DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

This is precisely why with children in the mix (my two have sn) I have found it much easier to be single.

Having said that in the last five years I have had two relationships and both guys would never have reprimanded my children and in fact were very accepting of their needs.

Also depending on your circumstances, I don’t think six months is too soon for a new partner to meet the children although I would not personally take the dc to their home to stay. I would find that very stressful and be on edge worrying about their behaviour.

I think that what he said about puddles was ok as long as he also has fun, positive interactions with them. But not if it was part of a constant stream of getting cross and telling them off.

He wanted to meet the kids. He wanted us to come here. It’s all driven by him.

Yep, this is what abusive men do. Then they'll turn it round on you and say you've pushed them into a situation they don't want to be in. Abusive men push boundaries under the guise of being nice guys who see you and your children as a package and wanting to help you out as you're a single mum. What they want is to make you dependent on them so they can control you and your children. Once you start resisting the abuse and control will become obvious.

He turned away in bed because of embarrassment I'd bet. He's not used to having children wander into a bedroom where he's just shagged their mum.

Yes, you hope you'll be able to see abusive behaviour a mile off but I didn't. My stbexh was abusive and so were other boyfriends. This last guy was really different or so I thought. Really kind and considerate, generous, fun and funny. Until he wasn't.

What they want is to make you dependent on them so they can control you and your children

We ha this exact conversation last night. He is asking to help, I’m pretty much always saying no. Mainly because of my past situation with my ex; I relied on him and he let me down, so I dragged myself out of a hellish marriage and do it all myself. It’s easier to do it all myself than attempt to share the load in a shit relationship. He feels rejected when I don’t let him help.

He wanted us to come here. It's all driven by him

So what if that's what he wanted? You are the parent, you can say no. You have a responsibility to your children, you don't have to do stuff with them just because a fairly new boyfriend asks you to.

He isn’t helping you by satisfying his own annoyance. Makes no sense at all. It annoys him not you. So telling you he is helping you is not true

So what if that's what he wanted? You are the parent, you can say no. You have a responsibility to your children, you don't have to do stuff with them just because a fairly new boyfriend asks you to

I’m not saying it wasn’t what I wanted. I’m just saying it was his idea and driven by him to the PP who implied it was all me trying to play happy families

I thought I could see it too. Unfortunately these men are so clever and manipulative. When you are already delicate as a result of previous relationship, it's hard to see clear.

My P is a narc and it's all about him and his needs.
He wanted to meet the kids earlier too He promised he could be all the things to them my ex couldn't. He even wanted to do all the negotiations with my ex for me so I didn't need to deal with the crap.
What he was really doing was controlling the whole situation and I was too blind to see it.
He has since told me he moved to my hometown and left behind his for me and the kids and that he has sacrificed everything.
When in actual fact what I've realised is, he didn't talk to his family. He was living with his ill gran in a small room with a single bed. He had seldom friends.

I gave him a home and a family (mine welcomed him with open arms) he constantly messages them for favours. He had none of that before.
They have all slowly but surely turned against him too.

These men don't show their true colours until it's too late. Which is why I wish I had someone to warn me.

Yes it is hard being a stepparent. Of course it is! But loosing your shit a the smallest things doesn't bode well for the future.
Kids splash in puddles, kids are full of energy. Showing your annoyance at this instead of trying to get to down their level when you first meet them isn't a good start.

You can have authority of course, but they need to learn to trust you first. The fact stands, if you know someone has kids, you know it isn't going to be easy. There is a difference with unruly children and children who are simply having fun.

Ahh he’s abusive Classic mumsnet

He isn’t abusive. He just doesn’t want to put up with your children’s annoying/rude behaviour of jumping in puddles and splashing other people. Or being loud around the neighbours when it’s time to be quiet.

My nieces and nephews jump in puddles. But they know not to do it and get other people wet. If I was this man, I’d be telling your kids off aswell!

In truth, people out of abusive relationships are very likely to get drawn into similar ones, because it's what's familiar and what feels like love. It's not true that you're more likely to spot the signs.

The worry is the speed at which this is moving. That's a red flag, rushing things along. And you say that this is driven by him, against your better judgement, and that he's overstepping into criticism at such an early stage in the relationship - not good signs.

I think him "feeling rejected" when you won't let him help (on things that are too soon for him to be helping with, and that he doesn't have the understanding of, yet) is emotionally manipulation, too.

He was splashed with puddle water, not toxic waste ffs. If he can't cope with being splashed with a little water from a puddle then he's not going to cope with an ASD meltdown or a typical temper tantrum or being vomited on or any of the other less fun aspects of parenting. He sounds very uptight and no fun at all. I hope the elephants spray him with water at the zoo 

OP, he is wanting to impress you and show you he is serious. I'm not sure there is much you can tell from an inexperienced man dealing with children tbh. I think you are rushing into things at 6 months and you have come to a forum with a load of women who are projecting their bad experiences onto your situation.

