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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

184 replies

Wecanbuttry · 01/11/2018 14:33

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/11/2018 15:10

You said you'd leave him if he hit the kids.

You didn't say you would worry about the logistics of leaving and not give up before he got help if he hit the kids.

You lied and hopefully your daughter will tell a trusted adult who will help her get away from both of you. You are now complient and equally as bad for not protecting your kids from their dad.

You do know this will happen again now he's pushed through that boundary. Will you forgive the next time?

Ollivander84 · 01/11/2018 15:10

I didn't realise this was normal 
My mum hit me more than once, always around the head

LadyBaneGrey · 01/11/2018 15:10

You probably should have left when he started the verbal abuse and grabbing of wrists but you didn’t and it’s now escalated. Stay now and see what happens next - a punch, a choke... men kill their partners and children every week in the uk. It probably started with “just” a drunken slap too.

SimplyPut · 01/11/2018 15:11

I love my husband dearly but I would die for my children.
As parents we are their last line of defence against the world... don't stay and show them this is condoned.

Move2WY · 01/11/2018 15:11

I wouldn’t want to break up my family, but it would be him that has not you. But If you do decide to insist on him getting help you have to let the kids know that this is his only condition on staying.

Basically they need to know that you’ve told him to leave or get help and stay so they can feel protected by you.

I would also ask them their opinion

brownmouse · 01/11/2018 15:11

Your husband slapped a young woman around the face. She's will learn that is ok in a marriage. What if Shen told you her husband was slapping her? What would you advise her?

Your husband needs to leave and should have left already, if he felt any genuine remorse. He can stay with family or friends if he has nowhere to go.

Or a homeless shelter for men who get drunk and assault women. He will find many similar peers there.

Original poster
Wecanbuttry · 01/11/2018 15:12

This is the first and last time I post here. Thinking I might get sensible support and advice was totally niave of me. Why is it necessary to use foul and abusive language? Rational and well thought out responses is clearly not your strength. Life must be so easy when it's Interpreted so simplistically .

OP posts:
Worriedmummybekind · 01/11/2018 15:13

I recall my dad having a scuffle with my brother, but the difference was my brother started being physical and not my dad. They were the same strength and whilst not okay, it wasn’t an attack. Your DH hitting his teen daughter for being disrespectful well crosses the line. I think he should leave the house until he is ready to fully apologise to your DD.

WTBE · 01/11/2018 15:13

Your kids will remember what he did, and what you allowed him to do.

If you were my friend/relative I would be telling you to LTB. Yes only over "one slap that didn't mark" Confused

Seaweed42 · 01/11/2018 15:13

OK. If a drunk man from outside on the street came into your house and whacked your daughter across the face. What would you do?

You can dress that up whatever way you want to make it look nicer.
A man whacked your daughter across the face.
He's a violent Drunk.
Just because he's her Dad doesn't make it okay.
She's a teenager. He's an adult.
Alcohol is no excuse for being a violent thug.

LadyBaneGrey · 01/11/2018 15:14

OP you seem to have more vitriol for posters giving advice through concern for your daughters’ safety than you do for your abusive husband. Your poor DDs.

Trinity66 · 01/11/2018 15:15

What would the implications be of divorce on the children?

Not getting slapped around?

HeresMeh · 01/11/2018 15:15

@Wecanbuttry my post is a genuine question that you've not answered tho...

The point of mumsnet Isn't for you to post something as serious as your OP and then leave because you've not received the 'correct' responses from posters. I agree, folks use of inappropriate language isn't required, but you've said on your first post you'd leave if you husband hit your kids, he has, and now you've said it's irrational to leave... what do YOU think is an appropriate response to the situation?

What If one of your mates came to you and told you the story you've just written in your OP? What advice would you give them?

gamerchick · 01/11/2018 15:16

You are showing your daughter that she's not going to be protected. I'm not sure what 'sensible advice' looks like in that situation.

You said you had told him you would leave if he hit the kids. You have no intention of doing that so what do you expect us to say? Confused don't tell him things you don't mean.

HE needs to leave until he's proven he's given up the alcohol and has got help on his own to control his temper. Then maybe he can come back.

This way you're giving him the green light for the next time.

OverByYer · 01/11/2018 15:17

I work in child protection and this is not acceptable.
We have two teenage sons, the eldest of whom has been very challenging at time, but my husband wouldn’t dream of hitting him.

I don’t know what you are expecting us to say to you.

lesenfantsbouef · 01/11/2018 15:17

Exactly the same as @BeerAndBassGuitars experience. Difference is i am early 20's now so this hideousness is recent. I am NC with my father and my dm has died now but I don't feel she did enough to protect me.

siakcaci · 01/11/2018 15:17

I don't condone his behavior in the slightest

Your response says otherwise

he knows he has done wrong and the children know it.

They also know you won't protect them

Would you all really leave after one slap

It's not just one slap though? Read your OP again for detail.

that certainly didn't mark the skin

He hit your child.

Zwithout first trying to get professional help?

I would leave. He needs help. Your children need protected. These are 2 separate actions.

Would you split up your family when it may never happen again? Would the kids be better off then? What would the implications be of divorce on the children? they'd have to leave their current school, move house, etc. You'd risk all that before trying alternatives?

He has done a good job on you.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 01/11/2018 15:17

Life must be so easy when it's Interpreted so simplistically

So what exactly did you mean by the following sentence in your op?

I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone

If you told him you'd leave him if he hit the kids and he hit the kids
Then you leave.

Its the kind of basic logic computers are programmed with.

Why say it if it weren't true?

CaptSkippy · 01/11/2018 15:18

You let you husband slap your kids, but the truth from posters here is "abusive" and "foul"? You need to sort out your priorities.

It's easy to blame other women, isn't it, rather than the man who commited actually violence ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2018 15:19

Why is it necessary to use foul and abusive language?

You won't tolerate foul language directed at YOU. But you will tolerate violence directed at your child. Remember that. In 20 years when your child isn't speaking to you. Unless you do the right thing now, when your child will thank you for being strong and brave.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 01/11/2018 15:19

Rational and well thought out responses is clearly not your strength
But oeople are only telling you to do what you've 'always' told him would happen anyway.

I actually don't understand what the problem is!

Parker231 · 01/11/2018 15:20

Should I be worried? Yes - he has assaulted your DD. Has he left the home yet and have you called the police?

Plessis · 01/11/2018 15:21

I'd be heartbroken if my dh hit one of my teenage dds. I think it's a complete red line. It's weird as well, what normal bloke wants to hit a teenage girl?

Ellisandra · 01/11/2018 15:23

You sent a wonderful message to your daughter never to tolerate abuse.

I would have preferred that she called the police on this arsehole who doesn’t deserve the word father, but good on her for hitting him back.

You did well, teaching her not to take it. Now follow your own good parenting.

Remember that if you want to give him a chance, he can do that by moving outside of the home and working on it from there.

sachabloom · 01/11/2018 15:24

@Wecanbuttry how can you not interpret this simply though!!! You said you'd leave him if he hit your children..... he hit your child and now people are telling you to leave!!!!

No one is trying to hurt your feelings but for goodness sake, put your daughters first and work on your marriage later!! Get him out of the house and stop defending him. Is your daughter ok?????