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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

184 replies

Wecanbuttry · 01/11/2018 14:33

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/11/2018 14:34

You told him you would leave if he hit the kids......

Did you not mean it?

SkySmiler · 01/11/2018 14:35

Yes you should be worried, he's abusive to your children

Greensleeves · 01/11/2018 14:37

It would be curtains for dh and me if either of us hit the kids. Total red line. Remorseful or not.

Do you have a plan for splitting up, if that is what you've decided? Would he leave if you told him to, or do you have somewhere to go? is reporting him to the police for assault an option, if he hit her across the face while drunk?

I'm sure you'll get much better advice than i can offer, but Flowers

Fwend · 01/11/2018 14:37

Yes, you should be worried. He is both verbally and physically abusive.

Think about what you will teach your daughters if you stay and put up with abuse.

JaneR0chester · 01/11/2018 14:39

No, DH has never hit me or our kids. Not sober, not drunk. I don't believe that's acceptable behaviour.

If you've told your DH before that you would leave him if he hit the kids, then what are you waiting for now? Is being in a relationship (even an abusive one) more important to you than the safety of your kids and yourself?

Trinity66 · 01/11/2018 14:40

Absolutely not! It's no different to him hitting you is it? He assaulted your 15 year old, disgusting

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2018 14:43

A drunk aggressive man slapped your teenage DD in the face because she said something he didn't like.

What do you think you should do?

I'd hope you'd call the police but at the very least don't give your DDs the message to stay with violent aggressive men!

notacooldad · 01/11/2018 14:45

Jesus, that's bad. Seriously.
I have to deal with allegations less than this several times a week from teenagers and it is treated very seriously indeed.
Should you be worried? You need to ask? Fuck me, YES!

LadyBaneGrey · 01/11/2018 14:45

I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone

You know what to do then.

siakcaci · 01/11/2018 14:45

Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers

No. Of course he doesn't.

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink

Excusing his behaviour because alcohol?

Everything is good in our lives

It most certainly is not.

But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful

He hit her?

She slapped him back

Good.

In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty

Not the quiet and reasonable person you described ^ then?

he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past

And you did what to protect them from being abused?

I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids

Have you left?

I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone.

But you have let your DH abuse them?

DH is remorseful

Pish.

should I insist on him getting help?

No you should protect your children and leave. If he wants to get help he can seek it out himself.

Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work?

Most people either leave or stick around for more, which is you?

Should I be worried?

Your DH has physically abused your children and you don't know whether to be worried.

Come on OP, eyes wide open. Be a parent to your children. Protect them.

CaptSkippy · 01/11/2018 14:54

You told him what would happen and you made a promise to your kids. If you don't stand by it now then what are they going to learn? That it was an empty thread? That if push comes to shove there is nothing you can do against abuse?
He gets drunk, eventhough he knows it turns him violent, and then he slaps his teenage kids? Unacceptable.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 01/11/2018 14:55

OP, my dad used to hit me. Regularly and frequently.

I didn't realise it didn't happen to everyone until i was at school and my friend asked how I'd got the mark on my arm and I casually replied, "oh, my dad did it".

My dad slapped my face; hit me; dragged me upstairs by my arms/hair; dragged me across rooms; flung me into corners; flung me onto sofas; used restraint techniques on me so could neither stand up nor drop to the ground without causing damage to my body and pain.

I was 5ft2 and he was 6ft3. The level of force he used wasn't necessary.

I wasn't a 'problem child'.

I was scared of my dad.
Scared of my mother who never stopped it and, when I was in my 30s and asked her how it had never bothered her, why she had never stopped it, asked if I hadn't noticed she always left the room so she didn't have to see it happening.

That was 6 years ago and I haven't spoken to her since.

Do not stand by and let thia happen.

ThatWouldBeNO · 01/11/2018 14:58

Tell him to leave. He crossed the line and, for your daughters, you need to do everything possible to show them that you have their backs and will keep them safe.

Tell him to stop drinking and get anger management assistance - he is disgusting.

Original poster
Wecanbuttry · 01/11/2018 15:00

I don't condone his behavior in the slightest. He knows he has done wrong and the children know it. Would you all really leave after one slap that certainly didn't mark the skin without first trying to get professional help? Would you split up your family when it may never happen again? Would the kids be better off then? What would the implications be of divorce on the children? they'd have to leave their current school, move house, etc. You'd risk all that before trying alternatives?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 01/11/2018 15:01

FFS, I struggle to see why you even need to ask the questions. Children have a fundamental right to feel safe in their own home without fear of being assaulted. Once is once too often. Drink is not an excuse. If he is going to try and get help then let him do that but after he has been removed from the home. Stop making excuses. Stop looking for justifications to bury your head in the sand. Do what you need to do to protect your children and do it now, otherwise you are supporting his violent abuse of your kids.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

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Haberpop · 01/11/2018 15:03

My ex never, ever hit either of our teens. Ever. There is a pattern of escalation here, I'd tell him to leave his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Yogagirl123 · 01/11/2018 15:03

Never, ever, in any circumstances, DH has never laid a hand on our DS’ ever, they are mid to late teens now.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 15:04

and why do they have to leave school or move house? What a joke. Everyone I know who has split up, kids are still in same school, still in same house or different/smaller house but same school. It’s not rocket science love. People split for less serious reasons you know and everyone copes. What kids don’t cope with is being fucking assaulted in their own home by their own parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2018 15:05

It' not about you trying FFS.

He should be utterly destroyed and he should be seeking help, giving up alcohol immediately and leaving the house to keep you all safe while he does it. If there was any hope at all of him dealing with this. And he wouldn't try to return until he had some very serious therapy.

BTW I have a friend in his 40s dealing with this. His father was violent. His mother didn't leave. He blames her more than him (he has additional problems) and is now low contact, moving towards no contact. Your children will either be in abusive relationships later in denial, or blame you. There is no other option.

Haberpop · 01/11/2018 15:06

Would you all really leave after one slap that certainly didn't mark the skin without first trying to get professional help?

I wouldn't leave. he would. If he was serious about getting help then he can do it from outside the family home. Once he has sought help and worked on himself then maybe, just maybe, I'd think about trying again. You need to put the children first, it doesn't have to spell the end of the marriage but he needs to do the work away from the home environment.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 15:06

What MrsTerryPratchett said.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 15:07

and what Haberpop said.

HeresMeh · 01/11/2018 15:07

I don't understand why you've posted this when you've said in your OP you told him if he ever touched the kids you'd be gone... now he has and you're reacting angrily with posters saying to get out of there... what do you want from this post?

Also, totally agree with @Cawfee

BeerAndBassGuitars · 01/11/2018 15:08

I'd leave someone after the threat of a slap.

My exh has never hit either of our children. My brother doesn't hit his. In fact, I don't know anyone who physically disciplines their children.

Why did you tell him you'd leave if he ever hit the children if you didn't mean it?

What would you if someone else, another man, slapped your daughter?