Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

[Wecanbuttry]

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

My dad was in your situation, he made the same choice as you and put his wife (my mum) first, my mum continued to emotionally and physically abuse me. At 17 I left home, I was non-contact with them for many, many years and my relationships with my father and mother were damaged forever.

I would be telling him to go and stay with family / rent a flat whilst he sought professional help. Only when I could see he was seriously addressing his issues would I consider whether the marriage could be saved.
Your girls need to see you being strong in the face of unacceptable behaviour. Show them a good example.

I have a special-needs and my dad was always very verbally abusive toward me, even though he was physically abusive towards my mother. Then, the last and only time I saw him in the past eight years, he physically went after me. Put his hands on my neck, so of the meat so I fell on the floor. My aunt was standing in the same room and did not say a word to intervene even though I was screaming to call the police. Please take Take this seriously because if he has done it once, he will do it again. This is why I have never seen my father again and if I ever do, it will not be on my own and it will be in a public place.

Your ds shouldn't even touch your kids or be verbally abusive, he shouldn't of grabbed her wrist. Your children will grow up knowing you chose your boyfriend over your children and they don't feel safe with you, that's what they will think they will have no respect for you anymore and tbh I dont blame them.

If your children are being "disrespectful" he should talk to you about it not your children! He has no right to talk to your children like that or tell them off!

Its not a one off is it. Its an escalation, starting with verbal abuse, moving to wrist grabbing and now moving to slapping. Presumably because his teenagers daughters no longer want to fall in with his world view.

OP how much do you walk on eggshells making sure he is happy because you fear a verbal backlash if you dont. And then back down when it happens. This is because your daughters dont want to back down anymore.

its not a one off

You sound like you're really hurting, OP. I think you need to allow some time to let a bunch of other people's response to what your husband did sink in. We don't all know each other, there is no conspiracy here. Somewhere along the line your standards for the acceptable level of violence and agression that a man can show a woman has gone skew-whiff. Probably from a long time with your verbally and physically abusive husband.
Let your girls see that you will always protect them.

He needs to stay somewhere else.

This must be such an awful shock for you. You write about the warning signs but I imagine you’ve perhaps been in an bit of denial about how things were so that you could stay together as a family. You must be devastated to be facing this reality - to be torn between protecting your children and holding your family unit together.

It is possible to come back from this - and your children’s safety is the most important thing right now. He needs to go and seek help. Then I’d seek help as a family. Then I’d consider how you can begin living together again.

I’d be so frightened in your shoes but you need to do the right thing, right now. Don’t wait for it to get worse.

I’m sorry you haven’t got what you wanted from this thread OP.
On the off chance you are still lurking, I feel obliged to say, if anyone of my friends had told me their DH had slapped their daughter I would call the police immediately. Regardless of circumstance that is abusive behaviour. He is the parent, dd is the child. Drunk or not he has done it once, it will happen again. People are creatures of habit, could you ever trust him around your children again? What if he hit you? Rather than shouting at posters on here, perhaps you need to realistically consider what you want for your family life. Do you want your teenagers thinking this is acceptable behaviour? Do you want them to grow up thinking that all men do this if stressed/drunk/unhappy or whatever?
In answer to your question, if my DH did this, I would have him arrested and he would be out the door before I could say p**s off.

BeerAndBassGuitars - My childhood was very much the same as yours and for me it was normal, I was never yanked by the hair but was hit across the body often, dragged along the floor etc and was not a problem child although I started to become one through this. My Mum never spoke up, which is odd as her father never laid a finger on here so it wasn't here norm. I am 42 and I felt my parents were from a generation where it was acceptable to hit children the phrases 'a good hiding' and 'you'll get a smacked bottom' were common in our house.

Besides that, my Mum and Dad tried to do the best for us in what were often very stressful circumstances. I actually have a good relationship with them as an adult and they would do anything for me.

However, being hit regularly left its emotional mark. I've suffered from depression since being a teen and I've struggled with poor self-esteem. In my late teens I ended up in a relationship with someone that ended up hitting me and putting me in hospital needing 20 stitches. Because it didn't seem that much of a big deal to be hit by a man. The trouble with hitting your children is that it does leave its mark psychologically leaving a lifetime of mental health problems.
I am fortunately married to a very calm, kind man and neither of us hit our two children as I value their mental health over everything. I think you need to have a very serious talk with your husband and also in this scenario let your daughter know you are on her side on this one. When I was hit that caused me the biggest pain, that my mum never stuck up for me.

