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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m shaking with anger

196 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 10:30

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

OP posts:

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 12:15

Well, it’s no surprise so many women end up being cheated on

If your default position when your partner tells you something is one of distrust/suspicion, then you're obviously in a shitty relationship I'm afraid.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 12:16

The main issue is the op is letting her past impact her future.

If she has nothing to hide clearly her partner should not be banned from her phone, that's unhealthy, and normal access is different to hacking, i also don't understand why the ex had to hack it and he also had no access.

Either way, the boyfriend was clearly insecure and behaved inappropriately, but that doesn't mean the op is behaving appropriately. Yes she's explained her reasons, but ultimately she's still letting the past win.

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 12:17

Our past always affects us.

It reduces our tolerance for bullshit 😂

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:18

I totally get it. Do knows if he goes through my phone, we are done.

If he asks to see it, fine. If he tells me he is feeling insecure, fine.

I was abused. Exh used to go through my phone all the time. I wasn't allowed privacy. Quite frankly any man that can't respect that is not the man for me.

This is why on threads where people claim an annoyed reaction from a male partner means they are hiding something, I point out that, that's not always true.

Besides which, why would the ops Dp need to go through a what app convo from years ago to see if she was cheating now?

Anyone who thinks that Ok should have to swallow this or only react in a certain way, need to have their heads looking at.

If I have taken time to explain my feelings to my partner and my reas9ns and he does it anyway.....He can go through the door.

No one has the right to snoop on anyone else and invade their privacy.

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/10/2018 12:21

I feel like I've strayed into some weird parallel MN universe.

I can only imagine that it's all the people who think it's fine to snoop on their partners who saying that it's absolutely fine and dandy for this man to invade the OP's privacy and trample her clearly stated boundaries.

OP you told him that this would be a deal-breaker for you, and he chose to do it anyway. What your reasons were for putting that boundary in place are irrelevant, actually (although your abusive past makes his transgression of the boundary much worse, I think) - the point is that you told him that you absolutely will not tolerate him invading your privacy and rifling through your things, and he chose to do so anyway and then lie about it. He's broken your trust, and that's a difficult thing to get back. Trust was obviously lacking in the relationship anyway, for him to start snooping like that.

Original poster

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 12:21

Haven’t read all the replies yet but a few points:

I did not ‘repeatedly’ tell him not to go through my phone. When we first got together I told him about my ex and what he did, he read my book, and he completely understood my reasons for not wanting my privacy invaded. I was controlled by a psychopath for a number of years, by him monitoring me, and that’s left me with PTSD and now I also have ME as a result. I didn’t feel the need to reiterate my feelings on this, I made it perfectly clear once at the start.

He got into my phone because he has watched me put my passcode in. I thought I could trust him so didn’t think i needed to be cagey about that.

I am not in contact with my ex, and haven’t been for a long time. The messages are still on my phone because I never delete anything, not for any sentimental reasons, just because I CBA.

His drinking, I did not order him to stop drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic and we had a calm and reasonable discussion about this. I brought it up because we had got to that year point and I was thinking about the future long term, and his drinking was an issue for me. I did not tell him to stop drinking, he thought about what I said and decided I was right and he needed to knock it on the head. We have had the odd issue in our relationship and largely they have been related to his drinking.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 12:22

If your default position when your partner tells you something is one of distrust/suspicion, then you're obviously in a shitty relationship I'm afraid.

Which is simply a decoy argument as there’s a long way between trusting everything a partner says from the off and being distrustful and suspicious. I was not referring to the latter.

If you’ve only been together a year you’re still getting to know each other and sound each other out.

PolkaDoting · 27/10/2018 12:23

It wouldn’t occur to me to ban someone I was seeing from looking through my phone, but it would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me if they did go through it. I send messages to my friends that I would be MORTIFIED if he read.

