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Original poster

I’m shaking with anger

196 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 10:30

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

OP posts:
Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 12:45

He looked at my phone behind my back and then lied about it. That’s different to ‘allowing’ him to look through it. He had not mentioned that he felt insecure about us. If he had talked to me about it and said he was feeling insecure, for some bizarre reason about someone I was with 3 years ago, and lives 200 miles away, and asked if he could see whether or not we had been messaging, I would have been happy to show him and prove I hadn’t.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 27/10/2018 12:45

I think it's so sad that the amount of you on here who have been in abusive relationships & cant see what is wrong with the OPs stance on this. Effectively the abused, become the abuser in their next relationships as apparently, having experience of being in an abusive relationship, makes that okay.

It really isn't okay, healthy relationships do not work that way, having been abused in the does not & should not be a get out clause for unreasonable behaviour. It smacks loudly of a need to stay single until you've really sorted yourselves out

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 12:46

So he’s insecure too and you need to make allowances for his insecurities as much as he does yours.

Tbh if the only way you can be sure you will not be monitored or controlled in a relationship is by guarding your phone, you’re not ready to be in one. You need to be able to have more trust in your own judgment of people that you can make that call yourself.

The Freedom Programme could really help with that if you haven’t already done it.

Equally, if he is insecure to the point that he has been alcohol dependent and feels insecure with you, then he’s not ready be in a relationship either.

What has basically happened is a flashpoint between two damaged insecure people. If it hadn’t been this it would have been something else.

InsomniacAnonymous · 27/10/2018 12:48

Lemondrizzlecake1 Exactly. The OP's boyfriend is not a robot. He's a human being, which means he will make mistakes, as we all do. The way he is being characterized by many on here, as abusive, is unfair.

Would a woman who had been insecure and looked on her DP's phone after being told “don’t ever look at my phone or internet history” deserve such vitriol and to be kicked out for good or would it be expected that the couple would talk and try to resolve things?

RockinHippy · 27/10/2018 12:49

"But I will not be controlled or monitored by anyone ever again. I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime."

Sorry Hoover but as far as having had therapy & sorted your head out, that line alone smacks very loudly that this isn't the case at all, you just think it is.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:51

Sure, but he's explaining why

Once he had to he didn't admit it straight away. Only when he knew he hadn't got away with it, bets on that this isn't the first time either. He says it's cause he is insecure. Or it could be bullshit and he thinks he has a right to it.

He wouldn't have owned up if the OP had let it go when he denied it the first time. And he would have done it again.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 12:52

He had not mentioned that he felt insecure about us. If he had talked to me about it and said he was feeling insecure, for some bizarre reason about someone I was with 3 years ago, and lives 200 miles away, and asked if he could see whether or not we had been messaging, I would have been happy to show him and prove I hadn’t

I fully agree with you OP and you sound like you've got your head screwed on. Communication and honesty is key to any relationship, and he was unable to do either.

It probably does stem from simple insecurity and stupidity on his part, but it's really up to you whether you want to give him another chance or not. You're perfectly within your right to break up with him given he did something that you clearly and justifiably explained would be a relationship-ender when you first got together. That would be the case no matter what it actually was.

chrisinthesun · 27/10/2018 12:52

I can't believe that some posters on here are refusing to acknowledge the fact that the VAST MAJORITY of posters - on a thread where a woman is worried her partner/husband is up to something - will TELL HER to go look through his phone.

Yet when it's a MAN looking through a WOMAN'S phone, it's wrong and bad, and he is abusive and controlling, and she is told to dump him! Then a bunch of women come on here and say 'well I don't agree with it whether it's a man doing it to a woman OR a woman doing it to a man!!!'

I am willing to bet a LOT of money that these same posters have advised (at some time) women to check their partner's phone to see if she can find evidence of cheating.

Some people on here are so disingenuous that it's laughable.

And on that note, I am out, because some posts on here and somewhere between infuriating, and batshit!

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:53

So he’s insecure too and you need to make allowances for his insecurities as much as he does yours.

No she doesn't. Especially when he uses it to cross a line.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 12:55

I can't believe that some posters on here are refusing to acknowledge the fact that the VAST MAJORITY of posters - on a thread where a woman is worried her partner/husband is up to something - will TELL HER to go look through his phone.

Yes the vast majority do. Personally I think it's wrong, regardless of gender.

chrisinthesun · 27/10/2018 12:55

Typo in last paragraph!!! Should read...

And on that note, I am out, because some posts on here ARE somewhere between infuriating, and batshit!

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 12:56

chrisinthesun I can't believe you're still acting like the two situations are comparable.

chrisinthesun · 27/10/2018 12:57

NO, you're WRONG @notaclue Every single day posters on here tell posters to check through their partner's phone, but go batshit if it's a man doing it to a woman!

Stop denying it FFS!

And now I really AM out! Hmm

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 12:58

The thing is ok threads where women encourage other women to go through their partner’s phone, it’s generally because he has been acting strangely or doing something suspicious.