Christ on a bike.

Your pisshead 'D'H belts your DD and you want to try and work it out?
To be brutally frank I'd phone SS on you without hesitation if I knew you.

My Dad used to belt us for bullshit reasons - not putting a knife and fork on a plate correctly after eating was a justifiable reason for a back hander.
To this day I am still incredibly resentful towards my DM for sitting back and doing fuck all. They day she divorced him I can remember crying with joy.

You're an absolute disgrace if you don't kick him out and protect your kids!

My mum used to hit me hard around the head as a teen. Social services got involved and all they did was told me not to annoy her. I’m not sure social services would care about one occasion of a slap that didn’t leave a mark. And while I am cautious this could escalate and therefore the Op needs to protect her children straight away, a childhood of regular beatings is not the same as one slap. Neither are okay, and they are not the same.

I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone

Why are you posting on here then, you have your answer. Your husband is abusive and your children are in danger.

Why is he still there, ffs tell him to do one.

I would tell him to quit drinking if it was making him switch and behave badly. Is he normally like this when he's sober?

I never promised my ds i would leave if his dad hit him, because it never occurred to me that he would. And despite his severe mh problems, he never did.

What will you say if your dd hits your grandchild?

I see this slightly differently OP. You say everything else is good, he is remorseful. DD was being disrespectful.

Anyone who has teens will know that sometimes they really push the buttons. One of mine does and can be incredibly goady, cheeky and disrespectful. One time she was absolutely vile, DH smacked her face.He felt terrible, she ran upstairs. But a long story short, he apologised to her and to me, she apologised to him, they talked about why it happened. They are closer than ever.
I remember my mum slapping me across the face in the middle of a shop as a teen. I was also being extremely rude to her at the time. My mum was the best mother ever. I don't think this alone is grounds for leaving your otherwise good DH.

What would your counsel be to someone in this situation?.

He has in all likelihood never sought and never will seek professional help. He does not want your supposed help or support and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him here in any case. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

You have failed to protect them from his abuses of you and now them. You have now become inurred to his abuse of you and your boundaries, already shafted under his regimen, have further shifted downwards. If you cannot protect them from their dad, who will?

Once is once too many times and its not just one time either. This is both repeated behaviour and a further escalation from him.

Wouod you really leave for a slap?

In this case yes because it wasn’t one slap. It’s a string of unacceptable behaviour towards you and the dcs.

I wouod ask him to leave. I wouod ask him to get some help for his aggressive behaviour and then to prove said training has made a difference. Aka he has stopped been aggressive in any shape or form (incl verbal btw). Alcohol or not.
I wouod EXTREMELY careful to invite him back in our life

If my husband ever laid a finger on our children I would leave him in a heartbeat.
This is not ok op.

I see this slightly differently OP. You say everything else is good, he is remorseful. DD was being disrespectful.

Anyone who has teens will know that sometimes they really push the buttons

How incredibly sad 

OP You set the consequence

I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids

If he did that to a 15 year old child in the street he would be arrested and charged with assault facing a prison sentence.

But it's not just 1 slap:

-can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior
-aggressive, particularly when he's had a drink
-I have known my DH to be verbally nasty
-he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past

The way you've written this suggests multiple instances of violent and unacceptable behaviour and a drinking problem.

Everyoneiswingingit,

How is the OP's husband otherwise a good H?. The differences between what you describe and what has happened in the OPs household are many. Your H here was remorseful, he took responsibility for his actions, apologised and it was discussed openly afterwards. There has been no repeat either from him.

What happened in your home has not happened in the OPs home.

Everything else is not good as you so put it, my guess is that everything is "good" when the OP herself is mouse quiet, walking on eggshells and undemanding in her needs. She is teaching her DDs here to act that same way.

You are probably afraid of him yourself OP, isn't that right? Otherwise you wouldn't be coming on here hoping that we will tell you it's normal behaviour.
You've convinced yourself all his other behaviour is 'normal' but this pushed even your boundaries.