RedSkyLastNight · 27/10/2018 12:24

I agree with all the others who say if the genders were reversed everyone would say that OP's DP was perfectly justified.

And if a man had said "I don't want you to ever look at my phone because of an abusive ex" that would be called a red flag.

And, I am slightly trying to understand why OP still has WhatsApp conversations from her ex. In pre-technology world, keeping letters from an ex would suggest that you were not over them. This is no different.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 12:25

Look OP a relationship between someone with a history of emotional abuse, PTSD, ME and a functioning alcoholic is always going to be fraught.

Neither of you seem like you’re in the right frame for a relationship at all.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 12:26

It has never come up the other way in a relationship because I have never and would never want to snoop through my partners phone let alone actually do it. Either way around its abuse, especially if it's been made clear it would be Deemed a deal breaker.

Djnoun · 27/10/2018 12:26

I think you're quite right to be angry. I would consider issuing a final warning if there are no other issues between you. But I do agree, violating your privacy is a dumping offence.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 12:28

TatianaLarina I don't even know what you're arguing about tbh. Or anyone else on here defending the guy actually. Look at the latest post by OP. Her DP had 3 options:

not continue with the relationship in the first place
discuss his concerns with her and reach a compromise
go through her phone behind her back

How can anyone defend him taking option 3? Especially given the situation OP described in her latest post??

Original poster

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 12:33

He had absolutely no reason to think I was doing anything behind his back. NONE whatsoever. Because I’m not. I have nothing to hide but that’s not the point. He has been messaging me since he left blaming the fact that he has been feeling insecure about lots of things ever since he stopped drinking. He feels awful now and devasted that he has fucked things up.

OP posts:

chrisinthesun · 27/10/2018 12:35

Oh dear......

MissLingoss · 27/10/2018 12:35

I send messages to my friends that I would be MORTIFIED if he read.

And what about messages that your friends send to you? If I send a message to a friend using her personal contact details, I don't expect her husband or boyfriend or anyone else to be reading it, any more than I would expect him to open and read a letter I wrote that was addressed to her.

It's not just the op's privacy that's been violated here. It's the privacy of anyone who sent her a message intended for her eyes only.

Original poster

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 12:36

And I have had endless therapy regarding my past, and generally I am in a good headspace now. But I will not be controlled or monitored by anyone ever again. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:37

I agree with all the others who say if the genders were reversed everyone would say that OP's DP was perfectly justified.

Many would but not everyone. I, for one, think it's disgusting how many mners think this is ok. If I am on a thread where people are telling op it's ok to look through people's phones, I always post that it's not ok.

So not everyone thinks it's ok when the genders are reversed. But conceded a lot do.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:38

But I will not be controlled or monitored by anyone ever again. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.

And that's ok

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 27/10/2018 12:38

If my husband said to me “don’t ever look at my phone or internet history” I’d think what are you hiding and I’d be looking. He doesn’t as it happens and I have no interest in looking as he doesn’t appear to be bothered or guarded over his phone, I could look if I wanted.

You sound like you have something to hide.

VanGoghsDog · 27/10/2018 12:40

I wonder if you suffering from PTSD being in a relationship with an alcoholic ('functioning' or not) is not a great idea anyway?

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 12:40

I'm not sure you are in a good headspace op and I mean that gently. Allowing a partner access to your phone is neither controlling or monitoring.

In addition he's telling you he was feeling insecure, something is wrong, but you're not listening, just lashing out.

Either way neither of you are in a good headspace right now.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:41

If my husband said to me “don’t ever look at my phone or internet history” I’d think what are you hiding and I’d be looking.

If it's an established relationship and he said that after previously being fine with it. I can see why you would be suspicious.

But the ops Dp has know this from near the beginning. And if he didn't like it, he could have just walked away.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:41

In addition he's telling you he was feeling insecure, something is wrong, but you're not listening, just lashing out.

After he broke her trust.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 12:43

After he broke her trust

Sure, but he's explaining why.

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