DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

Zucker I hadn't really thought about it like that.

And that is exactly what I can see too

Eventually he has turned his phone back on. I've asked if anything is wrong, and he says everything is fine. But it doesn't feel fine. So either it's me imagining things, or he's not being honest about what's going on.

I had years of gaslighting with my ex, and didn't recognise it at the time. But having read a load about it, that's what this feels like. It feels like I am being told I am imagining things. But I don't think I am.

I really don't understand why you are doing all this hand wringing over this guy who is showing you exactly who he is. You've had some excellent advice on here from women who have had similar experiences and are advising you to leave, myself included. It shouldn't be like this 6 months in. You should be happy and carefree and enjoying your time with each other, not walking on eggshells and wondering why he's gone distant and if anything is wrong. He IS gaslighting you. He's sulking and manipulating you. His message is very clear but you are choosing not to listen to him and you're not listening to the voice of many women here.

Red flags here. I suggest you look at this.
freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are already identifying similar patterns to your previous abusive relationship. So act on that. This isn't about the DC, as I suspect you are realising. It is about him being in control. His switching off his phone is a classic move. Do look at FP. Is a game changer. And get rid. For your sake, and your DC.

Thanks for the Freedom Programme link.

I'm so used to being told that I'm wrong, that I find it really difficult to trust my own judgement. So it's helpful to have opinions on here that mean I can get advice from other people and don't just have to rely on my own feeling about things, which I worry is often inaccurate.

I remember looking at the Freedom Programme stuff before. I find it difficult to identify with any of the characters that it portrays as they are so very extreme in their behaviours. Any of the abusive stuff I've experienced before has been (thankfully) small, that it's made me wonder whether it was abuse at all. Reading the freedom programme often just makes me think "well, my relationship isn't that bad..."

He’s on a charm offensive. I’m feeling trapped. I know none of this is good.

Why am I so reluctant to end it?

Cognitive dissonance Hun google it, your brain is telling you two different things simultaneously:-(

That's what we'd all like to know. All I get from your posts is that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness and that of your children for the sake of a shag. Harsh but that's what comes across.

Well it’s not for a shag
It’s more complicated - she’s doubting whether she is over reacting, she’s made that clear she is confused. She’s not sitting there thinking of his penis

Lol PerverseConverse that you think it's for the sake of a shag. It's hardly that.

Yes, I'm confused. The first 6 months have been great, and we have talked about future stuff together. This stuff with getting cross with the kids and then getting pissy with me and not telling me why is pretty new, it's not like it's been like this the whole time and I've chosen to ignore it. It's new, I don't understand it, and I don't know what to do about it.

However, (and I'm not labeling him as abusive before anyone criticises me for that), the ignoring followed by charm offensive really reminds me of my boyfriend at 18, who would tick all of the Freedom Programme boxes. He would hit me, then treat me so amazingly well that I was left wondering if the physical abuse had ever happened at all. It was a similar level of confusion. Did I just imagine it all?

All of these feelings with this guy are new. And yes, I don't know whether to jump to the conclusion that it's another abusive relationship and get out now just in case, or if I am really sensitive to any sort of behaviour that I feel might be abusive, but actually isn't, and then I've let go of what so far has been a good relationship.

Maybe we are 6 months in and he is showing his true colours.

But I really am not so desperate to be in a relationship that I'll put up with anything. I just don't know what the hell is going on!

He doesn't have to tick all the boxes. You are feeling as you have previously. Other posters agree it sounds off. Again I urge you to actually do the FP, even if online. It is about helping you . And it really can . Which will help you now and going forward. It is so hard to break out of the relationship dynamic you are used to. You need to. And so do your DC. Otherwise how will they know how to be in a healthy relationship themselves in the future.

OP you may be confused about certain things but not about the overall experience. It's not making you happy and it's not making the DC happy.

Parts of it do make me really happy though. That just adds to the confusion.

Abuse isn't constant. Otherwise none of us would ever get involved with abusive men. You are confused because that is what they do to us.

He isn't going to change. You are already modifying your behavior/ parenting choices. It will be impacting on your DC.

Get rid. Focus on you. Look into doing the FP.

I can’t seem to find a FP that I can attend in person. I haven’t found the online version helpful.

Have you actually done the course online, or just looked at some of the videos etc? It is worth contacting the facilitator closest to you anyhow as she might have some suggestions

You can also contact WA , and or other abuse support groups that might be able to suggest support groups.

I'm also getting that you don't really think that you are being coerced/ controlled or abuse and so this doesn't " fit". And I get that. I have been there, lots of us have.

But this situatin is not good. Even if it was just a mismatch re DC it would be right to leave. And a decent man would leave himself, or take responsibility for dealing with his issues around DC ( regardless of their behaviour). He isn't because he is using it to get control.

trytrytrytry I am not sure a FP is what you need. You have a DP who doesn't appear to like your DC and is hyper critical and doesn't like how you parent them. That's kind of the bottom line. The decision really is whether you continue with this relationship....only you can decide that and whether your happy for your DC to be around this man.

The OP has referred to previous abusive relationships. FP looks at helping womem who have/ are experienced abuse/ control. It isn't about sorting/ leaving relationships necessarily.

Regardless of what is going on now, the previous abuse will be impacting on the OP, and how she deals with it.

MsPavlichenko now that I completely understand!

MsPavlichenko I have worked through the course online, and have been in contact with local organisations previously about doing the course in person, but they don't have courses that run in the evenings and I work during the day so haven't been able to attend anything.

I'm feeling completely broken at the moment with lack of sleep (ASD son waking a lot at night). DP has been trying really hard to talk positively to the kids, but we had dinner together last night and he is somewhat appalled by their table manners (which I do admit can be improved), and was silent the whole meal. I know the poor guy can't win, when I am not happy either way for him telling off the kids or when he remains silent, but it made for a pretty difficult dinner time.

I don't think I can live like this. I don't know if it's just a billion times harder to see anything clearly because I'm so tired, or if I just need to get out of this situation.

I was really hopeful that this relationship would be good. But now I can just see how naive I was thinking I knew anything at all after 6 months.

I can't believe you are still with him and subjecting your poor kids to him. Ffs wake up. You have had pages of good advice and experience given here but keep ignoring it and just wringing your hands.

Noe of this should be this hard.

It shouldn't be a struggle for him to talk positively to your dc - he could manage just fine with those girls, couldn't he? it's not a choice between telling your kids off and being silent - that's a false dichotomy, there are also options such as, being cheerful and understanding.