I’m shaking with anger

[hooveringhamabeads]

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

I get that you don't trust him now. You were right to end it with him on that basis.

However it may be that your possessiveness over the phone made him not trust YOU. If I was with a man who told me I was never to go near his phone I would also be suspicious.

I mean that as kindly as possible so you can see from his point of view.

You've had a shock op. Please do look after yourself. X

He knows WHY I am so funny about having my stuff looked through, what I went through with my ex was so extreme that I had a book published about it, which he has read, so he knows about all that in a lot of detail. I would never dream of invading someone’s privacy like that. And he had absolutely no reason to think I was up to anything.

Reading other threads on this forum makes me realise that it is apparently quite common for women to check up on their husbands in this way. And that anangry reaction from the DH / DP is a red flag

< sorry, not a helpful response >

My ex did this, I have no idea how but he could see everything I looked at online on my laptop and phone (I had never done anything to make him suspicious). It’s an absolute violation. I understand why you’re so angry. It’s horrible, ghastly, to think your partner is doubting you and spying on you. It’s creepy. I’m sorry

Why do you still have messages from your ex?

If someone made it clear i was not to go through their stuff that would heighten my suspicion and I'd be more likely to go through them! YABU

I’ve got all the WhatsApp messages I’ve ever been sent...do most people go through and delete old conversations? I also have every email I’ve ever been sent, I don’t delete things. Not for any other reason other than there’s not enough hours in the day.

Oh hold on a sec......

Firstly I'm sorry for what you've been through. That is a stand alone matter and a wrong done to you and it's important.

No he should not have broken your trust in that way.

If it's that big a deal to you, he should have respected it shouldn't he.

Do you feel as,tho it's now over?

In the kindest possible way OP, your attitude over your phone, regardless of your history, would make a saint feel insecure at times. You've effectively put your phone out of bounds to him & got stroppy when he broke your rather out rules. The poor guy is paying fir your abusive ex & that really isn't fair.

You need to get to grips with your past & stop letting it affect your present & those in your life,otherwise your abuser has won. I'd suggest counselling & some serious thought as to whether you are actually ready for a healthy relationship with all of that baggage still holding you down.

I personally wouldn't trust a partner who made such an issue of keeping their phone secret. It's all very selfish & smacks of only you being important in this relationship. Maybe for his sake you are best off letting him go & sorting out that baggage properly, instead of expecting your partner to carry your baggage too

Takes less than a second to delete a whole Whats App conversation.

Man: "don't ever touch my phone."
Man: "don't ever check my phone."
Man: "stop drinking"
Man: "you've taken my advice."
Man: "we're in a committed relationship but don't check my phone"
Man: "oh you're feeling insecure?"
Man: "yeah so what if I have messages from my ex?!"
Man: "now I'm really angry"

I don't think anyone should be going through anyone's phone in a relationship as it is a violation of privacy - but if a partner made it clear from the start to not go through their phone, I'd be suspicious (despite the reason), especially after an anger outburst too.

I completely get your reasoning and I'm sorry you feel your privacy has been violated but I think if this was the other way round and a man had been 'clear from the start' to not go through his phone saying that another girlfriend had, a lot of people would say it was a red flag anyway (not sure if I necessarily agree but..)

I'd just try and talk to him about his insecurities- even if they seem irrational or uncalled for to you.

He's broken your trust and that's incredibly hard for you to move past.

However, no matter how you explained to him about your reasons for not wanting him to check your phone, I can also see how the restrictions might have made him feel concerned or worried, and in the end he checked it.

If he's generally a good guy then I would talk through it and give him the benefit of the doubt and explain why this has hurt you so much.

Also, his drinking, what concerns you about it?

Bloidy hell , listen to yiursyourselves. OP has very good reasons for feeling so strongly about her privacy and boundaries. She was clear about them. He broke them AND LIED TO HER FACE. And she has to understand tgat she somehow made him do it and is responsible?? Fuck that.

People are so fucking weird about women's boundaries. OP, you are absolutely in the right and I would finish with him.

And err he could have told her how he was feeling and you know, talked about it? Instead of hacking into her phone and lying. You dont need a lying, boundary breaking, heavy drinking partner OP. You deserve better and I'm pleased you know that.

I don't understand why anyone would want to go through their partner's phone unless there was suspicion of cheating - and in that instance you'd just ask and go by the response in terms of deciding what next.

