Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

[Wecanbuttry]

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

Personally I wouldn't leave after one slap but only if since it happened your DH has sought help with his drinking and not drank since ie AA. Sought out counselling for his anger and some family counselling will also happen.

I think that your children can be taught that people are human and do make bad mistakes. They can overcome them and be remorseful.

If everything has stayed the same and life is to continue as it did before the slap, then I would be worried.

I think you should explain to your daughter that whilst it's not acceptable to wind up your DH, that he was in the wrong as he lost control. It's not her fault he lost control and she didn't deserve it.

My Dad did hit me as a child and I did wonder why my mother didn't do anything. But now I'm older I understand life is not as simple as you think as a child. But many people stay in domestic violence relationships as they "can't leave" which means all the things you stay, change of lifestyles, family spilt etc. And that can cause issues itself.

It's a tough situation Op.

When did it happens and what has DH done since ?

@hellhavenofury do you think it's okay if someone slaps their partner around the face in an argument? Stick it out if it only happens once? Or is it only okay if they're 15 years old....?

My dad was aggressive growing up. I was an absolute shitbag sometimes. But I never deserved him grabbing me. He never slapped me around the face, he had some reason. But all it did was make me dislike him and resent and pity my mum for tolerating it. Although it later turned out she didn't know about it. I now live with my parents but can't say I'm a big fan of the guy. But I'm not in control of who my mum is with, so don't have much say in the matter.

I'm only late 20s but every one of my friends pretty much was physically punished growing up. But not as a teenager (apart from me and a few friends who ended up in hostels or NC etc in later years) and also not being slapped to the face! Not acceptable. No physical punishment is but this is hardly a grey area.

I don’t know why anyone would need to have the conversation “I will leave you if you hit them” no normal parent would ever have to have that chat in the first place

Exactly the point I’ve made earlier.

The fact that even needed to be stated just illustrates that there is already an escalating pattern of abusive behaviour.

It’s hard to read that there are people apart from the OP who can’t see that and are looking for excuses

Hi Op, I know you said you are not replying to this thread but hopefully you are still reading it.

You want us to tell you this is going to be a one off and it will never happen again. We cannot and will not. It will happen again.

You have already told us the violence is building up, going from grabbing their wrists to a slap. It is going to get worse.

Your husband needs to leave. It is not safe for your daughters to be around him at the moment. It is not up to you or your daughters to fix this. He has to do it and be away while he is doing it.

Can I ask a question in all honesty do you and your children feel 100% safe around him? If he starts drinking tonight are you and your children 100% safe around him?

I suspect you all talking amongst yourselves as the op aint coming back....

It is pointless arguing about it
I don’t know why OP posted - I get the impression she felt that more people would be sympathetic. Unfortunately experience has taught me that women who make poor choices like this do not always want to listen to what they could do differently or better and often put the man first above the need of others. It is obvious here that the sympathy is going to be directed at the person who suffered a direct physical assault who is a child who cannot leave of her own accord. OP can leave, OP does not describe abuse directly at herself and wants to know how to help him. Perhaps this is denial about how relationships work - managing the actions of a fully grown man with a drink problem must be very hard work indeed. The denial line people cling to about ‘avoiding upheaval’ for the children is a fallacy that people like me know all too well. How does your daughter feel OP? If she isn’t scared of him then I imagine she’s very angry. Is he getting help for his obvious drink/aggression issue? Any boundaries? Such as no drinking when the kids are home? What measures do you go to to prevent your DH assaulting your children?

There is a level of aggression on this thread which is worrying. Surely this is classic 'boiling frog' territory? It's clear that whilst is bothered the OP enough to ask why, the fact she has to ask speaks volumes. I would absolutly perceive the Op has also been abused. What is worrying is that isn't it usually the threat to the child that prompts the realisation to get out.

It doesn't look as if that has happened.

Renarde1975

She might have had more support had she not already told him what the line in the sand was.

I never promised my ds i would leave if his dad hit him, because it never occurred to me that he would

Yes me too. It isn't a conversation one would have unless one already knew the man in question was violent.

No my DH (nor I) have ever hit my teenagers. Or my children at all, actually.

Kinda stuffed telling them to keep their hands/feet to themselves if we can't, aren't we? If DH tried to thump DS1 he'd come off worst - DS is taller, stronger and faster.

