Do your DHs ever hit your teenagers?

[Wecanbuttry]

My DH is generally quiet and reasonable but can be prone to argumentative and aggressive behavior, particularly when he's had a drink. We have two teenage girls, oldest is 15. Everything is good in our lives, we are very lucky. But recently DH slapped our eldest on the face when he was drunk and she was being what he'd regard as disrespectful. She slapped him back, my youngest told him to stop by which time I was in the room. In the past I have known my DH to be verbally nasty, not in what is said, but in tone and he has grabbed their wrists firmly in the past. I've always told him i wold leave him if he ever hit the kids and I've always told the kids they should never tolerate any abuse from anyone. DH is remorseful. Should I insist on him getting help? Had this happened to anyone else and did getting help work? Should I be worried?

No but what I am saying is a slap to bring me down a peg or 2 wouldn't have done any harm. He didnt leave a mark so cant of knocked her off her feet or done it to actually harm her.

If he is a shit when he is drunk then yes he needs help but to lose his whole family over it?. Really?

You know at 15 it's illegal right? It's just like assaulting an adult. Would you act differently if he hit your face? Protect your child ffs you selfish woman. Call the police. Your poor daughter. What sort of life is she going to have with future men?

And can I also add - Things aren't always so black and white!

Can you love a man that is capable of physically assaulting your child?

I recently left my ex-OH not only for being a cheating bastard, but on confrontation he became aggressive towards my teenage daughter (15) when she was trying to defend me. Squaring up to a teenage girl when you are a 6ft 2 male is not on. We left that night.

Hellhathnofury no one needs to be slapped to be brought down a peg or two. I guess from how you have phrased it you were never slapped as a teenager around the face.

I see this slightly differently OP. You say everything else is good, he is remorseful. DD was being disrespectful.

Anyone who has teens will know that sometimes they really push the buttons

I have two teens dcs at home. It would never cross my mind to slap them, nor would H.
Imo they were much harder work and were pushing my buttons much more as toddlers.
Strangely enough, you never see anyone saying that because your toddler has pushed your buttons and were behaving badly, it’s ok to loose your calm and slap their bottom...
And you wouldn’t say it’s ok to hit anouther adult in the street because they’ve been rude to you....

And she’s probably frightened and overwhelmed. Do you really think aggressive and emotionally charged posts are going to help? In fact, might they continue to overwhelm her so she shuts down and does nothing (a normal trauma response)?

As I said, a bit of compassion and empathy for her can go a long way. It’s possible to feel protective towards the children and empathy for the OP at the same time. As much as I disagree with the law (and I do strongly disagree with it) a slap that doesn’t leave a mark could well be considered reasonable chastisement.

I often wonder if those who shout about social services have actually had any involvement. I have seen cases of serious emotional abuse turned away and cases of physical abuse turned away. The thresholds are high.

The Op still needs to do the right thing. Scaremongering won’t help anyone.

If he is a shit when he is drunk then yes he needs help but to lose his whole family over it?. Really?

This is a fascinating perspective.

What about his children's needs for safety and protection?

Or rather than does he need to lose his family does he deserve to keep them if he threatens and is verbally absuve and grabs their wrists and has now hit one of them?

I'm just not sure why his needs should be prioritised over theirs.

What surprises me is that most of the posts on here is talking about themselves and no one is asking the op any questions. Its like a free rant session.

Because we know exactly how it feels to be a 15 year old girl and assaulted by a drunk father

I don’t know how it feels to be in OP’s shoes because I wouldn’t let it happen. I could ask my mum why she let it happen? She says I wound him up or that she was scared of him. A multitude of excuses that I don’t care for. Much like the Op’s Excuses

BeerAndBassGuitars

You scared her off so you haven't helped her the level of aggression on this thread is unacceptable. You cant ask her questions if you're not prepared to help her.

And i think a lot of the responses are due to shock that she was the one who initially took a hardline response by telling him if he hit them she'd leave and then came on her asking what she'd do about it.

Maybe there are those who think leaving is unnecessary - and i can see why it would feel huge- but that was her line in the sand too!

PookieDo

Exactly.

People are only going off what you say!

You obviously didn't mean what you said about leaving him if he ever hit the kids, otherwise you'd have gone!

He sounds unstable and you need to leave for all your sakes before he does something worse. These things often start with a slap or a push and escalate.

People's responses are directly proportionate to how ridiculous you are being by not leaving.

My upbringing wasn't a bed of roses either but that doesn't mean I would dismiss the op because of how I feel.

I am not condoning what he has done and he clearly needs help with his drinking/temper and I have stated that.

But I stand by that, its not like he is abusing (and i wouldnt call 1 slap abusing) them everyday etc etc he can get help and change.

Logistically, I would ask him to give space so he can sort himself out for himself and his family. That is different to outright saying you are a deadbeat and do 1.

I wouldn’t let it happen

Do you know how many abused women who, before they were abused, felt like that? And when they realised how bad it had got, didn’t know how to leave?

I am genuinely sorry that you weren’t protected in a way you needed to be. I wasn’t either. It’s a horrible thing to realise - that your own mother didn’t protect you. I can’t hold much empathy for my own mum but I can for OP. I can see how it happens. Abused women need support, not further bashing.

Op says he is remorseful and everything else is good in their lives

OP also says he is an aggressive drunk who has grabbed them by the wrists before.

buzzlightyearandwoody

I shared my experience. I didn't tell her to do anything and I wasn't aggressive.

I told her what happened in my house and I'm not alone in that experience.

I told her what the consequence of that was in my family. As a cautionary tale. Not a threat and not aggression.

She just didn't want to hear that. She wanted to he reassured that it was "only once" or that we were sure "he'll never do it again".

And no one can do that.

@MissMalice Actually I come from an abusive background, in care since 6 weeks old and grew up around SS, so I think I have a reasonably good grasp. Also had SS intervene with my own child when it was me who was assaulted through DV. I can almost guarantee you they would be involved in a full grown man slapping a 15 yr old - especially an angry 15 yr old who may not downplay it if she told someone else. Doesn't matter how severely they come down, no one wants that involvement.

But I stand by that, its not like he is abusing (and i wouldnt call 1 slap abusing) them everyday etc etc he can get help and change.

The OP described am escalating pattern of abuse.

And he can get help to change. But he needs to leave the family home and show that he is serious about it. She neds to enforce that to protect her children.

Yes, and he needs help for that.

You have just echoed what I said - What I mean is other people are literally running with 'he is an abuser and nothing can be done apart from leave etc' which I disagree with.

I don’t know why anyone would need to have the conversation “I will leave you if you hit them” no normal parent would ever have to have that chat in the first place

I havnt read all the responses but I was hit many, many times when growing up and even into my very late teens. I (thank God) documented some of it in a diary as both parents gaslit me.

The abuse I suffered went far beyond physical chastsement. Yes, it fucked me up but not as much as the mental stuff.

He needs to be removed from the house OP. And id get those kids to a trained therapist. Pronto. Don't let the feelings engendered by the abuse fester in their minds. Or even worse, repress it.