Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

[Wecanbuttry]

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

I echo what Bluntness has sad!

Your dh has hit you hasn’t he OP?

He is verbally and emotionally abusive to you too isn’t he!

It has always been justified because he gaslighted you into thinking it was your fault. You justify it, thinking he is a good Father and he adores your daughters, he would never hurt them!

Only they are older now, not bowing down to their Father the way he has trained you to! I bet they hate the way he speaks to you! If you think that they don’t know that he hits you,then you are wrong! They know! They know and they likely hate him for it!

You promised your DH that if he hurt your girls, you would leave! Only now he has, you are still afraid to stand up to him!

Please contact woman’s aid OP and buy the book ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft and read about the different profiles of abusers!

You and your girls will be so much happier when you leave your abusive bully of a husband! Most importantly, you will teach your daughters a very important message about abuse! You will teach them that they are worth so much more than an abusive man! You will teach them zero tolerance of domestic violence!

Look at your daughter, picture her as she was as a baby, as a toddler, at every age, imagine condoning an adult man hitting her and there being no repercussions .

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because she is older and looks almost grown up that this is ok! Inside is a tiny girl who is terrified and devastated that the man who she should always be able to rely upon, the man who should protect her at ALL costs has physically assaulted her! Even worse is that her Mother, who she thought would always protect her has condoned his behaviour.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because she is older and looks almost grown up that this is ok! Inside is a tiny girl who is terrified and devastated that the man who she should always be able to rely upon, the man who should protect her at ALL costs has physically assaulted her! Even worse is that her Mother, who she thought would always protect her has condoned his behaviour

Could not agree more.

I used to cry from loneliness. Nobody wanted to listen. I was banned from saying I was running with my gran the household because mum was psychotic.

No one was on my side. Even when I did find a friend once, Dad made me give it up.

But children have this awkward habit of growing older. Then it changes.

Renard, me too. I only realised two years ago that the way I cried as a child/teenager is actually a panic attack.
It's hard to keep friends when you can't invite them home because of your parents. I was so lonely as I was bullied at home and at school. I used to worry my mum would kill me while I was sleeping. My parents made it clear they preferred my bully because I was such an embarrassment. As I wrote earlier I am no contact with my parents.

"DD was being disrespectful"

Umm no, OP said she was being what he would regard as disrespectful; huge difference.

"Anyone who has teens will know that sometimes they really push the buttons"

As above, you actually have not a fkg clue what either OP's partner or her daughter said or how they acted. She was not specific about it (perhaps intentionally). The daughter could have been reacting completely justifiably to the behaviour of a drunk man (it's not like drunk people are known for reasonable, considerate behaviour, are they).

Anyway OP was looking for justification in forgiving the incident and advice on how to smooth it over and move on from it. That was clear from the 'i always said I would ... BUT ..'

The OP said she was leaving the thread on P2, I think it was.

No never. Even when pushed to his limits DH will remain mostly calm. I can think of a few situations where he’s shouted a bit, but only things like “do not speak to us in that tone” or “right, no computer for one week”.
Never abusive in action or language and if he was, I’d certainly have something to say about that.

If the scenario changed slightly, let’s say you are at a restaurant/pub and a drunk man hit your daughter in the face how would you react?
I would be involving the police.
Why isn’t the situation taken as seriously because the offender is a loved one?