I have done nothing. Nothing at all, to make him think I’m up to something. This is because of him stopping drinking and his brain recalibrating to the real world.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 13:01

NO, you're WRONG@notaclueEvery single day posters on here tell posters to check through their partner's phone, but go batshit if it's a man doing it to a woman!

Are you really telling me, my opinions? Really, you know what I post? You have been through all my posts? You need to give your head a wobble. I agreed that a lot do.

But NOT ALL. You are wrong. Accept it

Laiste · 27/10/2018 13:01

Personally i could not be in a relationship with anyone who put blanket bans on me doing certain things because of shit they've had from people in their past.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread OP. You're very sure in your own mind what you want and what you won't tolerate. Some here will agree with you and some won't, what does it matter? If you don't trust the guy now and the relationship is damaged in your eyes then that's the end of it.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 13:01

Situation 1: Person A tells partner B at the start of the relationship that they suffered traumatic abuse, have PTSD, and that secretly going through their phone or computer will signify the end of the relationship. Person A is honest and open at all times and partner B is free to discuss their feelings, reach compromises, etc.

Situation 2: Person A is suddenly acting differently, hiding things when they haven't before, gets angry when partner B picks up their phone one time.

Obviously the advice would be different in these two situations, regardless of the genders of person A and B. Anyone claiming they can't see the difference is either being deliberately obtuse or is just stupid.

Ilovetolurk · 27/10/2018 13:03

You’re entitled to your reaction OP he was warned

But if you’re so clear on this as a dealbreaker why are you on here asking us?

I don’t think it was gaslighting you to lie , he was just lieing his way out of a corner which many of us do. He’s just a fallible person

For me any partner or family member could look at my phone I’d be more worried about the heavy drinking

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 13:03

No she doesn't

If she wants the relationship to work that is. If only one person’s insecurities are valid the relationship won’t work.

you sound like you've got your head screwed on.

I don’t think ‘losing your shit’, ‘shaking with anger’ and ending a relationship over someone looking at your phone could be described as having your head screwed on in any way shape or form.

MortyVicar · 27/10/2018 13:04

He probably lied first time because he knew the reaction he'd get. Not very mature of him but understandable, like a small child who says 'not me, Mummy'.

OP what comes across in your posts to me is that in your reasonable desire not to be in the same sort of relationship as you were before, not being controlled by anyone 'ever again' , you've become very rigid in your thinking, that it's your way or the highway. A true relationship will always be about compromise, about understanding each other's needs - and that isn't the same as being controlled.

It almost sounds as if he knows he has to toe the line. You say you made it clear that his drinking was an issue for you, and that he made the decision to stop drinking off the back of that. Did he feel that it wasn't really his choice, that if he wanted to stay with you he had to do that?

OP if this is a dealbreaker for you, then you have the right to make that choice. But perhaps you could work on your feeling that the only way to not be controlled is to be controlling yourself.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 13:05

If she wants the relationship to work that is. If only one person’s insecurities are valid the relationship won’t work.

Who said his insecurities had to be invalid? How he acted is making his insecurities the issue.

Orchiddingme · 27/10/2018 13:06

Thing is, you don't have to justify anything. If you don't want to carry on with this relationship, and there are reasons if you look, then you don't have to. You are an autonomous adult and can say 'that's it, I'd rather not go on with this' for ANY reason. I don't really know why anyone is criticizing you here at all.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 27/10/2018 13:06

I am in my early sixties. In the no mobile phone, no e-mail past, when I received a letter from a family member or friend I would mention to ne husband "oh, I had a letter from ... today", he would say something along the lines of "that's nice" a dad know how they were. He would not ask to read the letter, although when he knew the writer well I might offer it to him to read. The same occurred with letters to him from his family and friends, I wouldn't dream of reading them unless he wanted me to.

I don't see any difference now communication is electronic. It is still private. I don't understand why so many people seem to think their partners have no right to privacy, to share confidences, jokes, thoughts. It's like when people ask what you are thinking and then get offended when you say nothing, because you don't always want to share every thought with them.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 13:06

If I said "this is a deal-breaker for me" at the start of a relationship, and then instead of him saying "hey wait a second, I feel such-and-such about this", he just said "ok" and then went and did it anyway, I'd be glad to be rid of him. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't openly and honestly communicate with me.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 27/10/2018 13:06

Completely staggered by the number of people on here who can’t accept that the OP laid down a boundary that might not be conventional for some people but was completely understandable in her case because of her extreme experience of abuse.

And her boyfriend, knowing that extreme background, decided to cross that boundary because he was “feeling insecure”, whatever that means. Not talk to her, not leave because he can’t accept the boundary.

She had a fucking book published because of the extremeness of her experience. Does that not seem like the kind of trauma that her boyfriend could have respected rather than deciding to indulge his insecurity?

OP, I’m sorry you were abused by a man who was much worse than the average man. It seems like you might need to be with a guy who is a bit better than the average man, and this guy wasn’t it.