And of course typical mumsnet with the 'abusive' labelling of anything other than perceived perfect behaviour from men.

I have been where your bf is and I have made the same mistakes - he is likely still in that pre-parenting stage where he believes that he knows all about it. If he thought he would have a nice time with you and your kinds coming to stay and the reality doesn't match his mental image of what it would be like, he might be experiencing all kinds of cognitive dissonance and just cocking it up at every step.

My only experience of parenting had been my own mum and dad's (strict, united front) approach and I believed that if I loved the man I had to play a role in his daughter's life so followed the model I knew. Obviously was a complete bloody disaster. I wish he had told me - he was so careful not to criticise/upset me that actually I had no help in dealing with the situation or doing it better. We were all unhappy.

Perhaps your bf needs you to talk him through it all - not only a 'how to' but also your own feelings about it all. Communication is never a bad thing! Particularly if you bear in mind that this is a man you like/love and whose character so far you have appreciated. Maybe he needs to tell you what he is thinking/feeling/trying to do as well.

Good luck.

I'd tell family and friends kids it's not okay to jump in puddles and splash other people.

It's really, really not abusive.

I don’t think it’s abusive it’s incompatibility. Depends on whether he’s the type of person to listen and learn or pretend to listen then do what he wants to anyway because he thinks he’s right

I don't think anyone is saying it's abusive (or I've missed it if they have) - but it's red flag territory. Not the same thing.

Nobody said it was abusive.
We simply said this is what happened in our situation so be careful.
But I suppose if you haven't been in that situation it's easy to say we are all jumping to conclusions.

It sounds to me like you’re not compatible and I can’t see that it would get better.

He wants to be able to tell the children off when they do things he doesn’t like, but you want to be the one to give discipline. Neither of you are “wrong” but it’s a fundamental incompatibility. There’s not really any middle ground that won’t cause resentment.

I have a DSD and I think of myself more of an Aunt figure. Times when I would say something as an Aunt/step mum are:

When behaviour directly affects me or someone else in my care. I.e. being rude to me/other kids, annoying the cat, taking other kids things etc.
When behaviour is dangerous.

Other than that I leave it to my DH to sort.

That works for us. If my DH has said I could only say something in emergency life threatening situations (which would be his choice as a parent) that wouldn’t have worked for me as I’d end up feeling really frustrated and that I had no say in my own home.

Why would he be expected to ‘thank’ you for getting up with your own children?

So he can’t discipline them because they’re...your children, but he needs to be grateful when you look after...your children?

I hope he’s got enough self-awareness to realise this is not going to work. Sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.

I'd take my kids home in this situation. It's too intense. He's not ready.

@trytrytrytry

Well for the moment, you need to survive til Monday. Do your best to help minimise any problems between him and the kids - jump in early, jump in fast if it looks like either the kids are feeling got at, or he's feeling strung out and harassed.

If you have any time in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed, have a discussion about how you think the day went. Pick out a good example of where he had a great moment with the kids and really praise it. "Timmy really liked it when you..." or "Johnny thought it was hilarious when..."

Then talk about your parenting style, the way you do particular things or tackle particular behaviours, especially with regards to your ASD kid. Say that you appreciate him trying to help, but you have specific ways that you do things, and it's confusing to the kids if he does things that are contrary to the way you do things. Point out that you have years of experience dealing with stuff like this, and you've found the best routes to take. Tell him about what those routes are - for example distraction rather than discipline. Encourage him to leave it to you to sort the kids out, but if he feels like he needs to be involved then tell him flat that you want him to use your methods and copy you, not do what he himself thinks is best. Because in this situation you have the knowledge, you have the experience, and ultimately they're your kids, not his, so you get final say.

Finally, remind him that you do still like him as a person, and this isn't the be-all and end-all of your relationship together. Kids take practice. This is him getting that practice. Nobody is perfect the first time they do something new. Remind him you appreciate him wanting to help and thank him for it, even if you want him to help in a slightly different way.

This is what we called a "shit sandwich" at work. Good-bad-good. It helps people feel like they've done something good, but also gives them something meaty and solid that they can develop and tackle from a positive mindset, rather than just bad-bad-bad which tends to be demotivating.

There's also a huge amount of posters here projecting onto your DP. Abusive? Please. There's absolutely no reason to assume that based on the evidence you've given. He might have a stick up his arse and be stiff and uncomfortable when faced with days spent with kids, but that doesn't make him a monster. Over enough time then together you can work as a couple to pull the stick out and let him relax enough to be his usual fun self around your kids.

We are at the zoo. With another family who have 2 girls, younger than my two. He talks to them beautifully. I don’t get it.

I guess it’s because those girls aren’t staying in his house and he doesn’t feel any responsibility towards them?

After 6 months I’d cut my losses rather than trying to analyse the why’s.

He sees a “step parent” role as getting involved with telling off etc and you don’t. There will be other people out there that share your views and/or are closer to you in parenting style.