as your partner and helper. If he doesn't learn not to sweat the small stuff, then he really isn't a keeper- but give him a chance !

Thanks beamur

The only caveat I would say, and it's a big one - if the way your partner does this, or you feel it is unreasonable or disproportionate - don't ignore your instincts. Protect your kids first and foremost

I don’t think it’s necessarily disproportionate, but I am feeling as though I need to be on their side and have their back, which means I am kind of not on his side, so I feel a bit stuck in the middle. I feel he’s giving them a bit of a rough ride for being kids.

He seems to be of the kids should be seen and not heard variety.
Does he do anything fun? Is he a fun person? Or is he just observing you all from afar (whilst sneering/being constantly annoyed)

Does he do anything fun? Is he a fun person?

I guess he does fun adult stuff; he is an outdoorsy person, sporty, etc. He has a niece who he has taken to do fun stuff. We are heading out to a zoo today, which I appreciate will not be in his comfort zone at all.