You made it clear this was a red line and he crossed it - he should have spoken to you about his feelings of insecurity.

Talking to him about his drinking is not the same thing at all - alcohol addiction is an awful thins that tears up relationships, destroys lives and ultimately kills people. I should know, I've been there.

He doesnt sound controlling and abusive though . He was very insecure and that would annoy me. I get it. But your obsession with him NOT looking at your phone might have seemed like a mystery to be solved from his pov.

He shouldnt have looked but if you verbalised it repeatedly that this was a deal breaker for you, i can see how you created a secret where there was one.

Not a fan of suggesting couples therapy as normally i think 'if it's died, it's died" but (having been in an abusive relationship once) i know that it is hard to feeeeel the boundaries internally rather than verbally announcing them.

I don't get why you have messages from an ex. Is this the ex that was abusive too? If so that's really strange. Why not remove him from your life completely?

He shouldn't have looked through your phone though. And he should have just talked through his concerns. But I think you maybe need to talk to someone about your issues with privacy on your phone. Your ex was a bastard, but not all men are. You can trust some of them. It just feels like you can't.

The point at which you need to go through your partner’s phone in secret and then lie about it the relationship is IMO over anyway. And that goes equally for men and women. So IMO the whole “check his phone” advice is still inappropriate. If you’re insecure enough to check his or her phone then you should just leave.

The OP is certainly not responsible here, and I speak as someone whose ex did the same. Checked my phone, logged into my social media, and when he didn’t find what he thought he would find (i.e. evidence of some kind of affair which didn’t exist) he went further and installed keyloggers on computers,find my phone and then tracked me to a location and gaslighted me by telling me that I’d been seen there by someone in a compromising situation.

He still didn’t find what he wanted so he went one further and hid voice recorders and cameras in the house.I sometimes wonder if he could still be spying on me years and years on. And once you’ve been there it’s impossible to feel safe and not watched. It was one of the reasons why I could never go back.

So no, checking someone’s phone in secret is never ok, not even if you suspect something. My DP hasn’t had that kind of talk from me, however if he wanted to see my phone he can ask me to hand it over. If I refused and he wasn’t happy with that he would be free to leave the relationship. But if I caught him going through my phone in secret the relationship would be over, no questions asked.

So how do you think he got into your phone? He would need your passcode or fingerprint! Also, if your ex was so so controlling and abusive, it makes absolutely no sense for you to keep any communications from him.
I never check my OHs phone, would never think to do so, but if it rang or he got a text and he wasn't in the room, I'd answer it or read the text.
You clearly have no trust in your relationship, so perhaps it is better for both of you to go your seperate ways.

I would assume faults on both sides here op. And not just becayse there normally is.

Of course he shouldn't have went through your phone, and of course you've got good reason to behave as you do, and I'm sure you also had good reason to comment on his drinking, and for him to stop totally makes me wonder if there is a back story there, either he's got a problem or maybe the conversation was harsher and more controlling than you're admitting to.

Either way, does it matter, you've ended the relationship because of it. This is a deal breaker for you.

However I would try to come to terms with your past and not let it impact the relationships you have in thr future.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be in a relationship or over the past.

From his POV while he knows clearly the rationale why he is banned from any access to your phone, he may have wanted to be sure that that was the only reason though, as you haven’t been together that long. He needs to be sure you are who you say you are, just as you need to be sure with him.

If a woman was in a relationship with a man who forbid her to look at his phone due an abusive ex, I wouldn’t blame her for checking that that was the only reason, and there was nothing else going on.

Btw it’s very easy to delete WhatsApp messages and emails.

I get where your coming from OP but if my partner said it would be over if I looked in their phone or PC I would spend every minute of my day thinking about what's on there!

Crikey @Diamonds. That's awful.

My deal breaker is anything to do with jealousy, control or possessiveness. Some men can find that hard to deal with, but trust is paramount. And one truism: if you go looking for trouble, you're bound to find it.

Hopefully the OP's BF will have learned a valuable lesson about respecting boundaries.

I agree that if someone made their phone 'out of bounds' I would feel suspicious of them too, sorry to say that but I think most people would feel the same.

If you want a real relationship with someone that involves learning to trust on both sides..... you can't expect him to pay for the sins of your ex, eventually this will drive the best of people away xx