Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

[Wecanbuttry]

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

How has he shown remorse?
How does your DD feel about it?

Yes he needs to leave the house to protect the girls from further abuse. SS would most definitely be interested and if you can't get him out they would be looking for you to leave or removing the children from your care as you are not taking steps to protect them. He needs to leave and give you and the girls space, he needs anger management and parenting instruction and then a phased contact approach IF THEY WANT IT

He should leave
He should be remorseful
He should seek help

Dd s don't need to move school or home

You need to ensure a safe calm environment for your d ds
But up to.you ..if you don't they will be gone when they leave for uni and won't come back to visit....apart from having skewed view of accrptable adult behaviour

Op says he is remorseful and everything else is good in their lives. I'd say there is work to do but those saying they would call the police are OTT.

Not sure if it is worth commenting if you have left the thread, but particularly in the light of your on comments to him, I would be telling him to leave to keep your girls safe from him. She may have been what he would view as disrespectful but he attacked her while drunk even though he is now remorseful. He needs to address his tendency to resort to physical punishment ( grabbing wrists firmly- what ever that means- slapping) and his nasty tongue by the sound of it. He sounds a deeply unpleasant bully and good for her for hitting him back. Being drunk is not a reason for violent behaviour by the way.
I really don't know why you are asking the question.

Would you all really leave after one slap that certainly didn't mark the skin without first trying to get professional help? Would you split up your family when it may never happen again? Would the kids be better off then? What would the implications be of divorce on the children? they'd have to leave their current school, move house, etc. You'd risk all that before trying alternatives?

YES, BECAUSE HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.

Yes you should be worried.
My drunk dad also did similar. Unfortunately this escalated one time to him pinning me up against a wall by my throat as I had fought back at him to try to get away. I wouldn’t take the risk of this escalating further and serious harm befalling anyone. The emotional damage is what you can’t see and you are in serious denial about this

He has already grabbed their wrists firmly in the past and now he has slapped your 15 year old across the face. That is never acceptable and there is no justification for this violence shown towards your daughters.

If you keep on showing your DDs by word and deed that you are not going to protect them they will leave home sooner rather than later and will not want to go home. They will wonder of you if they do not already why you put this man before them. You are afraid of him as well but such excuses will not wash with your children.

You do realise if SS ever found out about this or she told a teacher the amount of shit you will be getting into? Not just him, YOU.

You're allowing your daughters to be raised by a physically abusive man, minimise all you like but that's the truth. You're setting them up for a life of thinking it's okay for their future partners to get drunk and get nasty with them or their own children. You need to put your own feelings for him aside, it might have been 'a little slap' but this type of thing ALWAYS escalates.

In your op you said that you told him you would leave if he hit your children, you knew that this would happen one day and you have failed to keep your word. You have failed to protect your children
My mother was very violent towards me when I was a child and a teenager. I grew up thinking that it’s ok to lash out. ITS NOT OK.
I have had no contact with my mother for years and as she is 85 it’s likely that she’ll die without ever seeing me or speaking to me again
You won’t be breaking up your family he has done that

By not leaving all you'll do is 1) teach him he can be abusive - he'll most likely escalate and 2) teach your daughters to put up with such behaviour.

I’m always shocked by the aggression shown on these threads.

Would you split up your family when it may never happen again?

He’s already shown a pattern of being physically and mentally abusive yet you make it sound like this is the first time and everything is good otherwise.

You’ve already said your husband is argumentative and aggressive but you accept it and he hasn’t got help.

You’ve said this escalates when he’s been drinking and yet you accept this and he still drinks.

He’s got physical before and grabbed your girls wrists yet you’ve tolerated this and made an empty promise that you’d leave him. Now he’s hit your child and you’re saying it’s a first time! This is far from being a first and you still accept his behaviour and make excuses for it.

I’ve never needed to say to my husband that I’d leave him if he hit our teenager. You have! Your perception of what is normal and acceptable is way off. It’s normal and acceptable for your family in your view because you’ve got used to it. This is so beyond normal that you really have to take action to protect yourself and your girls. You all deserve better and they are at an impressionable age so it has to be sooner rather than later

This is a really good way to ensure your dds go no contact with you when they're old enough. Also they're learning that it's okay to be hit.
Yes, for me it's a deal breaker. I guess you don't mind so much because he's not hitting you. Why do you allow your dds to be abused? You should be ashamed of yourself. The fact that you keep coming back to explain why you want to stay is weak and you are failing your children.

I grew up in that home. I don't see my parents anymore.

It is difficult answering these threads because you're dealing with other peoples emotions and experiences and they find it hard to separate themselves. They rant at the op rather than find out what is going on and how does the dd feel now has she spoken to her about it. I would loved to know that instead they pissed her off and she fucked off. No good end results nothing.

MissMalice

Are you equally shocked about a fully grown man being aggressive towards his teenage children?

Or equally shocked that his wife told him what the consequences of hitting them would be but then not following through when it happened?

Or equally shocked she felt the need to set it out as an expectation in the first place?

Because actually all you've witnessed here is people telling her she should do exactly what she herself told him she'd do all along.

Seriously, people on here can be so dramatic! When I was a cocky, bigheaded 15 year old girl being mouthy to my dad/mums OH I am sure he thought about slapping me too and TBF I probably deserved it so he should of done. Its not like she is scared to be around him because he is so abusive. Agreed, he shouldn't of done it of course not and he may need help to curb his temper BUT breaking up a solid family home over it IMO is not necessarily needed!

Yes I am. And I’ve advised he should leave.

What isn’t necessary is an aggressive approach to an OP who is undoubtedly shocked, overwhelmed and frightened at the situation she finds herself. A bit of compassion can go a long way.

And no that isn’t “all”. There are posts implying her kids will cut contact with her. We don’t know that. There are posts suggesting she’ll be in “so much shit” with social services. We don’t know that either. The threshold for social services intervention is high.

We can advise the OP firmly without scaremongering.

There isn't anything that my dcs would do that would make me behave like this. It is not acceptable anywhere. It is against the law. There are laws about domestic violence to protect vulnerable children .

I am sure he thought about slapping me too

Whether he thought about it or not, he didn't. That's the difference.

I've had to walk away from mine because they are incredibly irritating at times. I'm sure I could have slapped mine on occasion and someone would have told me they understood me doing it.

But I haven't and I wouldn't because it's wrong and I have self control and take responsibility for my own actions.

What surprises me is that most of the posts on here is talking about themselves and no one is asking the op any questions. Its like a free rant session.

There are posts implying her kids will cut contact with her. We don’t know that

No if course no one knows that. But some people have, including me, and that is one of the reasons why.

This wasn't a one off slap; an isolated incident. It's an escalating pattern of abuse.

buzzlightyearandwoody

What questions do you think she should have been asked?

There is a pinned post at the top of Relationships that states the acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. That doesn't just refer to romantic or sexual relationships.

She herself told him that she'd leave if he ever hit them. He hit one of them anyway.