She might have had more support had she not already told him what the line in the sand was.
Which tells me you don’t fully understand the psychology of someone who is abused. It’s not as straightforward as it might seem.

Yet another one who disappears when told they are being unreasonable...

Yup. I hear that beer. But I'm also minded that ultimatums are strong things. The fact that she even felt the need to vocalise to him when the majority would take it as a given also speaks volumes.

Much more to this than meets the eye. For example, did the OP witness the assault? What could be perceived as the child 'winding up Dad' might well have been the child put under extreme provocation. In fact, if I had any money, I'd be betting on it.

Is also bet on the fact that the house environment is toxic and has been for years.

OP. I do believe you are reading this. Come back and keep talking if you can.

Or Lass has come from an abusive background and hasn't a clue what normal is.

Another Q I'd ask is how old the OP is?

The pages and pages of responses are normal. Nothing in life is black and white, but unless he’s checked himself into anger management then you’re all fucked. And I imagine your kids will emulate yours or his behaviour one way or another in life

My father once hit me when I was 16 because I said what he regarded as a rude word. It was degrading. I slapped him back and he got even more angry. DM was hysterical and told him you can’t smack a 16yo. He never did it again but I never forgot it.

Or Lass has come from an abusive background and hasn't a clue what normal is

Oh yes agreed. It isn't a "normal" conversation. It would never have occurred to me to have it.

Pookiedoo, exactly.

I was abused physically by my mum. I know what is wrong. How come the op doesn't? I'm asking genuinely as I don't understand why she wouldn't know.

My ex father used to hit me when I was a kid and it took me a long time to learn it wasn't normal or acceptable behaviour. What would you have done it he had hit you? Would that be ok? What if he hit one of your friends, or a neighbour? Your boss? See where I'm going with this?

I agree there is too much aggression on the thread. That is different from not giving OP a handhold and some flowers. She would like solutions how to keep the family together for her husbands sake. I do not hear what the children would like, only her perception that moving house may cause more harm. OP is concerned about over reacting and some PP’s have reacted badly. It’s a very emotive subject and if you want impartial advice on an assault of a child you probably won’t get it on a public forum full of women who have suffered abuse as children. If you want impartial advice you need to take it wider and stop the family secret - tell SS or your GP what has happened. None of us here should be expected either to not give advice based on experiences

Oh I agree give but the majority very rarely won't allow the facade to drop outside of the home. Much too dangerous.

Agree with you Lass it's just not normal.

I'm 43. I talked to a lovely copper of my age when I did finally report parents for harassing me. Question he posed was very telling. 'We were brought up in the 80s. Things that were accepted then are absolutely not now. Was what your parents did beyond what would be reasonable then?'

I answered yes. It was too much.

You see, I was also that 15 year old. F was drunk one Friday night. He got angry, didn't like the way I was looking at him. He then proceeded to take his shoes off and throw them at me. (!)

I, naturally stood up and confronted him verbally. He then threatened to punch me. He had his hand raised. I stepped back and stumbled over something. I crashed into the fireplace.

I remember being backed against the fireplace on on my arse. If it wasn't for my 12 year old brother intervening I genuinely believe I would have been breaten up if i wasnt able to escape. I slept with my heavy music stand in my bed for a few nights and jemmied my desk chair under my bedroom door handle.

Another good Q, is where was Mommie Dearest in the middle of this almighty row. Yup. In the kitchen going la is la.

Don't be Mommie Dearest, OP. You can do this.

I'd rather be penniless and on my arse than ever try and make a family unit work with someone who physically assaulted my children.

He hits you doesn't he op? That's why you had to threaten him you'd leave if he ever hit the kids, isn't it? Because that's not a conversation you have to have with your spouse unless he's violent.

I can't say for 100 percent sure, but I'm as certain as I can be if my husband hit our daughter our marriage would be over. I have never articulated this to him, because he never would hit her so it doesn't need to be said, it isn't a risk. The same as he's never had to threaten me with leaving if I ever hit her.

But you did need to make thr threat, and you're not going to leave. Just like you dont leave when he hits you.

I agree. The only way I could think you would say if you hit them I will leave you, is if you’d been hit yourself.
I hope you’re still reading op.
It’s not normal and it’s not ok. And I’m sorry this is happening, but you cannot bury your head in the sand